She got to her feet with a groan, her muscles complaining about the uncomfortable position she had forced them to maintain. As she rose, she grasped Jamie’s limp hands and pulled her to her unsteady feet. A small moan of protest escaped from her lips but she went along quietly when Ryan stooped to pick her up. Ryan carried her precious bundle to the bed, settling her softly onto the worn quilt that covered the surface. Holding Jamie upright with one hand, she efficiently tugged her dress over her head before she allowed her to collapse limply. Ryan smiled fondly at her partner, not surprised that she was nearly sound asleep already. She snuggled up next to her and pulled her close to her body, holding her in her arms until she sank into a deep sleep.
A half-hour later, Jamie blinked her eyes open to find Ryan's smiling face looking down at her. "Hi," she said, a yawn escaping her mouth along with the greeting. "Whatcha thinking?"
"I was thinking about how incredibly happy I am," she said with a gentle smile, trailing her index finger across Jamie’s features, following each dip and curve.
"How happy are you?" Jamie asked, letting out a little grunt as she turned over and rested her chin on her palms.
"I'm happier than I think I've ever been," Ryan said honestly, lying down flat on the bed and gazing at the ceiling contemplatively. "I was lying here with you in my arms, all cuddled up tight. There was a gentle, warm breeze blowing over us and the sun was making pretty little patterns on your skin. I'd just made love with you, and I could smell your delightful scent every time the breeze blew by my face. A feeling of complete and utter contentment came over me. It was kind of a God moment," she said softly, smiling down at her lover. "Do you know what I mean?"
Jamie gave her a warm smile and said simply, "Yes, I think I do." She turned towards Ryan and placed several delicate kisses on her lips. "I’ve had moments where I feel…like I’m experiencing some kind of peak sensation. Like a form of …perfection."
Ryan nodded slightly, pleased that her partner understood what she was speaking of. "It was a perfectly peaceful moment, Jamie. I felt completely loved…completely happy. There wasn’t one thing that I could add to make the experience more perfect. It felt like I imagine God intended us to experience love."
Jamie was too touched to speak, so she rolled over onto her back and lifted her arm, urging Ryan to rest her head against her chest. She slid her fingers into the long, black hair and massaged Ryan’s head for a few moments, humming softly as she did so. "I have those moments too," she whispered after a long while, finally trusting her voice. "I’ve never thought about them as God moments, but that describes them perfectly. It’s a wonderful gift you’ve given me, Ryan…letting me see God in you."
Ryan graced her with a beatific smile, tucking her head back down after their eyes had shared the moment. Jamie continued to stroke her head, the tune coming to her again as she once again hummed softly into her lover’s ear. It didn’t take long for the soothing head rub and the gentle song to lull Ryan to sleep, her left hand rising unbidden to gently cover Jamie’s breast.
Ryan didn’t sleep long, but she still needed to complete her entire stretching routine, to the delight of Jamie’s appreciative gaze. She was almost finished when her frisky lover pushed her onto her back and fixed her with a devilish gleam in her eyes. "Now where were we," she asked as she started to attack her lover's lips.
Ryan returned her kisses and softly grasped Jamie’s hands when they started to stray. "I'm gonna need a little longer to reload," Ryan said with a slight blush coloring her cheeks.
"But....I didn't...."
"I did," she admitted with a guilty little smirk as she shrugged her shoulders. "I couldn't help myself."
"Oh, you poor baby," she said as she rubbed her hand down Ryan's arm. "I fell asleep on you when you were all turned on. I’m so sorry, Honey."
"I didn't mind," she said happily. "It's been weeks since I flew solo. It was kinda nice."
Jamie tweaked her nose and gave her a mock scowl. "Are you implying that you can live without my talented hands?"
"Nope. I need your hands like I need air. But touching myself reminded me of when I was young and used to race home from school to do it."
"This was when?" Jamie asked, an impish grin covering her face. "Kindergarten?"
Ryan rolled her eyes at her partner’s exaggeration. "No, wise guy," she laughed. "I’d say sixth grade."
Jamie laughed at that little fact. "I’m quite sure I didn’t know that I even had a clitoris in sixth grade. You’ve got me beat by at least three years."
Ryan gave her a satisfied smirk and declared, "I’m an overachiever."
"Of that I’m certain," Jamie agreed, getting a good tickle in on her partner’s ribs. "Why do you think touching yourself made you think of that?"
"I used to daydream about having someone I loved in bed with me. Today I had just what I'd dreamed of."
"Tell me about your dreams," Jamie begged, fascinated by this revelation.
Ryan stared at the ceiling for a moment, trying to summon her inner twelve-year-old. "I didn’t have real specific dreams," she recalled. "I just dreamed about being held and kissed. I wasn’t real sure what people did in bed, but I knew there had to be a lot of touching involved, and I was all in favor of that."
They both laughed at this scenario, silently acknowledging that Ryan’s tastes hadn’t strayed far from that fantasy. "Were your fantasies always like that?" Jamie was absently playing with the soft skin on Ryan’s forearm, tracing the faint blue veins that barely showed under the skin.
"Hardly." Ryan laughed, assuming that her partner was joking. When she saw that she wasn’t, she explained. "My fantasies changed as I grew up, Honey. I’d have to say that I generally fantasize about something I’d like to do, but haven’t been able to accomplish."
"Like?" The look on Jamie’s face was one of pure fascination, and Ryan smiled at the interest her lover was showing in the smallest details of her life.
"Like…" Ryan drawled, "I’d think about touching a woman’s breasts when I was in high school. I didn’t make the connection that I was gay—they just seemed very erotic to me."
"Me too," Jamie happily agreed.
Ryan smiled at her, acknowledging the truth of that statement. "My fantasies just kinda kept pace with what I did. The last few years I’d usually fantasize about having unprotected sex. God I missed that!" She barked out a laugh that slowly turned to a confused look, then into shock. "Shit!" she cried, sitting up completely, her eyes wide with alarm.
"Honey, what’s wrong?" Jamie sat up also and placed her hand on Ryan’s arm, trying to figure out what had her partner so spooked.
"Shit!" Ryan cried again, hopping out of bed to pace in a tight circle. "I can’t believe I did that!"
"Ryan…RYAN!" That got her attention, and the agitated woman stopped and stared at her partner with a resigned look of self-contempt.
"I lied to you, Jamie. I told you I had not had unprotected sex in years—I lied to you."
She looked so bereft that Jamie went to her and wrapped her in a hug. "Tell me, Baby. Tell me what happened."
Ryan was obviously very angry with herself, and she shrugged out of Jamie’s embrace and nearly flung herself onto the loveseat. "You know about the incident," she muttered. "It was that woman in the vintage clothing store on Telegraph. Remember?"
Jamie nodded, clearly recalling Ryan’s description of the extremely casual sexual encounter with the shop owner. "Go on," she urged.
"I had unprotected sex with her," Ryan muttered, providing no useful information at all.
"I understand that," Jamie said, sitting down on the bed to give her partner some space. "I just don’t understand why you’re so upset about it."
Ryan looked at her like she was daft. "Because I lied to you!"
"Ryan," Jamie soothed. "Did you intentionally lie to me?"
"Of course not," she muttered, acknowledging that she would never do such a thing about an important issue. "It…I…I’m just mad
at myself for doing something stupid like that. I just wasn’t in my right mind at the time."
Now Jamie was puzzled. She distinctly remembered that Ryan told her this encounter took place in the store, right before school started last year. She also remembered that the woman didn’t touch Ryan sexually, so she could not understand the comment about not being in her right mind. "Were you drunk?"
"Drunk?" Once again, Ryan gave her a puzzled stare. "It was the middle of the afternoon, Jamie, and I haven’t been drunk in years."
"Were you doing drugs?" They had never discussed drug use, but Jamie was nearly certain that Ryan would not abuse her body or her mind with untested substances.
Now Ryan’s puzzlement grew. "Drugs? I’ve never done drugs in my life!"
"For God’s sake, Ryan, then will you tell me what in the hell you’re talking about? I’m out of guesses!"
Ryan rubbed at her face with her hands, realizing that she was being unresponsive, but not really wanting to talk about this issue right now. "I’m sorry, Honey," she said softly, as she patted the seat next to her. "Come sit by me and I’ll explain."
Jamie did as she was asked, placing her hand on the top of Ryan’s spine when the taller woman leaned over to brace her forearms atop her knees. "It was right before school started," she said softly, providing facts that Jamie already knew. "I hadn’t…been with anybody since the…accident."
Jamie nearly asked what accident Ryan was referring to, but she quickly realized she was talking about being gay-bashed. Remembering that the attack occurred just after the AIDS Ride, Jamie murmured, "That was a long time, Baby."
"I know," Ryan conceded. "It happened around the third week of June, and I didn’t feel like having anyone touch me for at least six weeks. I couldn’t work, of course, and I kinda lost my normal support network since I didn’t see my friends at work or at the clubs. It’s hard to explain, Jamie, but I didn’t feel like myself for a very long time. It wasn’t just the pain or the discomfort—I felt like those guys took something very important from me."
Thinking of what an attack like that would do to her, Jamie posited, "Did they take your sense of safety and security?"
Ryan shook her head. "No, they took my confidence. I didn’t feel confident about myself, or my abilities. I started to doubt that I’d ever feel sexual again." She closed her eyes and shook her head harder, her long dark hair cascading down her shoulders as she did so. "I had absolutely no interest in seeing any of my buddies, and meeting someone new was actually terrifying for me. I just spent a lot of time reading and sitting at the park—I had totally turned inward."
"What snapped you out of it?" Jamie asked, recalling the supremely confident woman she'd met in late August.
Ryan laughed ruefully, as she admitted, "Being with that woman in the shop, to be honest. I didn’t have time to think, or worry, or be afraid that she’d want to talk about it."
It became clear to Jamie why her partner did not take solace with any of her regular "buddies". They were obviously worried about her, and would have naturally wanted to see how she was doing—something that Ryan apparently hadn't been able to handle. "Then you should be glad that you had that encounter with her," Jamie soothed, running her hand up and down Ryan’s back.
"I guess I am," she admitted. "I’m just mad at myself for having unsafe sex. I didn’t even stop to think about it, to tell you the truth. I’d spent years counseling kids to avoid the situations where they feel out of control, and the first time I’m in the same situation, I gave in immediately."
"Honey, don’t be so hard on yourself," Jamie soothed. "Do you remember what you were thinking?"
Ryan nodded. "I needed the intimacy," she said softly. "I needed to touch someone in the most intimate way I could. I needed to taste another living being to remind myself that I was alive. I didn’t just want to give her a sexual release, I needed to fill myself up with her taste—even though I didn’t know her. The mere fact that she was alive made me feel more alive." She flopped back against the cushion and gazed at Jamie with a pathetically fragile look on her face. "Does that make any sense?"
"Perfect," Jamie whispered, pulling Ryan against her chest and running her fingers through her hair again, inadvertently feeling the small knot of scar tissue that would always mark her head. "Please don’t be angry with yourself, Ryan. You did the best you could at the time."
"But I put myself, and you, at risk, Honey," she started to protest, but Jamie silenced her by placing two fingers upon her lips.
"You didn’t put me at risk, Ryan. You had yourself thoroughly checked out before we made love. And while I understand that it’s risky to have oral sex without a barrier, you weren’t harmed, so give up the guilt, Baby."
Ryan nodded, much relieved that Jamie did not think less of her for being so cavalier with her health. "Thanks for understanding, Jamie. I just want you to know that being with that woman like that was really rare for me. I might not have known some of the women I was with very well, but they were usually friends of friends or people that I knew at least a little. I had very little anonymous sex."
"It doesn’t matter, Ryan," Jamie assured her. "The past is past and you can’t change it now. All that matters is that we’re together now…and that we will be for the rest of our lives."
Ryan offered a small smile, once again feeling her equilibrium return. "That’s an undeniable truth," she whispered, placing a tender kiss upon her partner’s lips.
"Are you sure that you want to do this?" Ryan cast yet another puzzled glance at her partner, searching her eyes for any sign of hesitancy.
"Why is it so surprising that I’d want to go to church with you and help watch Caitlin?" Jamie asked, finally tiring of Ryan’s persistent questioning.
The taller woman gave one of her adorably incongruous adolescent shrugs and looked slightly embarrassed at being caught in an insecure moment. "I guess I assume that you’d want to go to your grandfather’s church, Honey. You’ve been going there your whole life, and I know you really enjoy it."
Jamie approached her partner and fluffed her dark bangs, smiling at their current propensity to land in her blue eyes. "You’ve been going to St. Philip’s since you were born, Ryan. Switching to my church would be a big change for you, too, so don’t act like you wouldn’t have to sacrifice to go with me."
"But it’s your grandfather’s parish," Ryan whined, unwilling to let go of her concern.
"I know that, Love," Jamie agreed. "But your whole extended family goes to St. Philip’s, and I think that’s really nice. I love my grandfather dearly, but I’m not really a part of the parish—I’ve been going alone since I could drive, and I’ve always missed the sense of family that makes communal worship so appealing. Besides," she insisted, wrapping Ryan in a hug, "Your aunt really wants Caitlin to start attending church, and since Tommy and Annie won’t go, I’d like to help her out."
"Have I ever told you that you’re too generous for your own good?" Ryan murmured, holding Jamie close and taking in her calming scent.
"I don’t believe you have," she replied, nuzzling her head into Ryan’s neck. "Why don’t you prepare a list of all of my wonderful attributes, and you can recite them to me when I get back from playing golf." She lifted her head to reveal her impish grin, and Ryan planted soft kisses on every inch that was revealed as Jamie turned her head from side to side to insure full coverage. "We’d better scoot, Babe. Your Aunt Maeve doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who would appreciate our being late."
"Not when she’s got the Hibernians waiting on her," Ryan agreed, referring to the Catholic social club for women of Irish descent. Maeve was the current chairwoman of one of the committees, and her group was sponsoring the bake sale after Mass, leaving Caitlin without a minder until Jamie and Ryan stepped up to offer to watch her.
After a joint shower— which, remarkably, did not devolve into sex--and a quick breakfast, they stood in front of the closet and tried to decide what to wear. Brendan had dropped in during b
reakfast and decided to accompany the pair, and he agreed to go fetch the baby from Maeve while they got dressed. Jamie decided to wear a moderately casual yellow linen dress, but Ryan was in a quandary. Brendan had on a long-sleeved light blue oxford cloth shirt and a pair of chinos, and she didn't want to look underdressed in comparison with her companions, but she refused to wear a skirt. She finally decided to wear a pair of slim-fitting slacks in a white cotton duck, with a sleeveless v-neck cardigan in a black cotton knit to top the slacks. Stylish black loafers finished off the surprisingly casual outfit.
Jamie watched her get dressed, eyeing her appreciatively. She thought her partner’s attire was far too casual for church, but she was not going to say a word. Ryan looked absolutely luscious, and if she was comfortable in her outfit, it was perfectly all right with Jamie. She went over to a small jewelry box that she had brought from Berkeley and pulled out a string of pearls and placed them around Ryan's neck. As she hooked the clasp, she stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on her neck. "Perfect," she said appreciatively as she turned her partner around and looked her up and down. She would have chosen gold accessories for this outfit, but Ryan still wore the sapphire diamonds, and the pearls seemed to work better with the platinum setting. That's a good idea for her birthday, Jamie thought. A platinum necklace in the same design as the settings for the earrings.
"I truly love the way you look in that dress," Ryan said as she held her lover at arm’s length to study her. "The color brings out all of the different highlights in your hair. I don't know how I'm going to be able to think of anything but you today."
"You think you have problems? I get to think of just how little there is between me and your breasts all day. And I didn't get to munch on them yesterday, you little devil."
"Hey! I didn’t force you to fall asleep on me…" Ryan began, but stopped at Jamie’s expression of challenge, and smiled when she realized that she had indeed forced her partner into a near-stupor. "Well, okay, maybe I did. I have definitely gotta plan better," she muttered, putting on a mock glower.
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