We talked about it for a few more minutes, and I agreed to still come over for a family dinner tonight, sans my dad for now.
“What do you want to do with the rest of the day?” Miles stared at me from across our small bistro table on the balcony of the suite.
“There’s a volleyball game at two,” I suggested. “We’re missing a few of our regulars, obviously, but it could still be fun. I think Lexi would really appreciate the distraction.” I filled him in on why Nathan wouldn’t be joining us after cheating on Lexi. “Then dinner with my mom and brother?”
“Your family isn’t mad at me?”
“Of course not, they’re grateful for what you did, Miles. That’s a big deal.”
“It feels weird to just be going on about our lives with your dad in jail.”
“I know, I agree. But I’m telling you, the calm my mom has about all of this – I would suspect she knows more than she’s letting on. She probably can’t tell me what she really knows, but she sounds…relieved. She sounds okay. My family isn’t perfect, I know that. My dad is a good businessman, but I have no idea what his job entails. But he’s a good, honest man. If he’s innocent, he’ll fight it. I don’t doubt that. But if he did something wrong, he’ll fix it. That’s just who he is. He’s a dad that fixes things. I don’t worry about him in that regard.”
“I hope to be a guy like that – one who can fix everything. I tried, but didn’t quite pull it off like I’d hoped. I still wish there was something I could do about all of this. I tried to make all of this go away without involving him.”
“He’ll take care of it, Miles. I’m telling you, he was…confident. That’s a weird word for this situation, but when he left last night, he just…he was still full of love. This won’t change him. He’ll be fine, and he’ll fix all of this.”
“I can’t imagine having that much faith in someone. It’s really admirable. What I would give for someone to believe in me the way you believe in him.”
“He’s my family. You have to have faith like that in your family, Miles. It doesn’t mean they’re perfect people. But you love and believe in them anyway. That’s how I feel about you. You told me to trust you from the very beginning, and I know things got messy there for a bit, but you always did right by me. I realize that now, even if I didn’t see that at the time. I see why you did it. You’re worthy of my faith in you, Miles.”
“I promise you, V, I will always put you first. Even if it breaks me, I will do everything in my power not to let you down. You’ve made me realize how much that matters. I’ve realized that just because I never knew what that was like before, it’s not too late to believe that now.”
“That’s kind of something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“What?”
“Your family, Miles. Your mom – she misses you. I’m certain of it. I’m not pretending to know a single thing about your upbringing. I know there’s a lot of hurt there – enough for you to want to hide from it, and I’ve been trying to understand that. But I just can’t get your mom’s face out of my head. She just wants to know you’re well. She wants to know you’re happy. Despite your strained relationship, I think any mom would want to hear that from her child. I know, it’s not my place to force you into making amends with her or forgiving her for whatever she did wrong. That can only come from you when you’re ready. But that hole in you – the one you ran away from – that thing that constantly keeps you moving…just let her know you’re okay. Maybe that will at least heal the hole in her.”
“I really don’t think she cares.”
“Miles, I promise you, some part of her does. Maybe she’s not good at communicating it. Maybe she doesn’t know how to show it because she’s too broken to recognize it herself. But there was this emptiness all over her face, and it was heartbreaking. She just seemed lifeless, and I can’t help but wonder if you can help put some of that back together. You guys experienced a serious loss. Maybe I’ll never know what that’s like. But I can recognize a heart that’s hurting, and I promise you hers was aching when she spoke about you.”
“That emptiness you saw in her – sadly I know what you’re describing. That’s just her. There’s no joy there, V. It sucked the life out of me when I lived there. It was toxic. She never looked at me the way your family looks at you. That’s a hard truth. It’s not the same.”
“I’m not naïve enough to believe that every parent has some innate love for their child. I want to believe it, but I know it’s not true for everyone. But that missing piece in you that you’ve been searching for by perpetually starting over every new place you go – you aren’t going to find it there either, Miles. But I’ve seen grace firsthand. She needs it as much as you do. And you know what? Maybe you’ll see her and offer it to her and she’ll still feel nothing. But that’s on her. I still think you need to make your peace with it. The way you carry around all the hurt from what you’ve been through – the way you’ve still felt unsettled ever since you left – you need to heal from that, Miles. It matters.”
“What if it doesn’t fix her? What if nothing changes?”
“Maybe it won’t fix her. Maybe it won’t change her heart at all. But I’m not asking you to do it for her as much as I’m asking you to do it for you. Let it heal you, Miles. That sense of home you’ve never felt before – I don’t think you ever will, holding on to heartache like that. You have to let go of that hurt before I think you can ever feel settled anywhere.”
“I think you’re a really good person,” he said sweetly, resting his hand on top of mine on the table. “I just…I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“There will never be a good time for it, Miles. But why let it affect you forever? All you can do is offer her what you have. Let her know you’re okay. Her heart is already broken from losing a child. When I saw her – she wasn’t just grieving for one. She clearly lost two.”
“You really think I can make her better?”
“I don’t know. But I think letting go of that heartache will make you better. I think it’s the only way you can truly move on from what’s been weighing you down all this time. Release it.”
“Will you go with me?”
“I would go anywhere with you. Yes.”
Chapter 21
The following day we were on a flight to Utah. I felt a little weird about leaving town with everything happening with my dad, but my mom insisted I go, as there was nothing I could do for him by staying.
By early afternoon, we were pulling into the bus station in Grange Hills.
“Are you sure you want me to come with you to your mom’s house? I can wait at the hotel if you’d rather be alone. I understand this is a very personal thing for you. I’m here to support you, but I don’t have to be present if it makes you feel more comfortable.”
“It’s too late, you’re already involved. You know all of my secrets now, so you’re in the thick of it. I wouldn’t be doing this without you. I want you there.”
We dropped off our stuff at the hotel and headed over to his childhood home. Miles knocked on the door twice, but there was no answer.
“Maybe she’s out shopping? Or over at Helen’s?”
“Seems highly unlikely. She never used to leave the house. I can’t imagine much has changed.” He knocked on the door one last time.
We finally heard footsteps, and moments later, I could hear the deadbolt turning. She cracked the door slowly at first, then fully opened it as soon as she made eye contact with Miles.
“When did…you…Miles…you!” She pointed at me as she stumbled over her words. “You brought him home?”
“Hi, Mom,” Miles said quietly. She immediately embraced him in a big hug.
“Nice to see you again, Mrs. Jacobs,” I said politely. She let go of Miles and wrapped me up in a big hug next.
“Please, come inside. I wish I knew you were coming. You could’ve called or something first.”
“I tried. The landline was disconnected. The other option
was writing a letter, but Olivia convinced me to come in person. She thought you might want to see me.”
We entered the home, and nothing had changed since I was there last, other than more dirty dishes around the living room and more pet hair on the sofa.
“I did want to see you, Miles, or at least hear from you. I’ve wondered how you are.”
“You didn’t bother to call me to tell me that Dad passed? That seems like a big deal, don’t you think?”
“Would it have changed anything? Would you have come home then?”
“I don’t know, honestly. But I feel like someone should have told me.”
“When you left you made it clear you were never coming back here, Miles. You swore it.”
“I was seventeen. I was still a child.”
“Well, you held on to your promise pretty good, wouldn’t you say? No calls. No letters. No visits.”
“I was devastated.”
“And?”
“And you did nothing to help that,” he sneered. “Dad was off drunk somewhere, I was completely unraveling, and you didn’t care – about anything. The world around us was in pieces, and you laid around watching soap operas all day, blaming me for your shitty life. It wasn’t fair.”
“What are you so mad about?”
“Everything!”
“And you think I didn’t care?” She narrowed her eyes at him, stepping forward. “I lost a child, Miles. You think I felt nothing? I’ve had a lifetime of feeling every bad feeling there is to feel. Before Maycie even passed, we knew she didn’t have a chance. She had a weak heart, swelling on her brain… I had to grieve for a child I hadn’t even lost yet. Do you know what that’s like? Do you know what that does to a person?”
“I grieved too. Alone. Do you know what that’s like for a child?”
“Miles, why did you come back here? To blame me for having a bad life?”
“Of course not. Just the opposite. I’ve forever wanted to prove that in spite of it, I’ve actually made a good life. All I wanted by coming here was to see that you’ve done that as well – that you’ve actually made something out of all of this. I’d hoped that you found some purpose – some form of happiness or joy instead of all of the bitterness that consumed you when I was here.”
“There’s little to be joyful about, Miles.”
“That’s what breaks my heart about you, Mom. There is an entire world happening outside of this house. I agree with you that we were dealt a bad hand. What happened to Maycie – no one should have to experience that. And yeah, it feels like a crime that the world is still spinning and it’s like nobody else cares about something we cared about so greatly. But nobody wins like that.”
“You don’t understand what I’m saying. There’s nothing left to feel. Nothing good, anyway. When you’re numb, you can’t feel anything. Losing a child makes you numb, Miles. That’s the best way I can describe it. How else am I supposed to feel?”
“I don’t know,” he replied quietly. “I’m just tired of feeling like my heart is perpetually breaking. Every time I think about her, or you – I want to wish it all away. But the sad part is, she’s already gone. But you? You’re not. But it feels like you are.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my life, Miles. Is that why you came here? Because you feel sorry for me? I don’t want your pity, if that’s what this is.”
“That’s not what this is at all,” he huffed back in frustration. “I just…I feel this heaviness in me, and I carry it around all the time, and I hate it. I want more for you, Mom. I wish you realized the world isn’t the way you see it. It’s not all cruel and dark and meaningless.”
“You’re twenty-five, Miles. What would you know about how the world works? You find a pretty girl, and you think you’ll never experience heartache ever again? You’re a fool if you think that. Love is heartbreak. That’s the big secret no one ever tells you. I never pretended with you, Miles. Maybe other parents are comfortable acting like the world is good – trying to teach their kids the world is good – but it’s not. If there’s one thing to be thankful for, I never gave you those disillusions. I never pretended.”
I stood there awkwardly, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Maybe it would’ve been better if Miles came alone.
“You’re wrong, Mom.”
“How would you know? Have you ever loved someone and not let them down? It’s impossible. No sense in believing it is. That’s an inevitable fact. I don’t sugarcoat it.”
“Of course it’s inevitable, I’ve let everyone down. You’ve been sure to point that out my entire life. I’m not disputing that. Hell, I’ve let Olivia down already, and we’ve only had a speck of time together in the grand scheme of things. But I’m telling you, despite our inevitable flaws, you’re missing out on all of the good stuff and you don’t even realize it.”
“Everyone I’ve ever loved has failed me, Miles. I don’t know what you’re asking of me, but you can’t change that.”
“What if I can?”
“What are you even suggesting?”
“I don’t know, what about coming to visit Grand Harbor sometime? It’s a different world from Grange Hills, Mom. Lake Michigan – it’s like the ocean. The sunsets are…”
“I would never leave this place,” she cut him off. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You don’t have to move there, Mom. I’m just talking about a visit. See something else. Be somewhere else. I think it would be good for you.”
“There’s nothing out there for me. My entire life is here.”
“You’re sleeping at two o’clock on a Monday afternoon. What’s here? I’m not. What’s left? Heartbreak? Misery? Grief? The sad reminder of everything you’ve lost? I’m not trying to take that from you. That can all still be yours! I just…want peace. I can’t spend forever weighed down by your inability to accept there’s anything beyond this. I don’t pity you. I just have this insane longing to prove to you that there’s more to want. I’ve found it myself, despite our circumstances. I really believe you could too.”
“You coming here, it really means a lot to me. I really am glad to see you. But I’ve experienced enough of this world already. I don’t want any more of it. This life is mine. I’m not complaining about it. You have nothing to save me from.”
“Olivia, tell her.” He looked to me for help.
“Um, what? Tell her what?” I was obviously listening to their conversation while trying to make myself invisible, standing in the living room just ten feet from them, but I wasn’t sure how to help the situation.
“You, of all the people I’ve ever met, you fully embrace life in a way that so many people don’t. That’s what I fell for, instantly. You experience everything around you, the good stuff, and even the storms – literally. It rains out, and you run into the streets dancing. It’s a little absurd, but it’s also incredible. That kind of pure joy is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed. Tell her how much better the world can be. This is not a life.” He motioned his arms around the room, trying to further his point.
“It’s my life, Miles,” she repeated. “You don’t have to be part of it. I didn’t ask you to interrupt it. You don’t have to fix it. You’re acting like there’s something to save me from, but there’s nothing. I understand your heart, Miles. You want to fix everything so badly because you couldn’t fix Maycie. Nothing you could’ve done would’ve saved her. Lord knows you couldn’t save your father either. His demons got the best of him, there was no stopping that. Same for me. There’s nothing here worth fixing. Nothing. That’s not your burden, Miles, so stop carrying it. Go back to Grand…whatever it’s called. You left all of this behind once without a second thought. It’d probably be best if you did that again.”
“What? I just came back for the first time in eight years, and you don’t even want me here?” I could see the hurt in Miles’s eyes.
“It would be easier if you left. Yes. Take your sunshine and your hope and pretend the world is goo
d. I wish you luck. Meanwhile, I’ll stay here in reality.”
I looked back and forth between them, feeling sorrow and disappointment to see them breaking down like this. I felt guilty for encouraging Miles to come back home. This was not going at all how I expected.
“Unbelievable,” Miles said under his breath.
“I’m glad you came,” she clarified. “It’s good to see you’re doing well. But this shutdown closed-off life I have is the only thing keeping me alive. I’m breathing. Let that be good enough.”
“What does that even mean? Why would you accept that?”
“Because I’ve already lost a child! That broke virtually everything inside of me, except one last part – you. You’re all that’s left. Imagining you well – happy – living – it’s the single only thing I have left, Miles. Which is why it’s better for you to go.”
“That makes no sense.”
“It does, Miles. You don’t understand what I’m saying. I’ve already lost a child,” she repeated with a cracked voice. “It will kill me knowing I’ve lost two.”
“But you haven’t lost me, Mom. I’m right here.”
“You’re right. Not yet. But I will. It’s inevitable. You have everything against you.”
“What?”
“Genetics, Miles.” She hesitated. “You have the same genes. You’re already on borrowed time.”
Chapter 22
“Now you’re being ridiculous, Mom. What are you saying?”
“Losing you is inevitable, Miles. I can’t go through all of that again. It would kill me. You share fifty percent of the same genetics as Maycie. That’s no secret. You’re already genetically predisposed to the same fate she suffered. It’s entirely possible. And your father? You’re half of him too. His disease was also genetic, Miles. Everything is stacked against you, and when I look at you, all I see is an hourglass on the table, reminding me that the rest of my entire world is just one phone call away from completely shattering everything I have left.”
The Weight of Forever: (Grand Harbor: Book Two) Page 17
