A second later, he steps out into the night.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
"Who was that?" Luca asks, as we ride the elevator up to the Penthouse.
I stare at my feet. "A friend."
"You sure about that?"
"Are you jealous?"
"Should I be?"
"Trust me. He's not coming back."
"I just find it odd that this friend happened to be in North Carolina."
I don't like his tone. Though it's deserved. "I told you, I go to college here. I know people here." I'm not lying. But, yes, really, I am.
"In Raleigh?"
"All over North Carolina." I glance up at him, but his face doesn't register that he knows what I'm talking about. Guess he doesn't remember me telling him this is where I go to school. "Do you know anything about me?"
He leans toward me, his lips nipping at the lobe of my ear. "I know what you look like when you come."
But I inch away, not feeling the usual rush of desire when he speaks to me like that, and tell him to go out without me.
When he comes back to the room a little earlier than usual, I pretend to be asleep.
The next morning Luca leaves to work out and I spend a good hour pacing around the suite. I can't stop thinking about Gage.
About how horrible I was to him.
And I can't even figure out why. I can list the reasons I left until I'm blue in the face, but not one of them makes it all right to be as cruel as I was.
The shield I've put up begins to crack. Or, maybe it's been cracked this entire time. Because as hard as I try, I can't keep my sad thoughts out. I can't erase my parents or forget that my brother died. I can't pretend I don't have crazy strong feelings for Gage.
God. The entire point of leaving was to be able to get away from everything I don't want to feel, and it's not working. Of course it isn't working. Running away from shit like this never works. I need to go home.
It's too late now, though. Gage's gone. I shoved him away. That door slammed shut, and I won't try to open it again. Liar, liar, my mind spins the words behind my eyes, but I shake my head to clear them.
But maybe there are other doors still cracked open. My parents. My friends.
The rest of my life.
Yes, it's time to go home. It's not like I haven't already been thinking about it, especially after discovering how low my funds are.
Why didn't I just tell Gage I'd go home with him last night? Stupid pride. Stupid heart.
Stupid Cassidy.
Why don't we ever realize the right step before the ground under our feet shifts too much to take it?
I don't want to make the same mistake again. I need to tell Luca I'm leaving the tour. And I need to do it right now, before I chicken out.
The concierge points me in the direction of the gym, but I find Luca before I find the workout room. I spot one of his bodyguards first, standing like a statue against the wall. Luca's back is to me and he's bending slightly down to get eye level with a girl, a preteen, I think, with frizzy curly hair and braces, who's staring at him with wide doe eyes and clutching her father's hand behind her.
"C-can I have a picture?" As timid as her question is, her voice carries easily down the hall.
"Sure!" Luca's voice is so warm, so kind. "Come here."
Her face splits into a smile so bright I can't help but smile, too. She turns around, shoving a camera at her dad, and Luca puts his arm around her. He glances down and squeezes her a little tighter into his side. "Don't cry—you don't want to look sad for the picture. People will think I was mean."
She giggles and wipes at her face. Her dad snaps the picture. And she flings herself at Luca so fast he almost loses his balance. "I love you, I love you, I love you!" The tears start pouring again—this time I can see them from the side view of her face.
Luca hugs her back. "I love you, too."
"You inspire me so much, Luca James!" The girl's breathing faster and faster; she's close to hyperventilating.
"That is so sweet, Celia. You just made my day." He hugs her again and tells her to enjoy the rest of her trip in Raleigh.
He turns then, seeing me, a huge smile across his own face. "Hey, Cassie."
"Hey, yourself."
He's in such a good mood, his smile doesn't dim the entire way back to the suite.
"You just made that girl's year," I say.
"God, there's no feeling like it," he says, dropping back on one of the couches and grabbing a video game remote. "Fans like that? Such a rush."
How can I tell him I'm leaving now?
Tomorrow, I decide. I'll tell him tomorrow.
"Come here, you." He reaches for me, pulling me onto the couch beside him. He leans over to nibble at my neck and I shoot straight back up. I can't let it happen; this much I know. I need to steer clear of the Luca James rabbit hole.
"I think I'm going to go shopping," I say, the lie sitting almost as heavily on my shoulders as the fact that I can't actually afford to shop.
"What do you need? I'll send Marx out."
I sidestep his second attempt to grab me. "I love this city. I want to go out."
"Want company?"
"No, stay, relax with your game." I wave him down when he starts to stand. "I'll see you tonight."
"Tonight? That's forever away," he complains, but he grabs the remote again, his eyes wandering back to his video game.
He's right, though. Tonight's forever away. The suite door closes behind me, and I almost go right back through it. I should tell him now. Just get it over with.
But…
If I'm honest with myself, I want one more night.
Not to sleep with him, or anything. That's another door that has to stay closed. But just one more night enjoying the fact that Luca James wants to be with me. Now that I know it's over, I think I'll enjoy it the most.
Though it's hard to enjoy anything the way my mind is spinning over Gage. The way my gut tells me it's the right choice to go home—but is filled with dread at the exact same time. The way the rhythm of my heart's been completely off ever since he walked away last night.
Needing a solid distraction, I head to an indie bookstore a couple blocks away and purchase a new thriller, losing myself in the pages for a few hours. Later, I stroll around outside, doing my best to ignore the heat, and call Vera to wish her a happy birthday.
"I'm so sorry I missed your birthday," I say. "Did you have fun?"
"Jared took me to a really nice restaurant," she says. "And when we got back to the apartment, the rest of BackBar was there to surprise me."
"That sounds awesome." I shut my eyes against the sudden vision of happy faces—Gage's, too. "I wish I'd been there. Sounds like things with Jared are going well?"
"He really got his shit together after you left," she says, a smile in her voice. "I didn't tell him about that roadie or anything, but I think he suspected something because all the sudden it was like this fog lifted from him and he was all about me again."
"That's great—I think?"
She laughs. "It is. He pretty much lives with me now."
"Oh." Okay. Time to adjust my plans, then.
She must hear something in my voice. "What's wrong?"
"I think I'm ready to quit the road." I do my best to keep my tone light, breezy.
"Why?"
"I know, I know, you think I'm crazy. But I need to get back to reality." The last sentence makes my stomach dip, but not as much as it would have even two days ago. Seeing Gage shifted something in me somewhere.
"When will you be back?" Vera asks. "Nobody's been in your room since you left, but I'll wash your sheets and get stuff ready. Just say the word."
Gratitude floods through me. And relief that she must not secretly hate me the way I've imagined after what Gage said. "Really?"
"Of course."
"Will Jared mind?"
"He still has his own place if it bothers him. Not that it will. Although, if you're coming in the nex
t few days, you'll be home alone. I'm going to the beach with Jared for the weekend. You still have your key?"
I do. And maybe it'll be best to get reacclimatized by myself first. "Does everyone at BackBar hate me?"
"No…" But there's a hesitation in her voice. "You kind of just dipped out. You're not really the favorite ex-employee, you know? Do you want your job back? I can try to talk to Jared if you want."
"No—don't worry about it." I'm going home to face reality. I'll fight my own battles. Make my own apologies. "I'll figure something out."
And I will. Figure it out. Everything.
After tonight.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Luca doesn't come back to our suite after the concert. So I go to him, instead. One last chance to party with Gold Rush Standard and I'm going to take it. Even if Polly hates me. She never has to see me again after tonight, so she can just deal with it.
I don't know exactly where the after-party suite is, but a quick stroll around the top floor makes it easy enough to find. All the noise. The smell of cigarettes. The bump of music vibrating under my feet. It's amazing I can't hear all this from my own suite. Or Luca's suite, really. Security knows me by now and lets me into the slam-packed room.
People are everywhere. Standing, sprawled on couches, everyone with fancy drinks in hand. The room is filled with spikes of laughter, calls for shots, cheers when two beautiful girls start making out with each other. And I mean, like, really going at it. Even I'm not unaffected by the performance. I have to drag my eyes away—only to find two other couples completely getting it on, one in a corner, the other wrapped around each other in a small chair. Music thrums through the air, pulsating in my veins.
I can't find Luca anywhere. I spot one of his bodyguards in a corner, but he's by himself. I weave through people. Girls with very little on their bodies. Guys with sharp expressions and overly gelled hair. It's exactly like the scene from the party in Nashville. Except this time, I'm not letting anyone scare me away. The entire suite buzzes with a jittery sort of excitement. I want to get caught up in it, just for this one last night.
Maybe Luca's in one of the suite's multiple bedrooms; there are several throughout the space with closed doors, though I've seen a few people come and go, on and off. I don't think I have the guts enough to knock on any of them, though. What if I walk in on other people getting it on?
Norris is sitting on a stool along an island in the kitchen, talking with Steve and Jeremiah—the mohawked keyboardist whose name I finally remembered—and a few other people. We catch eyes, and I give a tentative wave. He motions me over, stepping away from the rest of the group.
"Cassie," he says, his voice raised a bit over the rest of the noise. "I've been looking for you the past few weeks. Luca's been so selfish with your time."
A faint glow of pleasure spreads through me that he noticed. That he wanted me around. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed away because of Polly. Though I don't regret getting to explore all the cities I have, maybe I've been missing fun with everyone else. "I should've come around more."
"Yeah, you should—how else are we supposed to get to know you?"
I'm starting to see why Teagan was so happy after hanging out with him.
"Yeah, maybe," I say noncommittally. I can't tell him I'm leaving before I tell Luca. "Have you talked to Teagan recently?"
"No, but have you?" There's something pointed about his question.
"A little, here and there."
"That girl…" He shakes his head. "She promised me she'd talk to you."
Well now, this is intriguing. "About what?"
"It's not my place to say too much, but you should really have a heart-to-heart with your friend."
"Is she okay?" The pleasure I felt a moment ago is turning to the sting of guilt. What does he know about Teagan that I don't?
"She's a special child," he says. "I don't think many people see it."
"I know she's special!" I also know she'd hate being called a child, but this is Norris Marshal I'm speaking to. Even if he's less than five years older than I am, I'm not sure I'm comfortable enough to correct him.
"She has gates up a mile high, sugar. Have you tried hard enough to push through?" He has no problem rebuking me, however.
"What did she say?" I ask. "Was it about me, specifically?" I have to know. Guilt is growing heavier. She did tell me she has things to work through… God, why didn't I talk to her more about it?
"Not about you, specifically," Norris says. "Not about anybody. I just think she could use the strength of her friends a little more."
Whatever's been going on with her, she felt comfortable talking about it with Norris. And not with me.
He must see my face fall because he smiles, kindly, and squeezes my arm. "Don't beat yourself up."
"She's the first person I'm going to see when I get home."
"Ah, so you're leaving us, then?"
Oops. "I haven't told Luca yet, so—"
"My lips are sealed."
"Thank you." I study his face, seeing nothing but gentleness there. I regret not taking the time to know him more. "And thank you for speaking up for Teagan… I wondered, actually, what did you say to her before the concert that second night in Virginia? I haven't seen her happier in ages."
"Nothing much," he replies with a shrug, but his warm brown eyes are twinkling. "Just the truth. That the entire world is at her fingertips if she'll only reach out to take it."
"Well, it's possible I fell in love with you a little bit right here," I say.
He grins. "You're sweet, but you'll have to take that one up with Tisha. And I'm not in the market for a black eye from Luca."
I giggle, because I can't picture anyone wanting to give Norris a black eye, but a second later I'm struck in the shoulder, hard, and my laughter falls away. Polly. Shoving past me. "Excuse me," she says, nastily.
"Down girl," Norris warns her.
"Hey," I say, trying to smile, ignoring the smarting in my shoulder and the annoyed expression across her face. I'm only here one more night. Might as well try to make peace. "Glad you found the bottle of wine from your dad."
"What?"
"The wine… From the other night?"
Her brows lock in a puzzled expression, and then widen. "Oh. Right. Great. Whatever." She wipes her nose, turning from me and heading into one of the rooms with the door shut.
I follow her. Norris calls after me, but I don't turn around. Something in my gut tells me if I go after her, I'll find Luca.
Something in my gut tells me I might not like what she'll lead me to.
I catch the door before it's shut completely and walk in, almost tripping over Polly, who's taken a seat right beside the doorway.
And Luca.
Oh, Luca.
He's sitting on the edge of a bed, with a brunette in his lap. The same brunette who looked like she wanted to eat him up a few weeks ago in Nashville. There are other people, too, but I barely register them. Has the girl in his lap been traveling with the tour the whole time? "Uh…"
He shoves the brunette off so fast, she almost falls. "Hey, babe. What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same question." There's a flicker of hurt somewhere in my chest, but it's small enough to smother. A part of me isn't surprised at all.
A redheaded guy to the side of me sniffles and smirks my way. And Luca's eyes are wide, panicked. But I keep my cool. So what there was a girl straddling his lap a moment ago? I mean, okay, I care. But I'm leaving, so whatever. I'll play it cool. I can do this. I want one more night and I'm still taking it. I'm not going home without at least one good after-party story to hang onto.
"What do you want?" Polly's scowling at me.
"Chill, Polly." Luca glares in her direction. "Come in, babe."
There's only one free seat. A chair with a white binder on it. Striding with confidence I don't feel, I slide the binder to the ground and take a seat.
"Cassie, what the fuck!" Luca's on h
is feet, rushing toward me, stopping just short of where I sit. "Don't move."
I'm so shocked I don't think I could move if I tried.
Everyone's staring at me, horrified. I glance from face to face. "What?"
And there's a mad dash, suddenly, of people at my feet, scooping their hands across the carpet.
"You just threw an entire eight ball of blow on a white carpet," Polly snarls, on her hands and knees.
It takes a moment to understand what she's saying. The binder. My gaze shifts to the binder on the floor. The white binder.
The girl who was on Luca's lap is raking her nails over the fabric at my feet and rubbing her finger over her teeth.
It's almost like watching a movie, if disjointed and through a kaleidoscope. I shake my head to make sense of it, but then I wish I hadn't.
Blow.
Cocaine.
Luca's been in here, with a girl on his lap, doing lines of fucking cocaine. Lines I didn't notice because they blended into color of the binder—and because I wasn't looking for them—that I've just dumped all over the floor.
"Oh my God. You asshole." I shove him as hard as I can and step clumsily over the people around my feet, racing for the door.
I push my way through the crowded main room and make it all the way out to the hall past security and halfway back to Luca's suite before he catches up to me, grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face him. "Slow down, Cassie."
"That girl, Luca? Really? Is this… Is this what you've been doing while I just wait for you every night in your hotel room?" My chest is tight. Fury burns with blue-tipped fire in my veins.
He has the decency to flush, at least. But he ruins it with, "It's not that big of a deal."
"It is to me."
"How does it even affect you? You're not around to see it. Wait a second—you didn't think you were my girlfriend, did you?"
"I don't give a shit about that other girl." It's not even a lie, not anymore, not now. "My brother died of a drug overdose, you complete prick."
This brings him up short. "I didn't know that."
"Yeah. Well. Now you do."
"It's not like I have a problem, Cassie. I'm sorry about your brother, but not everybody overdoses."
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