Sullivan knocked on the open door. “Who’s the bear from?” he asked, his voice cracking. He wore baggy sweat pants and a super-huge tee shirt that was actually clean. His hair was tucked behind his ears and full of static. It looked like crap. But he’s a guy, so no one cares.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I don’t know.”
“Oh. Do you want to play Wii? Dad’s working and there’s no one to play with.” His head fell. “I should work on making more friends. But I’m always the odd kid out.”
I grabbed the cell phone from on my dresser. The screen was heavily scratched, but it still worked. “I’ll play with you,” I offered. “Give me a minute.”
“Really?” His spirits lifted. “Awesome!” he said, and walked out.
I hit Luke’s number on speed dial and let it ring. Maybe he’d talk to me now. Maybe he’d tell me if he sent the bear. Maybe he’d tell me he still loves me.
It rang ten times. Then it went to voicemail.
I thought about leaving a message, but hung up instead. What could I have possibly said? What if the bear wasn’t from him and I thanked him? That would be weird.
In Sullivan’s bedroom, there was actually space on his carpet to walk. I was impressed.
He turned off his music and moved over so I could join him on the floor. At least the video game sort of distracted me.
XV
I’m so pathetic, I pretended to have lost something in my locker, just to look busy. So I don’t look like I’m alone and broken.
I’ve gone from dating a Greek god to losing him and my best friend in under forty-eight hours. I have no one, and it’s embarrassing.
I rearranged notebooks, searched the pockets of my coat for nothing and sighed loudly in annoyance. Well, I think I was very convincing. But no one came around by the time the final bell rang. No one looked. And no one cared.
“You’re Adonia, right?” Ms. Long asked when I walked into her class a minute late. I nodded, making my way to my seat. My forehead felt hot and my stitches felt uncomfortable, tempting me to scratch though I knew I shouldn't. “Would you mind being in here before the bell rings?” she asked in a surprisingly cool tone. I guess I’m no longer a chalkboard person.
I sat quietly. Tom smirked. His black eye was going away, now it was yellow. His nose looked slightly bigger than it did before his little suspension, because Luke broke it. I wished Luke would do it again after class—that would give Thomas Belling something to do besides laugh at me.
After heating microwaveable meals all period long, I hurried to gym. In the crowded girls’ locker room, I ignored absolutely everyone. It’s an ugly beige room, with benches and open lockers all over. There were piles upon piles of clothes everywhere.
I didn’t see Lilly, but I heard Lilly. She and a bunch of girls she barely knew were laughing like they’d been friends forever. I was afraid it was about me.
She walked past me in her blue denim shorts and pink tank top, and shrugged me off when I waved at her. I hurried and dressed in gym clothes that ironically matched hers, and ran into the gymnasium in time for attendance. Alone on the bleachers, I sat, head in hands, watching her gossip two rows down like she’d never even met me.
We played volleyball again. Ms. Gee put Lilly and Jake on my team—it was like capital punishment. She blew her whistle and the game was on.
I stood on the side near the back, watching others play, until I saw Ms. Gee’s ferocious glare. I made an effort to hit the next ball, but I missed and lost us a point. Lilly shook her head like it even mattered. She doesn’t do volleyball, she shops. Why does she suddenly care?
She looked so pretty it actually made me feel self-conscious. I think deep down I’ve always worshiped her. No wonder her brother seemed so familiar.
It’s amazing how all the guys that are so mean to me flock over to her, even after she turns them down or beats them away.
At least the only guy I wanted—the only guy that mattered—had no interest in her. Because the guy I wanted, the guy I should not have drove off on, is her twin brother.
“Come on!” Jake screamed my way, “If you can’t play, sit!”
My mind had wandered. I snapped out of it.
Lilly hit Jake flirtatiously. She was surely being mean to get his hopes up—she wouldn’t seriously waste any time on him.
~ ~ ~
Lilly and Anna were at the lunch table before me. Shockingly, Luke sat with Jake and Tom, and hardly even noticed me.
Seriously, why he was hanging out with a bunch of idiots who tried to kill him a week ago?
I felt like an outcast, searching desperately for a table. My ears felt hot. It felt like everyone was watching.
There was a table where the nerds sat, a table where the unwashed sat, a table where the popular kids sat, a table where the valley girls sat, but there were no tables where the rejects sat.
I approached the round table in front of Lilly and Luke’s tables. The table Jenna sat at. Alone. “Do you mind if I sit with you?” I asked hesitantly.
She looked up from her tiny round mirror and blotted her lips. “Like sure, why not? No one else seems to want to.” She dragged her bag across the table so I could take a seat.
“I don’t exactly want to,” I wanted to say, but I was just grateful I wasn’t sitting with the unwashed.
“Hey, Adonia, did you convert?” Tom shouted. “Are you a full time slut now?”
Jake and Luke were staring at me. Jake gave Tom a high five. After a brief glance, Luke looked away. I could feel Lilly and Anna’s glares.
“Oh my God, they’re like always assholes like that,” Jenna said, sipping her diet Sprite. “You’ll learn to like ignore them. Or live with them. Whichever!”
I groaned, not planning to have to learn anything. I’m not a slut! I’m seventeen… eighteen February first. I’d only been with one guy, whom I love more than anything in the world, and who now hates me!
“Like, I’m so glad we get along now,” Jenna said. “And by the way, I’m like sorry about all those nasty looks before. Oh my God, that was like, before I learned that our ex is an asshole and dumped him accordingly.”
I doubted we’d ever get along. My eyes settled on her untouched lunch. “Aren’t you going to eat?”
She laughed loudly. “Uh… no! Like, pizza makes you fat! Oh my God, I’m single, I can’t get fat!”
She must be one of those girls Luke was talking about, on the nutty diets. “You’ll get an ulcer,” I warned. “It happened to my dad once.”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh my God! Whatever! I’m not your dad!”
I took a bite of soggy pizza and peeked over at Luke. Our eyes brushed before he looked away to talk to his new friends.
“Did you like break up with him or what?” Jenna asked, eyeing Luke.
I was afraid to answer. She looked super interested.
She looked at me, grinned and tucked her hair behind her ears. “He’s single? Oh my God, he is like the absolute hottest guy on this side of the continent!”
I sighed and dropped my pizza. That didn’t make me feel any better.
“Seriously, he is like wow, if he asked I would totally sleep with him! My friend Kaylee, like she would sleep with him in a heartbeat! And Amy, and Rebecca, and Jessica—”
“He’s not single!” I practically blared.
Jenna recoiled. Luke, Jake and the rest of the cafeteria stared at me. I shrank in my seat.
“He’s definitely not single,” I insisted, just loud enough so she can hear me. I wanted to add “slut” but I was afraid I’d lose my seat.
Thankfully she changed the subject. “Listen, that home economics homework that’s like due before three o’clock today—the one on how to like prepare a chicken salad—do you have it done?”
I nodded.
“Oh, good, I thought you would. Do you mind if I, like, see it? Like, I’m just too busy to do mine. I have like lots of friends and all, and this guy’s supposed to ask me out like any
day now.” I wondered which guy she was planning to date next. And why she was sitting alone if she had so many friends. She dumped the rest of her soda on her pizza and edged the tray away from her, disgusted. “Like, what do you say?”
By then I completely lost my appetite. I got up, pushed my chair in and uttered, “I have to go.” She didn’t exactly try to stop me. Not that I cared. She’s on a diet, I’m sure she can figure out how to prep a salad.
I dumped my food and sat by my locker for the rest of lunch, because there was no place else to sit. I was annoyed that she’s after my boyfriend again. I was more annoyed that I didn’t even know if my boyfriend was still my boyfriend!
“You’re supposed to be in the cafeteria,” a hall monitor said, standing at my feet. He barely looked like he was out of high school himself.
“It’s too noisy in there. I have a headache.”
“Well, it’s my job to keep you in the cafeteria. Either go back in there or visit the nurse for a cure.”
I glanced at my watch. The bell was going to ring in three minutes anyway. I got up and started walking toward the cafeteria slowly. When I got to the doors, I started walking to the nurse’s slowly.
If there is a God, I must not be on his good side. I wished I had a car again, so I could sneak away and buy something that tasted like food.
~ ~ ~
There was a new Jeep Grand Cherokee in the driveway when I got home. It looked the same as the old one. I walked up to it to examine it.
“You can’t drive for one week, young lady,” Dad said, walking from the house toward me. He wore blue jeans and a black turtleneck sweater. “…at your mother’s request.”
Great! Mom knew what I did to her car! Now I’d never be seeing her good side again. I took it she was pissed, never even calling to talk to me. I groaned. “Is this the same one? Did they refurbish it?”
“Nope,” Dad said, throwing me the keys.
I caught and looked at them longingly. “Did insurance pay?”
“Yup.” Dad rubbed his hands for warmth.
“Must have cost them a lot…”
“Well, they’ll get their money back in no time when our premiums hit the roof.” He looked around. “Where’s Luke? I haven’t seen him in some time.”
“Luke’s been very busy with schoolwork,” I lied.
“Well at least he’s taking that seriously.”
I didn’t get what that was supposed to mean. So after a while, I threw Dad the keys and reported straight to my room. I changed out of my clothes into sweat pants and a sweatshirt, and checked my cell phone for messages, just in case. Of course I had none.
I threw my algebra book on my bed, to motivate me to do homework. But as soon as Sullivan got home and screamed, “I rented Hamlet!” I ran down to watch. I hadn’t seen it on film before. But I did read the play in class last semester, and Shakespeare was a genius!
“Get some popcorn!” Sullivan screamed, throwing himself on the couch. “Hurry up! I have a book report due on this tomorrow morning!”
XVI
My stomach growled throughout third period. It was not only embarrassing and painful, but it made me dizzy during the math midterm I’d barely studied for.
I didn’t know how to do logs or rational equations and functions. I tried to resist the urge to turn in a blank answer sheet. What’s the point? I’m failing this anyway! Why bother?
We had the option of hanging around to let Mr. Michaels grade our tests when we were done, so I took advantage of it. I figured I might as well get it over with and get my grade back.
“Your grade’s on the top corner,” Mr. Michaels whispered. He scratched between the gray hairs on his balding head. “Did you turn your homework in today?” He wore a pink shirt with red stripes and suspenders. I’ll bet he was picked on back in high school.
I shook my head no, dizzy from his cigarette breath. I really wished he’d quit like he kept saying he would, because his breath reeked!
He sighed and hovered over his grade book.
I turned my test over and groaned. “What’s my average?”
He pulled the calculator out of his desk drawer. He’s a math teacher, he can’t do the math in his head?
I got a thirty-two on my midterm exam! A thirty-two!
I glanced over my shoulder as he punched the numbers. Lilly stood behind me, wearing a form-fitting sweater, silver hoop earrings lined with pink stones, and jeans. Her eyes met mine, but she looked away with a heavy sigh. She hadn’t laughed that morning in gym, or talked at lunch; she was quiet all day.
Luke wasn’t even in the cafeteria during lunch. I hoped he wasn’t on a lunch date. And if he was, I hoped his date got food poisoning.
Mr. Michaels pushed the calculator toward me, glancing at Lilly behind me. Fifty-three percent. Fifty-three percent! I groaned again, bending my knees forward like I needed to pee. “I didn’t eat today and I have a stomachache,” I whined pathetically. “Can I please retake?”
He raised his silver eyebrows. “Unless you study up for the final and score at least a B plus, you’re not passing my class.” He picked up a copy of the syllabus and waved it in the air. “No make-up exams, no retakes. It just wouldn’t be fair for everyone else.” He looked past me. “Lilly, are you ready?”
In the other room, everyone who finished early read books or talked. I sat myself in the second seat from the back, by the wall, and looked at my watch. There was still an hour until fourth period—it obviously didn’t take very long to flunk that test.
I put my head down and cried discretely. I knew I wouldn’t graduate. And my parents would kill me.
For about thirty minutes, I’d dozed off. Then I felt the end of a pencil tap me on the back. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and turned around.
“Hey,” Lilly breathed. “Are you okay?”
I nodded and turned away, intending to ignore her like she’d been ignoring me.
“I heard about your car from my neighbor. She was driving a few cars behind you. That must’ve sucked.”
I turned to face her. “Did you mail the teddy bear?”
Her eyes turned to the left. “Uh, no…”
Then there was silence.
“Look, I wanted to apologize for last Thursday.” She looked sad and tired. “I’m sorry I was a bitch. It wasn’t really any of my business to begin with, you and Lukasz. I guess it was just the shock speaking.”
“That’s all right,” I lied, my voice quivering. It really isn’t all right, though. Luke still isn’t talking to me. She ruined us.
Or did I ruin us, when I drove away?
“I talked to Lukasz about it. He thought this might happen, so he avoided me the whole time and didn’t tell you. So I should’ve just flipped out on him. But even then, I guess it’s still not my business.”
“He hates me now,” I told her. “It really doesn’t matter anymore.”
She didn’t say anything. She just combed through her hair with her fingers. “You really love him?”
I nodded, feeling odd admitting that to her. I guess in a way I understood why she was pissed—it’s awkward.
She put her hand to her cheek. “I guess I did miss a lot while I was gone.”
I shrugged, not sure what else to say. Actually, I wanted to get off the subject.
“I guess you didn’t do so hot on the test?” she asked a few minutes later. Small talk.
“I might not even graduate.”
“Well, I got a really low C, so if I do any worse on the final I might not graduate with you.” She reclined in her seat. “Anyway, do you want to hang out tonight?”
“I can’t drive for another six days,” I informed her.
She sucked her teeth. “Your mom must be pretty upset, then, huh?”
Should I mention that my mom cares so much she can’t even call and talk to me? I was in a car accident, after all! Dad said they only talked for three minutes before she had to go. That’s pitiful.
“I’ll drive, then. We�
��ll have dinner, maybe go to the rink after?”
“Maybe.” I wanted dinner. As for skating, I preferred skiing. With Luke. And only Luke. So I can beat him to the bottom, go back up and kiss him at the top.
“Dinner sounds great.”
~ ~ ~
“Hey, Dad,” I said in the kitchen at 3:30. I took the bus home and had to wait until four for Lilly to pick me up.
The whole time we were making arrangements, I fought the urge to beg, “Please bring your brother!” But she’d finally come around and started talking to me again—I couldn’t whine about Luke, or lack thereof. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable.
“How was the math midterm?” Dad asked, his nose glued to the computer screen.
I poured myself some grape juice and pretended not to hear. When he repeated himself, I cleared my throat. “It was okay.” Lilly was about to pick me up, and I didn’t feel like getting grounded right before she did.
“That’s good. Your algebra teacher called and left a message while I was at the store. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the chance to get back to him.”
I swallowed the juice down with a big gulp. I felt myself sweat. “Did he?” I asked casually, scared senseless. “What did he say?”
Dad finished typing a paragraph and glanced at me. “I don’t know, sweetie, he just asked me to call.” He looked at his screen and suddenly back at me. “It’s probably just to tell me you’re improving, then. I did tell him to keep in touch at that conference last month, remember?”
I was sweating a river. Should I tell him the truth? God, I couldn’t handle telling him the truth. Maybe Dad would forget to call him. Mr. Michaels isn’t the pushy type anyway. If Dad forgot, I doubt Mr. Michaels would call again.
One can only hope.
“I’m going out with Lilly.”
“Be home by eight.”
“Lilly, not Luke.”
Dad stopped typing. “Eight. Not nine. Or ten, or eleven.” He looked stern. “Got it?”
“Sure, Dad.” I made my way up to my bedroom and changed into my jeans and a tight tee shirt. Then I redid my makeup, put on my favorite pair of earrings and reached for Luke’s necklace.
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