by Geoff Rodkey
What I meant by that was, “You should vote against me.”
What I did NOT mean by that was, “You should run for president yourself.”
Unfortunately, I did not make this clear to Reese.
CHAPTER 4
REESE’S POLITICAL CAREER (ALL TWO MINUTES OF IT)
XANDER
At first, I was all, “Yo, I should straight-up run for president! I’ma stone cold RULE dis hizz-ouse!”
REESE
Wyatt and I were like, “Ummm… maaaaaybe.”
Because we didn’t want to make Xander feel bad. But it seemed, like, not possible for him to win an election.
WYATT
The thing is, Reese and I are totally cool with Xander. But a lot of people basically hate him. Ed. Note: true
People really DO like Reese, though. Ed. Note: also true Because he’s super-nice to everybody. Ed. Note: EXCEPT HIS SISTER So I was like, “What if REESE runs for president?”
XANDER
First, I’s all, “Wuuuuut?”
But then I’s all, “Aaaaite. I’ma HAMMER DOWN on dem treasurer doe.” ’Cause then I be rollin’ in dem Benjamins.
REESE
So Wyatt and Xander wanted me to run for president, Xander for treasurer, and Wyatt for class rep.
Which seemed like a TON of work just to play soccer on the roof.
Plus part of me was like, “I think Claudia might get mad if I ran against her.” Ed. Note: OH, REALLY? DO YOU THINK???
So that night while Ashley was making us dinner, I asked Claudia what she thought of me running for president.
And she laughed at me. Like, hard. For a really long time.
CLAUDIA
I did NOT laugh at him.
ASHLEY O’ROURKE, after-school sitter/substitute dictator
Ohmygosh, Claude, you TOTALLY laughed at him! You were like, “Reese, the ONLY way you could win is if an asteroid hit Manhattan and killed everybody else who was running. Plus all the voters.”
Then you both got all up in each other’s business, and I had to jump in and break it up, and I couldn’t focus on making dinner, so I totally burned the chicken.
CLAUDIA
Okay, fine. I laughed at him. But here’s why:
Student Government is MY thing, the same way soccer is REESE’S thing. And right up until then, Reese felt the same way about SG that I felt about soccer—that it was totally pointless, he could care less about it, and he had no clue how it worked.
So for him to suddenly decide to run for president was not only completely insane, but also very mean and hurtful to me personally.
But it’s not like I was going to tell Reese that.
So instead, I laughed at him.
Because it was ALSO totally hilarious. Reese trying to be president was like me running onto his soccer field in the middle of a game and trying to play quarterback: Ed. Note: goalie (whatever) the funniest thing ever for anybody watching, but a total fail for Reese (as president) and/or me (as quarterback). Ed. Note: goalie
For the record, when I went on ClickChat after dinner and told my friends, they thought it was hilarious, too.
CLICKCHAT POSTS (PRIVATE CHAT)
claudaroo Ed. Note: me you guys… Reese says he might run for president
sophie_k_nyc Ed. Note: Sophie Soccer team has a president?
claudaroo Not soccer team. Sixth grade
Parvanana Ed. Note: Parvati OMG THAT IS HILARIUS
sophie_k_nyc Think I just fainted. #MindBlown
c_2_the_g Ed. Note: Carmen Would be amazeballs to watch tho. Like seeing a beagle try to drive a car
CLAUDIA
But since part of being a leader is admitting your mistakes, I will admit that laughing at Reese was a huge mistake. Because my brother is INSANELY competitive. He’s so competitive that once when I beat him at checkers, he went nuts and tried to eat the checkers.
REESE
I totally shouldn’t have done that. Turns out you can’t chew that kind of plastic without seriously hurting your mouth.
CLAUDIA
So making fun of Reese for wanting to be president was like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
REESE
I got seriously spun out. Like, whenever Claudia tells me she can kick my butt at something, it just gets me twice as hyped to kick HER butt. So when she laughed at me, all I wanted to do was just pwn Ed. Note: actually a word (google it) her, BAD.
I got so hyped that right after dinner, I posted on ClickChat that I was running.
CLICKCHAT STATUS UPDATE FOR REESE TAPPER
skronkmonster MY NAME IS REESE TAPPER AND IM RUNNING FOR PRESIDANT!!!!!! Ed. Note: (spelling fail)
REESE
Then I figured I should, like, get in shape for the election. So I got out my iPad and used the voice memo app to record myself going, “MY NAME IS REESE TAPPER, AND I’M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.” Because I knew from this movie I saw that people say that a lot when they’re running. And I wanted to sound totally beast.
But when I listened to it, my voice was all squeaky and stuff. I was like, “Oh, man—do I really sound like that?”
I was about to record it again when Claudia busted in and went off on me.
CLAUDIA
It’s important to note here that when I saw Reese’s ClickChat post, I got very upset.
Because I CARE A LOT about Student Government. I take it very seriously, and I’ve worked very hard at it. For years.
And Reese DIDN’T care about SG, didn’t take it seriously, and doesn’t work hard at ANYTHING. (Except video games. And maybe soccer.)
So him running against me was really upsetting. In fact, it was so upsetting it made me cry.
For a minute.
And then I got angry. Very angry.
And I think all of us, when we are angry like that, say things that are kind of crazy and/or we don’t really mean. Especially when we’re having a big fight with our brother in the privacy of our own home and have NO IDEA HE’S SECRETLY RECORDING IT.
REESE
I wasn’t recording it on purpose! It was a total accident!
But, like… yeah. The voice memo app was on. So when Claudia came in and went off on me, I accidentally recorded her exact words.
TRANSCRIPT OF RECORDING REESE SECRETLY MADE OF CLAUDIA
Oh, hey, Reese? FYI?
I’m going to DESTROY YOU! I will GRIND YOUR BONES INTO DUST!
The only election you’re going to win is “MOST LIKELY TO GET HIS BUTT KICKED!”
And when I’m re-elected? In a LANDSLIDE? I will devote my ENTIRE presidency to WIPING SOCCER OFF THE MAP!
When I’m done, you won’t even be able to play it in gym class! You’ll get suspended just for talking about it at lunch! I’ll get soccer jerseys banned like yoga pants were! And you and every DROOLING IDIOT who ever kicked a soccer ball at Culvert Prep will BEG ME FOR MERCY!
And I will hear your cries.
And I will laugh at them.
Good luck with your campaign.
CLAUDIA
Like I said, I was very angry. And hurt. And upset. And I obviously DID NOT MEAN anything I said. I was just trying to scare my brother.
Which, BTW? Mission accomplished.
REESE
I was definitely scared. Because Claudia was FIERCE.
Plus she sounded super-presidential. Like, her voice wasn’t squeaky AT ALL.
So I started thinking, “Oh, man… maybe I should delete that ClickChat post and forget the whole thing.”
But then she got Mom and Dad involved. Which was TOTALLY NOT COOL.
CHAPTER 5
I SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN MOM AND DAD INVOLVED
EDITOR’S NOTE: Ed. Note: FYI, editor is me
Mom and Dad think this chapter is totally unfair and inaccurate.
But Reese and I think it’s COMPLETELY fair and accurate. So I left it in.
But I did write “M.D.U.” (for “Mom Dad Unfair”) next to everything they complained about.
&
nbsp; CLAUDIA
If I had it to do over again, I would NOT have called Mom to complain about Reese running for president. Even though it was totally mean and hurtful of him, I should’ve just handled it myself.
Here’s why:
When something bad Ed. Note: bad stuff includes: busted furniture, food left in strange places (see pic), walking through apt. w/dog poop on shoes happens around our apartment, 90% of the time it’s Reese’s fault. And since Mom and Dad work crazy-long hours and don’t have much time to get involved in stuff, when they DO get involved, 100% of the time they yell at Reese first. Ed. Note: M.D.U.
It’s just easier that way. And 90% of the time, it makes total sense.
BUT if you do the math, this means 10% of the time, Reese is getting yelled at for stuff that’s not totally his fault. Ed. Note: M.D.U
It happens often enough that Reese has a major complex about it. So whenever Mom and Dad get mad at him—EVEN when it’s all his fault—Reese gets totally defensive and throws a huge fit about how everybody always blames him for everything, and nobody’s ever on his side, and the whole family’s ganging up on him.
I’m not saying he doesn’t have a point. But he gets way too emotional.
And when he blows up like that, Mom and Dad either A) get three times as mad at him, B) feel totally guilty about getting mad at him in the first place, C) overcompensate by turning around and yelling at ME, or D) all of the above. Ed. Note: M.D.U.
And what happened here was a D).
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) Claudia called—Reese running against her for class president
(DAD) OMG CALLING YOU NOW
Can’t talk on phone yelling at Reese Ed. Note: M.D.U. (M says she was “exaggerating” and “not really yelling”)
REESE
Mom called me from work and was like, “Reese, you can’t do this to your sister!”
And I totally went off. I was like, “WHAT ABOUT WHAT SHE’S DOING TO ME? ALL WE WANTED WAS TO PLAY SOCCER ON THE ROOF AND SHE BLEW US OFF AND LAUGHED AT ME AND NOW I HAVE TO PWN HER AND IT’S ALL HER FAULT AND I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE TAKING HER SIDE AND THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR!”
CLAUDIA
While Reese was having a meltdown with Mom, Dad called me to get my side of the story.
By then, I’d realized getting Mom involved was a mistake. Because it pretty much guaranteed Reese would go nuts and fight me to the death.
So I told Dad I could handle it myself, and he should tell Mom that ASAP.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(DAD) Claudia says it’s fine. Call me
(MOM) Can’t. Still on with Reese. He is playing victim card Ed. Note: M.D.U. (M claims “just kidding”)
REESE
Mom was like, “You can’t run for president! End of story!”
And I was like, “THIS IS SO SKRONKING UNFAIR!!!! YOU ALWAYS TAKE CLAUDIA’S SIDE! THIS WHOLE FAMILY’S AGAINST ME!!!”
Then I called Dad.
CLAUDIA
While Reese was on with Dad, Mom called me again. And she must have been feeling major guilt about yelling at Reese, because she did a complete 180 and started yelling at me instead. Ed. Note: M.D.U. (M claims she was not yelling) (but she was)
It was a lot of drama.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) Srsly cannot believe our kids
Also I am worst parent on earth
Feel terrible I lost my temper
(DAD) Don’t think we can forbid Reese from running
You missed the part where you tell me I am not worst parent on earth
YOU ARE GREAT MOM! And wife! And businesswoman! You can plan my castle onslaught any day Ed. Note: Princess Bride reference (Dad’s favorite movie) (P.S. it is awesome—check it out)
Whatever. Think we should tell Reese he can’t run, then tell Claudia she has to help him w/soccer roof thing
Not sure. What about our new parenting style?
Kind but firm? That’s what I’m doing
Except I forgot the kind part
No the other one. Let them make mistakes
??? That is dumbest thing I ever heard
It was your idea
Not ringing a bell
Sunday NYT article. You emailed me link. Said it was brilliant
Hang on let me reread article
Ugh. Fine. But when this blows up in our faces I will blame you Ed. Note: ENTIRE TEXT EXCHANGE = MDU
Ed. Note: (both say they were “just joking around” and “didn’t mean any of it”)
CHAPTER 6
CAMPAIGN KICKOFFS (AND POSTER PROBLEMS)
CLAUDIA
Reese and his running mates (Xander and Wyatt) kicked off their campaign with a whole bunch of bad ideas. Like creating a campaign headquarters on MetaWorld.
REESE
I have this totally beast castle on the Planet Amigo server, and we turned it into Election Central. Then we gave out free titanium armor to everybody who said they’d vote for me.
WYATT
The armor giveaway was kind of a fail. ’Cause titanium armor’s crazy expensive, so TONS of people wanted it. But we forgot the only ones who could vote were sixth graders at Culvert Prep.
So we spent, like, a gazillion MetaWorld goldz buying armor for people who didn’t even go to our school. Ed. Note: goldz = MetaWorld money (fake, but still valuable) They were from totally random places. Like Finland. Or New Jersey.
CLAUDIA
Reese and his friends also put up campaign posters around school.
Those were an even bigger fail than the armor giveaway. As slogans go, “BRING DA BALLZ BACK!” is just not good.
REESE
We didn’t exactly have the world’s greatest posters. But neither did Claudia.
CLAUDIA
This is true. Looking back, it was probably a mistake to let Jens draw my poster. Ed. Note: pronounced “Yens”
I should explain about Jens. He moved here from the Netherlands last summer, he has amazing taste in clothes for a 12-year-old boy, and he is NOT technically my boyfriend.
PARVATI GUPTA, second-best friend of Claudia/relationship expert Ed. Note: (reads a TON of celebrity gossip sites)
Can I just say, I do NOT get why you won’t use the b-word? You’ve been together for three months! I mean, hello? Put a ring on it!
CLAUDIA
I just personally do not think sixth grade is old enough for boyfriend/girlfriend labels. Although Jens and I ARE going out. Which is sort of the same thing.
And even though we have very different interests, we try to be supportive of each other.
For example, Jens plays soccer on Reese’s club team, Manhattan United. Ed. Note: (also Xander and Wyatt’s team) Whenever they have a game, I ask Jens how it went. And when he tells me, I try VERY hard to understand what he’s talking about.
Tbh, this is not easy. Because A) I do not really understand soccer, and B) Jens’s English is still a little shaky.
I have also been to one of his games. That might not sound like much, but it was way out on Randall’s Island. So to get there, I had to go in Dad’s carpool with Reese and his soccer idiot friends. Which was seriously unpleasant. Ed. Note: (Xander farted in car)
When I told Jens about the election, he was definitely supportive. But also confused.
JENS KUYPERS, close personal friend Ed. Note: NOT technically “boyfriend” of Claudia
In the Netherlands, we do not have the Class President. Or the Government of the Student. So to me, it was very strange.
But I want to be a help. And I am good at art. So I said, “I can make your poster!”
CLAUDIA
It was awesome of Jens to offer to draw a poster. I REALLY appreciated it. And he’s definitely very good at some kinds of art.
But tbh, drawing people is not his strong suit.
JENS
It was big challenge. Because what you wanted was very… how do you say? “Exact”?
CLAUDIA
&nbs
p; I asked Jens to make the poster about my new proposal, “Big Siblings.” Here’s the idea behind it: Culvert Prep is a K–12 school. And I’d noticed that almost all the little kids in first grade are very sweet and nice. But by the time they get to sixth grade, some of them have turned evil.
CARMEN
It’s more than some of them. A lot of the boys turn into major idiots—they strut around like they’re all that, and they act TOTALLY obnoxious.
