by Caro Fraser
Anthony stopped a foot away from her desk, surprised by her tone. ‘Sorry,’ he said, faintly offended. ‘I didn’t realise you were too busy to chat.’
Camilla looked up. ‘We have nothing, absolutely nothing to chat about. Leave me alone.’
Anthony was struck by the miserable, stony look in her eyes. His mind faltered, filling suddenly with guilt. Until he knew exactly what was wrong, he had no choice but to make his response defensive, tentative. ‘Come on,’ he said mildly, ‘I thought we’d sorted things out. What I did was stupid and impulsive. I hoped you’d forgiven me—’
‘You are unbelievable.’ Camilla laid down her pen. ‘You still intend to stick to that lie, despite the fact that you might have known that Sarah would tell me everything sooner or later. How can you?’ She sounded genuinely bewildered. ‘How can you conduct a two week affair with someone while I’m away, then lie about it, pretend it was a one night stand, and still say you love me and that you want me to move in with you? I thought I knew you so well. I’m a complete idiot. No doubt that’s what you were counting on.’
Anthony tried to interrupt, bleakly aware that the entire house of cards was coming down around his ears. ‘It might as well have been just one night, for all that it mattered. Oh, God, I never wanted this to happen. I can’t explain to you why—’
‘I don’t want you to explain anything. I only want to know one thing.’ She paused, gazing at Anthony. ‘Did you make love to her every night while I was away?’
There was a brief silence, in which Anthony felt swamped by horrible and complete humiliation. ‘That’s not the point. The point is that it’s you—’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes. Almost. But it meant nothing, it was something I couldn’t help—’
‘Anthony, do go away. It’s finished,’ Camilla said with weary unhappiness, picking up her pen.
He hesitated, watching her begin to write calmly, aware of his own sudden desperation, his mind scrabbling in a futile way for a means of salvaging the situation. He began to speak, but she interrupted him.
‘Go away.’
He tried again, this time raising his voice a little in frustration, but at that moment Gerald came in, bearing sandwiches and a cup of coffee, and Anthony stopped in angry embarrassment. Realising he had no choice but to leave, he went back to his own room and closed the door. He stood by the window, hands in pockets, staring down at the courtyard, his mind bleak and wretched. There was no way back now. If Sarah had let Camilla know the extent of what had happened, then he couldn’t see how it could ever be put right. He had taken a perfect and genuine love, and utterly destroyed it. Had it been a risk he wanted to run, he wondered. Did he possess some deep, subconscious urge to bugger up every relationship that was halfway good? He thought of the way Camilla had looked at him and almost groaned aloud. All the qualities he loved most in her were the very ones which made it certain that she would not forgive him. He knew that. He sat down at his desk and gazed inertly at the papers which were spread out before him. It was finished. The one relationship for which he had had real hopes, and he had brought about its end.
For a while he did nothing, just sat contemplating the destructive extent of his behaviour. Although he could happily have wrung Sarah’s neck, he knew that her part in this was minimal. It was all his own doing. Sluggishly he tried to force his mind to think of other things, and remembered his conversation at lunch time with Chay. Slowly he pulled his address book from the drawer, looked up Rachel’s work number and rang her. At least it was something to take his mind off all that had just happened.
‘Rachel? It’s Anthony.’
‘Oh, Anthony - hello.’ Rachel sounded mildly surprised. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine,’ he lied. ‘Listen, I’ll tell you why I’m ringing. I don’t know if you know, but Leo has more or less disappeared from the face of the planet. Everyone’s rather worried about him and we can’t raise him at his London flat—’
‘He’s at Stanton,’ cut in Rachel. ‘I saw him over the weekend.’
‘Stanton? That’s his place near Oxford?’ Anthony was relieved at the news.
‘Yes. He said he was taking some time off. He seemed - well, a bit overwrought. As though things have got on top of him. His personal life and so on.’
That boy, thought Anthony. The one Leo had mentioned, the one he was so happy about. God, he might have known. He felt an unreasoning anger. ‘Did he say anything about when he was coming back?’
‘No. I only went there because he was looking after Oliver for me. My mother died at the weekend, you see. It was very sudden. Actually, you’re lucky you caught me. I just came in to tidy up some loose ends. I have to take some time off, see to the funeral, go through her things …’ Rachel’s voice trailed off.
‘I’m really sorry.’ Anthony allowed a respectful little pause, then said, ‘Could you give me Leo’s phone number there and some idea of where the house is? I think someone from chambers should try and have a word with him. He’s left us in a bit of a jam, as you can imagine.’
‘Yes, I can. Hold on a minute.’ After a few seconds Rachel gave Anthony the phone number and directions to the house. Anthony thanked her and was about to hang up when Rachel said, ‘By the way, can I ask you something? It’s about Leo. I just wondered if he’d said anything about his application in respect of Oliver. You know, the access business. I thought if he’d mentioned it to anyone, it would be to you. He’s very close to you. I’m worried that it may have contributed to - well, to his problems.’
Anthony hesitated. ‘It might have. He has mentioned it in passing. I know that Oliver means the world to him and the past few months have been very tough - well, they must have been tough on both of you.’
‘Yes …’ Rachel sighed. ‘Anyway, I just wondered.’
‘Right. Look, thanks for your help. Bye.’
Anthony hung up, fingering the piece of paper on which he’d jotted down Leo’s address and number. His hand moved to the phone again, hesitating. He stood up, folding the piece of paper and slipping it into his pocket, and went downstairs.
‘Henry, I’m taking the rest of the afternoon off. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Right ho.’
Anthony took a taxi back to Kensington, studied his road map briefly, then set off in his car for Oxford.
Leo’s Aston Martin sat on the broad gravel driveway in front of the house. Anthony parked and got out, relieved to see that Leo was there. He knocked, waited for a while, then knocked again. Perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps Leo had gone off somewhere. He had a picture of him, trudging the fields and roads at dusk, trying to exorcise whatever demons were tormenting him. But as he was about to turn away, Leo opened the door. Anthony was as much surprised by Leo’s altered appearance as Rachel had been.
‘Hi,’ said Anthony a little uncertainly. ‘I thought I’d look you up. We’ve all been worried about you.’
‘We?’ Leo’s expression was blank, almost dismissive. He didn’t look as though he was glad to see Anthony.
‘You know - everyone in chambers.’ Anthony still stood on the doorstep, wondering if Leo was going to turn him away.
But after a few moments Leo sighed and said, ‘Come in.’
Anthony closed the door behind him and followed Leo into the drawing room, where the fire was burning low. A book lay open, face down, on the sofa where Leo had been lying reading. Leo picked it up and closed it, then sat down with it on his lap. He looked up at Anthony. ‘Sit down.’
Anthony sat in the armchair opposite. There was a silence. ‘So,’ said Anthony, ‘what have you been up to since you left?’
It was a few seconds before Leo spoke. ‘I suppose you could call it a re-evaluation.’ His tone was flat. Anthony didn’t think he had ever seen so spiritless a Leo in all the time he had known him. He found it disturbing.
‘A re-evaluation?’
‘Of everything. Myself, my life. What I am, what I’m not, what I should be.’
Anthony nodded thoughtfully. There was another silence, then he said, ‘Actually, I pretty much liked you the way you were.’
For a second something quickened in Leo’s expression. ‘Did you? That’s kind of you, Anthony. But things are not the same. Please don’t think you can just pop down here and try to sort me out. You know nothing about how things have been with me recently. In fact, we haven’t actually been very close for a while, have we? You’ve been busy with Camilla—’
‘That’s finished,’ said Anthony quickly. He stood up abruptly and paced round the room. Leo sat in silence, watching him. ‘I did something bloody stupid and it’s over. Anyway, that’s not the point. I’m here to talk about you. To help, if I can.’
‘I rather think I may be beyond help. At any rate, the kind you’re able to offer.’
The remoteness of Leo’s manner caused Anthony to feel an instant’s anger and unhappiness. ‘Why don’t you let me try? You’re behaving as though I’m an unwelcome guest that you can’t wait to see the back of. The way you’re talking, this distant manner of yours—’ He stopped, looking down at Leo, suddenly filled with the recollection of all that they had once meant to one another. The time in this room when Leo had kissed him, and held him. That had been so precious. Whose fault was it if distance had grown up between them? He hesitated, then sat down next to Leo and laid his hand upon his arm. ‘Tell me. Just tell me everything, and then see if I can help,’ said Anthony gently. ‘I haven’t forgotten, and neither have you.’ Their eyes met, and an instantaneous current of feeling passed between them. Anthony was startled by its intensity, filled with sudden longing and affection. ‘I still love you,’ he said, not in the least surprised at how easily the words came.
Leo leant back, closed his eyes, then moved his arm so that his hand clasped Anthony’s. Something seemed to loosen within him, a kind of emotional release. Then he began to tell him about Joshua and all that had happened.
When he had finished, Leo opened his eyes and stared blankly ahead. ‘What do you do about love? It takes hold of you and makes you utterly powerless. Perhaps I give in to it too easily.’ He turned and looked at Anthony. ‘Do you think I give in to it too easily?’ He searched in Anthony’s brown eyes for an answer. Anthony said nothing. ‘Why couldn’t it have been you? Why not someone kind, with no mercenary motives, that I can be on equal terms with?’ asked Leo thoughtfully. ‘Why?’
‘Because - because I didn’t let it happen,’ said Anthony quietly. ‘If I had, it would probably all have ended just the way it did with Joshua.’ There was a brief silence. ‘Perhaps we were lucky,’ went on Anthony. ‘I’m still here. One way or another, I always will be. You should be asking why it couldn’t have been Rachel. I’ve never understood that.’
‘Oh, Rachel,’ groaned Leo. ‘Everything was wrong there from the beginning. My fault. My motives. Everything we do comes back on us. She tried. She really tried. But I can’t give her what she wants. I couldn’t even tell her about Joshua. She wouldn’t understand. Wouldn’t want to. It was hard enough keeping up a brave front with her when she came to fetch Oliver.’ He laughed ruefully. ‘Oliver seems to be the only person I don’t have to pretend with, and that’s because he’s too little to care. But I’ve made a complete balls-up where he’s concerned, of course.’ He passed a hand across his face, rubbing at his beard. ‘Another thing that hasn’t helped,’ he added, ‘is that I started to get some rather unpleasant emails. In fact, that adjective doesn’t begin to describe how vile they were.’
‘At chambers?’
Leo shook his head. ‘At home.’ He reflected for a moment. ‘Do you know, they actually frightened me. I’ve never received anonymous messages before.’
‘Who do you think sent them?’
‘I’ve no idea. Someone who plainly dislikes me. That covers a fairly broad sweep.’
‘What about Joshua?’ ventured Anthony.
‘No,’ said Leo thoughtfully. ‘I don’t think Joshua disliked me. And he wasn’t that kind of person. Joshua was - was far too …’ He stopped and sighed, a look of pain creasing his features.
‘The point is,’ said Anthony gently, ‘what are you going to do? You can’t just hide away down here for ever. Two weeks is a long time in anyone’s politics, and your practice is going to suffer if you stay away much longer.’ He paused, wondering if this was a wise thing to say. Given Leo’s frame of mind, it was possible that he didn’t want to give work any thoughts at present. He added tentatively, ‘There’s the museum as well. Chay’s a bit worried about the Anthony Caro sculpture.’
Leo sighed. ‘Oh, he’s no need to worry about that. That’s all tied up.’ He glanced at Anthony. ‘When’s the next trustees meeting?’
‘Wednesday. I think Chay would like you to be there. Things are coming together now and he’s getting rather nervy. Besides,’ added Anthony, ‘there’s also a chambers meeting on Friday. Jeremy’s going to try and bulldoze through his proposals for moving to Sussex Street. You don’t want to lose your say in that.’
Leo pondered this. ‘No,’ he said. ‘You’re right. When I came down here I didn’t care if I never saw chambers again. But it’s just about all there is, in the long run. That, and Oliver.’ He stared at the carpet, musing. ‘I suppose a couple of weeks away has helped me to come to terms with things. Nursing one’s wounds in solitude is ultimately extremely boring. And I rather think that work has become a habit which is impossible to break. I keep thinking about it, about cases.’ He glanced at Anthony, a slight smile betraying some of his old animation. ‘Believe it or not, throughout my hermit-like existence of the past two weeks I have found myself wondering if it might not be a good idea to serve some interrogatories on the other side in that salvage case, just to upset Sinclair’s. What do you think?’
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
‘You’ll be pleased to know that I tracked Leo down,’ Anthony announced to Henry the following morning.
‘Well, that’s something. I’d be even more pleased if I knew when he was going to show his face again.’
‘Quite soon, I think.’ He glanced at Felicity and smiled. ‘Congratulations, by the way - David told me on the way in. When’s the baby due?’
‘May,’ replied Felicity.
‘Sorry you’ll be leaving us, though. Is that for me? Thanks.’ Anthony took his mail and went upstairs. Outside his room he bumped into Sarah.
‘Good morning,’ she said amiably.
‘Possibly for you,’ replied Anthony coldly. ‘Tell me - is it something pathological, this desire to interfere in other people’s lives, to ruin relationships?’
Sarah smiled. ‘Oh dear, has your past caught up with you?’
At that moment Anthony could hear Roderick’s footsteps descending the stairs. He’d by no means finished saying all he wanted to say to Sarah. He opened the door of his room and gestured to her to go in.
He closed the door and turned to her. ‘Why did you have to tell her? What earthly good has it done any of us?’
Sarah sighed. ‘You don’t get it, do you? It’s not her finding out that’s messed things up. It’s you. And if it hadn’t happened now, it would have happened sooner or later. Face it. I’ve probably done you a favour. Just think how it would have been if she were to find out about you six or seven years from now, perhaps with a jolly little baby or two around. Now, that really would be an unhappy situation. As it is, she knows the kind of person you are, and she can go off and find someone who really is stable and considerate and faithful, and all those other boring things.’
‘What would you know about the kind of person I am?’ demanded Anthony, smarting none the less from the painful truth of this.
‘Put it this way - you may dress and sound and behave like all the other drips in this and every other set of chambers in the Temple, and you may want to lead a nice conventional life, but you just can’t handle it. You have this ideal, this cosy, safe relationship that you want to construct with someone, so that you can hide away from reali
ty. Do you think if we hadn’t got it together a few weeks ago that you and Camilla would have lived happily ever after? If it hadn’t been me, there would have been someone else. You’ll never be satisfied, Anthony, because you don’t really know what you want. You just think you do. Or you think you know what you ought to want. You’re like Leo, living a lie. Only at least Leo woke up to the fact a year or so ago. When are you going to?’ Anthony said nothing. ‘Anyway, I’ve got work to do. Can’t keep dear David waiting.’ She left, closing the door behind her.
Anthony turned and walked slowly to the window, his hands in his pockets. Was all that true? Was he destined to go through life trying to find the perfect partner, only to see each and every relationship come to nothing through his own perfidy and weakness? He tried to trace the evolution of his feelings for Camilla. He had liked her, he had enjoyed the safe acceptance that he found in her. It had been easy to make himself fall in love with her. Was that what he had done? Made himself? He remembered the first time he had made love to her and realised that there had been a sense of completion about it, as though he had taken another satisfactory step on some then unspecified road. The road to the right relationship. Certainly he had wanted her but, as he had discovered, he wanted most attractive young women, in a random, automatic sort of way. And asking her to move in with him - had that just been an attempt to parcel it all up neatly? It was hard to tell how much was genuine, and how much manufactured. He felt pain at having lost Camilla, but less than he had imagined. Surely if he really had been in love with her, the loss would have been devastating, crippling?
He stood moodily by the window, looking down, and suddenly a familiar figure came through the archway and across Caper Court. Leo was walking rapidly towards chambers, his cashmere coat slung carelessly over his shoulders, looking for all the world as though nothing had ever happened to disturb the tranquillity of his life. He had shaved, Anthony noticed, though he hadn’t yet had his hair cut, its silver fringe an inch or so over his collar. He saw Leo stop to chat with another barrister crossing the court, their breath making little smoky plumes in the cold air as they talked. As he stood at the window watching him, Anthony was struck by the force of his affection for the man. He had always taken Leo’s presence for granted, even in those times when they were not close. The sound of his voice, his rapid step on the stair, the sight of his smile - Anthony realised that they were part of his own security. Leo and the other barrister parted company, and Leo’s figure disappeared from sight below. Anthony thought about what Sarah had said. Were he and Leo alike? Perhaps. He recalled the feelings he had once had for Leo, and wondered whether he hadn’t found more pleasure and intellectual stimulation in Leo’s company than that of any woman. Not just intellectual. There had been a time when he had thought that he and Leo could be more than just friends. But at what cost? His tenancy, almost certainly. He could not imagine how things would have been. Besides, he had been young and too afraid, too confused by his feelings. Perhaps Sarah was right.
