Oasis of Crazy Fish

by Sasha Silver

  Where am I Today?

  Well guys, it’s the final chapter. I hope you have enjoyed reading my stories, some have been fun and some have not. Please tell your friends to read it. It’s insightful if anything else.

  I do think that some of the mistakes I’ve made were from my rigid thinking, but maybe that’s a good thing? I mean, I believe if a man wants you, he makes it very clear. You shouldn’t have to sit back and wonder if he wants you. You should know it. You should feel it.

  I watch dating programs on television all the time. It appears on a first date, even on these programs, that nothing materializes. And although, occasionally, a second date may have been arranged, it never gets to a third. Why is that?

  Well if it’s anything like my experiences, unfortunately guys, I hold you accountable. Although I do appreciate I am generalizing a bit. Most men do not know how to date. They are hunters, not daters.

  I look back to my past and wonder if it was always like this or if the internethas provided too much knowledge to men these days. I’ve come across hundreds of men who want a woman to visit their home regularly give them sex and leave. They don’t want to date them, spoil them, talk to them or share their company. They are happy to offer this deal on a regular basis, though, so you’re not a one night stand. Well, fucking thank you for that!

  I came to the realization that I don’t want to share my bed with a guy who snores or farts. I don’t want to pick up dirty underpants from the floor. I don’t want to have to shower before I go to bed in case I get lucky. I don’t want to cook for a man when I can’t be arsed to cook for myself. I don’t want to be told off because I swore in public or acted like an idiot. I don’t want to have to look good all the time. I don’t want to shave my legs, arms, or any other places for that matter.

  All I want is a nice guy to take me away for weekends and holidays. Someone to take me out on Sundays and spoil me a little. I want all the nice things about being with somebody. That probably makes me as bad as the men who only want regular visits to their home to give them sex. I think I just had an epiphany.

  Hi, my name is Sasha, and I am a serial dater, just like them. These men have turned me into one of them. I know I sound like a man hater, but I’m not. I am a hunter hater. There is a difference.

  On a serious note, I do need to point out one important thing. I do not hate men. I love men. In fact, I think they are not given enough credit by women. They are straightforward and logical and boy can they focus on one thing at a time. That is a quality I wish I possessed. Being a woman, my mind thinks about a million different things all at the same time. Men seem to be able to separate things into different boxes and bring down each box when it’s required.

  Friends who have read this book say that it’s like I was obsessed with internet dating. I didn’t write about the everyday stuff that I went through, or the uneventful things that were happening in my life. That would make for a boring book. I only wrote about the things that I think were interesting.

  I promise I’m not sitting twenty-four hours a day on the internet scouring the sites for men. I work full time. I attend things like slimming club. I socialize with my friends, visit my family, watch TV, do all my housekeeping chores, shopping, washing and ironing. I’m addicted to Candy Crush and I spend time with my children. I’m a normal woman living in a normal world.

  The fact is, however, internet dating is everywhere. Almost anyone I talk to, whether it be women at slimming club, strangers in a coffee shop at an airport, on holiday, in hospitals… everyone has an internet dating story. Somebody they know or even they themselves have dated or met their partner on a dating site. Even people that you wouldn’t think would need to use a dating site are doing it. A really pretty doctor I know met her new husband on a dating site. Everyone is doing it, or knows someone doing it.

  All the conversations that I have about internet dating eventually stray to the weird stories. People tell me all sorts of things. An elderly lady told me how she turned up to meet her soulmate. He gave her a big kiss and a carrier bag with lots of sex toys inside. Or there was the guy who went to meet a woman and was slipped something in his drink. He said he remembers nothing but waking up in his car the next morning.

  This whole new dating world created by the internet fascinates and intrigues me. I see guys on these dating sites who have been there for years. I know I have been there a while, but getting commitment out of men is harder. Getting a woman to commit is easy for a man so they must be there by choice.

  But, I think that I have my happy ending. I think I’ve had my last first date…

  Remember from the beginning my criteria for the man I want? I always knew that everything on my list was probably unachievable. I would have to know what the deal breakers were and what I could live with. One thing that is clear from all the stories and the criteria mentioned above is that what I wanted was total devotion.

  Selfish?

  Unrealistic?

  Who cares?

  I didn’t want him to have kids (a tall order at my age). If he did have kids then I wanted them to be independent at least. I didn’t want him to have a hobby that takes over his life, like golf every weekend, or football or sports where he has to watch every home/away game, especially with his mates down the pub. I guess I wanted it all but really, don’t we all?

  I did have a friend remind me today that my criteria were particularly pickyfor a woman with three aneurysms, about to have no teeth, with a breast cancer scare. I realize that I’m not exactly a catch. Thanks, friend. But she was right. That is a lot of health baggage to bring to the table and would scare offmost men. I do have to take that into account.

  My health is in a particularly bad way, which makes me wonder if I should not be looking for my life partner at this time. How long do I wait? But, then I think that maybe that’s exactly the man I’m looking for: one who would stay with me through all this. I will never hide it from him and he will of course have the choice to walk away, but it will take a special kind of man to take on all that. Maybe with everything else I bring to the table, it’s not actually that bad.

  Then I found Alex. A little gem hiding away on a dating site. Alex is tall, over six feet, and has a head of hair like I have never seen before. He owns his own house, in fact he owns about five that he rents out. He doesn’t have any pets or children and is not a big drinker. He owns his own business and mainly works normal hours - although he can go to do quotes on weekends. He does not follow football, owns a couple of vehicles, and loves going away. In fact, he met every single thing on my list.

  My new liaison with Alex started with a lovely first message on the dating site. “Good evening, xxx (my username). Hope you are enjoying your evening? I read your profile and immediately concluded that you must be a lovely humorous lady. I really hope you would like to chat to me and if not, have a great day.” That was nicer than the usual, “Hi there,” and sometimes they can’t even be bothered to write the word “there” and just write “hi.”

  This message got my attention and I looked at his profile. My initial thoughts were that I did not find him attractive, but I liked his profile which read:

  “Welcome. Thanks for looking at my profile. I’m here because I want to try and find someone to share my life with. I will give more than I get in a relationship, if we get that far. All I ask in return is honesty. I enjoy my job. It’s fun and keeps me busy. I am seeking someone who does want total commitment and someone special in her life to share fun times, days/nights out having a drive into the countryside, etc. for a nice meal.”

  Well he seemed quite lovely, although as you and I both know sometimes looks can be deceiving. But this time I was right, he was lovely. He sent me the most amazing messages. After one hundred fifty-eight messages (on our second date he told me had counted them) we swapped telephone numbers. His messages melted me. He was so articulate, emotionally intelligent, and more importantly, quite needy. I like needy.

  I had briefly talked to
Alex on the phone and he had a very strange voice that almost put me off. When I realized he had WhatsApp, I messaged him on there and saw his profile photo. I once again felt a little disappointed. This picture was very different from the website. I panicked a little bit at this point, because I had let him get very intense with me and I felt it would be terrible for us if I didn’t like him.

  I drove to the date with such a pensive heart. I imagined a big guy with a lazy eye, and for some reason I imagined him to look a little unkempt and unfashionable. I have told him this and he laughed and wondered how I got that image of him.

  I met Alex, funnily enough, in the same car park I met the “pilot” in. Remember him? I arrived in the car park and got out of my car. Then I saw him walking towards me with a big bouquet of roses and a large box of chocolates. I looked at him and my immediate feeling was relief. He looked really smart and I couldn’t see a lazy eye at all. Alex was so adoring towards me and kept looking at me and telling me how gorgeous I was.

  We had arranged for just coffee, but we ended up having dinner. We chatted for hours and I felt like I’d known him for years. Alex opened doors for me, pulled my chair out for me, and the whole evening was lovely. He looked at me like an adoring puppy.

  We ended up discussing when we were going to meet again. I asked him if he wanted to meet me at the Trafford Centre. He agreed and we arranged a location and a time. The next day arrived and I was so stressed, the place was heaving and parking was a nightmare. We soon found each other and I proceeded to show him the delights that I have fallen in love with at the centre. The ship-like eatery, New Orleans Street, and then Chinatown. He loved it and we decided that it would be our special place. We were there about nine hours and he really wanted me to go home with him. I didn’t. But we arranged to meet at his home on Sunday.

  So, the relationship is moving along nicely. Alex showers me in love, affection, gifts, and flowers. Remember in his profile he said, “I will give more than I get in a relationship?” He wasn’t wrong at all. He gives far more to me than I give to him. He ticks all my boxes and more. He sends me the most beautiful and profound messages and pictures. He sends me words to songs and is so romantic. He is tactile and generous and spoils me rotten. He tells me frequently how lucky he feels to have met me. I feel like I’m the lucky one.

  One thing about Alex is that he didn’t hide his feelings from the moment he met me. He was prepared to be vulnerable at the risk of being hurt. He wanted me from the moment he saw me and he was not going to play any mind games.

  I will say, that this relationship is still in its infancy, but right now, I feel so adored and cherished. I am excited about our future together. Things are moving quickly but I certainly don’t feel scared.

  I hit a milestone birthday recently. I am fifty years old. Alex surprised me by booking four days for us for this celebration in Tenerife. We love each other’s company and I look forward to all that a loving relationship will deliver.

  I will say, however, that I still get sent the odd text from some of the Boomerangs. I have been with Alex for six months now and I still get some texts. I find this unbelievable and weird actually.

  As I reflect on all the men that I have met and told stories about it leads to me some conclusions. Every one of them was worth meeting as they contributed to the tales that provided me with material for the book. I could have settled many times along the way, but didn’t. I had a belief about the kind of man I wanted. I had a belief about the kind of relationship I wanted. I had a belief that I had to get it right this time so I never had to be single again.

  People told me along the way that I was too fussy. They told me I was looking for the unachievable. I didn’t see it that way. I knew what would make me happy. Why should I settle for something that I knew wouldn’t? If a man refuses to go on holiday, I would be so unhappy. To think I can change him would be arrogant of me. Women do that, don’t we? We live with something and think we can change the thing that irritates us about our man. The reality is, we can’t. So all you women out there, if you meet a guy and think,“I can change him!” – walk away, please. Walk away and save both of you from the misery.

  So, my message to all you ladies out there in dating land is this…know what it is you want. If you don’t know what exactly it is you want, write a list. Even if the list is personality or life traits you don’t want, that’s a start in knowing what you ultimately want from a relationship.

  I have heard many women say they don’t have any idea what they want and they will wait and see what turns up. Maybe it’s time to be proactive and selfish? Maybe you’re not being that thorough early enough and that’s why you’re still searching? All the things you didn’t like came out after you started the relationship and they were deal breakers. So you get another failed relationship.

  You need to compile and look at your list. Decide what is a deal breaker and what isn’t. Stick to your beliefs no matter what. If you think to yourself, “This guy is messing with me,” or, “I’m not getting enough attention here,” don’t settle for that. Your adoring man is waiting for you. Don’t let somebody else get in his way.

  My final word is to give you men some advice. Maybe your sisters, or mothers, or daughters, or friends are reading this book and they can pass it on to you. One thing I know about my internet dating journey is there is one thing that ALL men say:“I don’t understand women.” Then why do you make lots of assumptions about what we think, when dating?

  Ask us what we want. Don’t assume you know what we want. That’s your biggest mistake and you need to change it.

  And now, it’s time for me to say good-bye. I’m off toembark on a new adventure and journey through life. Who knows what is around the corner? Keep the faith, believe in yourself, and know what you want. Stick to that and you’ll find your happiness – and maybe a crazy fish to call your own.

  Acknowledgements

  To Lisa, my editor at Omnific Publishing…thank you for taking a chance on me. It’s an opportunity of a lifetime, for which I will always be eternally grateful.

  About The Author

  Sasha, 51, has been divorced for 18 years. She has 24-year-old twins, Samuel and Daniella, born in the beautiful country of the Seychelles, from which her family hails. She loves writing and currently works in middle management in the Health Service in England.