The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus

by Michael Anderle

  The Drow woman clicked on a hyperlink and a picture of a smiling Light Elf, also standing in front of a grill, popped up. The Drow took a moment to read the article, and both scowled at the same time.

  “This is what comes of mixing too much with the Earth humans,” Zavan spat out. “This Nadina has lowered herself to cook with humans and seek their praise. The sooner we find the princess and leave this wretched place, the better.”

  James sat down at the desk in his office. He almost never used the place, so it contained only his desk, a couple of chairs, and a phone. But at least it gave him somewhere to talk with people at the Brownstone Building when the situation called for it.

  Trey closed the door and dropped into a chair across from the bounty hunter. “I’m sorry about Lachlan, James. I should have seen that shit coming.”

  “You set him straight, and now it’s up to him. Not everyone is cut out for this life. We’ve known that since I started the agency.”

  Trey frowned. “I swear, if that bitch causes any more trouble…” He sighed. “Whatever. Royce will whip his ass into shape. We need to focus on the barbeque team soon, too. Need to get some competitions and experience under our belts.”

  “Sounds good. I’ve done a few competitions, but I’m not an expert.”

  “You keep saying that. Doesn’t make it any less bullshit.”

  James grunted noncommittally.

  Trey shrugged. “Also it don’t matter. Half the point of this is to get the guys feeling good about shit, so I figure we want to play to people’s strengths.”

  “We’ll have to ask what their preferences are. Break ‘em up by major sauce types. Maybe meat choices, you know? Brisket team, rib team, that sort of shit.” James grunted and nodded. “A few guys per team, but multiple teams.”

  “You know the main thing anyone needs to improve their skills, right?”

  James shrugged. “Practice?”

  Trey snapped. “Exactly, big man.”

  “Then we’ll need grills. Plenty of space out back. We can have a covered grilling area set up there. We should grill out at least once a week, weather permitting. Nothing in the permits that I’ve seen that says I can’t grill out there.”

  Trey laughed. “I doubt the boys are going to complain about barbeque every week. It works as both training and a fringe benefit.”

  James grunted. “Didn’t think of it that way.”

  “What about you, big man? You gonna be on a team?”

  “Don’t know. Maybe I’ll be my own team and give bonuses to anyone who beats me at competitions.”

  Trey grinned. “At least beating you at barbeque is something we might be able to pull off.”

  Dannec puttered around his apartment, amused by how much money he was earning helping the LAPD AET. He’d have to save his favor for something important. Contrary to what Lieutenant Hall believed, no nefarious plan lingered in his heart.

  He was a businessman, plain and simple. He couldn’t help it if occasionally the laws of either Earth or Oriceran took a dim view of his businesses, but he wasn’t a savage like the witch the lieutenant and her men took down.

  The Light Elf clucked his tongue. His people wouldn’t tolerate his return to Oriceran, but it didn’t matter. He had a place on Earth now, and respect of sorts. Some might call it exile, but he preferred to think of it as a new opportunity.

  A sonorous melody played from a nearby chime. Dannec spun and narrowed his eyes. He hurried into the hallway and threw open the door to his bedroom.

  A painting depicting two smiling Light Elf children hung on the wall. He raised his hands and issued the melodic incantation required with ease.

  Opaque bands of color surrounded the frame and then shot across and down over the painting. A glowing map of Los Angeles County replaced the image of the children. Scarlet and black bands pulsed across the image.

  He sucked in a breath. “Drow.”

  Dannec gestured and performed another incantation, trying to tighten the location. The bands continued to flutter across the map.

  “I’ll give you that you’re smart enough not to let me easily trace you, you damned Drow.”

  The elf dropped onto the edge of his bed, his hands tightened into a fist. Even if his own people had exiled him and he felt little loyalty to them, it didn’t change the fact that he despised Drow.

  Dannec took a deep breath. He’d learned many things since coming to Earth, but chief among them was to not always rely on magic as a solution.

  The elf rose and hurried into the other room to grab his phone. He dialed Tyler.

  “Hello, Dannec,” Tyler answered. “If this is about the money, it’ll be a few more days. You know I won’t fuck you over.”

  “Yes, you’re not brave enough for that, but this isn’t about that.”

  “Oh? What’s it about?”

  “I want to offer you some free information.”

  “No such thing as ‘free’ in my experience. Always a cost.”

  Dannec chuckled. “You’re like me, Tyler—a businessman. You know what makes a good businessman?”

  “A nose for profit?”

  “Yes. And you know what makes for a good business environment?”

  “Hmm. I’d have to say stability.”

  “Exactly,” Dannec replied. “A certain amount of controlled chaos is useful at times, but I’m like you, I prefer a steady stream of predictable customers. It makes things less annoying.”

  “Okay,” Tyler responded. “Did you just decide to call me so we can chitchat about business theory?”

  “There are Drow in Los Angeles. From what I can tell, several of them.”

  “What the fuck is a Drow? Is this a good thing or bad thing?

  “Dark Elves.”

  Tyler sighed. “Dark Elves, as in evil?”

  “That, like most things, is a matter of perspective. The problem is, they are individually very powerful. It pains me to admit that the average Dark Elf is more powerful than the average Light Elf or Wood Elf.”

  “So they’ve got a lot of magic? That’s not a big deal.”

  “They’re not only powerful, but they are incredibly selfish and care only about their own people. Most other people are mere resources for them to expend. They aren’t as bad as Atlanteans, but to put it in terms you might better understand that’s like saying that the Italian Fascists weren’t as bad as the Nazis.”

  Tyler laughed. “Tell me how you really feel, Dannec.”

  “This isn’t a laughing matter, Tyler. The point is that if they are here, it doesn’t mean anything good for anyone else. Even if they are here for something very specific, it’s likely someone is going to be hurt or killed in the process. I’d heard rumors of them being in the area before, but I was out of town for some time on a business matter before my most recent encounter with the excitable Lieutenant Hall. They also might have been purposefully hiding their magical signatures.”

  “Huh. Okay. So these Drow are going to stir shit up and they are powerful, is what you’re saying.”

  “Yes. Feel free to pass that along to whoever might find it useful.”

  Tyler chuckled. “I will, once I figure out how to make some money off it.”

  5

  Royce settled in across from James in his office.

  “How did everything go with Lachlan?” James inquired.

  The drill instructor shrugged. “He’s got a lot of attitude, but I dealt with a shitload of attitude during my time in the Corps. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

  “Good. The more guys we can get up to speed, the better. Trey’s doing a great job, but he’s also only one man. The discipline you’re instilling in them will help them go after bounties without the situation getting out of control. The hand-to-hand you’re teaching them will help, since not everyone surrenders.” James chuckled. “I’ve seen a lot of these guys shoot. They’re more interested in looking cool than hitting shit.”

  Royce laughed. “Yeah, but at least they’ve handle
d weapons. That helps. I’m going to introduce proper firearms training next Friday. By the time I’m done with these guys, they’ll be able to field-strip multiple weapons while under fire if necessary.”

  James nodded. “Trey told me everything’s coming along in helping them learn investigation and tracking skills. Some of the guys might never be all that good on their own, but that’s not a problem. They are used to working in groups, so we can pair or triple them up. I’d prefer that. It’s safer.”

  “I agree. I get that we’re not training a platoon here, but I don’t want these guys running around thinking they are you.”

  James grunted. “Trey’s got a good head on his shoulders, and he’s helping to keep them in check. Not all that worried.”

  Royce crossed his arms. “Sure, but at the end of the day, it’s the Brownstone Agency. It’s important that these guys remember that.”

  “Huh?”

  “In the Corps, we have centuries of tradition to help keep people in line, along with a Marine’s love of his country. The Brownstone Agency is, well, like Trey was saying, it’s closer to a gang.”

  “Yeah. I guess. What about it?”

  “Other than Lachlan, I don’t think there’s a single man I’m working with who doesn’t respect you or think you could do some serious damage. On the other hand, it’s important in gangs to remind people of the leader’s strength.”

  James frowned. “I’m not following you, Royce.”

  “The King of the Pit.”

  The bounty hunter shrugged. “I’m the King of the Barbeque Pit.”

  The drill instructor chuckled. “I’m going to be setting up two teams for the whole thing, but how about you work as Team Three?”

  James shook his head. “I’m not trying to be an arrogant dick, Royce, but none of these guys have a chance against me. What would be the point of me kicking their asses?”

  The Marine grinned. “Kicking their ass is exactly the point. It’s a pride thing with them. The winning team will get a twenty-minute rest and then take you on in the pit. When you win, they won’t feel bad because of your reputation and abilities, but they’ll feel good that they even got a shot at the true king.”

  James shrugged. “If you think it’s a good idea, I’m fine with it.”

  “Yeah, I know what I’m doing.”

  “That’s why I hired you.”

  Maria glanced around as she settled in at the bar. It was rather empty, which was unusual for the Black Sun, but even a popular place had to be slow now and again.

  “No Kathy tonight?” she inquired as Tyler walked toward her.

  “Nah, she’s off for the next couple of days.”

  The lieutenant leaned in and lowered her voice. “And how is everything going with your new business venture?”

  “Things are coming along. Most of the paperwork is done, and I’ll be able to pay the elf the rest of his money soon enough.” Tyler poured her drink and set it in front of her. “And you’re sure this isn’t going to be a one-off thing?”

  Maria shook her head. “Bureaucracy’s too damned slow. If there’s one thing the shit with that demon-summoning bitch taught me, it’s that no one seems to get how quickly the situation on the ground can change.” She frowned. “Everyone just assumes we’ll be able to handle it, or some asshole like Brownstone will come in and save the day. But what good does that do when people start dying? So fuck it. I’m going to do what I need to do to protect the people of Los Angeles, and if that means occasionally getting help from a shady elf, then big fucking deal.”

  “You know what they say about the path to hell,” Tyler commented with a shrug.

  “I’d rather die knowing I tried than knowing on my deathbed people died because I didn’t try hard enough.”

  Tyler rolled his eyes. “You know, Lieutenant, I like you because you’re anti-Brownstone, and you help keep this place neutral ground, but sometimes you’re such a cop. You seriously buy into all that ‘protect and serve’ shit?”

  Maria narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, I do. It’s why I became a cop.”

  “You know what I think cops are?”

  “No. Enlighten me, oh great criminal bar owner?”

  Tyler smirked. “You’re just the biggest gang with the snappiest uniforms.”

  She shrugged. “Maybe, but any decent gang makes sure that other assholes don’t fuck with people on their turf. So it doesn’t change shit whether this is about protecting or serving or if this is just about me being mad there are assholes in my territory who aren’t wearing my gang colors.”

  “If you say so, Lieutenant.”

  Two thugs in suits entered the Black Sun and made their way to the bar. One stopped and stared at Maria for a moment after ordering two beers.

  “Got something on my face, asshole?” she challenged.

  The man held up a hand. “Calm down, Lieutenant. That’s you, right? Lieutenant Maria Hall?”

  “Who the fuck is asking?”

  The man grinned. “I know this place is neutral ground and all, but I’m still not dumb enough to give my name to a cop. Don’t worry though. Me and my buddy, we’re big fans.”

  The other man nodded and gave a thumbs up.

  Tyler set the beers in front of the thugs, watching with interest.

  “Big fans?” Maria echoed.

  “Yeah. We saw it on television. AET kicking that demon witch’s ass. That shit was off-the-hook badass.”

  The other man gulped down his beer and nodded. “Yeah, I haven’t seen that kind of badass shit since the last time the news caught Brownstone in action.”

  Maria gritted her teeth.

  Always fucking Brownstone.

  The first man nodded to his friend. “Yeah, I know you AET guys took down some high-powered killer not all that long ago, but we didn’t see that shit on TV like we did this one. That crazy witch was just offing people, so it even got me thinking, ‘Damn, those cops are protecting our asses. I actually wish I paid taxes.’”

  “Uh, thanks,” she managed.

  The cop blinked and looked between the two men, not sure what to make of them. She liked AET being recognized for their work, but at the same time getting praised by criminals didn’t sit right in her stomach.

  The second thug set down his beer and burped. “Plus, I know you’ve got that armor on and everything, but damned if you didn’t look hot taking that bitch out.”

  Tyler nodded toward a table across the room. “Hey, the lieutenant’s tired. How about you guys take it over there, and I’ll send a free pitcher your way?”

  The men stood and nodded.

  “Never one to turn down free beer,” the first man commented.

  “Keep up the good fight, Lieutenant,” the second offered. He gave her a salute.

  They made their way to the table.

  Tyler chuckled. “What’s a matter, Lieutenant? You can’t take having a fan club?”

  “I’m not used to it, no.” Maria picked up her drink and took a sip, still processing the encounter.

  “The Black Sun isn’t a bar for tech bros or dentists. We get a rough crowd in here, and rough guys tend to like their women with a little backbone.”

  Maria smirked. “So, what…I’m the pin-up girl for the Black Sun now? You have plenty of waitresses with short skirts.”

  “Yeah, but no backbone, and the average mob enforcer can’t say he’s taken on a demon-summoning witch.” Tyler shrugged. “Take the respect people are willing to throw your way. It might come in useful someday. After all, AET aren’t like most cops.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Tyler gestured to the two thugs and then a lone gang member drowning his sorrows with a surprisingly expensive bottle of French wine.

  “It’s what I was getting at earlier. Cops aren’t really about protecting and serving normally. They are about upholding the status quo. Yeah, yeah, they get criminals and thieves off the street, but the rich assholes at the top and the politicians, who are responsible for harming the
most people, rarely get touched. Think about it. You think sending some dusthead to prison helps him?”

  Maria frowned. “People make their own choices. They don’t have to break the law.”

  “The law? The law changes all the time, and it can’t even keep up.” Tyler shrugged. “People break it all the time, whether it’s using drugs, or speeding, or cheating on their taxes or some shit.”

  “You have a point, or are you just trying to piss me off?”

  Tyler pointed at her. “To protect and serve, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  The bartender gave her a lopsided grin. “Don’t you get it? AET doesn’t arrest people for using magic. Doesn’t fuck with someone just for being from Oriceran. You stop assholes who have gone too far. It’s like being a firefighter, you know? All you do is save people’s lives.” He shrugged. “Now, sure, sometimes it gets expensive, but magic isn’t exactly easy to control.”

  Maria narrowed her eyes at Tyler, not saying anything for a long while. “Are you just fucking with me?”

  “Nope, it’s what I believe.”

  “What about Brownstone? Couldn’t you say the same thing about him?”

  Tyler’s smile vanished. “Fuck that asshole. He’s not a cop. He’s a bounty hunter. He doesn’t do it on salary because he wants to protect people. He gets a pile of money, and I’m pretty sure he gets off on beating people down. It’s not the same thing at all.”

  “Huh. Not saying I disagree. Just surprised to hear someone like you say it.” Maria polished off her drink and set down the glass. “Another, please.”

  “Sure thing, Lieutenant.” Tyler turned to refill her drink. “You know, this neutral ground deal has done wonders for my business, but it’s made certain things more complicated.” He set the drink down in front of her.

  Maria took a sip. “Like what?”

  “Figuring out what music to play.”

  She tilted her head to listen. She’d barely been paying attention before to the classic hip-hop from the early 2000s.

  “I don’t usually pay that much attention to music in bars,” Maria admitted.