“But that wasn’t what you thought it was going to be when you got into it?”
“No. I was not in for that and most of the guys didn’t want to touch it. I didn’t move product. I flat out refused and since I was good at jacking bikes and cars and shit, everyone was okay with that. I kept doing what I was doing, but then Slim Rick got on his own product and things just fell apart. One of the guys left. He was one of our mechanics. He was the first to get out. Slim Rick sent me and another guy to find him before he came down there himself. We warned him instead. Long story short, there was a big showdown. Slim Rick tried to kill the guy after swearing he’d let him go. It was really dishonorable. It went against our vow of brotherhood. The gang disbanded after that. Jack and I, the guy I came down with and the other guys who arrived with Rick, we took him back to Detroit. We just left him there at the clubhouse. We got our shit and took off, each and every one of us. Some of them stuck together in pairs or groups of three, but for the most part, we just left. I heard, a few months later, that Rick died of an overdose. None of us were surprised.”
“That’s… I don’t know what it is.”
He nodded. “Yeah, well, I got out. I said if that ever happened then I’d come down south, down to Mexico, maybe further. I settled here for now, but I still plan on moving on. One day soon.”
Shanna swallowed hard. Her gaze locked with his and he was moved by the depth of emotion he saw there. It wasn’t pity. She’d kept her promise.
“What are you trying to find? Peace? Or is it something else?”
“Peace,” he said. He let out a sigh that was tinged with bitterness. “I don’t know what that is. Peace isn’t for guys like me. No matter how much talking I do, I’ll always have those memories. I’ll always have that past.”
“Do you feel better? At all?”
He shook his head slowly. “I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell.”
“And the nightmares? How often do they come?”
“Almost every single night,” he said too quickly. “To some degree or other.”
“But not last night?” she asked carefully. “Not last night when I was with you?”
“No,” he admitted, a little shocked. He’d woke feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time, but the first thought he had was of Shanna and finding her. “Not last night.”
“And- and you don’t normally connect with anyone? You like being the one in control. I can tell. You don’t let people touch you. You don’t let people in at all.”
“No.”
It wasn’t a stretch of the imagination for her to come to that conclusion. She knew what very few other people now knew. All of it. Not all the details, but enough to understand him. He’d had a few friends, Sean and Jack, who knew about him. Really knew. They accepted him, fucked up as he was, as a brother in the gang, but more than that, as someone they trusted. Almost a real brother. They all had a love for bikes in common and they let that be enough. No questions asked. It was alright that he was fucked up, because so were they. Not Sean. He just got in with the wrong crowd. But Jack…
“So last night was a fluke then?”
“A fluke?” He finally reached for his coffee. He downed most of it in a single sip since it was long cold. It was still good though, rich and creamy, strong and dark. It hit his empty stomach almost right away and burned there. There wasn’t much in life he couldn’t do without, but bikes and coffee were on the list.
Her eyes met his again and they narrowed slightly. A beam of sunlight slanted through the window by the table, hitting Shanna’s face. He realized that they weren’t blue at all. No, they were gray. gray with tiny blue flecks near the pupil.
“I’m not going to sit here and say that- that I mean something to you or that it was just the right person, right time thing that you always hear about- but I- I kind of… want to. Unless you have a better explanation.”
He didn’t. He had absolutely no explanation. He didn’t believe in any of the shit that the rest of the world did. Any happy endings, right people, chemistry, romance, any of it.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe it was a fluke.” He drained the rest of his coffee. “Guys like me- we’re never right.”
“You were what I needed when I needed it. Maybe I was that for you as well.”
“Makes sense.” It was a good way to think about it. That their paths crossed at just the right time. He didn’t believe in fate, karma, good deeds, any of that. Not because he was overly jaded. He’d just made his own luck, fought his own battles, and grown old before his own time. He was much more logical and had more common sense than that.
“Well… I’m glad that it happened. I- will you think of me? After I go home?”
“Yes.” Percy had lied so many times over the years that it was second nature. He looked Shanna right in the eyes and lied to her.
Not because he didn’t want to think of her. Not because he wouldn’t think of her. It was because he knew that after she went, hell after he left that little beach house, she was the past. And like the past, if he ever wanted to move on and survive, he had to put her out of his mind. He’d attempt to erase her right along with the rest of everything else he didn’t want to remember. Pain was pain. Shanna’s was a unique pain, one he’d never experienced before. It cut just as deep as the rest. Deeper, for the fact that she’d done something to him. She’d got underneath his skin and changed him. She’d proved to him that he did indeed still have something that other people might term a heart.
She nodded, eyes flooding with tears again. Neither of them said anything for a long time. He figured that it was finally time to go. When he stood, she didn’t try and stop him. She blinked up at him and those tears ran freely again, tracing the same lines and patterns down her cheeks that the first set had.
As soon as he walked out the door, Percy was already hard at work, erasing Shanna’s face from his mind. Erasing everything of her. His mind, he realized, a block later, was actually the easy part. It was much, much harder to erase her touch from his heart.
Chapter 14
SHANNA
The old Shanna had a ton of common sense. She was responsible. She showed up on time. She did what people told her to do. The new Shanna, the wild Shanna, the one she didn’t quite fully even know yet, wasn’t much for reason or making rational, thought out decisions. Unless thought out decisions counted three days of having Percy constantly on her mind. Then maybe she’d thought out the decision to end up on his doorstep well enough.
Her hand trembled as she raised it to knock on the door, but she made her fist firm and the sound resonated outside the house and echoed in the street. If Percy was home, there was no way he wouldn’t have heard it.
His bike was in the little carport thing on the side. While that didn’t guarantee that he was there, it did give her hope. He could choose not to let me in. He could pretend like he isn’t there. In that case, if no one answered, she’d already decided that she’d try the door handle and let herself in like she had before. She’d wait all night for him, if she had to.
As it turned out, she didn’t.
Heavy footsteps sounded inside and then the handle turned and the door swung open. Percy didn’t exactly seem surprised to see her. The last time they’d talked he’d been so open, his features so tight with pain and the memories of a dark past. She’d watched real emotion flicker in his eyes. Now they were the same as that first time she’d seen him in the bar. Dark. Closed off. His walls were up again, probably because he’d spent the past three days rebuilding them after coming so close to letting them down with her.
“Percy,” she breathed. “I… please don’t shut the door in my face. I’ve spent the past three days trying to convince myself not to come here, but it didn’t work.”
His hand remained on the door. “Why not?” His hard expression didn’t change. “We both know that this isn’t going to go anywhere. It can’t. You leave tomorrow?”
“Yes. Tomorrow morning.”
&nb
sp; “Then we’ve said all there is to say. You’re going north and I’m going further south.”
“You are?” She clenched her hands at her side so he couldn’t see how they began to shake. The thought of never seeing him again, although she knew that it was the reality of things, hollowed out a painful pit in her stomach.
“I guess so.” His shoulders rose and fell. “I always said I would.”
“But your house-”
“Can always be put up for sale or rented out.”
“So you’re really going then? I…”
Percy leaned against the door frame. It was pretty clear that he wasn’t going to invite her in. Her hopes fell. She didn’t like to admit it, but in her dark, illicit fantasies, she’d thought about them together, one last time.
“Why did you really come here, Shanna.” His eyes darkened, until they became that impossible blue, that blue she couldn’t actually put a name to. No color descriptor seemed to suit. She knew she was blushing violently and she did her best to pretend that it wasn’t happening. Percy slowly raised a brow. “I see.”
“It wasn’t just that.” She looked down at her toes peeking out of her sandals. “I- I might be going back home and I know that we probably won’t run into each other again, but- well- I’d like it if I- uh- I’m sure you aren’t online- but- if you have a phone number?”
Percy tensed. His already rigid shoulders seem to shrug back another few inches. He stood tall and proud and stoic, which was a hell of a lot more than she could manage to do. She could barely look up at him when she asked the question. She already knew what his answer was going to be.
He slowly crossed his arms and the leather jacket that he always seemed to have on creaked with the movement.
“Alright.”
“What?” Her mouth dropped open.
“Didn’t see that one coming, did you?”
“No- I- I didn’t know what you’d say, but I really doubted it was going to be the answer I was hoping for.”
Percy actually allowed her the shadow of a smile. Even that was enough. She’d take even that small gesture. That horrible weight in her stomach vanished and her heart beat so hard it actually felt like it was dancing in her chest. She felt like doing something ridiculous. She debated about trying to turn a cartwheel or run into the street and sing. She couldn’t do either. Instead she forced herself to remain standing. She forced herself not to grin like a fool.
“Well, I’ve decided something since that day we talked. I’ve decided that fuck it… I’ve had enough of being miserable. I let that shit get a hold on me. You showed me that, Shanna. You. I always thought that I was powerless to do anything about it, but that day we talked, it made me feel better. A little, but it was something. If it was anyone else, it never would have happened. We might technically be strangers, but you’ve helped me more than you will ever know. If you want my number, then I’ll give it to you with no regrets. Who knows. Maybe we’ll run into each other again someday.”
“I didn’t think you were the kind of person who believed in destiny.”
Percy’s eyes darkened further. “I’m not, but who knows. I’ve experienced a lot of shit in my life that was stranger than the things people make stories about.”
“So you do kind of believe if it’s meant to be, it will happen.”
“Never said that. I just said I’d give you my number. You’re still going north and I’m still going south. If that ever changes, then let me know.”
“Would you let me know if you change your mind? If you come back up to the States and are looking for a place to land?”
“I won’t be doing any landing. Anywhere I go, I’m going on my bike.”
“It’s a figure of speech. I think. Anyway, can I give you my address as well?” She was a little shocked when the shadow of a smile became a full on grin that included teeth that were whiter and straighter than she would have guessed.
“Nope. You’ll have my number. I’m not changing my mind. I never did believe in fate or any of that shit, but if it’s meant to work out, as you say, maybe it will. If it does, it’s no doubt because you and I make it that way. It has nothing to do with the universe.”
“Yes, of course. That makes sense.”
“Don’t tell me that you’ve changed your mind about being a good girl and about believing in dreams and all that shit? I know you believe in fate. I know you think there was a reason you met me down here.”
“I don’t,” she hedged. “I mean, I didn’t. Okay, maybe I did believe in fate when it came to romance. I wanted to believe that if you’ve met the right person for you, it will work out. That it has to work out. As for meeting you, I know there was a reason. I think we’ve both changed each other’s minds about some things and maybe had a few eye openers. That’s definitely worth something to me.” And I’ve had the best sex of my life. That went without saying. She was pretty sure Percy knew.
“Most people think I’m tough. I guess I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove that I am. My name is Percy… I’ve never changed it, even though I was an instant target for it more times than I can count.”
“Why did you never change it?”
“It was the name my mother gave me. She liked it. It was her father’s name.”
“I wanted to ask you… do you have any other family? How come you didn’t go to them when shit got rough at home?”
Percy shrugged again, in that way he had of dismissing everything that was important to him. He was used to brushing off the way he felt, to playing it down, to stuffing it all inside. Shanna had to wonder what the Percy she might have met would have been like. The Percy who hadn’t been through all that shit and hurt and pain. The Percy who wasn’t so wounded, who didn’t have a layer of ice around his heart. I would never have been attracted to him. He wouldn’t have been him and he’s the man I want. Just as he is.
Shanna hoped he knew. She hoped that he knew that he was everything she could want. How she knew that after a week, she couldn’t say. Maybe it was one of those things that would have turned out a disaster. Maybe she’d get tired of being the one to pick up the pieces and try and break through the defenses. Maybe he’d change a little, but never enough to make it work. Good sex didn’t make for a lifetime of love. It didn’t make for love at all. Maybe they’d end up hating each other. Maybe… but she’d never know for sure, and because she had no way of knowing, she could only feel the way she did at the moment and at the moment, she liked Percy far more than she had a right to.
“I was an only child. I had a grandpa on my dad’s side, but he was old. He knew what was happening, but liked to pretend it wasn’t. To me that was just as bad as what my dad was doing. I had an uncle on my mom’s side, but he lived far away. I didn’t know how to get in touch with him as a kid. My dad has two sisters still, but they fell out after my mom died and they refused to have anything to do with him. I didn’t want to go to them for help. I was too afraid they’d bring me back home. I didn’t want anyone to know where I’d gone. I thought it was the only way to keep myself safe.”
Shanna’s breath caught. “Thank you,” she whispered. He blinked back at her.
“For what?”
“For just being honest with me. Even now, you just answered me. I- I respect you so much for that. If I had gone through any of that, I never would be able to talk about it. You’re very brave, to have lived like that.”
Percy made a choked sound in the back of his throat. “I might be something, but I don’t know if brave is the right word.”
“You’re brave to me.” You’ll always be the bravest person I know. She resisted the urge to step forward and wrap her arms around his neck. It was pretty clear that he wasn’t able to give her what she so desperately needed before she left. He’d given as much of himself as he could and she didn’t want to hurt him anymore than he already was. “Will you give me your number?” She produced her phone out of her pocket. “I’m going to text you right away to make sure it’s actually you.
”
He smirked. “I never realized how crafty you are.”
“I have to be. I have a marketing degree and I work in retail. You need to pull out a few stops once and a while. Or wait, no that’s not the right saying. Pull a rabbit out of a hat? I don’t know.” She gave up on that. “There’s a reason I didn’t major in English I guess.”
“Don’t feel bad, good girl. I have a grade four education.”
Shanna cocked her head and waited while Percy got his phone out. He listed off a string of digits, the most important numbers in her life at the moment, and she added the contact into her phone. She did text him after and he held up his phone, proof that he wasn’t bullshitting her or giving her some random number in hopes that she’d never know the difference. Or that if she did, she’d never be able to do anything about it.
“You never got your GED? How the hell are you so smart then?”
“Don’t know. I guess what more do you need in the world than to be able to read and write? I can do that decently. I was a good kid in school before everything happened. No one thinks for themselves anymore. That’s what technology is for. It makes up for anything I lack. I’ve never had to enter any math battles or anything to keep myself alive, so I feel like I’m safe.”
“That’s crazy,” Shanna whistled. “You should try taking the test someday.”
“Why? I have all the money I need right now.” He glanced away, almost embarrassed. She had the feeling that most of that money had been earned by his honest labor in a not so honest way.
“I don’t know. I guess just to prove to yourself that you did.”
“If I was going to better myself, it would be to unload the rest of this shit that I’ve been carrying around. I don’t know how, but one day, I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll take up yoga.”
Shanna burst out laughing. It was hilarious to imagine Percy in his leather jacket and jeans on top of a yoga mat trying to do some ridiculous pose like raise a leg in the air above his head.
“I can’t imagine you doing yoga.”
Lonely Rider - The Box Set: A Motorcycle Club Romance - The Complete Series Page 9
