by Jaime Clarke
Ms. Drew Barrymore
380 N. Martel Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90036
Dear Drew Barrymore,
You recently had your photos developed at Imagistic Photo Developers. We want you to know how much we appreciate your business. Enclosed are coupons which are good on your next visit to Imagistic. We hope to continue to be your photomat of choice.
Also, I just wanted to say personally that I am a fan of your work. I thought you were terrific in E. T. And The Wedding Singer is one of my friends’ favorite movies. I think it remarkable, too, that you’ve been able to overcome what you have to be the star you are today. Most people will never in their life go through what you went through by the time you were eleven. Your recovery from drug and alcohol addiction is a modern success story and I can sympathize with your having a wild mother. You should know that you really are a role model for a lot of young women today.
Anyway, just wanted to add that bit. Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble I wanted to ask you something else. I saw a recent photo of you in Entertainment Weekly where you were at the Viper Room with Bryan Metro. I’m wondering if you can tell me anything about where he is now. I’m a huge fan and have heard some (hopefully) unfounded rumors. Any information you can provide would be appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
Ms. Neve Campbell
8645 Wonderland Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90046
Dear Neve Campbell,
You recently had your photos developed at Imagistic Photo Developers. We want you to know how much we appreciate your business. Enclosed are coupons which are good on your next visit to Imagistic. We hope to continue to be your photomat of choice.
I just wanted to add that I think you’re a terrifically talented actress. I read somewhere that your first role was on a Canadian TV show called Catwalk, where you played a girl named Daisy in a band trying to make it big. What’s funny about this is I have a friend named Daisy and we tried to start a band and make it big some years ago. Anyway, I’m a fan—I loved Scream and I thought Wild Things and 54 were good career choices. (Also, on a personal level, I know what it’s like to have parents divorce when you are young. Mine did, but I hope yours are as friendly as mine are now.)
Anyway, just wanted to add that bit. Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble I wanted to ask you a favor. I’m trying to track down Bryan Metro and I saw that picture in Entertainment Weekly of you and him at the premiere of that new Tom Hanks movie. I’m wondering if you know anything about his plans to tour, etc. I’d appreciate any information you could give me.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. David Geffen
2201 Angelo Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
Dear David Geffen,
You recently had your photos developed at Imagistic Photo Developers. We want you to know how much we appreciate your business. Enclosed are coupons which are good on your next visit to Imagistic. We hope to continue to be your photomat of choice.
Also, I’m a huge fan of Bryan Metro, one of the musicians on your label. I noticed that he recently canceled two shows in Japan, the last shows of the Asian leg of his tour and I’m wondering if (hoping) the U.S. tour is still going to happen. I wanted to say too that I think it’s a great thing that you are taking a chance on Bryan’s comeback. He really is a talented musician and whatever problems he may have had in the ’80s are hopefully behind him. After that stint in rehab his career was a wash and it really took someone brave and formidable like yourself to give Bryan a second chance (St. David Geffen!).
Anyway, just wanted to add that little bit. If you could put my name on your mailing list, I would appreciate it. And any promo stuff you have about Bryan and the tour would be great as well. Use my home address, which is below.
Yours sincerely,
Wednesday nights, Natalie Wood, are the hardest nights of the week at the Starion. Not just because the details of her drowning are sketchy—a drunken fight in the middle of the night with her husband, Robert Wagner, aboard their yacht, Splendour, their guest that night the actor Christopher Walken—but because my mom loved Natalie Wood in Rebel Without a Cause and West Side Story. Most families love Miracle on 34th Street at Christmas time for the hope it inspires, but my mom loves it because little eight-year-old Natalie ‘showed so much promise and talent as an actress.’ I hate the movie and won’t watch it.
It’s because of Miracle on 34th Street that I rarely call home. I made the mistake of mentioning the La Brea pilot, thinking I had the part wrapped up, and it was months before I could tell my mom. If only I would’ve got you into pictures when you were eight, she said when I finally did tell her. It’s frustrating enough going on auditions and having people judge you on what you look like, how you talk, by how you carry yourself; calling home to give progress reports was a form of humiliation I had some control over.
Hard as it is, you just have to believe it’s worth it. That’s what Craig tells me after every Wednesday night performance. Some days I don’t think it is worth it. It’s hard to keep the dream of having a big house with gates and fancy cars and the adulation of everyone you meet in front of you at all times. But when Craig reminds me how it’s worth it, I believe him. He would know. His father was a successful Broadway actor in the ’60s who made the jump to Hollywood. He starred in The Dennis Hartwell Story, a popular movie in the early 1970s. Craig was just born when the movie came out but he remembers how famous actors were always coming over to his house in the Hollywood Hills (which Craig’s mother set fire to in a jealous rage over one of his father’s co-stars). His father hosted a cocktail hour every day of the week, which lasted from four in the afternoon until whenever. There’s a picture of Craig sitting on a young Clint Eastwood’s lap at a table full of gifts wrapped in shiny paper.
Craig’s father didn’t want him to be an actor and even though his mother begged his father to get him small parts in his father’s movies, he refused. So in high school Craig secretly went on auditions and got a small part in a summer beach movie. When his father found out he showed up at the set, drunk, and disrupted the scene Craig was supposed to be in. The director threw Craig and his father off the set and Craig had to drive his father home. No son of mine is going to become an actor, he yelled at the passing cars. Craig only told me this story once, and I never bring it up. He couldn’t know at the time that his father was just protecting him, that his father had sunk into the shadows of Hollywood, which came out when Craig’s father was arrested in a hotel room with another actor and a few grams of cocaine. The actor was Craig’s age. Craig changed his last name and wasn’t there when his father passed away from emphysema in a VA hospital.
Wednesday nights give me that same feeling of alienation. When we get to the part where Natalie and Robert Wagner and Christopher Walken return to the boat from their dinner on Catalina Island, the house lights go down and the sound of the ocean comes over the speakers. People in the audience usually stop eating and the candles on their tables flicker like a misshapen constellation. Craig and I fight as Wagner and Wood, and then the theater is silent except for the electronic undulation of waves. The script calls for me to count to ten and then scream. Before I get to five-one-thousand I begin to tremble, the solitary feeling of loneliness engulfing me. The silence is shattered by my scream, the thump and splash that follows breaking my trance.
Ms. Jennie Garth
12055 Contour Drive
Van Nuys, CA 91423
Dear Jennie Garth,
You recently had your photos developed at Imagistic Photo Developers. We want you to know how much we appreciate your business. Enclosed are coupons which are good on your next visit to Imagistic. We hope to continue to be your photomat of choice.
Also I wanted to tell you what a fan I am of yours, on and off the screen. Your involvement with PETA is something I admire as I am an animal lover, too. (I’m trying to take it to the level where you’re at, but I enjoy a hamburger now and again.) I admire your c
areer as well. Like you I’m from Phoenix (well, I know you’re not from Phoenix, but you lived there) and I moved to L.A. to become an actress. I hope I have half the career you’ve had (I’ve seen every episode of 90210).
Anyway, just wanted to add that personal bit. Oh, and to ask a question. I saw in the L.A. Times that Bryan Metro played at the last PETA benefit, a couple of months ago, and I’m wondering if you still hear from him. I’m a huge fan of his and have heard some rumors that I hope aren’t true. I’d like to get any information about his whereabouts. Any small thing you know might be helpful. Thanks.
Yours sincerely,
Ms. Alyssa Milano
12632 Woodbridge St.
Studio City, CA 91604
Dear Alyssa Milano,
You recently had your photos developed at Imagistic Photo Developers. We want you to know how much we appreciate your business. Enclosed are coupons which are good on your next visit to Imagistic. We hope to continue to be your photomat of choice.
Also I wanted to add a little personal note about what a fan of yours I am. I think you are terrifically talented and I think Fear really shows your acting range. I’m also a fan of your music career, which I guess not a lot of people know about. I recently found your debut album, Alyssa, at a used record store on Sunset. They also had a copy of Locked Inside a Dream that you’d autographed to someone named Jackie Land. (They wanted too much for the autographed copy or I would’ve bought it.) Anyway, I’m a fan of yours and I’m also a fan of Bryan Metro. Not a lot of people who love Bryan’s music know that he co-wrote the song ‘Straight to the Top’ from your second album, Look in My Heart. Anyway, I’m wondering if you’re still in contact with Bryan. As a fan I’m concerned about the recent rumors and about his canceling those dates in Japan. I know it’s a long shot but I thought I’d put a line or two in about him in case you know his whereabouts. Anything you can say would be appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. William Rose
5067 Latigo Canyon Road
Malibu, CA 90265
Dear Axl Rose,
You recently had your photos developed at Imagistic Photo Developers. We want you to know how much we appreciate your business. Enclosed are coupons which are good on your next visit to Imagistic. We hope to continue to be your photomat of choice.
Also, I can’t resist telling you what a fan I am of your music. It’s been quite awhile since the world has heard anything from Guns N’ Roses. I hope you’re working on something new with the band.
Anyway, accept our apologies for the negatives. Oh—I wanted to ask you something: I read an article in Entertainment Weekly that said you were with Bryan Metro in Japan. The article even said that you and Bryan were working on some new material together (though it didn’t say whether it was for a new Bryan Metro album or a new Guns N’ Roses album). I’m wondering a) if this is true and b) if you know anything about what Bryan is up to now. I’m a huge fan of his and after those cancellations in Japan I’m concerned (as a fan). Did Bryan see any doctors in Japan? Is he in the states now?
Sorry to go on so long but any information you can give would be appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
SWEET PEA: Anyone here?
MAX FACTOR: Yo, Sweet Pea, what’s up?
FABULOUS PERSON: Hi, Sweet Pea.
SWEET PEA: Have any of you heard anything about Bryan Metro?
FABULOUS PERSON: You mean the singer?
SWEET PEA: Yeah.
MAX FACTOR: He just canceled those shows in Japan. I heard he was dead.
SWEET PEA: Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to find out. Where did you hear it?
MAX FACTOR: Here.
FABULOUS PERSON: I think I hate Bryan Metro. Doesn’t he sing that song ‘The Pain Purples Me Too’?
SWEET PEA: That’s him.
MAX FACTOR: I only know this one thing about him. He used to hang out with the guys from House of Pain, remember them? One of the guys from the band, Danny Boy, dated the porn star Savannah (she also ‘dated’ Billy Idol, Pauly Shore, and both Slash and Axl from Guns N’ Roses) and she was staying in his house while the band was on tour. She and Bryan were coming back from a wild night and Savannah was racing her white Corvette up the winding roads of Universal City when she slammed into a fence. She hit her head, cut her face and broke her nose. And she was supposed to go do a $5,000-a-night gig at this place in upstate New York. Bryan wasn’t hurt and he helped Savannah get back to the house, where she called her manager, saying she should be taken to the hospital. Metro passed out in front of the TV, figuring the ambulance was on the way and that everything was taken care of, right? Well, the ambulance did come later, after Metro found Savannah on the garage floor with a flower-shaped hole in her head. Unfortunately when she put the gun to her head, it kicked and she was still alive (barely). Metro rode in the ambulance.
FABULOUS PERSON: That’s awful. What happened?
MAX FACTOR: Her parents pulled the plug.
SWEET PEA: Yeah, I read about that somewhere. That was a while ago.
FABULOUS PERSON: Who just logged in?
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: Here I am. What are we talking about?
SWEET PEA: Bryan Metro.
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: He rocks, of course.
SWEET PEA: I’m trying to find out why he canceled those shows in Japan.
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: My friend works at Geffen, his label, and he said the official reason was fatigue but that Metro got into trouble with the Japanese police.
SWEET PEA: What kind of trouble?
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: Some underage kids in his hotel room.
MAX FACTOR: Cool.
FABULOUS PERSON: My God, what a cliché. Can’t these rock stars be more original?
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: Rock is all about getting p**sy.
FABULOUS PERSON: If you’re a man, maybe.
SWEET PEA: WUC: Does your friend at Geffen know anything else?
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: Like what?
SWEET PEA: Like if Metro is still alive.
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: Shit, is he dead?
SWEET PEA: That’s what I’m trying to find out.
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: I’ll try to call my friend on his cell phone. Excuse me.
SWEET PEA: Thanks.
MAX FACTOR: Hey, Sweet Pea. Why are you so interested?
SWEET PEA: I’m a fan.
FABULOUS PERSON: Where do you live, Sweet Pea?
SWEET PEA: In Hollywood.
MAX FACTOR: Ever see any stars?
SWEET PEA: Yeah, I work in a photo lab in Beverly Hills.
MAX FACTOR: Who did you see recently?
SWEET PEA: Last weekend Tommy Lee came in.
MAX FACTOR. He has the biggest schlong in Hollywood.
FABULOUS PERSON: You’re gross, Max Factor. 4Sweet Pea: Why do you work in a photo lab?
SWEET PEA: Well, I only work there on the weekends. I’m trying to be an actress.
MAX FACTOR: Have you been in anything I might’ve seen?
SWEET PEA: NO. I do dinner theater in Hollywood.
FABULOUS PERSON: What play?
SWEET PEA: It’s a series of plays about celebrity deaths.
MAX FACTOR: Like who?
SWEET PEA: Well, on Friday nights we do a car crash-themed play about Jayne Mansfield.
MAX FACTOR: Who’s that?
FABULOUS PERSON: She was a movie star from the ’50s.
SWEET PEA: She wasn’t really a movie star. She was sort of like Anna Nicole Smith. She referred to herself as a ‘starlet in training.’ The play we do is the night she was killed, in New Orleans, on the way back from a gig in Biloxi, Mississippi. The whole play is set in the limousine. I play Jayne and my boyfriend plays her lawyer friend, Sam Brody. Extras from the restaurant play Jayne’s three kids.
MAX FACTOR: Why did the limo crash?
SWEET PEA: The driver came around a corner on U.S. 90, just outside of New Orleans, and ran into the back of a truck that had one of those mosquito fogging machines on it. The truck was stopped
and the road was narrow, so…
FABULOUS PERSON: Was the driver speeding, like Princess Di?
SWEET PEA: NO, the top of the limo was shaved off. The car looked like a convertible.
MAX FACTOR: Did everyone die?
SWEET PEA: NO. The children lived. People think Jayne was decapitated but really it was just the wig she was wearing. It flew up on the hood of the car.
FABULOUS PERSON: Who was the actress who had her scarf caught in the back wheel of her car?
MAX FACTOR: I never heard that one.
SWEET PEA: Isadora Duncan. She wasn’t an actress; she was a dancer.
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: Hold on, Sweet Pea. I’m trying some different numbers.
SWEET PEA: Thanks, WUC.
FABULOUS PERSON: Goodnight people.
MAX FACTOR: Goodnight, Fabulous Person.
SWEET PEA: ’Bye.
MAX FACTOR: NOW that the children are out of the room, what’s all this Bryan Metro stuff?
SWEET PEA: It’s for a dead pool.
MAX FACTOR: I’m in a dead pool!
SWEET PEA: Which one?
MAX FACTOR: It’s one at my school. This guy in my chemistry class runs it.
SWEET PEA: I have a feeling you should add Metro to your list, if you can.
MAX FACTOR: Man, I’ve had Don Knotts for the last two years. I thought he was going to win it for me.
SWEET PEA: Yeah, I got Don Knotts.
MAX FACTOR: Any other friendly tips?
SWEET PEA: Sorry.
MAX FACTOR: That would be something if Bryan Metro was dead. It would be like having River Phoenix back in ’93. Or Kurt Cobain in ’94.
SWEET PEA: I had Cobain.
MAX FACTOR: How did you guess that one?
SWEET PEA: Dead pool rule of thumb: When a rock star turns 27, put him on your list.
MAX FACTOR: How old is Bryan Metro?
SWEET PEA: 43.
WHAT-UP-CHUCK: Don’t count your money yet, Sweet Pea. My friend says Bryan Metro is alive and well.
