I nod.
As soon as he leaves, I crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.
Rafael
“YOU’VE REACHED Sophie. Talk to me, and I’ll get back to you.”
Feels like I’ve heard that message a thousand times. She never returns my calls. It’s been forty-eight hours since she left my house. Forty-eight hours since I followed her with my car to make sure she got home safe. Forty-eight hours of fighting to draw breath after breath. I’m in purgatory, drowning in regret, guilt, pain, and heartbreak. At least in Hell, you just burn.
It’s 11:35 p.m. I haven’t slept since she left. Every time I close my eyes, I relive the moment the world went off its rails.
Fuck this! I’m done waiting. Done losing my mind. I need to see her. She didn’t give me a chance to explain. She has to listen to me, even if it means me crawling at her feet. Begging her to save me. Redeem me. Forgive me.
Anything.
All I know is, I need her to hear me out.
Hawk walks in and tosses a copy of The Scene onto the table in front of me. He lowers himself to the leather sofa and scrubs a hand down his face.
“Congratulations. You’ve made the headlines,” he says, staring at me from red-rimmed eyes.
I glance down at my face, plastered on the cover of the international music magazine. “Hmm. This photo doesn’t do me justice.”
Hawk snorts, shaking his head.
My gaze shifts to the picture below the article and my blood turns to ice in my veins. Blue eyes stare back at me from a thin face.
Daniel Beck. The same reporter who’d interviewed me after I arrived from Sydney.
Fucking Kravic sold me out to the media. He’d threatened me with that weeks ago. But I had thought he’d just wanted to pull me back into the Crowd. Newspapers will eat this up. By tomorrow morning, I’m sure even the Pope will know of my transgressions.
I grab my phone and dial Ben’s number. He answers on the first ring.
“I just saw the article on Der Standard.” He sounds as calm as always. “What do you want me to do?”
The Scene hasn’t been out twenty-four hours and already the news is in the mainstream newspaper? Fucking fantastic.
“I need two men in the Netherlands. Brief them on what to do. Ask them to stay with my grandmothers until this thing blows over.”
I hang up and turn to find Hawk staring out the window. I toss the magazine aside. “Did you speak to her?”
Hawk faces me, scratching his disheveled head, and nods. “She needs time. Look, why don’t you give her until tomorrow? Maybe then, she’ll listen to you.”
“I can’t, Hawk. I need to talk to her today. My head is so messed up right now, I can’t sleep. I can’t fucking breathe. I don’t want to justify myself, because what I did doesn’t deserve justification. I just want her to hear me out. I’m heading over there, and I’ll fucking crawl, beg her to listen to me, if it comes to that.”
“It’s midnight,” he says, moving to sit on the black leather sofa again. “Besides, Jace is staying at her place tonight.” He watches me pace for a minute, then throws his hands up. “Why am I wasting my breath? At least shower and shave before you chase the poor girl off.”
He grunts, thrusting his fingers into his hair.
“This whole situation would have been avoided if you’d told her before you got this far. This was a fucking train crash waiting to happen, Raf.”
I raise my hand to stop him. I don’t need him piling any more guilt on me. I already resent myself for putting us in this position and I hate myself for hurting her.
“Please, don’t.” I drag my hand through my hair. He mutters something under his breath, stands and leaves. Seconds later, the door to his hotel room at the Renwald Hotel slams shut.
Hawk is right, like always. The smell coming off me is enough to knock down a small elephant. After collecting and disposing of the beer bottles scattered on the floor, I head for the shower. Five minutes later, I jump out, charged up with the thought of seeing Sophie. I forego shaving, dress in jeans and a t-shirt, and dash out of the room.
I don’t believe in coincidences. There’s always a reason everything happens. Fate lies in wait like a fucking time bomb, rearranging and aligning the stars to its own satisfaction. Then, one day, it detonates right in your face and all you want to do is not exist. But it’s what you do to dislodge Fate’s teeth from your ass that matters.
And I’m not about to let Fate beat me down.
Twenty minutes later, I ring the bell on her front door. When she doesn’t answer on the third ring, I let myself in with the key she gave me. I walk in, flipping on the lights. No sound, nor the usual scents that inhabit a well-lived-in house. Nothing. I walk into the kitchen, my heart beating faster. Everything is in its usual place. Could she have left? Where would she have gone? Hawk mentioned Jace was staying with her tonight. I race upstairs, flinging open the door to her room. Her bed is empty, save for the mountain of pillows on the headboard. Grabbing the doors to her wardrobe, I throw them open and scan the contents. The rail is full of her clothes.
I breathe out, running trembling fingers through my hair. Why did I wait this long to see her? She probably thinks I don’t give a damn. Christ, what if Kravic got to her again?
I clench a hand to stop myself from punching something. I shove my hand in my pants pocket and pull my phone out, punching in Jace’s number. She answers on the third ring.
“Is she there with you?”
She clears her throat, then coughs once. “Rafael? What the--”
“Where the fuck is she, Jace?”
Sheets rustle through the line. “She said she wanted some time alone, so I didn’t stay with her like planned.”
“I’m inside her fucking house. She’s not here.” I press a hand to my eyes, and take deep breaths.
Calm down, that’s what I need to do. But how can I calm down when I feel like my world’s slipping from under my feet?
“I’m coming over,” she says, sounding alert. Concerned.
“Rafael?” My heart thumps hard as Sophie’s voice fills the room.
Shifting around, I see her standing on the top step, wearing an ugly-ass, purple bathrobe. She rubs her hand through her messy hair, frowning at me.
“You don’t need to come over, Jace. She’s here.”
Jace exhales over the phone. “Where the hell was she? Never mind, just tell her to call me when you two are done. And Rafael, you should know, she’s hurt and feels betrayed.”
“I know,” I say, my eyes trained on Sophie. She stares at me with red, swollen eyes, her lips pressed in a thin line. I clench my jaw and blink hard. It doesn’t stop the damn tears from seeping through my eyes.
“Don’t let that deter you, Rafael. She loves you. She needs time, but she loves you. Don’t give up on her.”
“I wasn’t planning to.” Of course, I wasn’t planning to give up on her! I don’t care if she crushes my heart in her hands. It’s hers to do whatever she wants with.
After ending the call, we stand there, silent, staring at each.
“I thought you’d left,” I say, the weight of that realization hitting me hard in the chest.
She shrugs. “I was in my parents’ room. What are you doing here?” she asks. I wince at the pain in her voice.
“We need to talk.” She opens her mouth to protest, I’m sure, but I beat her to it. “I want you to know what happened, then I’ll leave.”
“Fine.” She turns and climbs back down the steps. I clench my hands to stop myself from reaching for her and follow.
Once she’s settled on the threadbare, brown sofa, she lifts her eyes to me. I have about five minutes to get my story through.
“That night, after The Marriage of Figaro opera, Olivia wanted to talk to me. She wanted me far away from Kravic, so she’d applied to some schools and organized to have me leave Vienna, stay with your grandmother in Colorado. She’d introduced me to a professor at the Conservatory. He�
��d been impressed with my talent in both piano and cello, and guaranteed me a place in his class.
“Kravic had been paying a little too much attention to my whereabouts. He kept saying that Olivia wanted to take me away from him and that, if push came to shove, he would push her over the edge. I pretended I was going out to handle a case about a man who hadn’t paid him, so I could attend the opera. I’d intended to tell Olivia not to contact me for a while, until I found a way to leave. Unfortunately, Kravic must have had me followed. While she was driving me back to where my car was packed, we were shot at. That must have been the crash you heard on the phone.
“Anyway, I knew it was Kravic, because he’d warned me several times. I covered my body with hers, but it was already too late. One of the bullets had hit her straight in the chest before I could shield her. The car swerved into a tree, and I couldn’t save her.”
I press my palm against the scars on my shoulder. I can still feel the pain, fresh, shocking, vicious.
“I couldn’t save her. I am so sorry, Sophie.”
Sophie
I CAN’T stop crying as Rafael relives the horror of his story. In my head, I can see the blood splattered on the seats, hear the sound of bullets as they rain down on Mom and Rafael.
“I couldn’t save her,” Rafael repeats again, dropping to his knees at my feet. He grabs my hands and I let him. I feel as if my world has split into two, and he’s the only one who can glue it together, even though he’d shattered it. I’ve lived with guilt, thinking I played a role in Mom’s death. Now that I know what happened, how do I keep my lungs from giving out? I feel like I can’t get enough air in them. How do I forgive the man who holds my heart in his hands, knowing he’s responsible for so much of my pain?
Rafael’s eyes are wide as he stares at me, like he’s waiting for me to say something. I wish I could tell him it wasn’t his fault, so I could ease his guilt. I wish I didn’t love him so much.
I shake my head and push him to stand. But he wraps his hands around my waist, pressing his head to my belly.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me. Hell, I can’t forgive myself. I don’t know if there’s a chance for us after this.” He pulls himself up, slides one hand to the nape of my neck, and swoops down, meshing his mouth to mine. There’s nothing gentle in his kiss. It’s full of desperation, pain, guilt. His hand leaves my head and slides to my waist, pulling me to him. My body and mind are at war. I tangle my fingers in his hair, pulling him to me. I let him kiss me, devour me, as I do the same to him. Pain, loss, and love mingle in our rapid breathing. I slide my hands from his head and down to the edge of his shirt, slipping them underneath, desperately seeking his warmth. I just want the pain to stop. The kiss softens, turning sensual. The realization of what we’re doing--I’m doing--slaps me hard.
I shouldn’t be kissing him. I should be thinking things over. I pull back and his mouth follows mine, kissing the corner of my lips, my jaw. He murmurs how much he loves me against my skin.
He finally pulls back and stares at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I can’t lose you, Sophie. Take all the time you need, but I can’t fucking lose you. You’re the best part of my life. The best part of me. You gave me the stars. You gave me so much. I love you and you love me. A love this strong can’t die. I won’t allow it. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready, because there’s no other place for me, but with you.”
There is so much I want to tell him, most of it not good. But I can’t. A part of my mind screams to me that it wasn’t his fault, they were just two people caught at crossroads. But the other part wants to blame someone for Mom’s death and he’s the logical choice.
He presses a kiss on my forehead and turns to leave without looking back. The sound of the door closing is loud and final. I sink onto the sofa, pull my knees up and shove my head between them. I take deep breaths as hot tears scald my cheeks, splattering the brown fabric, until, finally, I drift to sleep.
Sophie
I STARE at the phone long after Lilli and I have hung up. I feel listless. My stomach roils at the sight of food. I stand, grab the plate with its untouched sandwich, and head to the kitchen. After emptying the plate in the bin, I rinse it and put it in the dishwasher. I lean on the counter, my gaze moving to the luggage next to the door. Two nights ago, I’d decided to spend Christmas with Lilli and Grandma. I need some time away from Vienna. From Rafael. Distance will help clear my mind in time for the open rehearsal next month.
I close my eyes, picturing Rafael as I’d last seen him.
Hawk stayed in Vienna after the gala, literally dropping everything and taking time off from the soccer season. I can’t help but admire that sort of friendship. The kind that makes the world stop so you can rush to your friend’s side when they’re hurting. He’s called every few hours, like he’s afraid I’ll run off somewhere. He doesn’t ask me how I’m doing. Just tells me to let him know if I need anything.
My phone beeps twice, announcing an incoming call. Jace’s name blinks on the screen.
“Hi.”
“I’m coming over,” she says and hangs up.
There’s no way I can say no to her. And I don’t want to. I need a distraction. I close the files I’d brought home from Olivia’s Circle last week, and head for the shower. I’ll be leaving for the airport soon.
When I come back downstairs, Jace is perched on a kitchen stool, a mug of steaming tea in her hands. She’s wearing another set of leather pants with a mid-thigh trench.
She places the mug on the counter, hops down on her black boots, and folds me into a hug.
“You didn’t show up like you promised. I was worried.” She jerks her chin toward the luggage next to the front door. “You all packed up?”
“Yes. I confirmed the flight. Leaves at 2:45 p.m. I spoke to my grandmother, so she and Lilli will be waiting,” I say, pulling out a stool and sitting on it. “I’m so sorry for worrying you. I just need time to think. And, of course, I don’t want to risk a chance meeting with Rafael.”
She snorts. “You think if he wanted to find you, he wouldn’t just come over? This is Rafael we’re talking about. Nothing stops him. That door would be hanging on its hinges by now if he really wanted to see you. He’ll go batshit crazy when he finds out you’re not within a twenty mile radius. I’m moving to Kagoshima until you come back.”
“Kago--what?”
“Japan. I’m not sticking around when he realizes you’re gone. Blood will splatter the walls. I’d rather face a volcanic eruption every twenty seconds than face Rafael.”
I laugh, and it feels damn good. “I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve you and Dani. I’m just--I don’t know what I’d do without you both.”
“Good thing you’ll never have to find out; you’re stuck with us, hon.” She hugs me, then pulls back. “Do you have to leave? I’ll really miss you.”
“I do. I can’t think straight, knowing Rafael is so close. I’m tempted to go to him. I miss him so much. But it hurts so damn bad, Jace.” She reaches for her cup of apple tea and slides it toward me.
“From what I heard, he loved your mother. Do you really think it was intentional?”
I take a sip, then tug the labret on my lip with my teeth. “He says Kravic wanted to punish him because he threatened to walk away at sixteen. That’s why Kravic shot her. To teach Rafael a lesson.”
Jace covers my hand with hers around the ceramic mug. “I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through. I wouldn’t know what to do either, if I was in your shoes.” She takes a deep breath. “But. I have a reason for coming here so early.”
I cock a brow, and fold my arms over my chest. “You mean, you didn’t come here because you loved me and wanted to see if I’m okay? Or because you’re driving me to the airport?”
“God, Rafael really has rubbed off on you. You even do that signature look of his so well.” My heart twists in my chest.
Rafael had rubbed off on me in more ways than one. But I push that thought aw
ay, bringing the tea to my lips and taking a sip. “So, then, why did you come?”
She clears her throat and licks her lips, looking nervous all of a sudden.“Rafael paid Kravic the money for Tony.”
“He what?”
She looks at me under her lashes. “I overheard him talking to Hawk at Olivia’s Circle. He wasn’t going to let Kravic take the boy. I’m not supposed to tell you, but I can’t keep this from you, either. God, Hawk will quarter my body and hang it to dry.”
I ignore her dramatic words, my mind still reeling from the news. “When? When did he pay Kravic?”
“Four days ago.”
I bite my lip. Oh, Rafael. I’ve been trying so hard to stay angry at him, and he goes and does something so . . . selfless. “How’s he doing?”
“Like you. Craptacular,” she says. “Haven’t you been watching the news?”
I startle on my seat. Did something happen? “No. Why?”
She grabs the remote control and switches on the TV, flipping quickly through the channels. She mumbles about it not being news time, then digs around inside her purse and pulls out her phone. After a few taps, she holds it screen out, facing me. I unfold my fingers from the mug, and take it. My heart begins to thump slowly, increasing it’s beat with every word displayed on the small screen.
Rafael. His past with Kravic. Someone must have leaked the story to the press. Was it that reporter guy? I remember Rafael mentioned that a reporter had interviewed him a few months ago.
“When did this start?” I ask.
“The same day you left. It’s like shit calls out to other shit, and then they make up a whole lump of shits before they hit the fan.”
“How’s he taking everything?” I ask, staring at that proud face on the small screen. God, what is he going through?
Jace doesn’t answer for a few moments. I glance up to find her staring at me.
“Jace,” I say, fisting the phone in my hand. Has something else happened? “What? What’s going on?”
She grabs the phone and tucks it into her purse, then stands and heads to the cupboard stocked with alcohol. She grabs a bottle of Vodka and two glasses before walking back. After pouring the liquid, she slides one toward me.
A Need So Insatiable Page 27
