by L. M. Carr
He’s close. I feel him twitch, his cock getting harder as he pushes up onto his outstretched arms to get the angle he needs to get us both to the finish line. One. More. Hard. Thrust.
“Oh, my fucking God,” he yells with a grunt as he climaxes. My hand shoots up to cover his mouth before the kids come running. Thank God the playroom is in the finished basement or else the kids would be worried for my safety.
The full weight of Adam is stretched over me while he inhales and exhales deeply. “Am I hurting you?” he asks, breathing hard into the crook of my neck.
“Never.” I smile and kiss the side of his head.
“Dad! Mia!” Those two words send us jumping to our feet, scrambling for our clothes. With my yoga pants and shirt in hand, I dash into the sanctuary of the bathroom. Before I shut the door, I see him throw on his t-shirt and jeans and quickly straighten out the comforter over the bed to conceal our late afternoon romp. I hear the door unlock and he begins talking to Luke. Apparently the DVD player is acting up again and the movie is frozen on the screen. I make a mental note to stop at Best Buy this week to pick up an additional Christmas gift for the Lawson children. Maybe I’ll get a few new extended version movies as stocking stuffers, too.
When I wake up early Monday morning, I feel rested, the nightmare from yesterday long gone and I’m ready to face what the day will bring. I need to tuck away the emotions that are dying to surface. They will have their time, but the time is not now. The underlying tension hiding beneath my smile is a little unsettling. I can only hope that Adam doesn’t notice.
I walk quietly into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and find Adam, freshly showered, his dark wavy hair still damp. He’s standing by the large sliding door that overlooks his manicured backyard with one hand in his pocket, holding a cup of coffee in the other. I can tell he’s upset about something. Even though he’s already dressed for the day in a crisp navy suit, the stiffness in his broad shoulders causes me to wonder what has him troubled at seven o’clock in the morning. My arms snake around him, one hand goes to his rock solid abs, while the other lies against his chest close to his heart. My turned cheek rests on his back. The scent that is all Adam engulfs me. Although he doesn’t turn immediately to greet me, I know he is comforted because his body relaxes as he exhales deeply, hopefully expelling whatever’s got my beautiful man stressed.
“Good morning.” I squeeze him hard and smile into his back.
“Morning, baby.” He pulls his hand out of his pocket and laces our fingers together over his chest before raising them to his mouth and kissing them chastely.
“I missed you in bed this morning.” I remember dreaming about him and wanting to take what Dream Adam was offering, but when I rolled over to his side, he was gone and I could hear the shower running. I breathe in again, letting out a quiet moan. I feel his body shake slightly as he chuckles at my insatiability.
He finally turns to grace me with his sexy, scruff covered face and deep, dark, soulful eyes and what I see reflected in them sends my heart racing and makes butterflies dance in my belly. This man loves me. Adam loves me unconditionally as I do him. Though we’ve both been through our share of pain, heartache and loss, we now have each other. I don’t want to ever let him go.
“He got up twice last night. I think he needs some sleep meds or something.” His lips pull into a smirk when Brady yelps at the door to come in from the cold. “He’s the reason I would never get a dog.”
“What? You love him!” I slap his arm playfully. He’s such a liar; he loves that crazy dog almost as much as I do. I reach for the mug of coffee and take a sip.
He slides the door open letting Brady come in to greet me. I don’t get the usual antics of rubbing against me or running through my legs because he trots right past me to lie down on his oversized dog bed in the great room. Maybe he is a little tired today.
“I have a few errands to run this afternoon. Would you be able to pick up the kids from school?”
“Yeah, of course. Doing anything special?” he asks with a raised brow.
I choose to smile at him and take a sip of coffee instead of making up a lie.
The worry line on his face deepens when he reads an incoming text from Nora. He sighs deeply and taps out a response. I hate that he’s tangled up with this investigation especially because a DeGennaro is involved. Hopefully it’ll be over sooner rather later.
I’m pulled into his arms, his lips nestle in my neck. “I’ve got to go. Will you be okay taking the kids to school with you?”
“Yes, of course,” I toss his words right back.
“I’ll love you forever.” The keys to the Escalade are slid into his pocket before he walks out through the mudroom and into the garage.
“You better!” I yell back, blowing a kiss into the air.
***
PETE NEARLY JUMPS over the counter when he spots my Jeep pull in, waving and running out to greet Maddie and Luke as they take off their seatbelts and hop down. I offer my cheek for a kiss which misses his cheek and ends up floating in the air. Seems I come second now for Pete these days since he’s watched the kids for us a few times.
“Hi, Peter Pan!” Maddie’s arms reach around his brown apron smeared with dried, white frosting.
The smile on Pete’s face brightens. “Hi, Maddie Moo!”
“Luke the Duke, my main man!” Pete’s fingers curl into a fist to bump with Luke’s small fist and then they “explode” at the same time, sound effects included. Boys will be boys.
What the hell? Peter Pan and Maddie Moo? I make a mental note to ask him about this later.
“What are you guys having this morning? My treat! Actually it’s my father’s treat, but who cares!” Pete holds the door open in a gentlemanly manner, bowing slightly at the waist. I know Adam wouldn’t be too thrilled with the breakfast choice for the day, but we’re running behind schedule and I don’t want to be late for work. Each of the kids orders a breakfast sandwich and a donut. “You two cannot tell your dad that I let you have a donut for breakfast.” I hold Luke’s chin in my hand as I scowl, trying to hold back a smile, but my attempt is in vain. “Promise?” I ask. He smiles and nods as does his twin sister who’s already got half a jelly donut shoved in her mouth.
Once we’re seated and the kids are eating their less than nutritious breakfast, I realize that I’ve forgotten my phone on the center console so I run out to grab it. Something on the road draws my attention. I watch as a black Escalade comes into view. An angry, stone-faced Adam speeds by while Chris DeGennaro sits in the passenger seat. I am utterly confused. Yesterday, Adam had his hands around Chris’ neck and seemed like he wanted to kill him and today he’s driving through town with him. Men! I don’t understand them. I guess only women hold grudges.
By the end of the day, I’m thoroughly exhausted, physically and emotionally, and ready to head home to relax. My patience is wearing thin after the majority of parents have already come in to pick up their children and I find myself still waiting for Adam. He’s usually so punctual or would at least send me a text to let me know that he’s running late.
I gather the sign out sheets and start to walk to my classroom when the door swings open and Adam rushes in, looking slightly disheveled. The kids turn abruptly and run to him, jumping into his waiting arms. In one swift motion, he lifts both his children, one in each arm, and kisses them on the top of their heads. I’m always amazed to watch him. He really is such a loving father. Madison and Luke are lucky to call him Daddy. My heart hurts to think of the years he missed when they were beautiful newborns or teeny tiny toddlers learning to walk and talk.
“Hi,” he breathes, setting the kids down, coming over to kiss me. “I’m sorry I’m late. Things didn’t go exactly as planned.” I can only guess what that means. His involvement in the investigation is taking a toll on him, the worry line on his forehead is becoming more pronounced with each and every passing day. Even though I just found out what was really going on, I knew something wa
s going on. Sometimes when we’re alone, he drifts off to another place, lost in his private thoughts.
“It’s okay. I was just about to put the kids on Ebay and sell them to the highest bidder,” I tease, smiling at his cute kids, hoping to put a genuine smile on his face.
He slides his hand into mine as we walk back to my classroom so I can get my bags for home. I remember to close the window that I had opened earlier during my lunch break. As I turn the latch on the window, I notice his Escalade is parked in a handicap spot, but it’s the vehicle sitting across the street that has me looking closer. It’s a dark sedan with tinted windows. I’ve seen this car several times before. The first night was when I was driving to Adam’s. Other times it was parked on my street a few houses up or driving slowly near the park. I know I’m being paranoid. I’m not that interesting of a person, so who the hell would watch me? Maybe someone in our town is being featured on America’s Most Wanted. I laugh at my silly joke.
Hearing a buzz, I pick up my phone while glancing back at Adam. He’s listening to Maddie as she holds up her project, explaining what she did in art class while Luke taps the glass on the fish tank, sending the little fish swimming away for refuge in the plastic sea grass.
“You guys ready?” A small smile escapes when I read my mother’s text. I shoot her a quick response, thanking her with the promise to call her later this week. My bags are packed and I’m ready to go. I’m eager to get my errands done and get home.
Adam and the kids walk me to my Jeep. Standing at the door, he leans in, wraps his hands around me, and pulls me closer by the nape of my neck. His swift but hard kiss promises to see me later and implies all the naughty things he wants to do. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”
I wish I could say yes, but I can’t. Not yet. “I’m good. I won’t be long, but thank you.”
“Okay.” He looks into my eyes, searching for something and nods. “I love you.”
“I know, but I love you more.” I smile, feeling giddy and loved.
“Impossible,” he growls against my lips as he kisses me one last time.
Talking over his shoulder, I address the kids, “‘Bye guys. I’ll see you later. Love you.” I realize my error as soon as the words leave my mouth. It’s not that I don’t love them; I just don’t always say the words. I don’t ever want them to feel pushed or think that I’m trying to replace their mom. Maddie and Luke respond with a simple “bye.”
I pull the door shut and stare after them as they walk away to the handicap spot where he’s parked. The sky is a dull gray, a guarantee of the impending forecasted Nor’Easter storm. Throughout the day, the snow plows drove past several times, busy getting prepared, filling up with sand and salt. I add a quick stop to the grocery store to stock up on the essentials just in case school is canceled—milk, eggs, bread, orange juice and of course, brownie mix. Who’s ever heard of a snow day without brownies?
My eyes are drawn away from the keypad of my phone as I finish tapping out a message to my brother when the sound of a horn beeping startles me. I stop immediately. Adam pulls out and then stops abruptly in the middle of the parking lot. The driver’s door swings open and he steps out to open Maddie’s rear passenger door. He unbuckles her and carries her over to me. I’m a little confused. A moment of panic passes through me. Oh God, I hope he doesn’t ask if I can take her with me. I’ll feel badly for having to have to say no. I would, under normal circumstances, do anything for them, but the errands I have need to be done alone. It’s something I always do by myself.
The window slides down while Adam talks quietly to Madison. “Hey, what’s up?” I ask when I see the look on her face. She’s sullen and I’m not sure why. “You okay, honey?”
Her brown eyes shift to meet mine, and she smiles sheepishly. “I’m okay. I just . . .” She scrambles forward, leaning in through the window to hug me. “I love you so much. I love you like you’re my mom.” Over her petite shoulder, I see Adam’s face transform from worry to adoration to something that resembles fear. I squeeze her back. “Thank you for that, sweetheart. I love you guys so much.” My cheek is smacked with a loud kiss and then she giggles. “Bye.”
Adam sets his daughter down and musses her long hair. “Go on. Buckle up.” When she reaches the open door, she climbs in. Wordlessly, his lips meet mine for a long deep but chaste kiss as his dark eyes speak volumes. He doesn’t need to say a word; his eyes are full of emotion and sear with love for me. Goosebumps line my skin and I shiver. A small smile appears on his face before he walks back and drives away, turning towards the center of town while I make my way to the outskirts to a place where things are always quiet and peaceful.
THE LIGHT SNOW that’s falling fast is beautiful, furiously swirling and dancing to the ground. Winter in New England can be magical with its rolling hills covered in a blanket of white, but this cold December day feels anything but magical. My heart is heavy. Looking around, my resolved eyes take in the scene in front of me. After a few deep breaths, I grab the small, brown paper bag from the passenger seat and make my way to the vast area of stillness and peace.
The landmark is not hard to find. The huge, now bare, maple tree provides shelter for those resting beneath it. The large, grey marble stone calls to me. My knees buckle, sending me down as I drop to the cold, hard ground. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. I remind myself to breathe. My leather glove wipes away the fallen snow, revealing the name of my beloved.
“Hi, baby girl. Happy Birthday.” My voice is barely a whisper. I want to be strong for her. I want her to know that I’m okay, that I’m happy, but the thin stitching that’s been holding my broken heart together starts to fray and the tranquility of the moment is lost by my uncontrollable weeping. My face falls into my hands, catching every gut-wrenching tear that I shed as I sob. My head falls back, my tear stained faced turned upward as I plead with God for answers that I know will never come. Some might think that I’m a masochist wanting to dredge up painful memories of carrying her, feeling her kick in my womb and then losing her, but coming here is a reminder of the beautiful life that was cut too short before it even began. The life that had so much potential to love and be loved is no more.
My fingers, clad in leather, trace her name, Lily Delaney Marx, before floating over the single date that indicates her birth and death. I should’ve been there to hold her. I should’ve kissed her tiny fingers and her little nose. I should’ve held her close against my full breasts as she nursed¸ but I didn’t. I couldn’t. The events of that night robbed me forever of the few moments of precious time with my little girl.
I reach into the paper bag and remove the single cupcake, pushing seven pink candles into it before lighting them and singing “Happy Birthday” softly to her. I set the cupcake down and watch the candles melt to wax. I’d like to think that she has a head full of dark, soft, curly hair with exquisite green eyes like her father. I imagine her wearing a pretty, pink, frilly dress running around in Heaven with my father holding her tiny hand. I don’t know if Dylan is there, too. I don’t let myself think about him and the things he did.
I tell her about Adam, Maddie and Luke. I know she would have loved them as much as I do and would have been best friends with Adam’s children. I find myself smiling as I tell her about how crazy Brady has been lately. Wiping my final tears, I stand up, brushing snow off my knees and look at the headstone right beside my daughter’s.
“Hi, Daddy.” I thank my father for being my rock and hero. I thank him for the love he’d given me so freely, without reservation or judgment. I thank him for taking care of my little girl.
The sound of an approaching vehicle turning into the cemetery interrupts my conversation. I watch in awe as the silver Mercedes drives slowly down the winding road, stopping at a small grave. The driver’s door swings open and Gina steps out before helping her daughter out of the back seat. She carries a beautiful bouquet of red roses. I’m shocked and stunned to see Gina here, especially wit
h Sophie. The story around town was that Gina had been the victim of a sexual assault in college and was even considered somewhat of a martyr for choosing to keep her baby instead of terminating the pregnancy or putting the baby up for adoption. People said she was brave to have a physical reminder of that horrific event. I think I may be one of the few people who will ever know the truth.
I pull the phone out of the long, deep pocket of my goose-down jacket when I hear the sound of a text. It’s Adam. I’m sure he’s wondering where I am since the weather is starting to take a turn for the worse faster than the local news forecasted.
His simple message floors me because he’s not a religious man.
AL: A time to weep, a time to laugh and a time to come home.
What the hell? I look around to see if he’s here, but he’s not. How does he know that I’m crying? How does he know the importance of today’s date? I specifically know that I never mentioned it. I usually take the day off from work and spend it alone.
Me: Thank you. I’ll be home soon.
Gina and Sophie stand before Dylan’s grave. God, I would love to know what she’s thinking right now and as if she could hear my thoughts, she turns, her eyes searching in my direction to find me staring. Her blue eyes meet my brown and the most unbelievable thing happens a moment later. It’s as if time stands still and I’m waiting with rapt attention to see what she will do. Then with her eyes still on me, her red lips tighten and pull into a small, almost apologetic, smile. What I see in her eyes is sorrow, sympathy and maybe even regret. For an instant, I see my best friend from long ago; I see the girl I loved like a sister. I am truly bewildered. For so many years, she has hated me and the feeling has been mutual, but in this moment in time, it occurs to me that she lost something too and there’s an understanding that we both loved and lost that day.
