Knowing you was fun, and I cared for you. But when all is said and done, it wasn’t love. It was just a passing phase. A way to pass the time and enjoy myself. After giving it lots of thought—and in my honest opinion—I now believe your parents were right. I’m just not right for you. You need to be with someone who fits you. Someone who understands your lifestyle in a way I never will.
By the time you read this, I will be on my way to New York to start over, and to see where life takes me. I suggest you do the same.
I wish you well.
All the best,
Star
I flopped onto the couch and scrunched the pages into a ball. Tears needled my eyes. It was over, and there was no turning back. The letter was so cold and without any expression of emotion. That just wasn’t like her. That wasn’t the Star I knew. The fact that she had written a damned letter in the first place was a low blow, especially considering the way she had been hurt by Sully the fucking Sasquatch. Clearly the success of her exhibition had changed her, which was in itself a huge shock. Did I know her at all?
And New York? Why the hell would she want to go there when she loved Edinburgh so much? Any dim hopes of reconciliation were snuffed out, and anger bubbled up inside me. Why had she never been willing to listen to my explanation? If she had, she would have known that after the charity ball debacle, I told my parents to fuck off out of my life for good. That they had no clue how happy she made me, and that I didn’t care what they thought. That she was the one I loved and wanted to spend my life with. She would also have known that the reason I had been so dumbfounded was because my father had expressed love for me for the first time in almost twenty-eight years. It was enough to knock me off my feet and scramble my brain for a few moments. But only until it sank in that they were playing a cruel game.
But I’d never had that chance, and so I had to resign myself to the fact that whatever I felt hadn’t been mutual. She had returned to the USA, and no matter how much I loved her, I had to let her go.
As I stared at the crumpled pages of the letter, my mind drifted back to the last time I spoke to Isobel and Campbell Hunter.
Campbell’s eyes followed Star’s retreating form. “Quite the little drama queen, isn’t she, your plaything?”
I gritted my teeth and stepped toward him with clenched fists. “Don’t you ever speak of my girlfriend that way again. She is the woman I love, and quite frankly, if you don’t like her, that’s just tough shit. I’m in love with her, and she makes me happy. After all these years of waiting for your approval, I think all these sudden expressions of love are a little bit too late, don’t you? The reason you’ve decided you suddenly ‘love’ me is because I’ve finally grown a pair of fucking balls and stood up to you. I’ve found someone I want to be with and something I want to do with my life. And you didn’t get to choose it. So you can both fuck off and leave me alone. Write me out of your fucking will. Please, go ahead and do it. I want nothing from you. Because nothing is what I’m used to. You’re both living in fucking la la land if you think for one second that I would ever come back and work for you. And as for you disowning me, no fucking need. Because as of this moment, I consider myself an orphan.”
I turned and went to find McKendrick to tell him I was leaving. To tell him I had to go find my heart, as Star had left with it firmly in her grasp, and that I had been a total fucking idiot to let her walk out of the place without me.
♫♫♫
Bannerman’s was already heaving when we arrived. Nate pulled me to one side once the guys had set up. A look of concern clouded his eyes.
“You’re not yourself, mate. What’s happened? Have you spoken to Star?”
I laughed without feeling the slightest hint of humour. “Had a letter from her. Talk about a cold-hearted bitch.”
His eyes widened. “Why? What did it say?”
“That she’s realised she’s not right for me, and she’s received a better fucking offer. She’s…” I swallowed the ball of anger and emotion that had begun to restrict my throat. “She’s gone, Nate. She’s left for New York.” My voice broke, and I internally berated myself for it.
He gripped my shoulder. “Fuck, Fin. I’m so sorry mate. That’s shit.”
“Yeah, you could say that. I really thought she’d listen. That she’d let me explain. But, well, it’s over. She’s moving on, and I guess I need to do the same.”
Star
Edinburgh airport was crowded, and I clung to Alec like he was my lifeline. In a way, he was. He was the one thing I had left in Scotland. But even though his friendship had grounded me all these years, I was no longer attached to the city I once loved. Thanks to Finlay Hunter, my heart was broken, and the only way to heal was to start over.
New York was as good a place as any.
Marshall Davies had organised an apartment for me on the Upper East Side. Quite a prestigious location, from what I’d heard. The photos of the second-floor apartment looked wonderful, and I should have been so excited. Marshall and I had been in regular contact since I had accepted his offer.
Alec had been instrumental in encouraging me to accept the opportunity of a lifetime. He cupped my face in his hands. “If you don’t like it, Twinkle, you will always have a home with me, and you can come back any time. But you’ll never know if you don’t at least try.”
His eyes had glistened with tears as he fought to keep his emotions in check, but I loved him for being so positive about the whole thing. I was having so many doubts about my abilities that I appreciated him believing in me enough for both of us.
As my flight was called, I hugged Alec hard. “I’m going to miss you so much.” A sob escaped me and tears over-spilled my clenched eyes.
He gripped me back just as tightly. “We’ll keep in touch. There’s online calling and social media. It’ll be like we’re not really apart. You’ll see.” But his voice sounded strangled, as if he was struggling just as much as I was. He mumbled into my hair, “If Fin gets in touch, what should I say?”
I pulled away and gazed up at him. “He won’t be in touch. I can guarantee it.”
The announcer made the last call for my flight, and I reluctantly made my way toward the gate. A ball of emotion and fear knotted my stomach.
This was it.
My life was about to change dramatically. Again. The one saving grace in it all was the fact that I would at least be on the same continent as my parents again. The flight from Indiana would take just over an hour and a half, and they had already booked to come see me. But the thought of starting over terrified me. I knew no one in the Big Apple. I had never even visited there. I feared how impersonal it might be after the friendliness of Edinburgh.
But I had to go.
♫♫♫
Around five hours later, with just over an hour left of the flight, I reached into my bag and pulled out the white envelope that had appeared on my doormat only a few days earlier. The contents still hurt. Every time I read the words, my stomach flipped and churned. But somehow, re-reading it re-iterated the fact that I had made the right decision in leaving Edinburgh.
Dearest Star,
I hear your exhibition went well and I’m very happy for you. You are incredibly talented and after seeing the newspaper reviews, I’m glad you received the praise you deserve. I understand you were offered a long-term exhibition in New York’s Napier Gallery. You must be so very happy. I wanted to drop you a line and wish you well.
It’s a shame things didn’t work out between us. But when you think about it, we were never truly meant to be. I want you to know I understand why you wouldn’t speak to me after the charity ball, but you have to know my parents were only looking out for me. The fact that they love me warms my heart, and I’m so grateful to have them in my life once again. And I think I maybe have you to thank for that.
Things have been difficult, and I’m so sorry you were dragged into the middle of my mistakes but I now realise that many of my decisions were real errors in judg
ement. I had no right to use you the way I did, and again, I can only apologise. I’ve had the opportunity to discuss everything with my parents and they’ve forgiven me, I just hope you can too someday. I’ll be taking back my position within the family firm too. My rightful place.
I sincerely wish you the very best in all your New York endeavours and hope that you meet someone who can love you as much as you deserve. I’m sorry I couldn’t.
All the best for the future,
Fin
I folded the paper with shaking hands and stuffed it back in the envelope as my heart broke all over again. I hated that he had written a letter, but I suppose my unwillingness to talk to him had forced his hand. The letter was so matter of fact. So final. I wish you all the very best in your New York endeavours. Jeez, what was it, a job rejection? He may as well have said, “we sincerely hope you find gainful employment very soon”. If this was the real Fin Hunter then I’d had a lucky escape.
Okay, so that was a lie.
I still loved him, and it hurt like hell fire to know it was over. Every single lie he’d told me came back to haunt me. He’d never loved me. I’d been some kind of fun distraction whilst he rebelled against his parents and found himself.
Clearly, the duplicitous personality wasn’t just connected to his love of music. I felt humiliated. Like he was laughing at me. Poor Star, the silly American barista girl with the crush on the high-flying lawyer who was way out of her league.
God, how pathetic.
The plane eventually began its descent into JFK, and the lights in the cabin dimmed. Tears trailed in streaks down my face as I gazed out over the twinkling lights of my new home.
Home.
That word was never farther from the way I felt than right then.
Fin
I sat staring out of my office window at the multitude of architectural styles of the city. Star had been gone from the UK for around a month. But even though she had left my country, she most certainly never left my heart or my mind. And as difficult as it was to admit it to myself, I knew I’d been a coward. I should have spoken to her. Made her listen to me.
The folks of Edinburgh carried on with their everyday lives in the city below, and I envied every single one of them who could focus on normal things. Obviously, I’m not omnipotent, and I had no idea how many of those people down there were suffering something similar to my fate, but I would’ve gladly traded places with any one of them. At least a new pain would have been something different.
My intercom buzzed, dragging me from my pity party for one, and I hit the buzzer. “Yes, Fiona?”
“Finlay, Miss Drummond is here to see you.”
“Great. Thanks, Fiona. Please send her in.”
I stood and walked around my desk, ready to hug Elise when she walked through the door. She looked lovely. Very fresh-faced, and it was good to see. Before she could say a word, I pulled her into my arms.
“Whoa! Is someone happy to see me?” She giggled and hugged me back.
“I sure am, Liss.”
She patted my back and pulled away to kiss my cheek. “Still no news?” The concern in her expression knotted my stomach, and I shook my head, unable to say the answer out loud. “She’ll come around, Fin. I just know she will.”
I shook my head. “I honestly don’t think so, Liss. I think it’s really over.”
“Let’s go for lunch, eh? We can talk.”
I nodded my agreement and grabbed my jacket. Fiona gave me a pitiful smile as we left the building. It was sweet that everyone was being so understanding, but in all honesty, I was sick of everyone walking on eggshells around me. Relationships ended all the time. Why mine was the hot topic, I’d never know.
As we walked along Princes Street amongst the hustle and bustle of the lunchtime rush, I remembered times when Star and I had walked the same street late at night. We’d held hands and chatted easily as we watched the passing trams and taxi cabs. Regardless of the number of people around me on the street, I had never felt so damn lonely.
Elise stopped at the end of one of the side streets and pulled my arm. We quickly arrived on Rose Street, and she tugged me into a small café where there was one table free.
She gestured to a chair. “Sit. I’ll get you a coffee.”
Too miserable to argue about who was paying, I did as she had ordered and sat at the table by the window. A girl with tattoos passed by outside, and my heart leapt. Just as she was level with me, she glanced at me through the glass. Of course, it wasn’t Star. She was thousands of miles away in New fucking York.
The clunk of a coffee cup being placed before me pulled me back to Elise, and I smiled warmly at her. “Thanks for this, Liss.”
She shrugged. “It’s just coffee.”
“You know what I mean. You being here for me. I appreciate it.”
She responded with a sad smile. “I know you do. And what are friends for if not when we’re in need of a hug and chat, eh?”
“Doesn’t it feel weird? You know, you coming up from London, leaving your boyfriend behind for the weekend just so you can console your dickhead of an ex?”
She shrugged nonchalantly. “Rand happens to be a very understanding man. And he knows how important you are to me.”
I fell silent for a while, lost in my thoughts once again. “What the hell am I going to do, Liss?”
She huffed and tilted her head to one side. “Well, the way I see it, you have two options. One, you forget about her and move on. You have lots of groupies vying for your attention now you’re a local rock god.”
I scrunched my face, irked by her description of my hobby. “And two?”
“Two, you get your arse on a plane and fly out to New York to tell her she made a mistake by leaving. That you love her to pieces and can’t live without her.”
I closed my eyes and let my head roll back. “But work…the band…” She nipped the skin of my forearm and I cried out whilst glaring at her. “Ow! What was that for?”
“Because, Fin Hunter, you’re a tit. You don’t even want to be a bloody lawyer. You never have. And the band has no gigs for a month whilst Nate and his wife go to Australia. You told me all this, remember? So, what the hell are you waiting for? Why are you making excuses?” Of course, she was right, and I hated her for it. But only briefly.
I held up my hands. “Okay, okay. You’ve got a point. But…what if she tells me to fuck off?”
Leaning across the table and clutching my hand, she gazed at me with heartfelt sincerity. “You won’t know if you don’t try. And if she does tell you to fuck off then have a few days to get everything out of your system in the Big Apple and come home with a clear head.”
God, she made it sound so fucking easy. So why was my gut telling me it wouldn’t be?
♫♫♫
Alasdair steepled his fingers and rested his chin on them. “I think Elise is right, Fin. But I also think you need to be careful. From what you said, her parting letter was very cold. Perhaps she has moved on. I just don’t want you going all the way out there to get hurt, son.”
“I know and I appreciate that, Da—oh shit.” My hands covered my mouth. “Sorry. I mean Alasdair. Shit. That just slipped out.” I held my hands up in some form of surrender as my cheeks almost spontaneously combusted with embarrassment.
Alasdair’s eyes were fixed on mine, his eyebrows raised. A low chuckle erupted from his chest and his cheeks also coloured. “That’s okay. I did call you son. I think you can be forgiven. Not that there’s anything to forgive. I’m glad you feel able to talk to me as a friend as well as an employer. And…well, I do look on you as a son of sorts.”
His words touched my heart, but I had to remain on task. “So tell me honestly. Do you think I’d be making a colossal mistake going out there?”
He shook his head. “No, no. I think it’s a good idea. Perhaps this way your questions will be answered one way or another, and you’ll be able to move on either with or without Star in your life. But at least you�
��ll know. There’s a lot to be said for closure.”
“And are you happy with me taking the two weeks off? I mean, I may be back sooner but—”
“Fin, it’s absolutely fine. Go get some flights booked and get some bloody food, will you? You’re looking very pale and gaunt lately. Colette would have my guts for garters if she thought for a second I hadn’t at least tried to make you eat something.”
I grinned wide as my heart thudded in my chest at the prospect of the journey I was about to embark upon. “I promise I’ll eat tonight.”
“Good. Now bugger off and get some work done. You’re slacking.” He winked and I laughed for the first time in what seemed like months. I knew he was only jesting considering I had worked late every single night since I received Star’s letter. It was better to be occupied and too busy to think than to sit at home wallowing in whiskey and self-pity.
Star
Standing in The Napier Gallery in New York surrounded by walls adorned with my own work never got any less surreal. So far, the exhibition had attracted lots of attention in its month-long run to date, and I’d sold several of the larger pieces. The one that hurt the most was the original enlargement of the Edinburgh Castle shot that Fin had loved so much. Seeing that leave to go to its new home had left me in the back office in floods of tears. Marcus, the gallery director, had been concerned, but I’d managed to convince him that letting any of my pieces go would be emotional. Thankfully, he’d bought my lame ass excuse, although he must have thought I was a total flake.
I was relieved that the shot of the Forbes Hunter gravestone was still hanging in the gallery, and I vowed that if it didn’t sell within the next week, I was going to request that it be marked as ‘not for sale’. Each time I thought about the times Fin and I had walked through the Old Calton Burial Ground, a deep sadness washed over me. The fractured stonework resembled the state of my heart, but the memory of the day I took the photo was one I treasured. It was a day I’d been able to show Fin the side of Edinburgh that I loved. But I wondered if any of the experiences we had shared had meant anything to him.
Duplicity Page 24
