by Holk, VM
I let up on my grip, feeling a little more relaxed. I look to my left and see that the semi-truck next to me is changing lanes. I must be in his blind spot and before I can slam on my breaks, or swerve, he hits the front end of my car.
The car spins and I try to control it. I end up hitting the truck again, then it spins me into the middle of the expressway and I hit the cement wall. I bounce around inside the car, even with my seatbelt on. Once I hit the wall, my head smacks the driver side window. I see stars, before I pass out.
I open my eyes, slightly. I see a woman looking down at me.
"It's okay. We are getting you out of the car."
I try to move my head to see what is going on. I feel a sharp pain, and groan. I hear someone above me yell not to move. I suddenly feel pain all over my body and I start to panic. The woman puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Please, calm down. We are going to get you out of here. Where do you hurt?"
I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I try again, "Everywhere." It only comes out in a whisper, but she hears it.
"Okay. I'm going to give you something."
I feel a poke in my arm and within a few minutes I feel like I'm floating.
"Hold on honey, we almost have you out."
I nod my head, as I put my hand on my stomach. I hear a loud snap of metal and they start to get me out of the car. I'm finally free, and they are putting me on a gurney.
As they put me into the ambulance, I can no longer keep my eyes open. I am thankful for the escape into sleep.
I wake crying into my pillow. I haven't dreamt about that night in a long time. I wipe my face with the back of my hands. Looking up at the ceiling, I ball up my fists and hit them hard into the mattress.
I want to scream. Why does life have to be so cruel? I thought about Jack late into the night, not sure what to do. He needs to know, but how?
I thought about going and talking to my parents. But that will change nothing, we don't have the greatest relationship. I blame them for what happened, even though I know they were only doing what they thought was best for me.
I sit up in bed, rubbing my eyes. I can't get my dream out of my head and all that happened. My mind wonders back to that time.
I wake to the sound of the machine next to me making that irritating sound...beep, beep, and beep. I haven't opened my eyes, because I am afraid of what I will see, or who. I put my hands on my stomach and pain shoots through me.
I open my eyes, quickly and look around. I see my mother next to me, wiping tears from her eyes. I look through the door, to see my father talking to a doctor. I start to panic, not understanding exactly what is going on.
"Mom?"
Her eyes quickly meet mine. "Oh honey."
She grabs my hand with one of hers, her other brushes hair off my face. I can tell from the look on her face that something is wrong.
"Mom, is my baby okay?" I whisper, afraid of the answer.
Before she can answer me, the doctor walks in with my father closely behind her. She comes up to the other side of my bed.
"Hello Izzy. My name is Dr. Hauff. How are you feeling?"
"Please doctor, how is my baby? My stomach hurts so badly," I say with fear and tears running down my face.
"With all your injuries, we had to do surgery. Your baby had to be delivered early. She is in the NICU, its intensive care for infants. We can let you go down there later, when you are feeling better."
"What? I had a girl." I look from the doctor to my mother. My mother is crying, nodding her head. "I was only twenty-five weeks along, it's too early."
"Yes I know, but we had no choice. It was safer for you and the baby."
"I don't want to wait to see her. I want to go now."
"I will talk to the nurses at NICU, let them know you are coming. So lay still for a little bit, okay?" Dr. Hauff, says.
I nod, with tears streaming down my face. I look to see that my father is standing in the corner of the room looking at me. I can see the disappointment on his face, I look away. My mother sits on the edge of the bed and takes my hand. She leans down and puts her forehead to mine. She looks into my eyes.
"I love you. I was so scared we lost you. I will take you down to see your daughter."
I nod, softly and we cry together. Mom sits up and I look over to see that dad is gone.
"What exactly happened, Mom? I don't remember, much. Things come to me in pieces."
I listen to mom tell me what the police told her. After I hit the cement wall, I was hit by another car. Because of the rain, they couldn't stop. So they slammed into me, spinning the car again and pinning it to the cement wall from the other side.
They had to use the Jaws of Life, to get me out of the car. I finally take a moment to feel myself and my injuries. I have a broken leg, it had been pinned by the door. Mom said, I had two broken ribs and internal bleeding from the pressure of the seat belt.
I realize how lucky I really am. Now I have to worry about my daughter, my poor little girl. I can't help but cry at how unfair this is for her.
A nurse walks in, she walks over to the bed.
"The doctor talked to the NICU. They want you to wait until morning to see your daughter. They are running some tests tonight. You also need to rest some more," she says with a gentle smile.
"Thank you," Mom answers her.
I can only make myself nod in response. I suddenly feel completely drained and my eyes get heavy. I try to fight it, but realize that I need the escape that only sleep can give me.
"Someone needs to call Jack," I manage to say to my mom, before sleep completely takes me.
I shake myself from my thoughts. I feel tears fall onto my hands that are in my lap. I decide to get up, shower and figure out how to talk to Jack.
I get into the shower and feel the water take my stress down the drain with it. I step out of the shower and realize what time it is. I have to hurry, I have to work in about an hour.
I rush back into my room and grab my scrubs. That is one nice thing about being a nurse, I never have to worry about what to wear. I go back into the bathroom and quickly blow dry my hair. Once I have it in a ponytail, I put on my makeup.
Looking in the mirror, I'm satisfied with how I look. I quickly go down the stairs, grab my purse by the door as I leave. As I get in the car, I realize I haven't talked to John yesterday or today.
I miss Grace as well, when I work twelve hour shifts I don't get to see her. I decide that maybe tomorrow we can have a girl’s afternoon.
I feel a twinge of guilt. Life has a crazy way of turning out. I can't stop thinking about Jack and everything has turned out. Through the years, I have thought of him often. Wondering what would have been of my life, if things were different. My relationship from my parents have suffered as well, especially mine with dad.
I know now that he is the reason for the absence of Jack. But why did it take him so long to talk to me. I understood when we were younger, but not eight years.
Chapter 11
I ended up staying at work longer than my shift. Amy called into work because of her son being sick. So I had to wait for someone to fill in for her. I took a quick shower and couldn't wait to get into bed. I fell asleep before my head even hit the pillow.
I wake up in the morning, to see that my room is empty. My spirits lift slightly, knowing that I will see my baby today.
The nurse walks in, "Hello. How are you feeling this morning?" she says with a smile.
"Sore. But I was wondering when I could see my baby?"
"After you eat," she pats me on the shoulder.
I simply nod. I watch as she checks me over. She lifts up the blankets to look at my bandages. She starts working on taking them off, and cleaning the wound. I can't bear to look as she is doing it. I simply lay back and try not to think of the pain. I feel her gently clean the area, before putting new bandages on.
"You're breakfast will be here shortly. I gave you more pain medicine as well. If you need anythi
ng, click the button."
I nod, as she shows me where the button is. She makes it so it's easier for me to reach, before she leaves the room. I watch her leave and decide to turn on the TV, while I wait for my breakfast.
An attendant walks into the room with a smile, carrying a tray. She sets in on the table, across my lap. I thank her before she leaves. I eat quickly, not wanting anything to delay me seeing my baby.
Once I finish as much as I can stomach to eat, which isn't much. I wait as patiently as I can. As I am waiting, mom walks in. We chat about how I am doing.
The nurse brings in the wheelchair to take me down to the NICU. I look over to mom who is sitting in the corner, reading a book. I ask her to let me go down by myself, she reluctantly agrees. I sit in the chair, ringing my hands together. I'm actually nervous to see her, I'm not sure why.
The nurse comes behind me and starts pushing me out the door. I look blankly down the hall, anxious to get where we are going.
We stop in front of some windows, most of the curtains are closed. One of the curtains is partially open and I peer inside. I can see a room full of glass enclosed babies. I suck in a huge breath and cover up a sob with my hand.
The nurse hits a button, on what looks like an intercom.
"Hello, who are you here to see?" the voice asks.
"Hi, Susan, it's Trish. I've brought the mother to baby Bennett."
"Okay, come on in."
The door opens and the nurse pushes me in. The room we enter has a line of sinks and cubbies to put your belongings. There is a shelf of gowns and things to put over your shoes. Another nurse walks in from the other door, looks over to me and smiles.
"I have her Trish," she smiles to the other nurse. "So you are here to see your daughter?"
"Yes. My name is Izzy Bennett. How is she?"
The nurse kneels down to talk to me. I'm scared to hear what she has to say. I only want to see my baby, I don't want to listen.
"Now Izzy have they told you what is going on?"
"No," I whisper.
"Okay. Your baby was born very early, as you know. She only weights one pound four ounces, which we call a micro preemie. She will look different than a normal newborn, so I want you to prepare yourself. She is on a breathing machine, an IV and also a feeding tube. The doctor will come in and let you know exactly what is going on."
"Will she be okay?"
"Honey, I don't know. The doctor will be able to tell you more. Did you name her yet?"
I nod.
"That's great. Now let me show you how to wash up so I can take you in there to meet your daughter."
I've spent the last few days since I've seen Izzy last, feeling sorry for myself. I know life isn't fair and can suck at times. But I need to get my head out of my ass and figure this out. I need to find Izzy, talk to her and hopefully get her to see things from my point of view.
I looked in the phone book and found out where she lives. Deciding to go to her house, I get into dads truck. My mind is all over the place, hoping she will talk to me and is actually home.
Dad talked me through how to handle the situation. I'm hoping that I can keep my cool. Sitting in the truck, sipping my coffee, I try to summon the courage to drive to her house.
Getting my coffee from Sweet Pleasures, I was disappointed that Anne wasn't there. It would have been nice to visit with her, but it's her day off. Once again I feel left out of life here.
Putting the car in drive, I decide it's now or never. I need to stop stalling and get over there to see where things end up.
I pull in front of her house and park the truck. I double check the address I have written down, to the numbers on the house. Seeing her car in the driveway, I know I'm in the right house.
I down the rest of my coffee, before I get out of the truck. Walking up to the front door, I keep wiping my hands on my pants. It's a nervous tick, I've done since I was a teenager. Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door.
I can hear voices through the door and regret coming because she obviously has company. But before I can turn to leave, the door opens. I don't know the woman that has answered the door, but she smiles widely when she sees me.
"Hello."
"Um yeah, hi. I'm looking for Izzy."
"Sure, honey. Just a minute." She turns and yells, "Izzy, you have company."
I look beyond her and see Izzy peek behind a wall to see who is at the door. She smiles, but instantly catches herself. I watch her walk to the door, she is so beautiful. The older she gets, the more beautiful she becomes. The woman at the door laughs and leaves us standing at the door.
"What are you doing here Jack?"
I take a deep breath, trying again to calm myself. "Can we please talk?" I ask, hoping this wasn't a bad idea.
She sighs, "Fine."
We walk onto the porch and sit in two of the chairs. Sitting there, I'm not sure where to begin. I decide maybe the best thing is to jump right in.
"I know I haven't been around the past eight years, but I'm here now."
She puts her hand up to stop me, "No you haven't, but that's not all your fault. I do understand that now. But I need to show you something."
"Okay."
I watch her get up and go into the house. My mind is all over the place, so far it's going better than I thought. Maybe this means she will let me in.
Izzy comes back onto the porch with her purse, "Come on. We are going for a ride."
Following her off the porch and to her car, I'm wondering what she needs to show me. We get in her car and I sit there quietly. I look over at her and can tell something is bothering her.
"Where are we going, Izzy?"
"You'll see."
She won't look at me and I start to worry. When we were younger, she wouldn't look at me when something was really wrong. I tap my knee with my thumb.
"Still have the same nervous tick, I see."
She smiles over at me and I smile back. I forgot how well she knows me.
We turn into Richmond Cemetery and I look back to Izzy.
"Why are we here?"
She doesn't answer me, only keeps driving towards the back. We stop and I look back to her, she simply turns the car off. I follow her, as she walks down the row of head stones. Watching her, she stops and sits in front of one. I simply watch her brush the dirt off the stone and talk.
Slowly I come up behind her and read the head stone. I fall to my knees, my head spinning.
"No," I whisper.
Looking over at Izzy, she simply nods with tears running down her cheeks.
I read the name out loud, "Alma Lynn Bowman. You named her after our grandma's."
Reading the dates, everything crashes down on me. I put my head in my hands, feeling the tears on them. I feel Izzy's hand on my shoulder and she clears her throat.
"She lived for nine days. Jack you wouldn't believe how small she was, but she was our beautiful girl."
Finally having the courage to look Izzy in the eyes, I see so much pain in them. My whole world comes crashing in on me. What I thought was to be my life, is over in a blink of an eye. Then it dawns on me that Izzy had to suffer our loss alone.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."
"I know, but you didn't know." She pulls a picture out of her purse and hands it to me. "It's Alma."
I take the picture from her with and lightly run my fingers over it. "I'm sorry about thinking Grace was our daughter, I assumed." I say shaking my head.
"Don't. It's okay, she is John's daughter. I watch her on my days off, sometimes. She makes me feel closer to Alma."
I sit there staring at the head stone, letting all of this sink in. I listen as Izzy tells me what happened to her eight years ago. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest when she talks about our baby.
When she stops talking, I look up at her. She gets up, comes over to me and sits in my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and I pull her into me. I cry into her shoulder for all that we lost. It
always comforted me to think that our child was out there somewhere, hopefully a happy kid.
Izzy pulls my face up to look into her eyes. Our eyes lock and I grab her head and pull her down to my lips. We kiss with the need to console each other from our loss. Our kiss deepens and I wrap my arms around her. She digs her hands into my hair and I finally feel whole again.
We pull apart from each other and I feel empty. She gets up from my lap and walks a few steps away from me. I can tell she is struggling with something. Walking over to her, I realize that my feelings for her haven't faded as much as I really thought.
I put my hands on her shoulders and try to pull her around to face me.
"Don't. Please," she whispers.
"Talk to me please."
She turns to look into my eyes, "I can't do this with you."
"I know you still have feelings for me. I thought my own feelings were faded and I realize that I still love you Izzy."
She looks at me with pleading eyes, I can see the pain in them. "I can't. I'm still with John."
"But do you love him Izzy?"
She turns away from me and walks back to her car. I watch her get in and wait for me to follow her. So much happened today, it's time to let everything sink in. I get in the car, looking over to Izzy and knowing she needs her space.
Chapter 12
I haven't talked to Izzy since the day at the cemetery. I feel as if I've been walking around in a haze. So much has changed in a short amount of time. My dad has been such a great listener and our relationship has become so much stronger. The idea of leaving is killing me inside.
I have to figure out what the hell I want to do. Hopefully I can talk to Izzy and see if there is anything left between us. From the way we kissed, there definitely is. But I know how life can get in the way of what we want or need.
Tomorrow I fly back home. Yesterday I spent time with Anne and my nieces. I want to have a better relationship with all of them. It was good for dad to get out of the house as well. He is great with his grandkids, it was hard to watch them at first. Knowing that my daughter never got the chance to be with any of us.
