by C. A. Harms
“Since right before Christmas. I didn’t want to worry you, so I just pushed it aside. Pretended that the tumor didn’t exist. I just drowned out the pain of it all. The side effects were easy enough to pass off as being drunk. I figured you were better off,” she whispered.
My anger was no longer controllable. “Better off, huh?” My outburst made her jump in surprise. “That is the most selfish excuse I’ve ever heard. What I deserved was to know, damn it. I should have been able to prepare for this.” My father stood and placed his hand on my arm, attempting to calm me. I brushed it away and locked my stare with my mother’s.
“I should have been able to spend time with my mother without her falling over drunk. Now when I think back on our last moments together, all I’ll have are trips to the fucking jail to pick up your wasted ass…or wait, we can’t forget the trip to the ER to stitch up your head.” I threw my hands up in frustration. “This is all total bullshit and you know it. You weren’t thinking of me, you never have. Because if I ever mattered to you, I would not have raised you for the last twenty years of my life. I should have had my mother. I deserved a mother. You took that from me. You took it all from me. I’ll never forgive you for that.” I fell to the floor as my legs gave out. “You took it all from me.”
Strong arms circled me from behind and lifted me from the floor. My father. I still struggled to wrap my head around the fact that he was now present in my life, that he now held me close. Soothingly he rubbed my back as he rocked me from side to side.
My mother was going to die. There was nothing I could do to change that. She was withering away and no one could stop it.
She felt it was easier to drink away what life she had left, hoping I would just think the alcohol was making her sick.
How is it possible to love someone so much but hate them at the same time?
***
“You okay?” Avery asked as she took the seat across from me.
I called her the moment we left the clinic. I needed her. For once I needed someone to hold me afloat. I was sinking fast, and I couldn’t hold on to the last sliver of hope.
I shook my head. “No, I’m so far from being okay right now,” I replied. “How could she hide this from me? What made her think that me not knowing was for the best?”
I looked up and met the stare of my best friend. “She should have been here right after they found the tumor. She spent the last seven months knowing that she had this. She ignored everything they told her and just went on like she hadn’t just heard she had a terminal illness.” I took in a deep breath, reining in my emotions before they took over once more. “How could she ignore this?”
Unshed tears clouded my vision, and I fought them off the best I could. “I’m okay,” I tried to reassure her, hearing the doubt in my own voice.
“Don’t do that. Don’t pretend you aren’t falling apart on the inside. Quinn, you have to let all this out or one day you’re going to combust.” Avery rubbed her hand up and down my arm. “She obviously couldn’t accept it. She ran from the reality of what could happen. Denial of the inevitable. ”
“My mom...” I paused because the entire realization of what I was about to say set in deep, bringing back the need to cry. “She’s gonna die. She hid it from me that she had something that was killing her. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, right? She’s hidden everything else over the years.”
Avery sat quietly and listened while I let out my pain.
“I have this hate in me, disgust for all the things she’s done over the years.” Our gazes locked, yet she still sat staring back without speaking a word. “I was a kid. I should have been able to be a kid. Instead I spent my life picking my mother up off the floor or dragging her out of the nearest bar.” I shook my head and rubbed at my tired eyes.
“I want to run and leave it all behind me. Maybe if I run far enough, I can find a way to forget it all.” I was speaking out of anger. It was becoming too much. I twisted my hands in my lap, shredding the Kleenex I held. “But I can’t walk away. I can’t leave her alone to suffer. She was never mean or aggressive. She was just a drunk, a happy drunk. A pitiful excuse for a mother. She was never there when I needed her to be. If she was home, she was passed out.
“Do you know I could probably count the number of times on one hand that she did something motherly in my entire lifetime?” I took in a deep, shuddering breath. “Even with all this anger in me for what she’s done, I can’t let her die alone. I have to find a way to let it go. It’s so hard. I don’t want to live with the fact that I wasted what little time we had full of angry bitterness.”
“What can I do?” Avery finally asked.
“There’s not a thing that anyone can do,” I replied. “It’s something I have to do on my own. Something she and I need to move forward from. Thanks for offering, though. Thank you for listening.”
She leaned in and hugged me close. Pulling back, she wiped away the tear that ran down my cheek. “Anytime. I’m here for you, always. You should know by now you can’t get rid of me.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Jett
Concentrating on what needed to be done was impossible. I know Quinn needed time, but it was hell waiting.
This last week had been one of longest I ever had. Things were tense here. Callie was still shooting daggers my way. Jude was looking at me like I was the spawn of Satan. Kade, on the other hand, still found the humor in the entire situation. He made it a point to enjoy my misery daily.
I sat in my office staring down at the picture on my phone. Quinn’s gorgeous brown eyes stared back at me, making the ache in my chest bigger. I had given up calling her to allow her the time she needed. The stale silence around me gave me the opportunity to fall deeper into the pits of my own hell. A hell I had been responsible for, yet still hadn’t figured out how to fix.
The knock on the half-opened door startled me. Red sandals peeking just around the corner brought forth an extreme rush of excitement. It was instantly smothered when my eyes locked on Avery’s, Quinn’s best friend. I tried to keep the disappointed look off my face, only to fail.
“Gee, Jett.” She laughed. “That look of disappointment could really give a girl a complex.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled as I sat back down in my chair, feeling defeated once again. “I was thinking maybe—” I had no idea what more to say.
“I know what you were thinking. I’m not who you were hoping for, but I’m here because of Quinn.” At the mention of her name, my heart raced and then soared. I missed her uncontrollably. I had become reliant on seeing her, kissing her, feeling her in my arms. Not being able to hold her whenever I wanted to was crippling.
“She’s going through a lot right now,” Avery stated. My gaze met hers, silently pleading for her to give me more. “It’s well beyond you and her. Things have really spiraled out of control, and she’s not in a good place. She’s angry, heartbroken, and it’s not just about you two.”
Avery sat in the chair across from me. “I know she loves you, misses you, but right now she has a lot going on in her head. She got some pretty heavy news recently that kind of pushed her over the edge.”
“What’s going on?” I asked. “I’m dying here, Avery. I know I hurt her, I know I screwed up, but I wanna fix it,” I pleaded. I just wanted the chance to make things right.
“You didn’t hear this from me,” she said. She took in a deep breath before continuing. “She’s been in Naples with her parents. Things aren’t good with her mom, health wise. She’ll be back home tomorrow, but they’ll be staying at her dad’s place. They’re selling the house and moving there permanently.”
A sense of panic shooting through me, I pushed for more. “What can I do?”
“There isn’t anything anyone can do besides be there when she needs us. Jett, she will need us, both of us. You may think she’s walked away from you and that you’re not on her mind, but that is so far from the truth. Right now she’s just confused and hurting for so many different reaso
ns. But she will need you.”
I nodded, watching as she stood and grabbed her purse. “When she falls, and she will fall, we have to be ready to pick her back up.”
I stared at Avery’s back as she walked out, leaving me feeling emptier than I had when she entered. Quinn was hurting, and every ounce of my being wanted to find her and tell her that I loved her. I wanted to hold her and assure her that everything would be all right. Instead, I was forced to wait it out and hope she came to me soon.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Quinn
“How are you feeling, Mom?” I asked as I adjusted her pillow behind her head. I pulled the cover up a little higher and tucked it around her.
Her eyes squinted against the light. She was so drained. The side of her mouth lifted in an attempt to smile back at me. “I’m good, Quinny,” she whispered in return.
My mother had finally decided it was time to seek help. The problem was that seven months ago when the doctor told her she had a brain tumor, things were already looking bleak. The seven months it took her to accept her fate only led to her demise.
Inoperable. Just one word with so much meaning. One word that would forever rock my world.
And two more: Pain management, which is all they could now offer her.
At the time they diagnosed her, they had given her two years with treatment. With treatment being key. Untreated she was already knocking on heaven’s door, and there was nothing anyone could do to save her.
The diagnosis was glioblastoma, a malignant tumor on her brain stem. She was right, the side effects were easy to pass off as a drunken stupor. She’d had dizziness, forgetfulness, headaches, confusion, and all-out loss of balance all throughout the years she’d been heavily drinking. They were nothing but normal behavior in my eyes—the way my mother had always been. She knew it would be so easy to continue without any questioning from me.
It ate away at me every time I looked into her eyes. When the doctor had shared the symptoms with us one by one, each word felt like a stabbing pain in my stomach. Leaving the treatment center knowing that the days I had remaining with my mother were numbered left me numb. In my entire life I could count the number of times we’d had those special mother-daughter moments on one hand. Even then I had to think really hard to remember them. Most of my memories consisted of anger and hatred toward her for acting like there was nothing worth staying sober for, not even me.
My father’s boots thumped against the hardwood floor as he walked across his kitchen floor. We decided it was best to move in with him because I could no longer keep up with the bills and house payment. My father was fortunate enough to have money set aside from the death of both my grandparents. The house he also inherited was fully paid for and clearly his. Brandy had her own family and they were settled, so she had no need for this place. She felt my father needed it all more than she did.
I felt spending time with my mother was the most important thing right now. It was impossible to do so and work the hours I had before. I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave her side, not now.
I needed the support of my father, the man I barely knew but in a short time had grown to rely on. I needed his help to get through this. He vowed that he would take care of us, and I believed him. So I let my guard down and accepted his offer.
I missed Jett so deeply, but I knew I had little to offer him at this time. My mind wasn’t where it needed to be to face him. Right now I was fully invested in the woman who had given me life. I wanted some of those lasting memories. I wanted to drown out all the pain we’d had and fill it with as much goodness as we could create.
***
“She doesn’t think I remember those days, but I do.” My mother’s voice was a soft whisper, raspy and full of fatigue.
I slowly approached the stairway and sat down on the first step. Being as quiet as possible, I listened to my parents as their words flowed to the bottom of the stairs.
“We never talked about when she was a baby, but I remember her chubby little cheeks, her sweet giggles. I remember her innocent little smile. Those big brown eyes full of joy with the smallest of things.” Tears filled my eyes as my mother continued. “Beau, I remember sitting in the doorway of her room for hours after she had fallen asleep. I would close my eyes and listen to her little breaths. It would calm the ache inside me, but it never lasted. I was weak. It became too easy to drink the pain away. It helped, even for a short time, to allow myself to become numb.”
“You shouldn’t have been alone,” he told her.
“I should have been better. I should have given her all I could. She deserved better.” The pain was evident in her voice, and it made the tightness in my throat hard to bear.
“My wrongs didn’t stop there. I just kept screwing up, then I would drink away the ache from that screw-up as well.” She never cried, but I could hear the self-loathing in her voice. “She was the adult, the one who took care of me. I forced her to grow up while I continued to act like an out-of-control teenager.”
“You can’t keep beating yourself up over all your wrongdoings. It’s time to let go of the heartache you two have held for so long.” My father was doing his best to soothe her.
“Yeah, when we’re almost out of time that becomes clear. I was such a fool to not treasure the time I had with her.”
The silence set in, and I felt as if my throat was on fire. I fought back the tears and slowly stood from the stairs. The events of the last week were hitting me heavily.
***
I sat in my car, staring at his front door. My nerves were through the roof at the thought of knocking. I was terrified I had pushed him away past the point of no return. Jett and Callie blew my phone up over the last week, both explaining the events that led to me walking away. I knew nothing happened, but I was still hurt by his words, his mistrust in me.
Now I fought against my desire to run once more. I had no idea what to say, how to handle the situation, but when I walked out of my father’s house, this was the first place I thought of coming. Jett’s strong arms felt like home, and right now I needed that security.
I took in a deep breath and crawled from my car, then walked to his front door. Before I could think twice about it, I knocked lightly.
Time ticked by in slow motion as I heard the chain slide on the other side. I was focusing on the ground, so his bare feet came into view first, and my heart raced at the sight of them.
“Quinn,” his groggy voice whispered.
My throat swelled, only making swallowing more difficult. I looked up, meeting his surprised expression. His hair was sticking up and tousled from sleep. He wore a pair of sweats, hanging low on his hips. That tattoo I loved so much snaked up from beneath, winding around from the side. I ached to reach out and trail my fingers along it. I missed touching him, feeling him close. I ached with need to be in his arms, and standing before him only made that ache stronger.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
“Y-yeah.” He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Come in.” He stepped aside, allowing me to step past him, the door clicked shut behind me and I closed my eyes tightly, willing the tears to hold off. The feel of him skimming his fingers along my arm was all it took for me to cave.
I turned quickly and buried my face against his chest, seeking a place of safety, the one place I could always rely on to make everything else around me fade away, even if it was just for a short time. Jett wrapped his arms around me from behind and pulled me in tighter against him. I breathed in the scent that until now I had no idea how much I’d missed.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jett
Avery’s words came back to me as I held Quinn tightly. When she falls, and she will fall, we have to be ready to pick her back up. Whatever she needed from me, she had it, no questions.
I led her to the couch and helped her sit before taking a seat beside her. I then reached out and took her into my arms once more. The sounds of her sobs tore at me. I hated the thought
of her hurting so much.
“I’m sorry,” she said. With her head buried against my chest, her words were muffled.
“Nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything, babe,” I assured her, still holding her close.
She pushed back and looked up at me, her eyes red and swollen. I hated seeing her hurting. I wanted to fix what was causing her pain, yet there was nothing I could do.
“I shouldn’t have ignored you. Everything just fell apart so fast, I couldn’t keep up.” Her hair stuck to her cheek from the tears. Allowing my thumb to guide it away, I tucked it behind her ear. The pain in her eyes gutted me. It made me feel useless. I didn’t want to push her for information, so I waited for her to willingly share it.
She toyed with my fingers as they lay joined with hers on her lap. I tucked my arm behind her, over the back of the couch, and I lightly combed through the ends of her hair.
“She’s dying.” Her lip trembled as she whispered the words. “My mom.” I sat in silence, allowing the knowledge to settle within me. “I don’t know if she has two days or two weeks. I just know that each day from this point on is one day closer to the end.”
A lone tear slowly trailing down her cheek caught my attention. I leaned in and kissed her cheek softly, feeling the wetness with my lips. Resting my forehead against her temple, I pulled her in a little closer.
“I want her to meet you,” she said. “I want her to get the chance to know the man who holds me together. The man who has given my heart something to hold on to.”
I nodded. A boulder lodged in my throat held off my words. I had spent the last week feeling as if I’d lost her. Now she was giving me hope that I had the chance to fix our relationship.
“I’d love to meet your mom, baby. Just tell me when.” I stared back at her, the sadness in her eyes was breaking me slowly.
