Pride emanated from his voice; clearly, he felt their similarities made their bond stronger, made up something he could hang his hat on. Nick looked lazily out the window, suppressing his resentment. The shit tried to fester, cause him to lose focus. Yet, he remained silent and let his ears do all the work.
“The reason why I felt she was above me in some ways was because she could have had any man she wanted. Gladys was that dream woman, the kind all my peers wanted. On top of it all, she had values. She was damn near perfect… I couldn’t believe my luck… what a blessing.”
He knew the man was smiling on the other end of that phone and his heart warmed a bit from the confessions. Nick wondered who else the man spoke to about his wife in such a manner?
He wants me to open up… so he is opening up first, trying to make amends for that brunch bullshit. He wants me to talk, to tell him everything I know, to be honest. If he knew the crap I’ve been through, he’d also know I have no choice but to be completely real right now…
“Nick, she was… she was… I can’t even say. I just knew shortly after meeting her that I’d do almost anything to keep her.”
“Yeah, I know that feeling. She makes you feel good and look good and be good… She makes you tingly all over. She’s got your heart; no one can replace her. And no one can replace Taryn for me, either.”
They were quiet for a few moments.
“The day my daughter was born, Nick, was truly one of the happiest of my life. I had so many dreams for her, things I wanted to teach her, you know? But, Taryn had her own dreams, and her own interests.” He paused, as if that truth caused him pain as well as pride, all at once. “I don’t know if she told you, but initially I didn’t want her to model.”
“Yeah, she told me.”
“As usual, she went against my wishes, and that time it was good that she did. She went on her way, with my wife’s support, and was very successful as I’m certain you are aware of. But then our world crashed. Things weren’t the same. I felt like I was going to die… just die…”
“…When she was diagnosed with cancer.”
“Yes.” He cleared his throat, needing a moment. “When my wife came to me one afternoon stating that Taryn had a lump in her breast, I pretended that I was okay. I did it for my wife’s sake, because she was falling apart. No sense in both of us standing there crying. I had my times behind closed doors, and I don’t think I had ever prayed so hard in all of my life. Taryn put on a brave face, and she went to the doctor. My prayers weren’t answered, Nick. Our worst fears materialized. It was like some big, horrible nightmare with no end in sight… ‘She is so young, how could this have happened?!’ I thought to myself. I knew it ran in the family, both sides, but like this? To my daughter?! She was active, worked out all the time, ate well… She was doing the things so many young ladies dreamed of. And as if that wasn’t enough, things got even worse.
Yup. Addiction walked through the door and fucked up everything within a hundred mile radius…
Nick shook his head.
“She survived, but not without heavy cost. Now, the very thing that was supposed to make her healing somewhat bearable had turned her into a person we no longer knew, trusted, or recognized.”
The man continued to speak in his businesslike way, yet the words dripped with seasoned pain. His voice cracked a time or two. He’d grow quiet mid-sentence, as if struggling with his confessions.
“She was combative, withdrawn, alienated. Taryn loved life before she’d gotten sick, Nick. She was boisterous, gregarious, optimistic and fun. The woman you see now? The young lady that you enjoy spending time with… Well, that wasn’t what we had. No…all of that changed… all of it gone. It took her a while to find herself again and along the way, she and I butted heads.”
…Because you’re too much alike, set in your ways…
“Some of it was her fault, some of it mine, but none of it was worth losing my daughter over. She was a good person, and she didn’t deserve this! I wanted to believe it would all be over soon, that she’d just snap out of it, but she didn’t… No, she didn’t.” His voice trailed. “After money began to disappear and her behavior became more erratic, we demanded she go into treatment. She didn’t, but then she got busted for writing fake prescriptions. At first, she resisted, but then she realized she had a serious problem. There were so many ups and downs, Nick. She’d been in treatment two prior times to this final one. This last stint, well, she went on her own.
“One part of her seemed to want it all to end, to be better, but then another part of her seemed to find it all too hard to deal with. I’m so glad the survivor in her won once again. It was a battle almost to the death! My wife has never been the same, and neither have I. Our poor son was a bit neglected during the ordeal while we first dealt with her illness, and then her addiction. It was like we had one child instead of two… but she made it. We’ve got our daughter back…”
…And you don’t want me to take her away. You think I’m a threat, something to be ‘handled.’ You couldn’t handle me if I were a bucket, but I love her, so I’ll tolerate you…
“I’m not surprised that you took a liking to her. Not only is Taryn …what’s the word I’m looking for? I suppose kind would suffice…”
You think she’s naïve…
“I’ve always been concerned for her because of that, you know, her kindness being mistaken for weakness. She has a big heart, and trusts far too easily. She falls in love quickly, too…”
Nick’s jaws clenched tight as he drew his lips inward. He gripped the steering wheel as if he was taking a curb like three the hard way and he found himself wrestling with a tangled mess of jealousy, resentment, and anger. He was certain he was entering a zone of provocation with no stop signs or even a measly yield. He closed his eyes, this time bracing himself for the man’s next words.
“Nick, what I’m saying is, my daughter attracts a lot of attention because of the way she looks, even after the cancer ordeal, but she doesn’t have a good track record with men, okay? I have to tell you this, explain my position, and a part of me…a part of me feels like here we go again.”
Nick tapped his finger against his lower lip as he slowly opened his eyes, then stared casually out the side window of his car.
“Nick, can you hold on for a moment or two? I need to answer this call and it will only take a second.”
“Yeah… go ahead.” Suddenly he was listening to silence on the other end, and his thoughts drifted about like boat sails against the wind. The day had grown a bit warm, beat the predicted high temperature, and people walked about with their windbreakers and jackets off. Some had their garments tied around their waists while others held loosely on to the articles of clothing as they journeyed up and down the street. The sun’s silky yellow shoulders were shrouded in a cottony kiss from clouds that dared to ask for her rays in marriage. The azure firmament wrapped around her heated glow like a shawl, as if hiding the blazing sun goddess like a demure woman on her wedding night.
Here was the type of day that invited good times, and good times always summoned trouble. Back in his past life, the one hanging over his former life waving a bell of familiarity, he recalled what he’d done on such days as this. He had a hearty penchant for them, for they made him restless and encouraged him to make himself promises, embark on a mission to seek and destroy himself, one bottle, shot glass and white, powdery inhale at a time. He’d pair the whole damn experience with some porn, typically hard fucking, the kind that made the woman’s mascara weep down her damn cheeks as her orgasms caused her muscles to tense and her entire body to stiffen then quiver from head to damn toe.
The next step would be him calling up a woman soon after; no need to waste a perfectly good erection. He’d become more sexually aroused when he drank and chased it with cocaine, or so he thought… Didn’t matter, he seldom recalled the details, but with Taryn, he was making love and remembering every damn kiss, caress, the salty sweetness savored between her
thighs. He could replay every constricting hug from her sugar walls, and each and every single climax that often shoved and pushed him into his own with little to no warning. Yeah, he had all of this… and he hadn’t touched not one drop.
“Sorry about that.” The man interrupted his daydreaming.
“Yeah, look, Mr. Jones, I—”
“Call me Robert.”
“Robert, I know about some of your daughter’s past relationships. Unfortunately, the entire world does. Here’s the thing though,” he scratched the bulb of his nose. “I can only worry about myself. I can’t focus on the man before me, because now he is behind me and there will be no man after me, so I prefer to live in the here and now.”
The man went quiet and offered no additional words. “I understand that,” he finally said. “My reason for telling you is to try and explain myself, not to discourage you or cause you worry. I’m the one that’s worried, Nick. I don’t want to see her lambasted or hurt again.”
“Let me ask you something, Robert…”
“Yes?”
“Do you believe I love your daughter?”
The pregnant pause lingered, surpassing its due date before the man finally answered, putting an end to the stilted silence.
“…I honestly don’t know, Nick. But I know that she believes she loves you.”
“Well, let me share something with you, okay? When I first met your daughter, she stood out to me for all the reasons you’ve described within the last five minutes of our conversation. The other reason is something you’ve yet to really hit on.”
“And what’s that?”
“You say she’s intelligent, but then you don’t believe that intelligence touches all aspects of her life. It’s like you think it’s selective, like a game of eeny, meeny, miny moe. You think because she has been in relationships that didn’t work out, she doesn’t have the ability to choose a good boyfriend ever. You act as if once we make a mistake in judgment, our future decision making about that same thing will always be impaired. I get it though, alright? You think she might be attracted to bad guys, but all you want is for her to have perfection, or at least someone that won’t fuck around on her… sorry for my language.”
“That’s alright…”
“You see, you struggle between parental role and casual observer. I don’t have that issue.” He pointed to himself, regardless of the fact that the man couldn’t see him. “Intelligent people do stupid things sometimes, just like everyone else.” He chuckled. “I think I’m intelligent, too. I’d have to be in order to still be alive. Hell, intelligence is not a super power; it just means a person can grasp concepts that may be harder for someone else to understand. Intelligence can also mean that a person can decipher information in a way that benefits them, and create from it.”
“I’d agree with that…”
“It means a lot, and can be interpreted all kinds of ways, but intelligence is like a flight of stairs, you know? You can fall down… doesn’t mean you can’t get back up and ascend. Being smart doesn’t mean someone won’t pick losers or won’t become an addict, or won’t get caught up in their feelings. Some of the most intelligent people are out of their damn minds. I work in law enforcement, as you know, and the smartest sons of guns were some of the most dangerous. But here is the key; intelligence also means that we learn from our mistakes.
“I believe Taryn has learned from her mistakes, Mr. Jones, and so have I. We are human though; we’ll still mess up. I can’t promise you that I’ll never drink again. It is my intention not to, though. I don’t want to; I don’t want to be the person I left behind. What I can promise you is that I won’t hurt your daughter or hold her back, and the only way to ensure that is me not drinking, so, it kinda goes hand in hand.”
“So… Taryn is keeping you sober?”
“No, that’s not what I said. What I’m saying is that I’m keeping myself sober and if for some reason that changes, I love her enough to let go. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie to you. I handled stress with it, and I got plenty of stress, man… plenty of it. But.” He shrugged and grimaced. “It’s a day-by-day situation.”
“Yes, I’ve heard that. I went to an Al-Anon meeting when she first…well, when she seemed to have a problem.”
“Say it, Mr. Jones. Taryn is a recovering addict. What are you afraid of? You see it as a reflection of yourself, right? Like because she abused prescription medications, that means you somehow are at fault.”
“Yes, I did have thoughts like that at one time.” The man sighed.
“Look, Mr. Jones—Robert—I really encourage you to keep going to those meetings or whatever meetings you need to go to, to understand this. Read some books, talk to some professionals about this, but whatever you do, you must do something. I can tell you are still struggling with the issue, and based on the way you treated me, you’re still in denial.”
He heard nothing on the other end except increased, heavy breathing.
“Some people don’t think it’s a disease, but at the end of the day, none of that even fucking matters, excuse me… none of that is important. The bottom line is that it destroys people and families, and we don’t have control over it after a while, if we ever did. Taryn is a recovering addict, period. Ain’t no way to pretty that up. It doesn’t define her; it’s just part of what happened in her life. She taught me that. She doesn’t need you to acknowledge it to help her feel worse about herself. She needs you to acknowledge it so that you understand, hold her accountable, and love her anyhow. There’s no room for being in denial… it hurts us.”
“I’m not in denial, it’s just… I guess, hell, maybe I have been,” the man said woefully. “I must say this conversation is going much more different than I imagined. I’ve been listening to you, taking in what you’re telling me. Some things I agree with, some I question… but you have given me some food for thought.”
“Well, that’s a start. Nobody wants to admit this is what has happened, but you have to. She’s one of the most self-aware people I’ve ever known. What Taryn did was help show me how to start the process, you see? That’s one of the hardest parts. She already knew how—she’d been through this too many times. My struggle was getting to the heart of my problem, really taking a good look at what started this whole mess. It was too painful, too upsetting. I don’t like to feel stuff like that. I don’t like being upset or focusing on myself like that.”
“You’re macho.” Mr. Jones chuckled. “You look the part, but I know there’s more to you. I can see that now.”
“Macho, machismo, is code word for male hurt. That’s all the hell it is… Addiction is personal, but it affects everyone. It reaches out like octopus tentacles and wraps its slimy arms around every-damn-body who cares about us. Your daughter understood this. Her issue was accepting that things had changed, that she had to start over and in a whole new and different way. We had totally different battles, but they required the same amount of work and dedication. She was my personal trainer, and I was hers.”
“So, you’ve found a kindred spirit? In my child, no less…”
“Yes.” He nodded, his lips kinked in a grin. “She’s my best friend. Some people, including yourself, think our relationship is a mistake. If she is a mistake for me, then she is the best one I’ve ever made.” He chuckled, causing the man to offer a stilted laugh or two. “I just want to love her in peace, ya know? I’ve loved her through walls, I’ve loved her through secrets and a bunch of whispers, I’ve loved her through notes and dreams, through tears and insurmountable pain. It’s time for something else. It’s time to love her through joy.”
“Nick, I… I am honestly impressed by you. I can’t say that I feel great about this, but I do feel a bit better. I trust that you want what is best for Taryn, at least that is your intention.”
“Do you know what was one of the first things she said to me when she realized I liked her as more than a friend?”
“What?”
“That she couldn’t be
with a user, an addict. Taryn didn’t want another loser, Mr. Jones. She wanted someone who could understand her, have her back, and love her with everything they had. She had to see me working that program, and working it hard, and she has to see me continue to be serious about my recovery. I go to my meetings, I talk to her, we communicate. I don’t believe for one second she would stay with me if I started abusing again. Maybe after one relapse, or even two, but once it became an ongoing problem, she’d turn her damn back and walk away. I can never let that happen… not today, not tomorrow, not next year or the year after that.
“I know who I am and how I operate, even in my sickness. As for you believing she chooses the wrong men, well, I can’t answer for why she picked the guys she did in the past. All I care about is that this time, she chose me, and she chose wisely.”
“Hmmm.” The man laughed lightly. “Yes, I can appreciate that.”
“And I love your daughter, Robert. I am so in love with her that I would protect her at all costs, even if I had to give up my own life or step out of hers, just as I said… even if in protecting her, I must safeguard her from me.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, caught up with the thought of leaving her, and that hurt too damn much…but he meant what he’d said.
“She makes me feel like I can do whatever I put my mind to. She gave me strength when I was weak and at my lowest point. She has seen things in me that no one else has seen because I trusted her enough to show her. She’d earned it, and I needed it. She helped teach me how to love myself and in that process, my heart opened up. It ended up with me realizing I was worthy of getting and staying clean, that I meant something!” He beat on his chest. “Robert, she’s my world! Your daughter is your child, but she’s my everything and she lives in my heart!”
In the Nick of Time Page 49
