Oasis of Crazy Fish

by Sasha Silver

  Copyright © 2017 by Sasha Ferrari

  All Rights Reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without prior written permission of the publisher.

  Omnific Publishing

  2355 Westwood Blvd., Suite 506

  LosAngeles, CA90064

  www.omnificpublishing.com

  First Omnific ebook edition, November 2017

  First Omnific trade paperback edition, November 2017

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious.

  Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

  Ferrari, Sasha

  Oasis of Crazy Fish: A True Tale of Internet Dating / Sasha Ferrari – 1st ed. ISBN: 978-1-623422-47-9

  1. Internet Romance —Non Fiction. 2. Dating— NonFiction.

  3. Romance— NonFiction. 4. Woman Dating — NonFiction. I. Title

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Book Cover Design byAmy Brokaw

  Printed in the United States of America

  Dedication

  To my children – please don’t read this book. There are things in this book a child shouldn’t know about their mother. The same applies to my parents. Just be proud I did it.

  To my good friends, Rose G, Deborah and Heather B, who have been through all or most of these stories with me, tale by tale.

  Foreword

  This book lifts the lid on the crazy, unpredictable, and often sordid world that is internet dating. Millions of us are doing it, but few are brave enough to open up about the trials and tribulations, the ups and downs of it all. This book fills that gap.

  Autobiographical in nature, this book follows one woman’s hilarious - and often downright weird - journey into the modern phenomena that is internet dating. The material is brutally authentic, sexually explicit and often inappropriate, but above all, it is honest.

  Names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent…and the guilty. But, never fear, I was honest with most of the men I met and told them about the book. The reactions were surprising; from wanting to know if they were going to be in to getting up and walking out before the date got started. So, if you think you recognize yourself, well, you’re probably right!

  The journey will take you through the crazy and wonderful world of love online. Along the way you will find not just the craziness, but also some interesting areas for reflection. You’ll encounter everything from immortality to health issues, from family issuesto love. This book is not for the faint hearted, but neither is internet dating.

  A few words of advice:

  If you are easily offended, then you probably shouldn’t read this book. For those who do read it, please do so with an open mind.

  If you’re thinking of internet dating, or just started, you need to read this book.

  If you’re a guy who is currently internet dating, you need to read this book. It will give your insight into the lady you are talking to and what she may be experiencing.

  If you’re in a relationship and contemplating being single, you need to read this book. You might decide that it’s easier to water your own grass than look for greener on the other side.

  And if you’re just plain old curious about what goes on with singletons while internet dating, you need to read this book.

  Over the period I have been internet dating, I’ve talked to my friends about the men I am talking to, or the dates I have been on, and they all have the same reaction, “You should write a book.”

  So here it is: my book on the crazy mad realm that is internet dating.

  Part One:

  The Oasis

  Lost in the Desert of Dating

  It’s 2016 and I’m single.

  I have been internet dating for about thirteen months now.

  People ask me all the time why I internet date? Even with all the madness that you will read about in the following pages, I like it, and I prefer it.

  I appreciate that there are other options, like hanging around in pubs or joining single social events. However, both make me feel uncomfortable; it feels like the school disco with all the girls in one corner and the boys looking on. What a pressure for any individual, and especially one such as myself who doesn’t drink. Alcohol helps much in the early flirting game, so how can I compete with the droves of tipsy flirters? Another matter to consider is that I am broke, and I can’t afford the luxury of going to social events that usually cost a princely amount to participate in.

  I’ve also noticed that men don’t really chat up ladies anymore in pubs or clubs. I often ask men when on a date if they would chat me up if they saw me at the bar. They always, and I mean always, reply that they wouldn’t for fear of rejection in public.

  So, I prefer sitting in my front room talking to a guy who might actually be my next partner. What’s funny is, people tell me to get a hobby. internet dating is my hobby! I can go on three or four dates a week. That’s a serious hobby.

  When I first became single in 2010, I had only ever been in two relationships, so I went a bit wild. After about fifty dates, I met Colin from a dating site. I need to clarify, when I say a date, it is exactly that: a date with coffee, a drink, and a meal, that kind of thing. I know what you’re all thinking, “internet dating equals sex with lots of men.” Wrong! internet dating can be seen as a bit sleazy, but it is the meeting place of the future. Even the younger generation today often use theinternet to meet their future partner. In fact, my daughter met her wonderful fiancé on an internet dating. Anyway, wherewas I, oh yes, Colin. That relationship only lasted about eighteen months, which was probably about fifteen months too long.

  After that relationship ended, I returned to my comfort blanket of internet dating for a couple of years. Then, I met a man (this time in real life) and trust me, the less said about him the better. Let’s just say he certainly put paid to people who say men on the internet are strange - real life men are too.

  I find myself single once again. I head straight for the internet dating websites and register at four different sites. But this time, things were a little different. I am somewhat damaged, shall we say, from my previous experiences on the internet. However, this time I am armed with experience and knowledge. This time I am in detective mode.

  The Mirage

  (AKA THE PROFILE)

  Your profile on these sites is the window of opportunity that opens up to making contact. It is your “first impression,” so to speak.

  Let me start by sharing with you the online dating profile I used.

  Looking for a genuine guy for serious friendship and maybe more.

  A single classy lady who has now reached that age where I prefer, and enjoy, the finer things in life: good food, good company, movies, travel etc., but these things are better if shared with even better company.

  I am not into all that gym malarkey would rather have a sherbet dip dab!

  Here are some interesting facts about me:

  I once completed a Marathon in record breaking time - that was before they renamed it to a Snickers.

  I have a black belt but alas not for karate, but a really nice one that matches my shoes.

  My wheelie bin goes out more than me.

  I have been told that sex at 50 is amazing…shame I live at number 10.

  One thing about your profile is that it is imperative to include a picture. This is where the connection is born. Let’s be honest for a minute – as human beings, we are hard weird to find someone who we find attractive. So, this is where you want to make sure
the “bait” is something that will catch your prey’s eye…and libido.

  In the end, no matter what picture you use, however, men will ask questions or make comments. Men like to see a facial picture and a full length one of you on your own. I have been told that men do like a full-length photo that gets your personality across, something like poking your tongue out. Of course, it needs to reflect how you look today so if you change your hair color you may need to re-do your photos.

  Men have no problem making comments about the profile process and the pictures (trust me, we will talk about the hypocrisy of this later). I’ve read things like, “Which one are you in the picture?” and “I don’t want to see your dog” (or children – these things seem to be interchangeable in the internet dating world).

  Well let me tell you something, men areexactly the same, if not worse. They have pictures of their children, dogs, cars, motorbikes, football team emblems, group photos, them in the distance, them in sunglasses, them in a balaclava, or them with a fish. Oh, and the most popular, a pint of beer. Any men reading this, your profile picture is equally as important to us women. If you’re in a crowd of mates wearing your football shirt holding up two pints of beer in your hands, trust me, the woman you attract isn’t going to be the one that lasts.

  Some men don’t even have a picture. In my experience, there are only five reasons why a man doesn’t have a profile picture, and I have not been wrong:

  He’s thick and doesn’t know how to do it.

  He’s married/committed and hiding.

  He’s not very attractive and knows he won’t get women to talk to him.

  His job is sensitive. For example, he’s a teacher or other profession and he doesn’t want it advertisedthat he’s on a dating site(this one is an acceptable circumstances).

  He just joined the site. Sometimes as new as an hour ago.

  The problem with internet dating and the profile is that people lie! I know, shocking, right? You may arrange a date with a six-foot-tall man with a full dark head of hair, and when he walks in it’s a disappointment. There have been many times when I turned around to see my date andfind myself thinking, “You lying bastard! You’re not 6ft,” or “Maybe that’s what you looked like ten years ago.”

  Don’t get me wrong, women are just as guilty of the “profile punch-up.” I’ve heard men complain that the thing women typically lie about is their weight. Women are very smart and put selfies as their main profile photograph, showing just their face. But the full body photo would give away the truth; they may not be in the same shape they were twenty years ago. So, it seems that men lie about their height, age and hair loss, and we women lie about our weight and sometimes age. Welcome to the internet dating world.

  One thing that I’ve discovered about profiles on these sites is that men and women seem to be speaking completely different languages. Things that seem innocent and generic to a woman mean something very different to a man. A word of advice…if there are any ladies out there about to put a profile on a dating site and you are genuinely looking for love, do not use the following words or phrases:

  Adventurous

  Fun

  Good time

  Open minded

  Up for anything

  Try anything once

  Ballsy

  Confident

  Play

  Apparently, these all are different forms of sexual acts in a man’s world.

  I discovered this little “different language” phenomenon when a good-looking guy suddenly messaged me. My hopes rose, and I got excited. He looks gorgeous and his picture is in focus and close-up, appears affluent and solvent. I’ve hit the jackpot! Then, out of the blue, he asks if I like anal sex. Cue the disappointment sound track. The whawha noise from TV game shows. There’s not even a consolation prize. I just try to forget that one and move on to the next one.

  The Laws of the Land

  (OR MINE ANYWAY)

  In my three periods of singledom in five years, I think I’ve been on over 150 first dates. Judge me all you will, but this has mainly been for coffee or dinner. I once met three guys in one day: coffee at 10am, 2pm and 5pm. What can I say? I’m a catch.

  I usually have three rules that I apply to dating:

  I never take any money with me on a first date. Why? I don’t know, really. This has been the topic of many a conversation over a first date about the female/male view of who pays and why. Some men say that some women insist showing their independence. Me personally, I want you to pay. Let’s face it, I’m only having a coffee (or maybe two). If you’re not gentlemanly enough to do that, you’re not for me. Although, to let you in on a little secret, I do sometimes take an emergency tenner with me. A girl’s gotta be prepared.

  I don’t travel. You want a date? You come to me. This one doesn’t always work, as it depends on how attractive I find a man (a bit shallow, I know. But, I’ve been at this a while and I’m entitled to be a little shallow from time to time). Again, why do I do this? Quite logical, really. It’s about my safety and my comfort zone. Many men have said, “I’ll come to you, that way you’re familiar with the area, and you’ll feel safe.” That is the kind of man I want to date, someone who considers my safety and comfort.

  I will not sleep with you. I will not accept an invite to your house, or invite you to my house, and I definitely will not come and sit in your car in a dark car park. I did this once, but that’s a story for a later time – and don’t fret, we’ll get to it later in this book. Trust me ladies, a guy that wants you in his car rather than taking you out on a date is up to no good.

  Now, I’m not saying that I haven’t broken this one a couple of times. One of my “Sex Bucket List” items was to have a one night stand, so I made the exception. But, those exceptions are few and far between.

  No sex is MY rule, but it’s usually not his. At least the different methods they employ when trying to convince me are always entertaining. There are several different techniques men will use when they are on the hunt.

  Let me introduce you to The Hunters:

  Reverse Psychology Hunter: This guy’s hunting style is to make you think that sleeping with him is your idea. That he doesn’t really want to get you into his bed. His modus operandi is a phrase like, “Listen darling, I wouldn’t let you sleep with me tonight if you begged me.”

  “Er um, helloooo, of course you would.” Try something more original guys, it really is quite boring. You’re thinking with your head, and I don’t mean the one on your shoulders.

  Insecure Hunter: This guy’s hunting method is based on your pity. He’s like the animal that pretends to be hurt so you’ll come closer and then he’ll pounce. His “lure” goes something like, “An attractive woman like you would never make love to a guy like me.”

  Yeah, he’s right on that one. Insecurity is definitely NOT an aphrodisiac.

  Inexperienced Hunter: This Hunter is similar to the Insecure Hunter, but his confidence is higher. His hunting method is more like the elderly lion who is underestimated. The key to his hunting is that he is underestimated. He uses the, “it’s been so long I think I might have forgotten” phrase to achieve that pity from you.

  Oh please, really? I just smile and make an excuse to use the ladies and then run for the hills.

  Romeo Hunter: This guy is dangerous. This hunter implies there is such a great connection you have that to NOT have sex would be almost criminal. And he makes you believe it, too.

  When this Hunter says, “God, I think I have fallen in love with you.” or “I feel like we have made such a connection talking and then finally meeting feels so right and comfortable,” he is laying the trap. Don’t fall for it!

  This Hunter is the one that can hurt you the most. They try and push things along quickly. He will continue to tell you that he’s told all his friends and family about you and coming to meet you on this date. He creates an illusion of familiarity for the lady hoping that she will sleep with him. It’s all part of the trap. Men do not t
ell their families they are going on a date. Believe that if you believe nothing else.

  Bully Hunter: I hate this one. He just is relentless and bullish in trying to get you into bed. He is focused and driven and will say things like, “Come on, what have you got to lose?” or “I will still respect you in the morning.” Even a reply like, “To be honest, I don’t really care if you respect me in the morning or not. I care whether I respect me in the morning,” isn’t enough to put them off. With the Bully Hunter, it will be two hours of him trying to get you to have sex with him. Boring!

  All of this brings me to another aspect of this whole crazy internet dating world…SEX. If there is one thing that I have learned about men on dating sites, it’s that they will say anything and go to any lengths just to get a shag.

  It is unbelievable how focused and driven they become. It’s almost admirable. Sadly, they seem to find it impossible to apply this same drive and ambition to dating the same woman after they have achieved their goal.

  One thing I’ve found is that a lot of men seem to get bored easily. If they aren’t successful at getting a woman into bed quickly, they move on. You find yourself wondering where the “deep love” they felt for you has gone.

  Over the years, I’ve discovered something interesting and unique about the difference between men and women when it comes to dating and sex. If you’re the guy’s one, it doesn’t matter if he beds you date one or date ten he will stick around. If you’re not? It doesn’t matter which date he fucked you on, he will still go. Sometimes they don’t even know that themselves. That is what makes it all so difficult. You see as women, we sleep with him because we think he will like us more; we’re so wrong ladies, trust me.

  And now a cautionary word about internet dating and sex: some men – and these are the dangerous ones - want their prey no matter what. They will wait and watch, learning and listening, and planning.

  Often these men are the kind of guys who you give your number to and they ring you straight away. In fact, they bombard you with texts and phone calls and want you to visit them immediately. I have had this a few times and it feels pressured and rushed. When told to back off they plead, and they invite you to stay over, preferably tonight, now, immediately. This is the hunting style of a highly sexualized male who needs to devour his prey soon. BEWARE!