by Holk, VM
She was such a beautiful little girl. For the little time I saw her, I was trying to think who she looked like. She didn't get Izzy's red hair or gorgeous green eyes. She was blonde, with brown eyes. I have dark brown hair and blue eyes. Maybe she takes after Izzy's family, somehow.
I let Lucy back in the house and she runs right past me and back down the hall. I chuckle to myself that she didn't even give me a second look now that dad is home. I decide to make a bag of popcorn too.
I grab a bowl from the cupboard and dump the bag into it. I grab two bottle so water and head back to dad's room to watch a movie.
I hand dad his bottle and walk around the bed to get on the other side. I have to make Lucy move over to make room for me.
"Sorry, she likes to hog the bed."
We both laugh and I settle in. Dad finds a movie to watch on HBO, it has Bruce Willis in it. It's some kind of action movie, I don't know the name of. We lay their silently watching the movie for a while. I hear dad sigh next to me and I glance over to him.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. But you going to tell me what's wrong?"
I shake my head that he can read me so easily. "We ran into Izzy at the restaurant."
"Damn. Well did you get to talk to her at all?"
"No. Anne went up and talked to her. But she was with that John, guy."
Dad nods his head, and turns the TV down with the remote. "Did you think more about what we talked about?"
"That's all I can think about. I have to be a part of my daughter's life. I can't let another man, do what I should be doing."
"Yeah, you are right there. I only wish you could have talked to me then. I wish I asked more, interfered more, something. Maybe this would all me so different now."
"Dad, you can't blame yourself. This is on me. I was young and scared of what might happen. I should have researched more about statutory rape. I don't know if it would have made a difference. Her dad being lawyer, and a great one at that. I don't think I would've stood a chance."
"But you wouldn't have had to do it alone, son."
I grab his hand and squeeze, both needing the comfort.
"I will find a way to get her to talk to me. I don't want to have to get a lawyer. I really don't think that's the right way to deal with this."
"Be careful how you word it to her. It's been eight years, and you haven't been here. She will be very protective of that little girl."
"Your right."
"And stop beating yourself up. You were both young and both to blame. Her parents should have come to me and your mother. We could of all handled it together."
I nod, overcome with my feelings. I never imagined have this with my dad. He heard the whole story and he was on my side. He didn't look at me with disappointment, only concern. This time together has brought us back together. I finally feel the years of not fitting in, drift away. The walls I built around me, start to crumble.
Dad squeezes my hand and turns the TV volume back up. I sit there thinking about Izzy and my daughter. I have to find her and make her talk to me.
Chapter 8
I wake up to the smell of coffee. Dad and I stayed up pretty late watching movies. We did a lot of talking and getting to know each other again. I tossed and turned last night, once I did go to bed.
I get out of bed slowly, not really wanting to get up. But I need to face what I need to do. I need to find Izzy, and plead with her to talk. I'm hoping we can come to some agreement, even if it's small at first.
I shuffle down the hall, into the bathroom. Once I am done with my business, I feel more like myself. I make it into the kitchen, grab a cup of coffee. I find dad sitting on the deck, watching Lucy play. I sit across from him, enjoying the morning sun.
Well the evening didn't end up being as pleasant as I hoped. John and I ended up fighting over Jack. I swear he has only been in town a couple of days and he is messing with my life.
John is a sweet guy and we have been dating for about a year now. We have talked about taking that next step in our relationship, but I'm not sure. I love him, yet I seem sometimes something is missing.
I meet him at the hospital, when I first started there. The first time I saw him, I couldn't help but notice how good looking he is. He is tall, with dark hair with a little gray at the temples and hazel eyes. He walks with a confidence that most doctors do. He is fourteen years older than me, but I never minded that. I also never minded that he was divorced.
We flirted a lot with each other, for almost a whole year. Then he finally asked me out. The other nurses were always trying to get his attention, but he only seemed to look at me.
But lately I feel like we have skipped something in our relationship. Went right to be a family, without all the important stuff in the middle.
So when we fought last night, I've thinking a lot about our relationship. Old feelings for Jack are resurfacing, which is driving me crazy. And now I'm wondering where John and I are headed.
I work the afternoon shift, so I decide to head to the grocery store. I would rather do that, then waste my day off at Kroger's. I make my list out, and walk out to my car. It's only a ten minute drive, which makes it nice.
I pull into the parking lot, and thankfully they aren't too busy. I find a parking spot and pull in. I grab my purse and list. Once inside I grab a cart and head over to the produce section. As I look over the fresh vegetables, I feel someone behind me. I step to the side to let them look as well, and they step next to me.
"You know we really should quit running into each other this way."
I look up to see Jack standing next to me. I sigh and shake my head.
"Yeah," I reply not so nicely.
"Wow, I guess you are still pissed off at me?" he says with irritation in his voice.
What does he have to be mad at me for? He is the one who walked away from me, from us. I needed him and he wasn't there. I'm getting madder by the second.
"Yes, I am. And why shouldn't I be?"
"Hey, sorry. I didn't want to get you upset. Can we please go get a cup of coffee and talk?"
"Talk about what, Jack?" I getting upset and I put my hands on my hips.
"You damn well, what. I haven't seen you since the day you told me you were pregnant. I am the father, Izzy."
"You are the one who left and never looked back. You lost your right to talk to me about any of that."
"What? You wouldn't talk to me. How do you think that made me feel?"
"I don't know what you are talking about. I don't have time for this, I have to shop and go to work."
I left him standing there, watching me walk away. What the hell did he mean, I wouldn't talk to him? He never called or wrote me. How could I talk to him?
I hurry to get what I need, so I can leave and hopefully not run into him, again.
I watch Izzy walk away and wonder what she was talking about. Now somethings are falling into place. I'm sure her parents didn't tell her that I tried calling. I know her father wouldn't have, but I was hoping her mother would. I'm assuming she never received any of my letters.
"Shit." I say to myself.
What am I going to do now? I have to get her to talk to me, really talk to me. Without either of us getting mad, and storming off.
I continue my shopping, making sure not to run into her again. I don't her more mad at me than she already is.
I walk through the door with my arms full of grocery bags. Lucy decides today she will meet at the door. She tries jumping on me, and I hear dad yell for her in the family room.
"Thanks, dad." I yell to him.
I drop the bags on the dining room table, and run out to get the rest. Once I drop those bags on the table, I look in on dad. He is in his favorite recliner, with his feet up. Lucy has wedged herself on the chair with him and he is watching the news.
He looks over to me, "So have fun," he smirks at me.
Neither one of enjoy shopping, never had and probably never will.
"I ran
into Izzy."
I start putting the cold groceries away. I almost thought dad didn't hear me, when he puts his hand on my shoulder.
"Tell me what happened."
"I asked her to please have a cup a coffee with me so we could talk. She got upset and said we have nothing to talk about."
"I'm sure it will take her sometime."
He sits at the dining room table, and helps unload the bags for me. I put them away as we talk.
"I told her I was the father and I had rights. She kept saying I walked away and never looked back. I lost my rights."
"She is hurt and scared."
I nod, "I know. I have a feeling that she never knew I called, and never got my letters."
"Knowing her dad, she probably didn't."
"Yeah, but I was hoping her mom would be different."
"She was trying to protect her daughter, the only way she could think to."
"You’re probably right. I have to figure out a way for Izzy to talk to me. Without getting upset and walking away again."
"We'll think of something."
I look over at dad and he is smiling back at me. Wow, it's a weird feeling to have someone on myside. To actually have someone to talk to about all this and help me figure things out.
"Are you hungry?" I ask.
"Yeah."
I make sandwiches for us. I think about how less than a week, has changed my life forever. I came here, my life at a standstill. My relationship with my dad, not a good one. The thought of my child always at the back of my mind. Then there is Izzy, the one I truly can't get over.
How can a girl I loved in high school, still be on mind? I don't want to admit that my feelings for her, have never really dulled. The realization of that, hits me like a ton of bricks. That is a huge reason why I haven't come home. It's hard to love someone, that doesn't love you back.
I've been distracted all evening at work. I try not to think too much about Jack, but that's hard to do. I saw John working as well, and he only nodded at me in passing. I sigh at myself, how things have changed.
I let Susie, the other nurse working with me, that I'm taking my lunch. She nods, and tells me she will watch my patients. I walk to the elevators, and take it down to the cafeteria. I'm thankful that they haven't closed yet. My mind wasn't right, and I forgot to pack my meal.
Once I pay for my food, I find a table in front of the window. I sit there eating and my mind wonders back to eight years ago...
I knock on my dad's study, hearing my parents in there talking. My dad yells for me to come in. I walk in to see him at his desk and my other sitting in one of the chairs across from him. She is turned in her chair watching me walk in.
I sit in the chair next to mom and see tears streaking her face. I look down at my hands in my lap, knowing that I did that to her. I sit there waiting for my dad to start talking. He has barely talked to me since the night he found out I was pregnant.
That was the worst night of my life. We've never fought like that before. But when I told him Jack and I were going to keep the baby, he lost it. He has always had big plans for his only child. Being a mother at such a young age was not one of them. He took the phone out of my room and I was grounded to the house.
I tried to argue with him, and pleaded with him to let me talk to Jack. But, I couldn't persuade him to change his mind. My dad was not a person to cross. So coming in here today, I had a speech ready, in hopes to getting him to change his mind.
I get distracted from my thoughts, when I look up to see dad get out of his chair. He walks over to the wall of windows, on the side of his chair. He has a great view of the river and woods from here. I decide, now is the time to try to talk to him.
"Dad," I start and he turns. He puts his hand up to silence me. I have learned from the past, which I need to be silence.
I look over to mom and she smiles gently at me. Her eyes are still watery with tears. I turn when I hear dad, clear his throat.
"Your mother and I have decided that we are all going on vacation. We will go down to Florida to visit your grandparents."
"But," I start and he puts his hand up again. This is the side of dad, which has always scared me. I can handle it when we fight and argue. But when he is being serious, there is no use in arguing, he has his mind made up.
"But, nothing. You will stay, once we leave. If you insist on having this baby, you will have it there. Then when it's born we will decide what to do with it."
"We won't decide anything. Jack and I will decide, it's our baby."
"That boy, decided he doesn't want to be a father."
"What are you talking about?"
"He called today, he wanted to talk to you. But I spared you that conversation. He doesn't want this, he is going to college in Montana."
I stand up and look at my dad, "No."
He grabs a piece of paper from his desk and hands it to me. "I have a friend that is a professor there, he faxed this to me."
I take it and read it over, and look back at my father, "I don't understand."
"I only checked, so that you would know for sure. We only want the best for you, and this will be it."
I sit back hard in the chair and feel a tear roll down my cheek. I can't believe that Jack would do this to me, to us. I look down as the tears flow harder, and simply nod.
I shake myself from my thoughts, when I realize what time it is. I need to get back to my patients. I pick up my tray and throw out my garbage.
Once I step off the elevator, I find Susie.
"I'm back, thanks."
"No problem. I'll take mine now, while it's still quiet."
"Okay."
I watch her walk down the hall and I sit down at the desk. I check her notes and find nothing happened while I was gone. I hear footsteps, and look up to see John stop in front of me.
"Hi," I say.
"Yeah. Look we need to talk."
I can tell that he is still upset, "Yes we do. I'm off tomorrow, but I promised Grace I would take her to the park."
"I know that's all she talked about this morning. Anyways, I'm at my office all day tomorrow, so I can't. Can we get together this weekend?"
"Sure. I'll call you."
He nods and I watch as he walks down the hall. I'm sure he is leaving for the night. He never stays this late, he must have been waiting to see me before he left. This conversation, doesn't sound like a good one. I put my chin in my hands, and sigh. What the hell is going on with my life?
Chapter 9
I wake up late, I was tired from tossing and turning most of the night. I worked late, which never helps. But all I could think about was Jack, then I would think of John. I have a feeling he wants to break up with me.
John is older and has been married before. He knows what he wants. I know that he doesn't want to waste time on a relationship he doesn't think is going anywhere. At least he made me feel that way after our very brief conversation.
I drag myself out of bed, needing my coffee to get my day started. I promised to take Grace to the park today.
I look at myself in the mirror, to make sure that I look okay. Kevin is dragging me out to a party tonight, at our friend, Brian's house. His parents are gone for the weekend, so he has been telling everyone about it.
I haven't done much partying this year, not that there are that many anyway. It's January and freezing out, so nobody has them, this time of year.
I hear the doorbell ring, and one of the girls answer the door. I know it's Kevin, so I walk to my door and open it. He is coming down the hall to my room.
"Hey man."
"Hey, you ready?"
"Yeah. What time did Brian tell everyone?"
"Eight, so we can go get food first, or hang here."
"Let's hang here, my mom's making lasagna."
"Awesome, sounds good to me."
We turn on my PS3 that I got for Christmas. I was so excited, my parents went in on it, together. It's brand new, and I know it cost a lot. I had mon
ey saved up from cutting grass over the summer, so I took some of it and bought myself some games.
I put in Madden NFL 2007, and we start a new game. We don't talk much as we play, being guys, we don't have to talk when we are together.
There is a knock on the door, and then mom pops her head in.
"Boy's dinner is ready."
I look over at her, "Okay, thanks."
We pause our game, and go grab food. We scoop up our food onto our plates, and sit at the kitchen table. Mia and Emma come and sit down with us. They are your typical annoying little sisters. Its times like this that I miss Anne, she couldn't move out fast enough. She has never been so happy, living with dad.
Once we are done, we finish playing our game. I look to see that it's eight, and the party is just starting.
I hit Kevin on the chest, "We better get going."
"Yeah."
I let mom know we are going to Brian's house, and that I will be home later. She nods, as she makes popcorn for the girls.
We get into Kevin's car and drive the short distance to the party. Once we pull into the long driveway, we find a spot and park. There are already about fifteen cars here. I hope we can get out of here when it's time to leave.
We walk up, the garage door is open, and so we can go in that door, straight to the basement. We walk right in and take the stairs downstairs.
Brian's basement is finished and huge. There is a bar, on the side of the living room. They have a kitchen down there, with a bar and a full bath. It's the perfect place to have a party.
Brian see's us and runs over, "It's about time you guys got here." He smacks both of us on the back. I laugh and nod my head.
I search the room, as Brian and Kevin head over to the kitchen. I hope she is here. Her name is Izzy, and she is a sophomore. She is beautiful, and I try to steal glances in the hallways at school. I have never had any classes with her, but we share the same lunch. I haven't had the nerve to go and talk to her. A girl like her, probably wouldn't want to go out with a guy like me.
