by Walsh, Rosie
Then: Should I be eating this? I wondered suddenly. I was sure I’d seen pregnant friends avoiding shellfish. I looked at the meal in front of me. Seafood, shellfish and a large glass of Mountain Dew. Wasn’t caffeine banned, too?
Yet again, the tectonic plates of my life shifted underneath me. I am nine weeks pregnant .
‘Here,’ Jenni said heavily. ‘Take some scallops before I eat it all, Sarah. I’m sensing another binge coming on.’
I declined.
‘But you love scallops.’
‘I know … I’m not feeling the love today, though.’
‘Seriously? Well, at least have some of this blue-cheese dip for your fries. I think it’s actually real cheese. It’s good.’
‘Oh, I’m fine with ketchup. You have it.’
Jenni laughed. ‘Sarah Mackey, you detest ketchup. No scallops, no blue cheese – anyone’d think you were pregnant. Look, please don’t try to starve yourself, honey. It won’t help anything, and besides, life is totally miserable without food.’
I laughed, a little too loudly. Picked up a scallop to prove that I was fine, and certainly not pregnant, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make myself eat the stupid thing. I had a baby the size of a strawberry growing in me, a baby I’d neither planned nor asked for, but still I couldn’t eat the scallop. The edge of a frown crossed Jenni’s face.
‘Best to just ignore me,’ I said, in a voice stiff with forced jollity. Javier glanced up. ‘I’ve got a funny appetite today.’
‘That’d be the ultimate irony, wouldn’t it?’ Jenni said. ‘You being pregnant.’
‘Ha! Can you imagine?’
Jenni went back to her food, but after a few seconds she looked at me again. ‘I mean, you’re not, are you?’
‘Of course I’m …’
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lie to her. So I shut my mouth.
Jenni lowered her fork to the table. ‘Sarah? You’re not pregnant, are you?’
My face burned. I looked down, around, anywhere but at Jenni.
‘That’s not why you … That’s not why you’ve been ill? The doctor … ? ’
Javier stared at me. Don’t you dare , his face said. Don’t you dare.
Jenni watched me, and her eyes began to swim with tears. ‘Why aren’t you saying anything? Why aren’t you answering me?’
I closed my eyes. ‘Jenni,’ I said. ‘Oh God, Jenni, I …’
Her hand rose to her mouth. She stared at me in disbelief, and her tears bulged and broke. ‘No, you’re not … You couldn’t be pr— Oh Jesus. Sarah.’
Javier wrapped a protective arm around his wife’s shoulders. After a deep breath he looked up at me, and his face wore the first tangible emotion I’d seen in fifteen years: fury.
‘Jenni,’ I said quietly. ‘Listen, darling. When I went to the doctor’s, she said … She did some tests, and she said … Jenni, I am so sorry …’
‘You’re having a baby.’
‘I … Yes. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.’
Into the perfect silence of our table, my phone started ringing.
‘Eddie?’ Jenni whispered, because even when her friend smashed her round the face, she couldn’t give up.
‘I … I don’t know. I deleted his number. But it’s a UK mobile.’
‘Take it,’ she said flatly. ‘Just take it. He’s the father of your child, after all.’
As I reached the crowded doorway, phone in hand, it came to me that I should turn round to see Jenni’s face, one last time. One last time before what?
I turned, not fully understanding why, but a barrel-like woman was craning herself into one of the fixed seats and Jenni was obscured.
So I carried on, threading my way through the diners on the outside terrace. I walked through the bikers, the bikes, down towards the highway. I wondered if Jenni would ever get over this. If our friendship would survive.
Wearily, I answered the call.
There was a delay of a few seconds while a voice whizzed through cables deep under the Atlantic.
Then: ‘Sarah?’
‘Yes.’
After a moment the voice said, ‘It’s Hannah.’
‘Hannah?’
‘Yes. Er … Hannah Harrington.’
I put out a hand to steady myself, only there was nothing there. So I held on to the phone with both hands, because it was the only solid thing I had.
‘Hannah?’
‘Yes.’
‘My sister Hannah?’
‘Yes.’
A moment’s silence.
‘I appreciate this might be a bit of a shock.’
‘Your voice,’ I whispered. ‘Your voice.’ I held more tightly on to the phone. She started to say something but her voice was drowned out by a salvo of motorbikes swarming into the car park, all fitted out with powerful engines.
‘Sorry?’ I said. ‘What was that? Hannah?’
‘Can you hear me now?’ I heard her say. ‘I’m kind of bellowing …’ The bikers, all parked, were now sitting, revving, for no reason. Unreasonable fury rose in my chest. ‘Shut up !’ I shouted. ‘Please, stop it!’
On the other side of the road, a peaceful-looking path led haphazardly towards the distant sea. I have to get across the road , I thought desperately, as vehicles roared along the highway in front of me and motorbikes revved behind. I have to get across the road, right now .
‘Are you still there?’ I heard her say.
‘Yes! Can you hear me?’
‘Just about. What the hell’s going on there?’
I knew what Hannah looked like: Mum and Dad used to send me photos, until it had become too painful for me to see them. It was almost impossible to imagine that the woman from the pictures was the woman talking to me now. The woman with the curly-haired husband, the two children and the dog. My little sister.
‘Look, Hannah, let me cross the road. I’m at a bikers’ cafe; there’s a lot of noise, but it’ll be quiet over there …’
‘Are you a biker ?’ There was just a corner of a smile in her voice.
‘No, I’m not. I— Hang on, let me just get across to the other side. Please stay on the line …’ There was a gap in the southbound traffic. For no earthly reason, I didn’t turn to check the northbound lane. I just ran. Towards the sea, towards Hannah.
I heard nothing; I saw nothing. Not the deadly lumber of a truck travelling at high speed. Not the screech of brakes, not the panicked yells from the terrace. I didn’t hear my own voice, forced out of me in a guttural scream, then falling sharply into silence, like an ambulance turning its siren off because there was no longer any point, and I didn’t hear the wail that came out of Jenni’s mouth as she pummelled her way out of the restaurant.
I didn’t hear a thing.
PART III
Chapter Forty
Eddie
Dear You,
It’s 3.37 a.m., nearly eighteen hours since I touched down at Heathrow.
Nobody was waiting for me, of course, because the only person who knew I was coming back today was Mum. I feigned indifference as I scanned the sea of welcome cards that didn’t say my name. I whistled a bit of Bowie.
I called Mum on my way to the long-stay car park. For reasons as yet unclear, she seems to have found my absence particularly hard this time. Maybe it was the distance that threw her. It certainly isn’t the first time I’ve gone away for two weeks. Anyway, she told me she’d been up all night worrying about my plane crashing. ‘It’s been awful,’ she told me. ‘I’m so tired I can hardly speak.’ But she must then have made an immediate recovery because she went on to spend ten minutes telling me about the things her sister failed to do in my absence. ‘She still hasn’t taken the recycling away. It’s just sitting there by the front gate! I can’t bear to look out of the window. Eddie, do you think you could pop over on your way home?’
Poor Aunty Margaret.
Mum came close to a panic attack when Margaret tried to take her for her psychiatrist’s
appointment apparently, so I’ve got to take her next week. She said she just couldn’t cope with cars, hospitals, people. Not without me. The conversation was ploughed with deep furrows of guilt. Mine, for having just buggered off – even though Mum’s always telling me I’ve got to lead my own life – and hers, because she knows this is what happens when I do.
I picked up the Land Rover and drove back down the M4. Back to Gloucestershire, to Sapperton, to this life. I listened to the radio for a while, because it stopped me thinking about Sarah. I came off at Membury Services for a cheese sandwich.
Then something weird happened as I headed down the Cirencester Road: I didn’t slow down for the Sapperton junction. I didn’t even indicate; I just shot on past. I carried on to the Frampton turn-off, but I didn’t come off there, either. I found myself driving to Minchinhampton Common. I parked at the reservoir and got an ice cream and walked round Amberley, and then dropped into the Black Horse. I had an orange Henry, then sat there for about two hours, just staring across the Woodchester Valley.
I’m not sure what was going on in my head. Everything felt oddly detached, as if I were watching CCTV footage of myself. All I knew was that I couldn’t go to Mum’s.
By this point she’d texted and called me several times, worried I’d crashed on the motorway. So I told her I was fine, had just got held up sorting something out, but that was more because I didn’t know what I was doing than because I was hiding something specific. At about four I was back at Tom Long’s Post, and that’s when it got really worrying, because rather than turning right towards Sapperton, I found myself turning left towards Stroud.
I went for a pint at the Golden Fleece and then popped in on Alan and his wife, Gia. They were lovely. So kind and supportive. Let me share Lily’s tea and told me I’d done the right thing, walking away from Sarah. They had no idea I was hiding from my own mother.
Lily refused to go to bed. She sat on my knee and drew mermaids. Since meeting Sarah, I’ve felt a strange breathlessness when I hang out with Lily, a pressing sadness mingled with the love and affection I feel for my best friend’s little girl. Sarah broke some kind of a seal in me, I think. After years of disregarding the idea, I began to be able to imagine myself with a child of my own. Lily drew an ink mermaid on my hand and I felt a deep trench open up inside me, like a fissure in the ocean floor.
I texted Mum and said something had come up with Alan and that I wasn’t going to make it tonight. I’ll be over in the morning, I promised. She wasn’t happy, but she took it. It’s not as if I make a habit of standing her up.
Relief, despair, when I finally unlocked my door. I love that barn more than I ever imagined loving bricks and mortar, but it’s also a grim reminder of the facts of my life. To the outsider, my barn says, The Good Life. Glasses of crisp Picpoul as the sun sets over the trees! Dinner made of foraged organic vegetables while the birds roost! Crystal-clear Cotswold water, pulled fresh from the earth!
They have no idea how trapped I am. Even if I told them what it’s like with Mum, they wouldn’t believe me.
Later on I gave the workshop a bit of a tidy and organized the whiteboard for tomorrow. I didn’t make dinner. When I walked into the kitchen, I was assaulted by memories of Sarah and me in that same space, cooking and talking and laughing, our minds galloping wildly into the future. And of course then I couldn’t face cooking alone, in silence. So I ate some Bombay mix and went to bed. Letting Sarah go was the right thing to do, I reminded myself, while I was brushing my teeth. I noticed I had a minor suntan.
Then I lay under my skylight, stars winching slowly across the sky, congratulating myself on my fortitude, my determination, my willpower. Well done, mate. It wasn’t easy but you had to do it.
Only, the longer I waited for sleep, the less I believed that.
For a while I got up and tried to watch television. Take my mind off things. But all I got was a news report about a terrible pile-up on the M25, multiple fatalities and severe injuries, and before I knew it, there was a voice in my head asking me how I would feel if Sarah died. (Really helpful.) What if you had a call to say she’d been in a motorway pile-up? it asked. Caught in a cartel shoot-out? Run over by a truck? Would you still feel like you’d done the right thing?
I turned off the telly and went back to bed, but the idea was there by then. Like a rusty hook in my consciousness. Pulling and dragging. If Sarah died, would you still think you’d done the right thing?
And that’s the problem, Alex, because – if I’m honest with myself – I would not. If Sarah died, I would regret it for the rest of my life.
I’ve lived well these last two decades. Fought my way out of grief and into life. But I’ve allowed Mum to be more important than me, all that time, because I’ve felt I had no choice. What decent human being wouldn’t look after his mother if she needed help? But something changed when I walked away from Sarah on the beach. Choosing Mum didn’t feel right. And it still doesn’t.
It’s 3.58 a.m. Am literally praying for sleep.
Me x
Chapter Forty-One
‘That man. He keeps staring at me.’
I look at Mum, pressed back into her seat, her neck thrust forward like a turtle. Then I look at the man, who’s vast, poor sod, absolutely enormous, spilling over three chairs and chain-drinking Diet Coke from a two-litre bottle. Above his head, a bluebottle bats at the window, again and again, like a child telling the same joke because it made someone laugh half an hour ago.
I watch the man for a while, but he doesn’t look at Mum. He’s reading an NHS leaflet entitled ‘Let’s Talk’.
‘He’s not staring at you,’ I whisper. ‘But we can go and sit over there if you’d prefer.’
I point at a row of green chairs, facing away from this perfectly innocent man, but I know she won’t go for it. At the end of the row, there’s a mother with her baby asleep in a buggy, and Mum can’t cope with children these days. Last month she locked herself in the toilet at her GP practice because a toddler was handing her Duplo bricks in the waiting room.
‘I think I’ll stay here,’ she says eventually. ‘Sorry, Eddie, I don’t want to make a fuss, but will you keep an eye on him?’
I nod, closing my eyes. It’s too warm in here. Nothing to do with the sunshine outside; it’s that flabby medical-waiting-room heat, fired by anxious breath and underused bodies.
‘Are you missing the beach?’ Mum says. She has on that tone she uses when she’s worried she’s annoyed me. Lighter than normal, full of over-inflection. ‘Santa Monica?’
‘Ha! No, not really. Did I tell you about it?’
She nods, her eyes skittering over to the Diet Coke man before returning to my face. ‘It sounded lovely,’ she adds, and I wonder what jet-lagged lie I told her about my day on that beach. I can’t stand lying to her. It’s hard not to take the view that life has betrayed my mother, so it feels extra sickening when I do the same. No matter that I do it for her own good.
Mum turns away and my thoughts return to the funeral procession I saw earlier, heading down past the green towards Frampton Mansell. The hearse had been full of wildflowers, bunches and sprays of them, toppling down over the sides of the wooden box as if on the banks of a stream. It was followed by three empty black cars. Must be a young person , I thought. The aged seldom had so many mourners. I wondered who they were off to collect. Which broken, desperate family was gathered in a house somewhere nearby, draining their coffees, adjusting their uncomfortable black clothes and wondering, over and over again, How can this be happening to us?
I’d glanced sideways at Mum as the procession passed, hoping it wouldn’t throw her off-balance.
I found her with an ugly expression on her face. ‘Looks like they’re heading for Frampton Mansell,’ she observed, sounding oddly pleased. Spiteful, even. ‘Let’s hope it’s that girl who’s died. Sarah.’ Then she looked at me, as if expecting me to agree.
I couldn’t say anything for several minutes. I just breathed through m
y mouth – a sort of Eddie Emergency Response that I remember well from the weeks following Alex’s death. I felt sick. Physically sick, a banding round my chest. I tried with every resource I had to bury what she’d just said, but I couldn’t.
No wonder Sarah moved to the other side of the world, I thought weakly. How could she ever have survived here?
The bluebottle at the window falls silent for a moment, and I think, now, about how strongly Sarah would approve of wildflowers on a coffin. She brought bunches of them into my house during our week together. Filled almost every mug I own. ‘Is there anything more beautiful?’ she asked, smiling down at them.
You, I thought. You’re the most beautiful thing that has ever come into this house.
Save for my mate Baz, who works for the Natural History Unit in Bristol, Sarah’s the first person I’ve met under sixty who knows much about wildlife. I remember her voice rising in excitement when I quizzed her on birds from that Collins Gem book. Nuthatch! Stonechat! Then her laughter, wonderfully dirty and full of life.
God, it hurts. It hurts in ways I never imagined.
I turn to look at Mum, to reinforce to myself that Sarah is the very last woman on earth with whom I could have a relationship. This is your mother , I tell myself. Your mother, a mental health services user for nearly two decades. A woman who can’t remember the textures of life, the rhythm of the world, because she’s become so isolated. She needs you.
Mum’s pretending to rest her head in her hands, as if dead tired, but she’s just watching the guy with the Diet Coke through splayed fingers.
‘Mum,’ I whisper. ‘It’s OK. ’
I’m not sure she even hears me.
When I went over to Alan’s the other night, he said I should join Tinder. I said OK, because that’s what he wanted me to say, and then had to go to the loo, as if to flush away, turd-like, the horror I felt. Tinder? Nobody warns you that life continues to be complicated after you’ve Done the Right Thing. That there is no reward, beyond some intangible sense of moral fortitude. I’ve been back eleven days now, and if anything, I feel worse than I did when I left Sarah standing on the beach.
