The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus

by Michael Anderle

Maria slapped a magazine into her rifle before adjusting the strap and shouldering it. She marched over to Trey, maneuvering through the crowd of men rushing around her and gathering equipment.

  She frowned at Trey. “We should be calling in AET. This is a clear and present danger to the public, based off what you said earlier.”

  Trey looked up with a frown. “The big man gave explicit motherfucking orders. The big man almost never gives explicit motherfucking orders like that. No 5-fucking-0.”

  Maria crossed her arms. “Why? Brownstone can’t be that desperate for more bounty money from the feds.”

  Trey shrugged. “Don’t know. Don’t care. This ain’t just a bounty hunting agency, it’s the fucking Brownstone Agency. His damned name is on it.”

  “But we can’t just—”

  Trey slammed a fist into a nearby locker, the sound echoing. Everyone stopped and stared at them.

  He slapped a palm against his chest armor. “We ain’t cops, Maria. We also ain’t military. We ain’t gangbangers, either. We are bounty hunters who work for James Brownstone. That sometimes means that to get the job done, we need to play shit fast and loose. If you can’t handle how we roll—” he nodded toward the door, “no one’s stopping you from leaving. We all know you’re a badass bitch and we respect that, but I want to make it motherfucking clear that first and foremost we respect the big man, and we obey him. You know what I’m saying?”

  Maria’s face twitched and reddened. She took a few deep breaths. “This isn’t about laws or shit like that. This is about innocent people getting hurt.”

  Trey snorted. “You think the big man don’t give a shit about that? If he’s telling us not to call the police, he’s got a good reason. He’ll handle this shit. We just need to saddle the fuck up and come with the backup he needs.”

  They locked eyes, both squaring their shoulders.

  I like you, Maria. Don’t make me have to do something stupid. We don’t have time for this shit. James is counting on us.

  Maria gave a curt nod and turned to the watching men. “You heard the man. Stop staring at my ass and get the rest of your gear together. We need to get to that park and back Brownstone up ASAP.”

  Trey grinned. “Glad to have you aboard, Maria.” He made a circle with his hand. “The rest of you bitches, we're rolling in five minutes. Don’t have time for motherfucking lollygagging.”

  Isaiah stared at him. “’Lollygagging?’” He snorted. “What are you, two hundred years old?”

  Trey glared at him. “Finish getting your gear on, motherfucker.”

  Shay had just pulled out of her garage in her Fiat on her way to James’ house when her phone rang.

  “Hey,” she answered.

  “So, um, how’s Alberta?” James asked. “Very Canadian, eh?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s very Canadian, but I’m not there. I’m back in LA.”

  “Already?”

  Shay sighed. “I decided to come home. Lily’s doing the raid solo.” She changed lanes and accelerated. At least traffic wasn’t so bad today, which in LA was practically a miracle in and of itself.

  “Come home? Why?” Suspicion colored James’ voice.

  Saw right through me, huh?

  “I…had my reasons,” Shay replied.

  James grunted. “I just wanted to call you to let you know there’s a little problem, but you don’t have to worry. I’ve got it under control.”

  Shay groaned. “Motherfucking son of a bitch. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Who just tried to kill you? Did you get them? Did you leave one alive so we can at least interrogate him?”

  I don’t know if it’s my killer’s intuition or my woman’s intuition.

  “No one has tried to kill me,” James explained. “I’m going to kill someone at Happy Magic Land Amusement Park.”

  “Wait for me. I’ll meet you there.” Shay could hear the dog barking over the phone. “Are you seriously taking your dog to a fight?”

  James sighed. “I was taking him to the vet, but I found out I had to go to the amusement park.”

  “Just fucking wait for me, damn it.”

  “Nope. It’s the Council. We didn’t finish them, and they’re gonna attack at noon.” James let out a low growl. “Fucking cowards.”

  Shay sucked in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I know it sounds weird coming from me of all people, but you really need to call the cops in.”

  “Can’t. If I call the cops the person who told me is dead, and maybe others. Can’t fuck her over like that.”

  Her? Not Tyler, then. Maria, maybe?

  Shay groaned. “Please at least tell me you’re not going there to take on the Council all by yourself.”

  She made a hard turn, cutting someone off. They honked at her, but she ignored them and accelerated. The amusement park. It’d be damned hard for her to get there by noon; she’d have to speed half the way.

  Hope the cops leave me the fuck alone.

  “Nope,” James rumbled. “Trey, the boys, and Maria are on their way. Just no cops. Don’t worry, we’ve got this shit.”

  Shay barked a laugh. “And you’re going to fight the Council around thousands of people? That sounds like a fucking moronic idea.”

  James muttered something under his breath. “I’ll clear them out.”

  “How?”

  He grunted. “You all keep telling me I’m a celebrity. I’ll figure something out with that.” Another bark sounded in the background. “It’s okay, boy.” His voice sounded distant as he said it before growing louder with his next statement. “I’m sorry it worked out this way, but shit happens. See you soon. Won’t guarantee I won’t kill everybody before you show up.”

  Shay sighed. “Don’t die before I get there.”

  “Sure. That won’t be a problem.” James ended the call.

  Shay resisted the urge to pound her phone on the dashboard. Sometimes she wondered if the universe was just fucking with them.

  James sighed as he waited for the response on the other end of the phone. After Shay’s surprise return he’d made a call to Heather, and he knew she’d be confused by what he needed from her.

  She blew out a breath. “So let me get this straight. You want me to make sure that no one can call out of the amusement park, and that’s despite the fact you’re running straight toward the Council?”

  “Yeah. I don’t want the cops there until I’ve finished off the Council. I’ll make them evacuate the park, though.”

  Heather sighed. “James, this sounds very, very dangerous.”

  “I know, but I’m not about to fuck over the person who told me. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t know this shit was going down, and we’d have had no chance of saving anyone.”

  “Fine.” Heather muttered something under her breath. “I’ll stop anyone from calling out.”

  “Thanks. I’ve got my guys coming, too. Don’t worry, I’ve got this shit.

  Heather snorted. “I’m sure that’s carved on the tombstones of a lot of men.” She ended the call.

  Find strong enemies, the amulet whispered in James’ mind. Find strong enemies, kill them, and adapt. Grow stronger. Achieve primary directive.

  Yeah, yeah. Just let me fucking concentrate. Now I get why I should never wear you when I’m driving.

  James narrowed his eyes as he changed lanes. This whole day was turning into complete and utter bullshit. He was supposed to be going to the vet, not dealing with crazy magical-asshole terrorist attacks. About the only upside he could see was that if Kathy wasn’t blowing smoke up his ass, it was the Council and he could still score supplemental bounties from the feds.

  If they can do this sort of shit, that means He Who Hunts is probably still around. If that fucker isn’t there this time, I’ll pay every fucking informant on this planet until they point me at him and I can fucking finish him off. The Council’s pissing me off more than the Harriken.

  Yes, Whispy Doom hissed. Increase power for advanced mode.

>   Shut the fuck up.

  The amulet continued to murmur in his head, delighted over the imminent violence and death.

  The dog barked happily in the back seat. He was in a better mood since they’d changed direction. James wondered if the dog somehow sensed he wouldn’t have to go to the vet now.

  “We’re going to a war zone, boy. This isn’t a good thing, and you’re still gonna have to get those shots.”

  James was close now, just a couple more minutes until he arrived at the amusement park. If he had known he was going to take on the Council, he would have armed up better, but at least he had the amulet and all his men coming. Hell, even Shay.

  Guess she was right.

  He snorted. The only thing he still couldn’t understand was why the Council, He Who Hunts, or whoever was responsible for all the recent incidents was so obsessed with targeting him and LA. It made no sense, given how much pain he and his men already had inflicted on them.

  Maybe this shit is just revenge. They should have waited until I was in some cave in Mexico or some shit instead of fucking up a barbeque place, killing innocent people in my city, and now even fucking up my errands with my dog.

  James let out a little growl, and the amulet grew more excited.

  His F-350 roared into the vast parking lot of the amusement park. He didn’t bother to look for a spot, instead zooming straight toward the entrance with the help of jerking wheel movements. Several angry motorists honked at him, and the dog barked a few times, his tail thumping against the back seat.

  “This shit isn’t a ride, boy.”

  James slammed on the brakes, the truck screeching to a halt near the entrance. A mass of confused families stared at him like he was a lunatic, several pointing and frowning, some taking pictures.

  He threw open the door and jumped out. He’d taken a few steps when he grimaced. It might have been fall, but the southern California sun was still doing its best to keep things warm. He didn’t want to leave his rescue dog in the truck on a warm day.

  James opened the back door and grabbed the dog’s leash. The dog leapt out with a bark, and the pair rushed forward.

  Every time someone turned to complain, their eyes widened, and they stepped aside.

  “It’s James Brownstone,” one man shouted.

  A woman pointed. “Woah, wait. It’s him, the Scourge of Harriken.”

  “Is he hunting a bounty here?” a teen asked. “Oh, man. I’m gonna get to see him kick some guy’s ass in person.”

  James ran past the ticket counter toward the turnstile leading into the park.

  The confused attendant blinked a few times at him. “Um, sir, I’m going to have to see your ticket. Even if you are, well, you, Mr. Brownstone.”

  James grunted. “Get me a motherfucking manager right away. We need to evacuate this park.”

  20

  Another F-350 and two Expeditions rolled up to the front of the amusement park, each filled with heavily-armed bounty hunters.

  Trey was the first out and frowned as streams of people rushed from the park, some crying, but no one screaming. He looked up. No smoke. No distant sounds of gunfire or explosions. That was a good sign, and they still had a few minutes until the deadline.

  The other men and Maria disembarked, and Trey gestured toward the park and the sea of fleeing visitors.

  “Let’s go find the big man.” Trey rushed forward.

  The fleeing crowds parted for the advancing mass of bounty hunters.

  “Thank God, it’s the police,” shouted a man.

  “No, no, I think that’s the military,” another man called.

  “We’re the motherfucking Brownstone Agency,” Trey yelled.

  The men forced their way past the fleeing crowds and through the turnstiles until they arrived at a red brick plaza. A massive castle tower stood in the distance, and various paths of different-colored brick ran off from the main plaza. Electronic signs talking about everything from camera rules to events in other parts of the park filled the plaza, along with discarded wrappers, toys, and bags. The people fleeing weren’t doing their best to keep the park clean.

  James stood in the center of the plaza with a frown, his head moving back and forth, searching for enemies. His dog was on a leash that had been tied off around a nearby signpost. He barked and ran back and forth, his tail wagging in excitement.

  Trey blinked at the sight of the dog.

  James turned and jogged toward his men. “Deadline’s almost up, but most of the park is already cleared. There might be holdouts, so make sure you don’t fucking shoot anything that moves; only the Council or weird-ass monsters.” James frowned and looked at his men. “This everybody in LA.?”

  Trey shook his head. “Too short a notice, big man. Got other guys coming, but some of them are trapped way the fuck out there. You know LA traffic. Could go smooth, could be molasses. We’ve got fourteen guys total, not counting you and Maria.”

  James grunted. “We need to get a VTOL plane or a helicopter or some shit.” He nodded to Maria. “It’ll have to be enough. This is a simple job. Search and fucking destroy. You won’t be able to use your phones because I’ve got Heather blocking communications. I’ve got my fucking reasons if Trey didn’t already tell you, and I don’t want to go into the—”

  The entire area shook, and massive spires of scarlet energy shot up from different points in the park twitching and shaking, pairs reaching for each other. Swirling, scintillating portals appeared in the sky over the park, eight in total. The portals descended until the bounty hunters couldn’t see them in the distance.

  “What the fuck?” Trey shouted.

  The other men murmured excitedly.

  James narrowed his eyes. “They don’t look like the kind of portals the Council was using before. Anything might come out of those.”

  Maria shook her head and pointed as a father ran past, his toddler in his arms and his wife right behind him. “There are still way too many civilians in this place.” She pointed to the portals in turn. “Eight of the damned things, but they’re not all in one place. We should split into four teams and sweep the park. There’s got to be some way to knock out the portals, and we know some monsters or shit are about to come out.” She pointed to a huge map nearby. “Animal Town, Fantasyville, Robotown, and Princess Island. Four zones. Four teams.”

  Trey glanced at James. He made the call in the end, but Maria’s plan sounded pretty damned good to him.

  James grunted. “I’m my own team. I’ll take Animal Town.” He turned and started to jog away. “The rest of you do what you need to, but if you get outclassed, fucking retreat and find another team to back you up. Watch each other’s backs.”

  Trey watched his boss run off before shaking his head to clear it. “I’ll lead a team, Maria another, and Max the last team. Let’s do this shit, boys.” He pulled his rifle off his shoulder. “Time to save some childhood dreams, motherfuckers.”

  James charged along the colorful balloon-lined yellow-brick path leading into animal town. The plaza gave way to huge statues of animals both anthropomorphized and regular, along with more fleeing families and employees, none paying him the smallest attention. Several screams sounded in the distance, and he ran toward them.

  Fucking Council. Fucking He Who Hunts. What, you threw a few guys at me, and then fucking chicken out after that shit and pull this crap?

  Employees in animal mascot costumes rushed down the path, fleeing from a pair of what looked like alligator men. If it were a movie, the entire situation would have looked ridiculous.

  At least the Council is keeping this theme shit appropriate.

  James whipped up his .45 and put two rounds into each alligator man, hoping he wouldn’t need any anti-magic bullets. The monsters jerked and fell to the ground. He grunted, satisfied with the kills.

  There was a loud and distracting hum. One of the portals, most likely.

  He jogged further into Animal Town and growled. A pack of eyeless, mouthless, an
d naked pale-skinned humanoids with long spindly arms tipped with sharp claws rushed around the central square of Animal Town, splashing through the central fountain to throw themselves at costumed employees.

  The sound of tearing fabric filled the air, and if he didn’t know better, the sound of scraping metal. None of the employees were screaming, even though he could hear shouts and screams in the distance. They also weren’t moving. Were they already dead? He didn’t see much in the way of blood until he spotted a security guard slumped against a shave ice stand, his blood-soaked chest shredded.

  You fuckers.

  James emptied his .45 into the enemy, each ripper monster gaining a new hole in the head or the chest as he put them down. He slapped a new magazine in and frowned. Because of the time limitations he hadn’t had access to his full armory, only his emergency supplies in the truck—in this case a tactical vest, along with a combat knife, a few extra magazines, and a small number of grenades. The supplies also included healing potions for himself and a spare one for humans, and since he always carried one anyway these days, that meant two for him, but that would be more than enough in normal circumstances.

  I’m probably gonna need advanced mode to finish every Council asshole off.

  Insufficient energy for advanced transformation, Whispy Doom noted.

  James rushed over to one of the victims, a duck man in some sort of naval uniform. He blinked once he looked down. He assumed the anthropomorphic duck was one of the employees in a costume, but now that he was close, he could see the exposed circuitry. Just a mindless robot. Quick checks of the other downed characters confirmed the same. The stupid Council monsters had wasted time killing machines, meaning there was only one real victim in the square.

  He glanced again at the dead security guard, then noticed the man’s chest was still rising and falling James hurried to the victim and pulled out his human healing potion.

  If I die later, pal, you better name your kid after me.

  James forced the man’s mouth open and poured the potion down this throat, watching and waiting. Thirty seconds later, his wounds closed, the security guard’s eyes flickered open, and he shot up, eyeing the bounty hunter with suspicion.