by Jodi Lamm
It’s you, Maddy thought, as the loathing Jas felt for himself crawled all through her bones.
She reached into the shattered coffin, wrapped her arms around the Titan, and pulled him out of his grave. Glass shards slid from his body and hit the marble floor with a sound like tiny bells. The Titan was thin, though Maddy saw the signs of squandered strength in him. He looked as though he had never moved beyond the sanctuary doors. His head hung back and his arms dragged along behind him. He wasn’t cold, but he wasn’t warm either.
Now Maddy understood how Jas could have defeated a Titan, how she could be tied to Jas and a slave of Jas, but still long to protect the Titan. The soul in the stag behind her belonged to the body she now held in her arms.
He doesn’t want you dead, she thought, but he’ll kill you because he has to. Then she remembered Father Androcles’ gift: the chance to fight for someone who was once important to her. How long would it take Jas to realize how much she knew? That was how long she had to fight for him. That was how long she had to live.
7: Empty
All afternoon, Maddy clung to Jas’ empty body. During the short walk to Father Androcles’ cottage, she insisted on carrying it. Even after they arrived, she would not set it down. She couldn’t decide whether it was because she wanted to protect it, or because she was afraid that if she let it out of her sight for just one minute, it would come to life and kill her.
Her surroundings did little to alleviate her fears. The priest’s knotty wooden walls were barely visible under the array of weapons he had hanging from them: longswords, axes, bows, and muskets. Maddy shivered when she saw the muskets. Only the military could carry firearms legally. She imagined Father Androcles kept them just to defy his brother, the duke. One day, Maddy decided, she would find the perfect way to trouble her own brother.
After the stag had gone out to graze, Father Androcles asked Maddy whether she would be kind enough to fetch his water. She shrugged to indicate her arms were full.
“Surely, he can stand to be away from you for a few minutes.” Father Androcles laughed. “He isn’t going anywhere, you know.”
Maddy forced herself to lay the Titan out on the dining table, smothing his shirt as the priest watched with an amused expression.
“Have you recognized him yet?” he said.
She stood rigid at that, and did her best not to indicate an answer one way or the other.
“Ah well, never mind.” Father Androcles gestured to a barrel that was half Maddy’s own size. “If you could just fill that, my dear. The pump is out back.” Maddy gawked, but Father Androcles urged her on. “There’s a girl,” he said, when she finally got a grip on the thing and found it took no effort to lift. “It’s about time you got to know your own strength.”
Outside, the nearby Listening Sanctuary was a dark, charcoal tower in the lighter grey of dusk. A tall figure waiting in its shadow darted toward Maddy, and she dropped the barrel. Strength? She didn’t feel strong. It was all she could do to keep breathing, as a long arm curled around her waist and the cold spine of a knife pressed against her throat.
“Don’t be afraid,” Will Taylor whispered into her ear. “I just need to have a word with your companion.” He cleared his throat and shouted, “You can stop hiding now, whoever you are! I have your girl right here under my knife! Come out if you don’t want me to take her head! I know a magician in Portmer who’ll pay a fortune for the eyes of a virgin!” Then he said, “You are a virgin, aren’t you?” and chuckled. Maddy thought he made a poor villain.
“What’s all this?” Father Androcles emerged from his house and drummed his fingers on the doorframe. “Oh, it’s only you, William. Silly boy. You can’t hurt her, you know.”
“What did you say?” Will shouted over Maddy’s head.
“I said your threat is meaningless because you can’t hurt her.”
“You aren’t making sense, old man.” Will inched closer to the priest, dragging Maddy along with him.
Behind them, a voice said, “You’re the one who isn’t making sense.” It was Jas. Maddy didn’t turn her head to see him. She already knew he looked like a bull about to charge. “What are you doing here?”
Will caught his breath, but did not loosen his grip. “I came to make sure my old friend was still in his coffin, but found it empty. You’ve stolen his voice. Where is the rest of him?”
Father Androcles shook his head as though he were merely inconvenienced by the antics of children. “Come inside, William. There’s an explanation for everything.”
“Uncle,” Jas said, “I forbid you to allow that man inside.”
“All due respect,” Father Androcles nodded to the stag, “but this is my house and I’ll choose whom I welcome into it. Do come inside, William. And let the girl go, for goodness’ sake. You look ridiculous.”
“You’re not trying to trick me?” Will said, lowering his knife.
Father Androcles waved his hand dismissively. “Have I ever lied to you?”
Will moved toward the front door, but kept Maddy’s arms pinned to her sides. She didn’t struggle, though she was beginning to suspect she could overcome him easily. She didn’t want to hurt him. Jas’ warnings about keeping her temper had finally taken hold, and Maddy could tell by the way Will trembled he was not in the habit of taking hostages. For a moment, as they entered the priest’s cottage, he even seemed to relax. But when he saw the comatose Titan stretched out on the table, his whole body tensed again. “James,” he whispered. “What have they done to you?”
In the few seconds that followed, Maddy felt a familiar buzz just under the surface of her skin. Will roared and leapt at the stag. Father Androcles shouted after him, but couldn’t move fast enough to stop him. Maddy could. She launched herself at the tailor and collided with him in midair. Together, they skidded across the floor and crashed into a wall. Several of the priest’s muskets toppled down onto their heads as Maddy raised a hand to strike.
“Whoa there.” Father Androcles pulled Will away from Maddy, who heaved a sigh of relief as the fever in her faded. “My boy, you don’t want to cross this one. You’ll get hurt.”
“I can take him.” Will grunted and rose to his feet.
“I’m not talking about the stag,” Father Androcles said. “I’m talking about his little puppet.”
But Will wasn’t listening; he was looking for his knife. When he found it embedded in Maddy’s arm, all the color seemed to ooze from his face. “Oh no…” He reached out to touch the handle, but recoiled. “Don’t… Don’t touch it. Oh my god.”
Maddy might have screamed, but she lacked the panic she had when the arrow had hit her. She didn’t feel enough pain either, not after the initial sting. She just stared at the knife in her arm and wondered why it didn’t bother her.
“You still don’t believe me?” Father Androcles strode toward Maddy and gripped the knife by its handle. She felt a pinch as he pulled the blade from her flesh. “I told you,” he said, handing the knife to Will, “you can’t hurt her.” Will refused to take his weapon back. Father Androcles continued. “And you nearly killed Master James. Tell me, what good do you think his body would do after you dispatched his soul? You youngsters are too reckless.”
It took Maddy a moment to realize what the priest had implied, that it was something she wasn’t supposed to know, and that she had neglected to feign surprise. She turned to Jas, hoping his eyes were on Will and not her. She needn’t have bothered, though. The nausea and cold sweat she felt told her Jas had seen enough. He looked at her as though she’d betrayed him in the worst possible way. She wished he would reprimand her, yell at her for hiding the truth from him, and tell her never to do it again. She wished he would express anything other than this quiet, sickening despair.
***
“We all thought the master was dead, you know.” Father Androcles lovingly dusted each musket before hanging it back on his wall. “They found his body outside the city, looking just the way it does now. He wasn
’t breathing, so we buried him. Then this stag came wandering into my sanctuary, talking with the master’s voice. Said he wanted me to retrieve his body and keep it safe. Said he didn’t like the thought of being buried in the ground.” He turned to face his audience and murmured, “Said it gave him bad dreams,” as though he were telling a ghost story. “So I retrieved the master’s body and hoped maybe he could do me a good turn one day. Of course, now his little puppet’s around…”
“She won’t serve you, Uncle,” Jas said. “I won’t let her serve anyone. No matter how noble your cause, a weapon like that—”
“A weapon?” Will interrupted.
“Figuratively speaking,” Jas said, but the way Father Androcles grinned, Maddy didn’t believe it.
Will and Maddy sat opposite each other at Father Androcles’ dining table, the Titan’s body stretched out like a corpse between them. Maddy did her best to feel out of place in the strange and morbid scene, but she couldn’t.
“Jas,” she said, “what sort of thing am I?”
“You are what you are.”
She grew bold and looked him in the eye. “Why won’t you tell me? What do you think will happen?”
Jas hesitated. “If you learn what you are, you’ll try to become something else.”
“How do you know?” she asked.
“I know because it happened once before.” His sounded tired and miserable.
Each time Maddy spoke, Will leaned closer and cupped a hand to his ear. “That’s curious,” he said, at last. “Can you actually hear her, James?”
“Yes,” Jas answered, without looking away from Maddy.
“How in the world?” Will cocked his head and stared at her as though she were a piece of clever gadgetry. “What is she saying?”
Jas scowled. “She says she doesn’t like you very much.”
Maddy started to protest, but then she heard Will laugh. And for the first time, she saw how he and Jas had been friends—how when they fought, they fought like brothers. Still an old uneasiness pulsed in Jas whenever Will spoke. Maddy puzzled over the way it overwhelmed her one moment and shrank to a blissful nothing the next.
“I have so many questions.” Will glanced at the Titan’s body. “But first, James, what happened to you?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Jas lifted a wiry leg in demonstration.
“I mean how… No ordinary wizard could pull your soul from your body.”
“It wasn’t a wizard.”
Will glanced at Maddy, who had to strain to hear him as he whispered, “Was it her?”
“She was just the catalyst,” Jas said.
When the truth finally hit him, Will’s mouth twisted into a disgusted grimace. “You aren’t going to tell me… You aren’t going to tell me you did this to yourself.” He stood. “God, James, I thought you were dead!”
Father Androcles sighed. “I’ll heat some rum for you boys, shall I?”
Will went on as though the priest weren’t even there. “And I mourned you like you were dead. I could understand if you’d been cursed, if you were afraid to show yourself to any of us. But this… You did this to yourself? And you let the rest of us think you were dead.”
Jas said nothing. Maddy trembled with his shame and anger, but did her best to hide it.
“Do you have any idea what it’s been like?” Will’s voice cracked. “You were all I had! And you know damn well I suffered more than that hellcat you call your father. So I think I’ve got a right to know why you would do something like this over…” he paused and gritted his teeth, “over a girl.”
Jas refused to look his friend in the eye. “You still don’t understand.”
“What?” Will threw up his hands. “What don’t I understand now?”
Father Androcles lit the fire under his stove and hoisted a decorated clay jug to his hip. “What you don’t understand,” he said, as he poured the sweet liquor into a copper pot, “is the master’s little puppet.”
“Oh, here we go again.” Will rolled his eyes.
“No, he’s right,” Jas said. “And to be honest, I’m shocked it’s taken you this long. You, of all people. You know more about these things than I do. You’d understand everything if you took two minutes to think, instead of seducing the girl or yelling at me.”
Will flushed.
“Don’t say anything,” Jas said. “Just think about it.”
“Think,” Father Androcles echoed as he put his pot over the fire.
“She has no voice,” Jas said. “She cannot disobey.”
“She’s an unstoppable force,” Father Androcles added with a grin.
“Not quite,” Jas said, narrowing his eyes at the priest. “But she is powerful, and she has a meaningless, protective instinct toward me and my empty shell.” He nodded at his body. “Surely some of this sounds familiar.”
Each hint added a new layer of understanding to Will’s expression. Maddy hated it. She watched his eyes grow wider as the truth sank in and wished she could trade her muteness for invisibility.
“Impossible,” Will said, at last.
Jas shook his head. “It’s more than possible. You saw yourself what happened when your knife was pulled from her arm. So listen carefully. What you know now, she doesn’t. And if you ever cared for me at all, you’ll help to preserve her ignorance.”
Will nodded, leaned his long body over both Titan and table, and pushed Maddy’s hair from her forehead.
“You won’t find what you’re looking for there,” Jas said. “I’m a little more discreet than that when my life is on the line.”
Will dropped his hand and continued to stare at Maddy, who stared right back at him, trying to read what he knew. “This still doesn’t explain why you mutilated yourself, James,” he said, sinking back into his seat. “There are many of us who’d be shot if Her Majesty knew the things we did when her back was turned, but we don’t go sealing our souls into beasts.”
“You couldn’t,” Jas said, “even if you wanted to.”
“That’s not the point.”
“It’s entirely the point!” Jas struck the floor with a hoof for emphasis. “You couldn’t do it because you’re not a monster. Don’t even try to argue, William; I know what I’m capable of.” He looked at Maddy in a way that made her cringe. “I was a monster once, but I’m not any more. And now monstrous things won’t be expected of me.”
Father Androcles’ ladle gonged against the sides of his stewing pot in the wake of everyone else’s awkward silence. He tasted his rum and licked his lips, before turning to the rest of the room. “I see,” he said. “The master doesn’t want to take his puppet’s life, and he believes he won’t have to if he’s no longer the thing that gave it to her.”
Will shrugged. “If you don’t want to kill her, don’t.”
“It’s not that simple,” Jas said.
“A Titan can only create the illusion of life.” Father Androcles gestured with his ladle like a schoolmaster, pointing to invisible words on an invisible chalkboard. “As an illusion begins to contemplate itself, it will become a paradox and show symptoms of chaos: desire, emotion, a distinct personality, and finally, autonomy. It is every Titan’s destiny to destroy its own creation before that happens. By sealing himself into a beast’s body, Master James believes he has found a way to outsmart destiny. He’s wrong, of course.”
Will shook his head. “Her life will end when her master’s does. What’s the problem with letting her live, as long as she’s obedient? I mean she’s not chaotic yet, is she?” He turned and squinted at Maddy. “She doesn’t look chaotic.”
“She has a family,” Jas said, as if that were the worst thing Maddy could have, “a mother and a brother. She talks to herself when she’s lonely, she cries and gets angry, she dreams on her own, and her imagination is… unique, to say the least. She’s convinced the trees are out to get her.”
“I’m not!” Maddy suddenly felt the need to defend herself. “It was just a story I knew—because of
a story…” She trailed off when she saw how they all stared at her. “I can use figurative language, too,” she murmured and looked down at her lap.
Jas concluded his speech. “And she uses figurative language.”
Maddy wanted to punch him.
“But that’s not chaos; that’s just human.” Will paused and seemed to consider his words more closely. “I suppose you’re right.”
Maddy had never been so alone in all her life. She bit her lip and tried not to cry. Then she wondered why crying was a bad thing for her to do, and she wondered why being human was a bad thing. She wanted to hide in the shadows, get away from the eyes of those who were watching her, afraid of her, fascinated with her.
Father Androcles stirred his rum one more time, put out the fire, and covered the pot. “Well,” he balanced the ladle on the lid, “she’s still obedient, isn’t she?”
“Yes,” Jas said. “It seems her chaos is benign, and I think that’s because her memory is incomplete. I want to keep it that way, which is why I’m taking her home in the morning. The longer she stays with me, the more she remembers.”
Maddy shivered as Will’s voice rang in her head. “You’re going to abandon her then? Just like that?”
“I can’t think of one good reason why I shouldn’t. Can you?” Jas turned to Maddy. “I ran away, Madeleine—that’s the truth of it—and I used the stag to do it. I told you, I’m a coward. I convinced myself I was calling you every night to finally face my responsibility, but I still can’t face it and I never intended to. I just wanted to see you again.”
But Maddy was already searching for one good reason. Just one. That was all she needed.
“Anyone care for a hot drink?” Father Androcles broke the silence with his usual inappropriate cheer.
“I doubt I can drink that stuff any more,” Jas said.
“You never know until you try.” Will beckoned Maddy with his index finger. “Come sit by me, doll. You must try the old man’s rum.”
“No,” Jas said.
“Why not?” Will leaned back in his chair. “Worried she’ll fall in love with someone other than you?”
