by Sylvia Ryan
“Parts of a couple of southern states, some in New England, and up in the Pacific Northwest are okay. Not much more than that.”
They stood in silence, watching the bustle of activity. Ben found Julia in the crowd. She was on her knees hugging one of the little girls. The girl’s face was clean and her hair was brushed and gathered into a ponytail.
“Are all of you related?”
“Nope. We were walking by each other on our way out of the city. As we went along, we eventually started talking. Well, our wives started talking. Then when the gangs started terrorizing families for their food, water”—he leaned in closer to Ben—“women,” he whispered. “We made alliances and protected the group as a whole. That’s not to say that it’s been all smooth sailing. We’ve lost two people, one of the men and a newborn, but compared to some, we’re living the good life.”
“You’re only about fifty miles away from Columbus. You should make it.”
“Should we continue on this road or turn around?”
“Keep going. You’re way off the beaten path. It should be safe for you to stop for the night on this road before you turn west toward Columbus.”
Chuck nodded. “Thank you for this.”
“It’s no problem.”
Ben and Chuck shook hands, and Chuck left to pack corn cobs in the stroller he was using to transport food, water, and other items.
Julia came to stand by Ben as the group was getting ready to go. Ben smiled when he saw all four of the girls in the group with clean faces, brushed hair, and ponytails. Julia had been busy. As she said her good-byes to the group when they passed on their way back to the road, she seemed to already know everybody’s name.
“Do you think they’ll be okay?”
Ben looked down at her worried face, and his gaze travelled slowly down her body. The hollow feeling in his stomach attacked him out of nowhere. The short invasion of the group had distracted him from everything he had been struggling with. “Yeah. They’ll be fine.” Ben tried hard to smile down reassuringly in her direction.
As the group disappeared down the road, the twisted feelings of regret and loss settled in again.
Chapter 8
Later that night, Julia, Ben, and Arden sat in the living room, lit by two candles, snacking on a tray of odds and ends picked from the garden. They were drinking some booze Arden had found. Apparently it was an old stash of his father’s.
Julia’s breakdown had dissipated after sex with Arden. The short visit from the families, and the small amount of help they were able to provide, turned the tide on the day for her. She even started to feel satisfied that she could actually hold her own with an attacker—something that had never been tested at the prison with all the COs around to do the physical shit.
Ben seemed different somehow. But he still teased her relentlessly about being a bad motherfucker and asked Arden to remind him never to get her mad.
The conversation eventually moved from reviewing the day to other topics. Cold weather and final supply needs were the topic the men finally landed on and stuck to for a while. They were developing a list of supplies they had to go in search of before the first snow came and settled over the area.
Julia stepped outside to get some air. She was a little buzzed and a lot strung out from the day. She found a soft grassy spot just off the back porch and lay on her back looking up at the brilliant display of stars and listening to the night sounds of the country.
She thought about being with Arden that morning. What the hell was she doing? She’d been trying to stay neutral toward both men, except for the good fucking she’d gotten from Arden this afternoon. Yeah, real neutral Julia. She still didn’t want to jeopardize her place here by creating tension between them. But, to her dismay, even after what happened between Arden and her today, there was an appalling lack of tension between the men. Ben was still eating her with his eyes, and Arden didn’t seem to care. Selfishly, she didn’t want Ben to stop, but she wanted Arden to care, even if it was just a little. And there it was. She’d been telling herself to stay neutral because it was the right thing to do, but her heart wanted more. She wanted more. She wanted to be loved.
In a moment of clarity, Julia realized neither guy wanted a relationship. Neither had feelings for her, or at least not the depth of feelings she was looking for. Neither wanted love. If they did, they would care that the other guy was interested in her. She was the only one of the three that had any feelings invested here.
There was a part of her that loved to be desired by them. It felt so good, probably because she desired both of them. But she also didn’t want to just be a booty call. A diversion, that’s what she really was to them. To be fair, she’d never given any indication that she wanted more from either man. She treated them like a diversion, too.
Julia always felt like she would know when a man was totally right for her because he would pursue her despite her not giving away her feelings to him. He would work for her attention. Put himself out there. Take a risk. So far in her life, that had never happened with any man who had their shit together enough for her to be interested. Men she had dated who did have their shit together had not been interested enough to put any great effort into making her his own.
Arden and Ben were no different. They would take what she gave them, like this afternoon with Arden. A little sweet talk and a vulnerable moment was all he needed. No feelings involved. No strings attached. She was a boy toy. A slut. A joke.
Where was her self-respect? Just because she had feelings for a man didn’t mean it was okay to just let him use her. Julia was ashamed of herself. Living with these two men had made her soft, emotional. Saying no had never been a problem for her before. She needed to go back to that mindset. No exceptions.
She needed to harden her heart, because if love only goes one way, then it’s not really love, it’s just pathetic.
* * * *
“Shit, Arden,” Ben said as soon as he thought Julia was out of hearing range. The men looked at each other. “It’s time to hash this out.”
“I agree. You have feelings for her?” Arden asked.
Ben nodded reluctantly. “You’re my best friend, Arden, always have been, always will be. I never want a woman to get in the way of that. I should leave.”
“Not an option, Ben, and you fucking know it.”
“If I stay, this situation is going to destroy us, man,” Ben said as he focused hard on Arden. “We’re going to be here a long time, the three of us.” Ben ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “I’m not sure I can be happy for you, like I should. I feel like shit.”
“I think you’re jumping ahead of yourself here. I see the way she gets flushed every time you look at her. It’s obvious to me that I’m not the only person she wants,” Arden said. “And damn, I can see how you feel about her. Your dick gets just as hard as mine every time she walks by. She’s easy to fall in love with, I guess.” There was a long silence, and then Arden continued. “What do you want to do? We have to take control now, make a decision, and stick with it. We’re best friends, and if we keep just letting things happen, I think you’re right, we’re done for. And you leaving is not an option.”
“Maybe we could both make her happy,” Ben said absently, as if his words were mostly for his own consumption.
Arden looked at Ben, eyes narrowed. Thoughtful. He smirked as if, like a super villain, he was mulling over an evil plan. “You know, the day I found her, I went through her backpack. At the very bottom I found a book. A romance novel.” His smirk broadened to a full-blown smile, white teeth flashing in the dim light of the family room. “I was bored as shit, so I read it. It was like hard core porn. It definitely wasn’t boy meets girl, falls in love, and they live happily ever after. It was more like boy meets girl, ties her up, and takes her up the ass in front of a room full of people. It was very, very bad,” he said, still smiling from ear to ear.
Ben laughed out loud at his example. “So what are you saying, Arden?
She’d be open to a perpetual threesome? Because there’s a big difference between reading porn and having a relationship…loving two men at the same time.”
“Why not? Think about it. She would get twice the love, protection, attention, affection.”
“Why would you even want to? She’s obviously into you. You don’t need to settle for less, to share her.”
“I already told you I know she wants you, too, at least some of the time. Come on, we all know it. It’s not a big secret. It would be the best of both worlds for her. If she could trust us, and we could trust each other, there’s no reason we couldn’t try.”
“Arden, you already know I’ll never trust anybody more than you.” Ben paused. “You really think she’d consider both of us?”
“I don’t know. It’s possible. She’s definitely open-minded.”
“We’d have to make some ground rules between us to make it work,” Ben said.
“All in good time. Let’s start slow, see what kind of vibe we get and work from there.”
“Yeah, okay.”
A long silence stretched out between them.
“Hey, I don’t want to be a buzzkill, but you’ve been gone for almost two years, are you, ah, clean?”
“Clean as in do I have AIDS or some shit?”
“Yeah.”
“I always use a condom, my man. Always. Not that I’ve had much of an opportunity. I’ve been in prison for eighteen months, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you that I wasn’t screwing anybody there.” He chuckled. “Not that I wasn’t offered the opportunity on occasion.”
“Well, I only have two condoms here. I’ve obviously been with her without one. I’m not worried about her getting pregnant though. She had a brand-new 90-day supply of the pill in her backpack when she got here.”
Ben shook his head, thoughtful, silent, then said, “Well, we don’t even know if she’s going to be into me. I’ll make a few advances and see what happens. I’ll cross the other bridge if and when I get to it.”
When they were done hammering out some details, Arden went up to bed.
Ben, who had gone to the kitchen several times during their conversation to see if Julia was okay, went to get her when she didn’t return inside. She was sleeping in the grass.
He studied her. So tiny. Her face was peaceful. It was hard to believe she’d killed a man that day. His heart convulsed in distress. She could have been killed. Taken from him with—his racing mind screeched to a dead stop. She was not his…yet.
Did she really have feelings for him, too? Hope bloomed. He would find out for sure before he decided to leave.
Bending over to pick her up, his head hovered above hers. Her lush, beckoning lips were parted. He ached to kiss her. He cradled her body in his arms. Her face settled against his chest.
As he went through the door and started up the stairs, she said, “What’s with you guys and carrying me around all the time? I have feet you know.”
He looked down to answer. She hadn’t opened her eyes, and her head was still snuggled against him. He chuckled. “Shut it,” he said softly.
She smiled.
He brought her into her room and laid her on the bed.
“Do you want me to take your clothes off, too?” he growled.
She smiled again. “Don’t get me started. You may not like how it ends.”
“Oh? Maybe not, but you will,” he teased.
For a moment, silence spread between them.
Julia rolled to her side, facing away from him. “Ben?”
“Yeah?”
“The way you look at me… I like it.”
“I know you do.” He covered her with the quilt and stroked her hair.
“But I think you should stop,” Julia said. “It’s making life harder for me here. My feelings are all tied up and confused. I’ve tried so hard to stay away from both of you, but I haven’t done a very good job. This is eventually going to cause trouble. It’s wrong. Everything is a mess, the three of us here. The way I feel about you two. No matter how much respect we have for each other, eventually somebody is going to end up getting hurt. I’m afraid that someone is going to be me.”
Ben let out a soft breath and lay down beside her. “We are all each other have, Julia. Nobody’s going to get hurt here. Neither Arden nor I would ever let that happen. You mean too much to us, and our friendship means too much to us.” He leaned over and brushed his lips gently on the sensitive spot behind her ear.
“Now go back to sleep.”
Ben curled his body around her. She was warm and safe in his arms. He burned the moment into his brain so it would be there to keep him company no matter what the outcome of their current plans for her.
The next morning when Ben woke, Julia was tucked into him. She was pressing against his erection. He gently rubbed her back and ran his fingers through her tangled hair.
“Oh, Ben, why are you doing this?” she whispered. “I told you—”
He grabbed her around her waist and rolled her so she was facing him.
“I heard what you said. Did you hear me as well?”
“I…Yes, but—”
“No buts, Julia. You have to trust me. Us. We both care about you.”
“Yeah, you care about how soon you can get your dick in me,” she shot back.
Her comment made him angry. “You’re wrong, Julia. What you said is wrong, and you know it. You’re going to have to give us your trust to make this situation okay, not just okay for me and Arden, but okay for you too.”
“I do trust you, Ben, and God knows I want you.” Her words were barely audible. “But, Arden…Ben, you don’t understand. I just had sex with Arden yesterday. I’m not a fucking slut.” Disappointment in herself, along with a pained expression, masked her face.
“The whole county heard you have sex with Arden yesterday, Julia. But last night, I heard you say you want me, too. And nobody thinks you’re a slut.”
“But…Oh, hell, I don’t even know what to fucking say. This whole situation is making my head spin,” she said, turning her head and looking away from him.
“Don’t say anything, just relax,” he said, trailing the pads of his fingers down her body. “Let me love you, too. I want to make you come for me, Julia.”
Chapter 9
“Oh, Ben,” she whispered, “I don’t—”
“Shh.” He leaned over and kissed her. He parted her lips with his tongue. She kissed him back, reluctantly at first, then with increased passion and need. Julia had wanted Ben to kiss her for a long time. It was how she imagined it would be—overwhelming, demanding, and powerful.
He slipped his hand beneath her shirt and palmed her breast, taking full possession of it like he owned it.
“So sweet,” he whispered in her ear. “I just want to take you, own every part of you. You’re in my blood. You linger in my brain. Now I want your taste on my tongue.”
She felt his erection large, hard against her. Her body responded to his touch immediately. She arched into his hand and wetness pooled between her legs.
He quickly and expertly stripped her of her oversized T-shirt. “Oh, Julia.” He looked at her nude body with silent consideration and untempered desire in his eyes. “You’re so sexy I can barely catch my breath. I need to hear you scream my name when you come. Tell me you’ll scream my name, Julia.”
“Yes, yes,” she whispered, pulling him toward her.
By the tone of Ben’s rumbling voice, Julia sensed this was not just playtime for him. There was seriousness and intensity that flowed out of him. It electrified the air and tingled against her skin. She felt it as if it was another presence in the room.
With an easy strength, he wrapped his arm around her waist. He lifted her off the mattress and set her quickly back, face down with a pillow under her hips, ass jutting up in the air. Julia had a quick intake of breath because the move was smooth, seamless. He left her totally exposed to him as he knelt behind her.
Ben’s aggr
essiveness turned her on and opened a door within her that Arden’s touch hadn’t. In a moan of approval, she gave him her submission and hoped he could deliver on his end of the deal.
Ben got up and stood at the foot of the bed. With one smooth yank of the pillow underneath her hips, he slid Julia’s entire body toward him.
“Oh shit, Julia. Your pussy is the fucking Mona Lisa,” Ben half growled and half moaned.
Julia felt a jolt of wild recklessness being totally exposed for him, submitting her peach fuzz pussy to him to do with what he pleased.
He brushed his thumb over her clit. Her breath caught. He did it again, just a little harder, then pinched it.
Julia’s surprise at the quick pinch made her cry out in response. Then she felt his hot breath. His mouth was so close to everything she laid bare for him.
He exhaled over her while his thumb returned to its caresses. Goose bumps rose on her skin, his playful bites and subtle licks wracked her with anticipation. She leaned back toward him as her need increased.
He let out a low chuckle and answered her body’s request by sliding his tongue into her, filling her opening and exploring her vagina with his tongue. When his tongue left her for a moment, she let out a soft groan of protest. He lowered his mouth and explored her folds and slick, sensitive bud between them.
He was slow, savoring. This was not an act of duty for him like it was for so many other men. Get her off now so he didn’t have to worry if she got off later. No, it was an act of pleasure. He was in no hurry. She was sure he was enjoying himself as much as she was. He groaned while her bud was in his mouth, and the sound triggered a reaction in her.
She wasn’t thinking anymore. She just let go and felt.
She jumped in surprise when his fingers entered her without warning. She could tell he took pleasure from her surprise.
He rumbled a low laugh as he continued to explore with his tongue and fingers. He penetrated and withdrew over and over while his teeth gently but firmly nipped her clit.
