by Jay Key
The crowd applauded. Vernglet smiled.
“This gives me much hope. But as my good friend, Vernglet Wip, has reminded me—the hard work still lies ahead.”
Her tone turned from hopeful to reflective. “I could never even attempt to thank and honor those that sacrificed their lives and health for our cause. However, I do want to mention the names of those that accompanied us and did not make it back to enjoy this moment. I want to be very clear—we would not have survived without their efforts. The noble Ty’n of the Southern Forests held off voracious swamp cannibals so that we could make it through to the North. The honorable Te’o fell victim to an unexpected traitor, whilst doing his job, providing us a lookout as we traversed the hostile lands leading to Sansagon. And the courageous Ma’n. He challenged an entire squad of soldiers, as well as Gar himself, to save a child. Please honor them and all others by doing your best to make Neprius a better place. A place that they died for.”
Organically the crowd raised their glasses as silence overcame the entire plaza.
“Thank you,” Ja’a continued. “And to those that did make it back. The great warrior, Bu’r of Shud’nut!”
Cheers erupted.
“His mace and passions carried us through many perils. You all know Po’l—his bravery is unrivaled.”
More cheers.
“He escaped death’s grasp on countless occasions.”
Duke rolled his eyes.
“He provided our band with a warrior’s spirit. I hope that he will accept my offer to continue the legacy of his uncle Mo’a and lead our army—though I hope that we never need to use it.”
Po’l received pats on the back and handshakes from all of the attendees around him.
“And, lastly, to our new friends from the stars. The silent Ishiro’shea—I’ve never seen a fiercer soldier. His lack of words is made up for by his actions, which speak volumes of his character.”
Duke put his arm around the neck of his ninja companion, “Attaboy! I never knew I worked with a real life hero.”
Ishiro’shea returned the snarky comment with an elbow to the bounty hunter’s ribcage.
“And to Duke LaGrange. Adventurer. Trailblazer. Poet. A true man of the universe.”
Duke tipped his hat. Ja’a, the new leader of Neprius, returned a smile.
“Enjoy tonight,” she concluded. “Tomorrow, we welcome a new Neprius.”
The loudest cheers of the evening filled the seaside air as Ja’a left the platform and returned to the party.
“Ishiro, we did good. I think.”
Ishiro’shea responded with a thumbs-up. Like a flash of light, reminiscent of the ninja himself, a smallish figure affixed to Ishiro’s left leg.
“Ishiro!” shouted Uu’k, not releasing the hug. “Before you leave, can you teach me some more sword fighting? Today was fun!”
Ishiro’shea knelt down and examined the wooden training sword he had given her earlier in the day. He gave her a thumbs-up.
“Thanks! See you in a bit! And thanks to you too, Uncle Duke.”
The child spy sprinted off into the crowd and disappeared.
“Uncle Duke. Finally.”
Ishiro’shea took his turn and extended his arm around Duke’s neck.
“Okay, okay! But don’t teach her all of your tricks—she’s pretty salty. For a filthy street urchin.”
Uu’k scrunched her nose at Duke, then smiled. Ishiro’shea nodded and followed the child spy’s path to the perimeter of the party.
Duke examined the wine in his glass against the moonlight. He slurped down the last remnant.
“Need a refill?”
The voice was beautiful. It sounded the same as when he heard it blindfolded in a cave south of Dre’en.
“Your highness.”
“No need for that, Duke.”
“Thanks for the mention in the speech.”
“You know, I didn’t always know where you stood.”
“Join the club.”
“But I always knew where I wanted you to stand.”
“I don’t follow.”
“I could tell—even during those early attempts at flattery—that you had a heart.”
“It’s what keeps me alive.”
“No, our cause. Our group. Me. We—I needed someone with passion to fuel our cause. We needed a heart.”
“I wasn’t so sure after Shud’nut.”
“I wasn’t either, if I’m honest. And you challenging that was a good thing.”
“You sure didn’t act like it.”
“You can be an ass. I’m still not entirely over you leaving us in the swamp solely to scratch the itch of curiosity.”
“Fair point. But, you have to admit, Toby did prove to be a useful ally.”
“But don’t miss my meaning, Duke LaGrange, I’m very appreciative of everything that you have done. Whether it was for the cause, or to get back your ship. It doesn’t matter. We couldn’t have accomplished what we did without you.”
“Thank you.”
“One more thing before you leave our ‘primitive, two-bit world’ as I believe you called it.”
“Something like that,” Duke said, blushing.
“Do you remember that night on the hill?”
“I do.”
“You told me about—how did you put it? Pesky carnal needs?”
“I did? I mean , yes, I did.”
Ja’a grabbed Duke’s hand and led him to the Deus Ex Machina.
For the next forty-eight minutes, the Nova Texan experienced a different side of Neprian culture and, specifically, a different side of this gorgeous and giving Neprian female.
It was a side that he very much liked.
He was pretty confident that he had the best time at the party of anyone there.
The rat-a-tat-tat knock on the exterior of the Deus woke up both Ja’a and Duke. They looked at each other and exchanged smiles.
“About last night—” started Duke.
“Duke, you don’t have to say anything or expect anything. It was what it—”
“I was just going to ask how I did?” he interrupted.
Ja’a grinned as she turned her head away. He heard a discreet laugh from the attractive Neprian.
“I’ll take your silence to indicate a job well done.”
“Duke,” Ja’a began, “I have to admit—it was like nothing else that I’ve experienced.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
“I won’t challenge you on your prowess in that department, but I’m truly sorry if I led you on or took advantage of you. The long journey, you being thrown into my life and my cause, the emotions, and everything else just bubbled up and it seemed like the right thing to do. And it was everything that I needed—passion, escape, connection, pleasure. I hope it was enjoyable for you as well.”
“Wait a second. You used me?”
“Duke! No, no. That’s not what I meant.”
“Sure sounds like it,” Duke retorted.
Ja’a struggled to find her words.
“I’m yankin’ your chain.”
Ja’a responded with a blank stare.
“Oh, right. It means I’m just messing with you. In fact, I appreciate anyone that can take advantage of Duke LaGrange. If anything, I’m impressed.”
“That’s not what I did. I acted on impulse—but I find you very—”
“Ja’a,” Duke said, cutting her off. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I’m a big boy. And it was enjoyable for me. A moment that I won’t forget.”
His tenderness seemed to catch Ja’a off guard.
“You know my place is here,” she said.
“I do. I’ve never doubted that. And you know my place is—”
“Out there,” Ja’a said, finishing his thought. “But I do want to give you something.”
She removed her necklace and handed it to Duke.
“No way. That’s a gift from your father. I couldn’t.”
“You helped me realiz
e my father’s dream. And this could help you get home.”
“I’m sure there’s enough mustangsen here on the Deus. I mean it’s made of mustangsen.”
“It would make me feel better. I want to give you every opportunity to get back to your part of the universe.”
“It’s an honor.” He draped the necklace around his neck—it was a little snug but it didn’t choke him.
The pounding noise increased in volume and frequency.
“Okay, Ishiro! We’re coming.”
Duke and Ja’a descended to the entrance closest to the incessant knocking. The door opened.
“Oh, it’s you Po’l,” said Duke, somewhat surprised and unsure of the impending reaction.
“Duke,” he began. “Good morning.”
“Good morning to you,” Duke responded tepidly.
“Ja’a, I had a feeling that I would find you here. I need to tell you something.”
“Do we need to go somewhere private?”
“No need. I wanted to tell you that I’m not going to take you up on your offer.”
“What?” Ja’a asked. “But this is your chance to become our general. It’s been your dream.”
“It was. I’ve learned a lot. My eyes have been opened to all that I don’t know. I’ve been a fool.” He faced Duke. “Not everything that I’ve done was foolish—but more than I care to admit. I still have my doubts about you, LaGrange—but not about you being a traitor or a liar. Just about you being anything other than a giant ass.”
Duke grinned.
“Not the first time that I’ve been called that in—well, since last night.”
Po’l looked confused but continued. “Ja’a, I’m honored to have received your trust but my path is much different than yours. You have been my greatest friend and I know that you will bring peace to our planet.”
Ja’a stepped towards Po’l and kissed him on the lips. His eyes widened. She pulled him close and embraced him as a brother. “I love you, Po’l. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
“I will.”
Duke heard a child’s voice in the distance. Ishiro’shea and Uu’k approached. Ishiro’shea had his katana drawn; Uu’k did not have her wooden training sword—instead, she had a simple but very much real dagger. They parried back and forth as they shuffled towards Duke, Ja’a, and Po’l.
“It looks like you’re taking to this naturally,” Ja’a said to Uu’k in a maternal tone. “Maybe you will be a general one day.”
“Ishiro’shea’s the best teacher ever!”
“Already migrated to an actual blade?” asked Duke.
Ishiro’shea gave a thumbs-up to Duke as he continued to fend off Uu’k’s swipes and swings. She stopped and withdrew her dagger. She gave Ishiro’shea an elongated embrace.
“Thank you, Ishiro’shea. Good luck getting back home. And come visit again.”
Ishiro’shea returned the embrace.
“I guess it’s that time,” Duke said, regretting the cloud of sadness his statement cast over the gathering. “Time for us to hit the road and for you to rebuild your planet.”
“I almost forgot,” Ja’a said. She rummaged inside a beat-up leather satchel. She removed a bright purple glass Orb.
“Ja’a! Why? How? What?” Po’l stammered and struggled to pick which question to ask first.
“Po’l, it’s okay,” she said reassuringly. “The Keeper, Fazeek, Duke, and I made the decision. The Orb needs to leave our planet for us to have a chance to rebuild without the worry of its corruption—but we don’t want people thinking that it has escaped. Both of the ancients have decided to go along with the ruse. In fact, it was Fazeek’s idea.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he trusts Toby,” Duke added. “Can’t blame him.”
“Also, it will give Duke and Ishiro’shea a better chance to get home. If it deposits them somewhere other than their home, then they can always try again until it gets it right.”
“And we have a place in mind that it will be safe.”
Chapter 39
Cyborg Joe's, Revisited
“MR. LAGRANGE, CAN I GET you another Glyptodian Summer Ale?”
“No thanks, Earl. I’m more in the mood for—”
“Whisky?” asked Queen Joe.
“How’d you know?”
“Lucky guess. That was quite the tale. Who would have thought that damn red blob would have led you to such an adventure?”
“I have a feeling that you did.”
Queen Joe sunk below the bar and appeared with a dusty bottle of Earth whisky. She did not respond to Duke’s comment. She placed five glasses on the bar top and slid them along, the first four stopping in front of the desired patron at even intervals. The fifth remained in her hand.
“To adventures,” said the Queen, “and restored mojo.”
“Definitely to restored mojo,” added the bounty hunter.
Duke clinked his glass with Ishiro’shea’s. The ninja sucked up the shot in a flash. Duke swivelled in his chair, facing the patron to his right.
“And to Po’l,” proclaimed Duke.
The Neprian nodded and drank the whisky.
“So what’s mojo? And what’s this drink?” asked the Neprian.
“Your new friend has a lot to learn,” added Joe.
“What better place than at Cyborg Joe’s?” exclaimed Duke.
“Very true. And I think Lilly is eager to help. She seems to like him.”
Duke looked along the bar. The anthropomorphic musk ox from one of the moons of Gartosh was batting her eyelashes at the rebel. The Neprian responded with an expression of fear and horror.
“Hey Lilly,” said Duke, “Good to see you again.”
“Thanks for the whisky,” she replied.
Duke raised his glass and downed the brown liquid. He turned back to Queen Joe. “What’s been going on since we left? How’d everything shake out with Sprinkles?”
“I haven’t heard from the Robots in a while,” she replied. “I think they were arrested on Jungafallow IV. But we just repaired the ceiling last week. So—let’s keep Betsy quiet, please.”
“Sounds good.”
“Oh—someone was asking about you the other day.”
“Who?”
“Prince Korzo-Tapor.”
“That guy? He tried to kill me, you know. All because of the Robots.”
“Are you sure?”
“What else could he have been pissed at?”
“You are Duke LaGrange, remember.”
“True.”
“But he was asking a lot of questions. Earl was pretty coy, but the prince did press.”
“What did he do?”
“He ended up using a portal. Probably to gamble.”
“Ah.”
“But—”
“But what, Queen?”
“Soon after, someone that you know very well also used the same portal. Mazilda Cloax.”
Duke was silent. His face lost emotion. He extended his glass to Queen Joe and she refilled it without hesitation. He sucked the whisky down aggressively.
“I’m done with portals.”
“Probably a wise move,” said Queen Joe. She returned the now much lighter bottle of whisky to a cabinet below the bar top. A faint purple glow rose from behind the bar. Her eyes met Duke’s. “Don’t worry, it will be safe.”
“Who’s Mazilda Cloax?” asked Po’l.
“You know how I’m the renowned bounty hunter?”
“So you say.”
“She’s better.”
“She? Is she the one—”
“Another time, another place, my friend,” Duke said, cutting off Po’l. “Now we have to teach you how to survive Cyborg Joe’s Grill N’ Go & the Why Not Saloon. If you can make it here a night without being killed, you’ll be just fine out in the universe.”
Duke pointed at the MechaBurger 8000 sitting before the Neprian. “Lesson one. Don’t eat that.”
“Why not?”
“Trust me
. Earl, are you trying to kill him?”
“I’m sorry, but he ordered it.”
The Glyptodian barkeep removed the plate as Po’l took another sip of his Erontian saké.
Duke picked up the menu and ordered two soufflés.
A booming thud rattled Po’l, causing the Neprian to spring to his feet.
Duke laughed. He looked down.
Ishiro’shea was out cold on the barroom floor.
“Lesson two. How to pick up women with a drunk space ninja.”
THE END
THANK YOU
I hope that you enjoyed How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja. If so, I’d love for you to join my newsletter at DukeLaGrange.com.
Don’t forget that the adventures of Duke and Ishiro’shea continue in Book II…
How to Win at Pit Fighting with a Drunk Space Ninja!
Available in Print and E-Book.
About the Author
©JAY KEY 2018
JAY KEY knew at a young age that he wanted to be the world's first professional wrestler turned fraternity president turned digital media executive turned Society of Vertebrate Paleontology-approved blog writer turned science-fiction comedy author. At various points, Key called Dallas, San Francisco, and Los Angeles home—but it wasn’t until a move to Chicago that writing professionally became a reality. Authoring a serialized version of The Adventures of Duke LaGrange and a popular blog on the paleobiological accuracy of dinosaurs in pop culture, Key used that momentum to complete How to to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja in 2017. It debuted with Star Wheel Books in 2018.
Jay now lives in a suburb of Dallas-Fort Worth with his wife, Shelley, their daughter, Finley, and their French bulldog, Olive.
