“But-”
“Look. You took the pride route and made things so murky between you that I don’t think you now up from down when it comes do him. You should never have made him think you’re only in it for the sex. It’s cheap and demeaning and it lessens the role you have in his life as the mother of his child.”
Well damn.
“I just wanted to keep a little power in the-”
“Yup. Classic love tactics Beck. I don’t know if he loves me and I’m afraid to say it out loud, even to myself, so I’ll give him what he wants and hope he gets there quick and puts me out of my misery by professing his undying love. And then we live happily ever after.”
Dammit.
“Newsflash babydoll, unless a guy is born with a million times more oestrogen than his balls can handle he ain’t saying squat first. That’s the chick’s thing. If you’re giving a guy the goods and keeping level, not saying a word, he’s gonna figure you’re okay with the status quo and assume things will be fine.”
“So it’s my job to do all the emotional heavy lifting?” I screech, springing to my feet-it’s more of a groaning heave that I can’t fully complete without Dillon’s help, but I want it to be a graceful movement so that’s what I’m calling it-and glare down at his golden head.
“Naw Beck, you’re misunderstanding me babe. All’s I’m saying is that if you give a man the idea that you’re tight with being a fuck buddy and a‘Friend’ he’ll see that as an easy out. If you want more you’re gonna have to tell him.”
“But I did.” I say, blushing profusely.
Yeah, I’d let that one slip too and told him about being so afraid that Devon had heard my screamedavowals of love. Mortifying but who else can I say these things to? Lila would call Devon up and start blasting him for not reciprocating and the rest, well I want Devon to have full use of his legs so I wouldn’t dare tell Lo or Grey.
“Doesn’t count sweetpea. I love you during sex is like saying ‘oh yeah, harder’.”
Crumpets!
“So…”
“So go home, sit down with your guy and give him the scoop. Be totally, brutally honest about your feelings and expectations and then, if, and only if he doesn’t reciprocate you come on home to me and we’ll get you a baby daddy. Capisce?”
Chapter Twenty Three
My palms are sweating, like profusely as I make my way to the front door and into the quiet house. It’s only two in the afternoon so the boys are at school, Garret has officially started college and has elected to rent an apartment off campus ‘to experience the culture-I know college kid code and I know he’s just looking for a place to take and make tail.
That leaves the house empty but for Devon who I know is sitting at his desk right now on a conference call to his UK offices.
I’m nervous, like shitting pellets nervous, as I let myself in and press an ear to his door. The low drone of voices tells me he’s nowhere near done with his call so I make my way to the kitchen and scan the refrigerator, deciding to make some sandwiches before I head in there and totally strip myself bare.
“Ham on rye?”
I squeak and jump when a pair of muscular arms surround me from behind and weak fool that I am I relax back into him and close my eyes, soaking up his heat and comfort like a starving puppy.
“Hhhmm, thought you could use something light after your calls.” I murmur, pulling away to seat myself at the table. I’m so big-yeah, the baby is gonna be a house like his dad and uncles-that I feel like a T-Rex trying to get at my food, it’s so far away thanks to my belly.
“This is good babe.” He says around a mouthful. “What did you do today?”
“I went to visit Dill.”
That gets an immediate response and I see his sandwich drop back to the plate and feel the silence lengthen before steeling myself and looking back up at him.
Devon hates Dillon so I usually don’t tell him when we get together for coffee of just a hang out session. Usually. Today however I’m going for full disclosure so…
“I don’t want you seeing him Rebecca. At all.” He finally says and from that coldness I see in his eyes-the mention of my name too-I know he’s not kidding.
“Dillon is my friend.”
“Afriend who wants more than just friendship!”
“Like you?” I yell back, reaching the end of my tether. “We’re friends aren’t we?” I screech, curling my fingers around the words, letting him know how scornful I am of the term.
“Because you set the parameters! You wanted to be roomies. You wanted to be friends with fucking benefits! I bloody proposed to you!”
Hoo boy, he’s angry now.
“What’s more I basically had to trick you into staying in our bed after we made love. I give you everything you need imp, everything I could possibly think you need, space, fuck; you don’t even let me hold you at night! What more do you want from me!”
Taking a deep breath because I feel so choked by his snarled confessions that it’s hard to breathe, I force myself to hold his eyes and say the only thing I can. Jesus I hope Dill is right on this one because ripping my barriers down is not easy for me.
“I want you to love me.” I whisper after a beat, blinking once only to keep our eyes locked. “I want you to love me the way I love you or I…I have to leave. Living with you and the boys is great and I love having all the energy and affection that you guys share. It’s like walking into the candy store and having no limits, but it’s hard to keep up when I feel like I’m allowed to eat everything but the peanut butter cups.”
Stop rambling Becky!
“I love you. I think my feelings went from girlhood crush to full on love when I brained Lila’s mom and you laughed and pulled me to safety. I wouldn’t have slept with you if I didn’t. And yeah, I’ve been a total bitch because you hurt my feelings when you just left without saying anything the next morning.
“So here’s the thing. I want you to feel more for me, no I need for you to feel more, but if you don’t, you need to tell me now so I can get it in my head that we’re friends and soon to be co-parents. Only. I can’t keep fooling myself that less is enough and I don’t want to force you to have to say anything you don’t feel. And-”
“Shut up imp.” He finally whispers, cutting off my flow.
When I finally refocus on his face I see that he’s smiling and reaching for me and I go willingly, wrapping myself around him as he pulls me into his lap.
“Of course I bloody love you woman! I went without sex for months just waiting for you to finally want me. And honestly, what’s not to love? You’re sexy, smart, funny and you fit in with my lads like you were made for us.” He growls, cupping my jaw and turning my face up for a gentle kiss.
“No-”
“Yes.” He whispers against my lips, blending his breath with mine. “You’re fucking perfect.”
And just like that my world, no my universe has new possibility and meaning. You’d think I would have locked on to the ‘I love you’ like a fish to water but it’s the conviction in his eyes and the reverent kisses against my trembling lips as he calls me perfect that seals the deal and makes my heart start beating again.
With tears threatening I do the one thing every feminist on the planet will orgasm over.
“Will you marry me Devon Baxter? Please. I love you so very much and I want nothing more than to be yours.”
“Yes.”
He kisses me before the syllable is finished, turning me to straddle him, his gentle hands pulling my sex as close to his erection as the weight and size of my belly will allow, not nearly close enough but I don’t care as he continues to suck at my mouth and pushes himself into the weeping well between my legs.
“You’re mine imp. Mine.” He growls before clamping a hand over my ass and surging to his feet.
We make love in his office, an awkward but passionate showing of everything we feel.
“I love you imp.” He murmurs minutes later, his hot breath sawing into my
neck as I melt into the sofa and close my eyes on a smile.
Everything is so perfect I feel weightless and free. Nothing can hurt me now. Can it?
Chapter Twenty Four
Dev
Everything is utter perfection and for the first time in a long time I don’t want to delve too deeply and test every inch of my feelings. I just want to enjoy the closeness and ease with which I greet every day.
Unfortunately, as is always the case, there is something that is going to shatter some of the peace, something I have to tell my girl that will shift the euphoria we feel now.
I hate it, hate that just when I’ve found that little slice of heaven it’s going to be up to me to spoil the joy I see in her eyes.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah man. I went through his office two days ago when they went out and I found something. My guy at the hospital wouldn’t tell me anything but that they are still doing extensive tests and that I should ask my dad what’s going on. He said it so…he was in the oncology department. You know what that means.”
“Did you talk to him or your mother?” I ask, closing my eyes on a sigh.
Please let him say it was just a normal test for someone of Brand’s age, anything to quell the threat looming on the horizon. But I know it’s not possible. Grey sounds too gruff and down for the answer to be any good.
“Yeah. He went nuts on me at first for snooping and then he just kinda let it all out and…its bad man. He’s got some type of bone cancer. I went a little fuzzy after he confirmed it but…”
“But he’s sick.” I finish, closing my eyes on a groan. “Imp and I just got things settled. We’ve set a date for the wedding.”
“I’m so sorry man.”
“Me too. I’ll talk to imp tonight but Christ, she’s only got a month left on her due date and-”
“She doesn’t need this stress right now man. Let it wait till she has the baby and dad has a clear shot at what treatments they want to do. It can wait.”
My heart eases. A little. And I accept my next words for what they are. Cowardice.
“I will. I won’t say anything until we’re certain and until she’s delivered.”
The calls ends on a sombre note and I lean back wanting nothing more than to go find her and snuggle up in our bed, just to hold her and reassure myself that all in her world is still alright and as it should be.
Maybe I am a coward and for a certainty this silence will come back to bite me in the arse, but for now I will take this burden and carry it alone because there is nothing in this world I will not do for the woman I love.
Even if it means saving her from herself.
***
Becky
Something is totally off with Dev. It’s been three days now that I’ve noticed how jumpy he is every time the phone rings or when the door opens.
I’ve asked, cajoled and flat out demanded an answer but all I get from the lunkhead is a smile and assurance that nothing is wrong and that a deal he’s been working on is not going well.
Deal my ass. The guy could talk an Eskimo into buying ice so I know he’s talking crap.
“You okay sweetie?”
I shuffle around in my seat and poke my straw at the ice in my glass, shrugging at Lila across the table. We’re having lunch in a swanky little out of the way Bistro a block away from her salon, something she’s determined to drag me to on a weekly basis.
I’m not feeling it today but I hadn’t had the heart to let her down so now here I sit, wondering how to get rid of her so I can go home and just veg until Devon gets back.
“Fine. Bored. Fat. Tired. And Devon had some meeting to go to so…”
“That’s a good thing Beck. You guys can’t spend every minute of the day together or you’ll go crazy. Couples need space you know. Look at me and Grey. He does his thing and I do mine and at the end of the day when he comes home I’m ready to rip his clothes off.”
“That’s gross. I suppose you’re right, it’s just that he’s been preoccupied and short of waterboarding him he won’t tell me what’s bothering him.”
“Grey too. He sat in his office all night last night and when I finally got sick of it at two in the morning I found him just sitting there, staring into space.” She grumbles, her eyes strained.
We talk for a few more minutes, our exchanges desultory and half assed before I beg off the salon thing and we both rise to leave. I’m a whale right now and can’t make it ten steps without a break for my poor feet so by the time we get outside into the sunshine I have to stop and cling to a laughing Lila to catch my breath.
I can’t tell you what makes me turn my head to the left and look over at the opposite side walk. Hell, all I can say is that my spine tingled and my receptors sat straight up. But I do, I turn and squint at the hotel across the way, taking in the cars and people and…
Devon, my Devon, holding another woman. Close, like full body contact close and looking down at her affectionately before leaning down and planting a kiss on her cheek.
It all clicks into place for me, mostly because I recognise the woman he’s with and the way she’s clinging to him, just like in those pics I’d seen on the internet after Ryan’s little TMI moment.
The distraction, his silence, the way he hasn’t fully met my eyes.
He’s having an affair with his ex, that piece of garbage slag who’d refused to accept his family. That beautiful, gorgeous pinup princess who doesn’t look like an ad for the Wildlife channel.
“Er Beck.”
“I see him.” I choke out; digging my fingers into Lila’s arm so forcefully she lets off a squeak and tries to pull away. “I see him.”
“Oh God Beck, I’m so sorry. This is-”
“Don’t tell anyone. Promise me.” I demand when my veins finally start pumping blood again-only because the pair stopped hugging long enough to walk into the hotel!-and I can straighten and pull myself together.
I feel numb, closed off, empty in the space of a minute and as the coldness creeps in I savour the detachment that comes with it. Maybe it’s silly, but I feel steadier than I have in days.
This is…so fucked up and yet I feel as if I’ve arrived at a place I’ve been anticipating for so long I know the taste, sound and feel of it all. I’ve been waiting for this, just waiting for something to go wrong and now that it has I feel more solid.
“Beck.”
“No. Promise me you won’t tell anyone what we’ve seen. Promise me Li.” I snarl, making up my mind before she nods and looks down at me with a sad expression I neither want or need.
“Promise. But-”
“Good. Now go, I have something to do.”
“What? No! You and I are going in there to kick both of their asses!”
“Nope. I’m not humiliating myself that way. I have something much more effective in mind.”
****
“Just call him first! That’s all I’m asking.” Dillon yells, throwing me the same look he’s been giving me since I left Lila and turned up on his doorstep. “You can’t just leave things this way. Call him and get his story before you throw away everything on a revenge move Beck.”
I give in and pick up my cell but only because the damn romantic idiot won’t stop haranguing me about how I’m giving precious Devon a bum rap.
He answers on the third ring and I smile nastily at the tone in his voice, wanting nothing more than to slap his smug face one last time before doing what I should have done months ago.
“Imp? Where are you babe, I’ve been worried. I got home and you weren’t here. You know you’re not supposed to be overtaxing yourself right now.”
I seethe at the false concern there and just barely stop from smashing the phone to bits. Deep inside, under the betrayal though is a little spark of hope, the idea that maybe Dill is right and I’m wrong, that Devon has a completely reasonable explanation for seeing his ex and lying to me.
That if I just hear him out and shove my hurt pride to the side, things w
ill turn out okay.
When the feeling settles I feel myself calm enough to speak, something I haven’t been particularly good at, but have to work on if Dillon is right and I need to stop being so defensive and quick to judge.
“I’m at Dill-”
“I told you-”
“I came here to talk to him. He’s my friend and I can trust him. Something I can’t say for you since you’ve been lying to me Devon.”
I hear his indrawn breath and then a sigh, his tone so sad and accepting that I have to close my eyes against the rush of tears I didn’t realize I’m holding back.
“Imp you have to understand I didn’t want to hurt you. We’ve both been so stressed with the situation at home and we only now just found our footing. I didn’t want to risk it.”
Yeah, I’ll bet buddy. You want me at your freaking disposal. If you told me before I would have been long gone and you can’t handle the thought of not getting your way.
“You should have just been honest with me Devon. I’m a big girl you know, I can handle a lot more than you think.”
“I know, I just…forgive me imp.”
My eyes close on a sigh and my anger drains away, leaving me defeated and sad. Of course I forgive him. This situation is not entirely his fault, it’s mostly mine. I’d forced us both into this predicament by lying to myself and wanting something he warned me months ago he couldn’t give.
Of course he would tell me he loves me, what guy wouldn’t when faced with the threat of having his kid raised by another man? Not Devon, never Devon.
He takes family very seriously, something I should have factored in when I made myself a part of his life and started putting the screws to him.
Dammit!
“Look, why don’t you come home and we can discuss things. We can continue as we have been, we just need to talk things through. We can still go ahead with the wedding; we just have to work around our commitments and of course your father-”
JARED (Lane Brothers Book 4) Page 82
