by L. M. Carr
***
AT DISMISSAL I have a terrible headache. Lizzie, one of my precocious students, wore her mom’s perfume and I had to open all the windows just to air the room out. The rolling of my stomach makes me want to vomit. When I see Mrs. Cummings come in with little Hannah who’s now a plump, blonde infant, I ask to hold her. I love to hold her whenever I can, but today she’s fussy and no matter what I do, she won’t settle down. Gina is the last person in line to pick up her daughter, and she watches our interaction closely.
After several attempts, I hand the baby back and thank her.
“Hmmm . . . looks like you lost your baby touch.” Gina laughs sardonically before she walks away with Sophie.
This fucking bitch has pushed me too many times, with the snide comments and nasty looks and she just sent me over the edge. I’m so done. I excuse myself from Mrs. Cummings and follow Gina out of the building and into the parking lot, calling her name loudly.
“What?” Her blonde hair whips around when she turns to face me. She stands about two inches taller than me with her heels on, but I don’t care.
“What is your problem?” I shake my head and try to decipher the look on her face.
“You! You’re my fucking problem!” I see Sophie stiffen at her mother’s harsh words. Shelby comes over and asks Sophie to wait with her and then whispers that I’m on school grounds and could get in trouble for confronting her here, but right now, I’m pissed and I don’t really give a shit.
“What the hell did I ever do to you?” My face scrunches in confusion and then I pull my lips into a tight smile when Mrs. Cummings holds the door for Shelby and Sophie before she asks if everything is okay. I reassure her that I’m fine.
“My whole life I’ve been second to you.” I can’t help but laugh at her words. Has she lost her mind? It was always the other way around, but I never cared because she was my best friend and I loved her.
“You were second to me? Are you serious?”
She steps in, closing the space between us. “You took Dylan and Adam. Even my fucking father has you on a pedestal.” Her father? I haven’t talked to that man in over five years and I will do anything to keep it that way.
“How can you say I took them? They were never yours to begin with!” I’m beginning to think she’s delusional. Maybe losing her brother has affected her deeper than I would’ve expected.
“Dylan didn’t want you. He wanted me, but you had to go and get pregnant to trap him. And look what you did to him! Adam and I belonged together, even before Johanna came along and trapped him. He was always going to be mine.”
“Do not talk about Johanna. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” My fist balls up and I point my index finger in her face. I know I’ve never met her and she hurt Adam by keeping his children a secret, but she was Madison and Luke’s mother. I respect that.
“You made them all go away.” The look on her face is childlike and sad. She really believes what she’s saying. I don’t dignify her with a response.
“Look, you and I both live in this town and I’m sick and tired of dealing with your shit! Grow up. Life goes on. Get over it.”
Her blue eyes turn to slits. “Just like you’ve gotten over killing your baby?” That’s it—my breathing hitches causing me to gasp . . . and I fucking lose it. My arm cocks back, and my fist connects with her cheek sending her stumbling backwards onto the hard concrete. “You heartless wench! I hate you!” I throw my arms up in the air, surrendering. “Yes, I killed my baby. Yes, I killed her father.” I scream so loud for the world to hear, causing a few people to stop and stare. “I’ve accepted that fact, Gina. How about you? Have you accepted the fact that while I was almost eight months pregnant, I walked in on you having sex with my boyfriend and as a result you have a beautiful, healthy little girl? I think you have so much guilt when you look at yourself in the mirror and you take it out on your daughter. She’s not you; she didn’t do anything wrong. You did!”
Gina stands up, rubs her cheek and straightens out her clothes. She looks around at the people who’ve gathered around us. Her “friends” look disappointed while others look disgusted. It dawns on me that I’ve just revealed the one secret she hoped to keep hidden. She is no longer Gina the martyr; she’s Gina the whore.
“Watch your back,” she whispers menacingly. I stand there unfazed as she yanks Sophie’s hand away from Shelby, gets into her Mercedes and speeds out of the parking lot, nearly running down the crossing guard who’s waving his stop sign, telling her to slow down.
Mrs. Chapman clears her throat. “Miss Delaney, may I see you in my office?” Oh shit! Back to the principal’s office I go. Something tells me that we’re not just going to talk this time.
***
“WHAT DID SHE say?” Shelby asks as I lay in the bathtub, soaking in hot water, as I tell her about my visit to the office. My principal and I were behind closed doors for about two hours.
“She said she didn’t realize there was a problem between us, but that she was glad I gave her a taste of her own medicine. She hates the way Sophie is treated. She even called Gina a tramp.”
“No way! She said that?”
“Yep, and she said that if ever asked, she would deny saying it.” I laugh into the phone and close my eyes.
Mrs. Chapman didn’t really condone what I did, but she understood why I lost it after hearing my history with Gina. Then she suggested that I take the rest of the week off until things settle down. I didn’t argue with her. Perhaps now that I don’t have to work on my birthday, I’ll take Pete up on his offer to celebrate.
My body begins to prune in the cool water. I get out, dry off and decide to watch a movie. I need a good chick flick tonight. Pride and Prejudice? Sweet Home Alabama? Notting Hill? The Notebook? The list is endless, but each one somehow reminds me of him so I go online and research online degrees in special education instead.
***
I MEET SHANE at six o’clock sharp and we run hard, climbing higher and higher up the expert trail. I usually avoid the Black Diamond trail because that’s the one where I met him last summer. I like running with Shane; he doesn’t talk much when we run. He doesn’t ask questions. We fall into a nice rhythm together and I agree to meet him again tomorrow even though it’s my birthday and I should relax.
TWENTY EIGHT YEARS ago on this day, my parents welcomed me into the world. I was one of those babies whose parents tried so hard to conceive. For years my parents tried and failed to have a baby, deciding to adopt Josh when a teenage girl from their church got pregnant and knew she couldn’t raise a child when she was still one herself. Joshua was their pride and joy; my parents said they loved him instantly and unconditionally.
The story was that with no hope left of conceiving a child they’d given up trying and were happy to be blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Three years later, I was born. My mother has a scrapbook documenting everything about her pregnancy with me. She has another for my first year of life and every other year after that. Josh has them too, except for the pregnancy one of course.
The sun is shining brightly and for the first time in a really long time, I wake up feeling renewed. I want to put my twenty-seventh year behind me and move forward.
Brady and I head out for our run, but I have to slow down and eat my banana because I feel a little queasy. I guess I don’t feel as great as I thought.
“Happy Birthday!” Shane pulls me into a side hug when he finds me refilling my water bottle while Brady splashes in the cool morning stream. “You okay?” he asks.
“Thanks!” I smile, taking a few long deep breaths in and out. I wish I had another banana to eat since my stomach is obviously not happy with its lack of nourishment and groans loudly.
“You want to skip the run and grab a bite to eat instead?” He suggests when my stomach growls again.
I’m so embarrassed, but this is Shane; he knows about my appetite so I don’t have to be shy about it.
“God, that sounds reall
y good right about now.” Pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, French Toast, oatmeal—it all sounds delicious I don’t know how I’ll decide. “Would you mind if we dropped Brady off at home on the way?”
We sit across from each other at Maple’s Restaurant. It’s pretty quiet at this early morning hour. The first pot of coffee is still brewing and the sound of eggs cracking and bacon frying fills the dining room.
“So what are your plans for your birthday?” Shane asks, keeping his eyes cast down while he folds the corner of his paper placement.
“Not much. I think Pete and I are going to listen to his cousin’s band or something. I’m not really sure.”
“That’s cool.” He fingers slide to the other corner and begin the folding process again. I notice that he won’t look at me.
The older waitress takes our order and grumbles about being short staffed. I look around the restaurant and wonder why she can’t handle the few tables on her own. It doesn’t seem like it would be that difficult. But then again, that’s what people say about teaching.
The sound of voices arguing causes us to look in the direction of the kitchen. Nicole, another waitress, pushes her way through the swinging double doors, slipping her apron over her head. She looks unkempt; her uniform shirt is wrinkled and her hair is in an uncombed ponytail.
She balances the three large dishes between her hands and forearm when she delivers our food, which is enough to feed a small army. “Here you go.” She smiles at Shane. She sets the egg white veggie omelet with turkey bacon in front of me and puts the scrambled eggs, bacon, home fries, toast and the side of sausage in front of him.
Our eyes find each other immediately and we can’t contain our laughter. “What’s so funny?” Nicole asks, looking between the two of us before she asks if we’d like some more coffee. I slide my plate across the table at the same time Shane does. “Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed . . .” She blushes with embarrassment and then leaves when the kitchen bell rings for the next order.
My breakfast is scrumptious. At least I think it is; I devour it so quickly. Shane must think I don’t feed myself. One would think that I’ve been stranded on an island without food for an extended period of time.
“So what are your plans for the summer? Are you leaving as soon as school is done?”
Summer. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do. Going to see my brother is number one and after that I think I’m seriously considering doing some kind of missions work. I just need to keep myself busy and if I can help someone along the way, then so be it.
“Yeah, I’m heading to Texas as soon as I can.” I nod as I look out the window, noticing how bright the sky has become against the crystal clear blue sky. “Don’t you need to get to work?” I turn back to find him staring at me.
“Shit! I do! Damn.” He looks at the clock near the cash register and flags Nicole over for the check. “You ready?”
“Actually, do you mind if run to the bathroom first?”
He looks at the clock anxiously and says, “Sure.”
I see Nicole standing behind the counter refilling syrup bottles as I walk past her toward the bathroom.
Ugh! Why did I eat so much? I squat over the toilet to pee and have a sudden bout of nausea. I spin around to vomit, emptying the contents of my stomach into the porcelain bowl. I can’t stop. I breathe through each and every wave that hits me, clenching my eyes shut, trying to control it. The sound of the door opening and then a voice calling my name make me looks up. After wiping my mouth and flushing the toilet, I stand, pull my shorts up, and unlock the door. Nicole eyes me up and down. “Are you okay?”
My reflection in the mirror looks anything but okay. I’m pasty white with a hint of green. I look awful. “Yeah, I think I just ate too much too fast.” I chuckle to hide my embarrassment.
“Your friend asked me to check on you.” Something in her tone causes me to look at her sharply.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing! I mean you’re just really lucky. Every time you come in here you’re always with a really hot guy, you know.”
I remember the time Pete and I came in here, Nicole couldn’t stop staring at him or bending over slightly more than necessary to refill his coffee, exposing her cleavage. Pete just smirked and looked away.
“Yeah, well he really isjust a friend.” I splash water again on my face, smoothing my hair back.
“God, that other guy you used to come in with around Christmas—he was like fucking gorgeous. What happened to him?” Good question, Nicole. I’d like to know that answer myself.
“We broke up.” I answer without emotion.
“That’s too bad. Those pretty boys don’t stick around for long.” She has a momentary look of sadness that passes over her face. My guess would be that Nicole has been hurt once or twice before. “I wonder if I should warn the redhead he came in here with a few weeks ago.”
There’s a knock on the door. “Mia, are you okay? I really have to get going.” Oh my God, I completely forgot that Shane is waiting for me. I know he’s going to be late for work, but I need to find out more about what Nicole just said. Adam was here?
I open the door slightly and tell him that I’m not feeling well, that he should go to work and I’ll either catch a ride home or just walk. It’s not that far anyway. I can tell he feels badly about leaving, but since he’s on the candidate list for assistant principal, he needs to keep his attendance record spotless. I assure him that I’ll be fine and he reluctantly leaves.
My pulse begins to race as I turn back to Nicole who is straightening her messy ponytail and applying nude lipstick. My body is frozen in place, effectively blocking the door. She’s going to answer some questions whether she wants to or not.
“When was he in here?” I don’t have to say his name. She knows exactly who I’m talking about. There are good looking guys and then there’s Adam.
She looks up as if she’s thinking back to when she saw him. “I guess it was about two or three weeks ago. He came in just before the lunch rush. I remember it was a pretty quiet morning.” My stomach wretches and I feel like I’m going to throw up again.
“Tell me about the redheaded woman.” I know I’m torturing myself, knowing that no matter what she says, it will only hurt. I really am becoming a glutton for punishment.
“Uh, she was older, pretty, kind of professional looking, I guess.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Adam was here just a few weeks ago with that woman. He didn’t even have the decency to take his whoring around elsewhere. Did he not care that he might run into me? Who am I kidding? He obviously doesn’t care. Asshole.
“How did he look?” My words choke in my throat, emotion ready to surface. Why the fuck am I asking her this? I know how he looks. His dark wavy hair and those gorgeous chocolate eyes complement his tall, sculpted hard body.
“Seriously? He’s gorgeous.” She snorts.
I clarify. “Did he look happy?”
“He looked serious, like he was talking business. He wasn’t all over her like he was with you, if that’s what you’re asking.” She smiles as if that’s supposed to make me feel better.
It doesn’t. I know why Adam wasn’t all over her. She’s like all the rest; he’s keeping her at arm’s length so he can keep his private and personal lives separate. I was the only one he let in. He won’t let that happen again to his kids. At least, I don’t think so, but then again I thought I knew him. Clearly, I didn’t. It’s nice to see he’s back to his old ways.
“Nicole!! You get paid to work, not to hang out in the friggin’ bathroom.” The door barges open and an annoyed woman whose name tag says “Franca” yells, “You have tables to wait on! Let’s go now.”
“Oh my God! Calm down, I’m on my way back. Damn, you need to relax.” Nicole shoots me an apologetic look and follows Franca out, leaving me alone.
I grab the sink to steady myself when the room starts to spin and I can feel myself on the
verge of a panic attack. Breathing slowly in and out, I talk myself through it. In my head, I recount what Nicole has said. Adam was here. He was with the redhead again. He was all business. I am instantly catapulted back to the days when he left. The pain and hurt in my heart reopens like a gigantic gaping hole. I push the stall door open and unload the rest of my breakfast. Happy Fucking Birthday to me.
***
“OH, HELL NO, Mia! You are not canceling on me.” Pete pushes his way through the kitchen door to find me standing there in raggedy yoga pants and a t-shirt, with a dust rag in my hand. “It’s your damn birthday and you’re acting like it’s your funeral. Get your ass dressed. We’re leaving in fifteen.”
I don’t feel like celebrating. I don’t want to feel anything. How can I knowing that I meant so little to Adam? How had I misjudged him so badly? I walked home from breakfast in a complete stupor; I couldn’t even muster up the energy to wave to the kids as they passed by on the school bus. The many texts wishing me a “Happy Birthday” have gone unanswered all day. I was happy to see a message from Kate. I haven’t talked to her in so long. Maybe she’ll take me back to that club. I shake my head, knowing that I’m just talking nonsense.
“Peter, I’m not going. I don’t want to celebrate. I’ve had a shitty day.” I pout, closing the door behind him. I don’t want to tell him about Adam because I know what he’ll do and I’m not really in the mood for a Peter Harris-style rant right now.
“Look, I can tell it has something to do with him, but I refuse to let you stay home and do nothing. Babe, you’ve got to get back out there. It’ll be fun, I promise.” He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. He smells like his usual Calvin Klein cologne.
“Fine! But I won’t be responsible for my actions if I get drunk.” I squeeze him to me.
On the way to the bar, Pete offers to drive, but his car reeks of smoke from Tyler so we take my Jeep. He switches the radio station constantly. He finally settles on a song about a woman going to sex clubs and needing to stay high all the time since her guy left. I could relate to that except I don’t do drugs. I’ve only ever been addicted to one thing and that was Adam. He was a habit that I had no choice but to kick. Even the Adam who stars in my dreams isn’t enough to tide me over. Every morning I wake up needing a fix.
