A part of her was glad Siobhán looked wrecked, but the other part of her wanted to pull Siobhán into her arms and make the hurt go away. God that was fucked up.
“Annie,” Siobhán said hoarsely. “I ...”
“Can I come in?” Annie asked quietly.
“Yeah. Of course.” Siobhán opened the door wider and stepped back. Siobhán shut the door after her, and they stood there in silence for a moment.
“How are you?” Siobhán finally asked.
Annie laughed hollowly. “I’m not great. I’ve been thinking about things pretty much nonstop since I left yesterday. Thanks for bringing some of my stuff by though. I really needed my phone and laptop.”
“Yeah, I know.” Siobhán looked down. “I thought about bringing your clothes too, but I—I wanted there to be a reason you came back here.”
“I didn’t come for my stuff,” Annie admitted.
Siobhán lifted her head. “No?”
“No. I don’t know what I want to say or what I want the outcome to be, but I came here to talk.”
Siobhán burst into tears. She hastily wiped at her eyes. “Sorry, sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel bad for me. I fucked up, and I know it’s all my fault, but God, the thought that maybe there’s even the smallest chance I could fix it ...” She wiped at the tears again.
“I know.” For as angry and emotional as Annie had been yesterday, at the moment, she felt strangely calm.
“Would you like a cuppa?”
“Sure,” Annie agreed. She was pretty sure if she and Siobhán were truly over, it would be the last cup of tea she would ever drink.
She followed Siobhán into the kitchen and winced when she thought about the fight that had happened in there the day before. But there weren’t any places they could go in the apartment that weren’t filled with memories of her and Siobhán. They’d made love on the couch, in the bedroom, the bathroom, even here in the kitchen. They’d kissed everywhere, held hands, talked of a future together.
The memories felt like ghosts, filling up the space around them. She took a seat at the table anyway as Siobhán filled the kettle.
Annie’s gaze passed over the refrigerator and saw the blank spot where the photo was missing again. It made her wonder how many other ghosts lingered here. “Did Laura ever live here?” she blurted out.
Siobhán lifted her head, her eyes wide. She set the kettle onto the burner with a thunk. “No, why?”
“I—I just wondered.”
“No, I moved here after she and I broke up. Laura has never even been here.”
“Oh. Okay.” Annie felt weirdly relieved.
Siobhán’s lips tightened briefly as if she was about to say something, but instead, she twisted the knob on the stove and lit the burner.
It wasn’t until they had cups of tea in front of them that either of them spoke again.
“Can I say something, Annie?” She nodded. “I’m sorry. I’m so fecking sorry.”
“I know,” Annie admitted. “I read your note. And I believe that you are sorry and that you know you fucked up. But how can I trust you?”
Siobhán looked at her with watery eyes. “I don’t know.”
“I can’t get the image out of my head of you kissing her. Going to her hotel room and making love to her,” Annie confessed.
“I didn’t, Annie. She tried to kiss me, and I pulled back,” Siobhán protested. “We never touched each other. I swear it.”
“I know. I—I believe that. But it doesn’t stop the images in my head.” Annie looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. “I made the mistake of finding Laura online.”
“How did you manage that?”
“I saw her last name in her email. Looked it up in conjunction with the keywords politician and Boston. I was an investigative reporter, Siobhán. She wasn’t hard to find.” Annie swallowed. “But I wish I hadn’t. I didn’t need to know that she was thin and blonde and that we look enough alike we could be mistaken for sisters.”
“Annie ...” Siobhán said, her tone anguished.
“No, that part’s my own fault. You know what they say about curiosity and the cat.” She took a deep breath. “But when it comes down to it, that’s what hurts most. That you were trying to replace her. I don’t want to be her replacement.”
“You’re not,” Siobhán protested.
“It looks that way from this end. I look like her. I saw the paintings you had stacked against the wall a few weeks ago. I peeked at them and thought they were of me.” Annie blinked back tears. “But they weren’t, were they?”
Siobhán shook her head.
Annie felt sick seeing it confirmed. “They were Laura. Ones you painted of her. Ones of the two of you together.”
Siobhán merely nodded, as if Annie’s questions had rendered her mute.
“I looked at them, and I knew something was a little off. They didn’t seem quite like me, but I wanted to believe they were.” Annie’s voice cracked. “I wanted to trust you, Siobhán.”
Siobhán closed her eyes, a single track of tears leaking down her left cheek.
“Laura was your muse first; the woman you wanted to spend your life with. She was the one you’ve loved longest. How can I compete?”
“I know it looks like that, but that isn’t what this is. I swear it.”
“Tell me how,” Annie said, tears streaming down her cheeks too. “Tell me how I can ever believe I am special to you after this.”
“Oh, Annie.” Siobhán burst into tears again. She got up from the chair and dropped to her knees in front of Annie. Too shocked to respond, Annie let Siobhán take her hands as she looked up at Annie. “That’s how I am in a relationship. I fall in love, and I’m filled with ideas, with inspiration. I can’t change that.”
“Oh.” Annie felt strangely deflated, hurt and disappointed that she hadn’t been unique.
“I never meant to mislead you.”
“I know,” Annie admitted. “You never claimed I was the only one. I just assumed ...”
Siobhán looked miserable. “I love you. And you do inspire my work. I’m filled with ideas when I touch you. Every day I’m with you makes me more creative, more inspired to make art. With you, I’ve been pushing my boundaries, making the kind of art I’ve only dreamed of in the past.”
“More than with Laura?” Annie felt petty even asking, but she needed to know.
“Yes.”
“You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”
Siobhán shook her head. “I love you in a way I never loved Laura. I was infatuated with her, obsessed with her, but what we had was never real. We were never building a future together. It was all one-sided because she couldn’t admit to her family or even to herself who she is.”
“But that doesn’t change your feelings for Laura,” Annie said gently. “Just because Laura was conflicted about her identity doesn’t mean you loved her any less than you thought you did at the time. It only means Laura didn’t feel the same for you. Or wasn’t able to admit it.”
“But if she never intended to be with me—like we talked about—it wasn’t real. If she always knew, eventually, she’d give in and do what they wanted, then the things she said about our future meant nothing.”
Annie frowned. “Maybe. Or maybe she wanted so badly to believe it, she convinced herself. You’ll never know. She may not even know.”
“I suppose,” Siobhán muttered. “But what does it matter, Annie? It doesn’t matter what Laura is or what she believed at the time. It doesn’t even matter what she wants now. Even if she had promised me everything I ever wanted to hear, I wouldn’t have gotten back together with her.”
“Because she would still be hiding her sexuality?”
“No! Because of you. Even if Laura divorced her husband and took out a full page ad in The Boston Globe telling the world she’s a lesbian, I wouldn’t date her again,” Siobhán said scornfully. “It’s because Laura isn’t the woman I’m in love with. The feelings
I thought I had for her are long gone. All I had to do was sit across a table from her to realize it. I thought I was still hung up on her, but I was wrong.”
Tears rolled down Siobhán’s cheeks again, and the sight tugged at Annie’s heart.
“I love you, Annie. And I will do anything to win you back. I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”
“I don’t like it either,” Annie admitted. “But while I might be able to forgive you, I don’t know that I can ever forget, Siobhán.”
“I know. Can I say one more thing?”
“You can say whatever you want,” Annie said. She couldn’t promise it would change anything, but there was no reason not to let Siobhán say her piece.
“Part of the reason I went to see Laura was because I knew I needed to put things to rest with her. I returned the paintings and told her to do what she wanted with them. Burn them, if necessary. Laura was a ghost we needed to be rid of. And I know I went about it the wrong way, and I may have risked everything that matters to me to do it, but it worked. I did manage to exorcise her. My feelings for her are dead and buried. I just knew we couldn’t move forward if this was hanging over us in the future. You said that yourself.”
Annie bristled at the idea that somehow this had been her fault. “That doesn’t excuse anything, Siobhán. I never told you to meet Laura for lunch or go to her hotel room.”
“I know.” Tears spilled down Siobhán’s cheeks again. “But how else was I supposed to get closure?”
“I don’t know!” Annie threw up her hands. “But we could have figured it out together! Maybe you could have come to me, said that Laura had contacted you, and asked how I felt about you meeting her. Or something. I don’t know. I just know there had to be a way of going about it that didn’t involve sneaking around behind my back.”
“You wouldn’t have been upset by that? By learning Laura had contacted me and that I wanted to meet with her?”
“I probably would have been upset,” Annie admitted. “But less upset than I am right now, that’s for sure. Tell me why you hid it from me. I don’t understand.”
“Because I knew how much I’d already asked you to deal with. You’d put up with my jealousy, my past with Laura coming up constantly ...” Siobhán swallowed audibly. “And I was terrified that if I asked for more, it would be too much. And I was ashamed that my heart raced when I saw the first message from Laura. And that thinking about her made me doubt my feelings for you. Just for a moment, but ...”
Annie squeezed her eyes shut as tears leaked from the corners. Siobhán had been right about one thing, hearing that was difficult. It hurt. But not as much as it hurt knowing that Siobhán had met with Laura behind her back. She opened her eyes and wiped at them. “I understand that, Siobhán. I do, but it’s no excuse. Yes, it would have hurt to hear that, but at least, it would have been honest. And I would have, at least, felt like we were in this together instead of me against you and Laura like always.”
Siobhán looked anguished. “I never meant for you to feel that way, Annie.”
“I know you didn’t.” Annie felt like a suddenly deflated balloon as the anger leeched out of her. “But I do. And I’m tired of it.”
Siobhán gripped her hands. “How can I make this right?”
“I don’t know, Siobhán.” Annie shook her head. “I really have no idea.”
“I wish I knew what to do, Annie.”
“Me too.” Annie sighed, and they were both silent for a few moments. “Tell me one thing.”
“Of course; anything.”
“Are you really over her now? For good? If we can move forward, is this the end of Laura being a part of our lives?”
“Yes.” Siobhán’s answer was so swift and matter of fact that Annie blinked. Despite her doubts about Siobhán’s trustworthiness, strangely enough, she believed Siobhán about that.
“No more ghosts? No more doubts about my sexuality or my need for anyone but you?”
“None. Not a shred of doubt. And I swear to you, Annie, Laura is in the past now. She’ll have no place here. ”
Annie sighed. “I hope so. Because this is it. No more. I can’t do it. The smallest hint of it and I’m done.”
“I know, Annie,” Siobhán said gravely.
Annie wet her lips. “Can you give me a few minutes to think? Alone?”
Siobhán nodded. “I’ll go in the other room. Take all the time you need.”
“Thanks.”
Siobhán left the kitchen, closing the French doors behind her. Annie stared down at her half-empty tea cup as she considered the past few months with Siobhán.
Their relationship had been tumultuous. There was no denying that. The highs were higher than anyone Annie had ever been with. But the lows were lower. She didn’t like Siobhán’s jealousy. She hated Laura’s presence in Siobhán’s past. And she detested the lies.
But despite everything, Annie believed Siobhán could change. Since their fight at the gallery, Siobhán had reined in her jealousy. Siobhán now seemed sincere about being over Laura, so Annie could hope that in the future, that wouldn’t be an issue again.
But the lies made her pause. Could she trust Siobhán again? That was the part that terrified her.
Annie weighed all of it. The fights. The making love. The fears and worries. The love and support. The good and the bad.
As she weighed them all, the scales tipped in favor of Siobhán being in her life. If Siobhán had really let Laura go, maybe it was worth giving their relationship another shot.
Annie was scared shitless. Her head told her it would take hard work to get to a point where she could trust Siobhán again. And she was risking getting her heart broken again. But her heart told her that Siobhán was worth it. Their relationship was worth it.
A thousand emotions swirled through her as she stood on shaky legs and walked to the door. A part of her wondered if she should just cut her losses and run, but something still tugged her toward Siobhán, who sat on the loveseat with her legs drawn up, her chin on her knees. She seemed to be staring blankly at the cushion a few feet away. She looked small and lost, and the sight of her made Annie’s heart ache with hurt and love.
“Siobhán?” Annie said quietly.
She lifted her head, her eyes wide and startled-looking. Her lips trembled for a moment before she pressed them tightly together. “Yeah?” Her voice sounded hoarse.
“I’ve had some time to think.”
Siobhán drew in a deep, shuddering breath and stood. She squared her shoulders as she looked at Annie like she was about to face a firing squad.
“C’mere,” Annie said softly.
Siobhán skirted around the loveseat and came to stand a few feet from Annie. For a moment, Annie just looked at her. There was no trace of the beautiful, self-assured woman Annie had first met. Or of the gorgeous, sexy one who’d seduced her during their first date. Not the soft, sweet girlfriend who curled up against Annie in her sleep. Or the strong, encouraging partner Annie had begun to build a life with.
Now she was a stripped-down version of the woman Annie had fallen in love with: devastated, raw, heartbroken. Remorseful.
Annie could smell the sharp scent of acrylic paints in the air and the faint milk and honey sweetness that always clung to Siobhán’s skin. It made her heart ache, and she felt a sense of surety settle over her. There was no way she could walk out the door and never see Siobhán again.
It was terrifying, giving Siobhán the chance to hurt her all over again, but Annie knew deep down in her gut, it was the right choice.
Annie managed a faint smile.
“I’m really scared to get my heart broken again, but I love you, Siobhán,” she said softly. “And if you’re sure this is the last time Laura will intrude on our relationship, I’m willing to give this another shot.”
Siobhán gave Annie a faint, tremulous smile back. “You mean that?”
“Yes. I’m fucking scared, Siobhán. I know I can’t handle another fight like t
his and if you lie to me again, it’s over, but I’m not ready to give up on us yet.”
Before Annie could blink, she felt Siobhán’s body against hers. She clung to Annie, her arms iron-strong around Annie’s shoulders. “I hated myself for hurting you. I could never have forgiven myself losing you,” Siobhán said in a choked voice. “I’ve missed you, mo grá.”
Annie stroked her hand down Siobhán’s spine. “I know.”
“I can’t lose you, Annie. Not because you inspire my work or because I just need to be with someone. And not because you’re like anyone but you. I can’t lose you because I love you. And I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.”
Annie felt tears leak from the corners of her eyes as she pressed her lips against Siobhán’s. The taste of Siobhán’s lips on her own was the sweetest thing she’d tasted in a long time. “I love you too. So much.”
Siobhán stroked a finger down Annie’s cheek, wiping away the moisture. “I know it’ll take time, but I will be sure you can trust me again. I swear it.”
“I believe that.”
Siobhán offered her a tremulous smile and took her hand. Wordlessly, Annie followed her down the hall to the bedroom. Siobhán undressed her, and then herself. When they slid into bed naked, it didn’t feel like the precursor to the angry, lustful sex they’d had before.
This felt different. And maybe that was good. Maybe they were growing as a couple.
Siobhán gripped her tightly, but as her hands roamed across Annie’s back, they weren’t seeking anything but reassurance. It was enough for Annie to give it back.
Chapter Eighteen
December
“Do you have plans tonight?” Annie asked her roommate.
Rebecca shook her head. “No. What’s up?”
“I was wondering if you’d be up for a girl’s night. I could use some advice. Oh, and Dee’ll be home. I talked to her already. Trent’s at a bachelor party for some friend of his, so I thought maybe the three of us could hang out.”
“Sure.” Rebecca brightened. “That sounds fun. Want me to take care of dinner?”
“No offense, Rebecca, but your meals kinda suck.”
She laughed. “Oh, thanks, Annie.”
A Brighter Palette Page 17
