by Geoff Rodkey
Then it was Reese’s turn. He got up holding his iPad, and at first I thought he was just going to read his speech off of it.
REESE
I was CRAZY nervous. So when I went, “My name is Reese Tapper, and I’m running for president,” it came out all quibbly-sounding. Ed. Note: (“quivery”?)
Then I was like, “You guys probably know I play soccer. But I don’t JUST want to be a soccer president. I want to be a president for EVERYBODY.”
CLAUDIA
My campaign slogan in last fall’s election had been “A President For Everybody.” So when Reese said that, my first thought was, “I can’t believe he stole my slogan! That is SO lame!”
REESE
Then I went, “My sister will TELL you she’s a president for everybody. But I know the truth. Which is, Claudia has a SECRET EVIL PLAN for when she gets elected. And this is it—IN HER OWN WORDS.”
Then I held up my iPad and played part of the recording I’d accidentally made of Claudia.
TRANSCRIPT OF RECORDING PLAYED BY REESE AT FRIDAY ASSEMBLY
… when I’m re-elected? In a LANDSLIDE? I will devote my ENTIRE presidency to WIPING SOCCER OFF THE MAP!
When I’m done, you won’t even be able to play it in gym class! You’ll get suspended just for talking about it at lunch! I’ll get soccer jerseys banned like yoga pants were! And you and every DROOLING IDIOT who ever kicked a soccer ball at Culvert Prep will BEG ME FOR MERCY!
And I will hear your cries.
And I will laugh at them.
REESE
I was watching the crowd while I played it. And everybody’s eyes just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
And when it was over, there was, like, a second of total silence.
Then everybody went nuts.
CLAUDIA
That’s when I knew I had a serious crisis on my hands.
CHAPTER 10
I HAVE A SERIOUS CRISIS ON MY HANDS
CLAUDIA
Right after Reese played his totally unfair and probably illegal recording, Ed. Note: not sure (need to check w/lawyer) the final bell rang, and the library turned into a total zoo. EVERYBODY was yelling at me.
The soccer players were yelling, “You can’t ban us! We ban YOU!”
Kids who don’t play soccer were yelling, “Are you crazy?”
And James Mantolini was yelling, “Claudia Tapper FOR THE WIN!”
All I could do was yell back, “I WAS KIDDING!” But nobody seemed to believe me.
DIMITRI SHARANSKY, undecided voter Ed. Note: was Claudia voter until Reese played recording
The thing about that recording was, it did NOT sound like you were kidding.
TOBY ZIMMERMAN, undecided voter Ed. Note: was Claudia voter until Reese played recording
You sounded like the bad guy in a superhero movie. Which was awesome!
Except you don’t want to go making the bad guy president. ’Cause they’re usually psychos.
CLAUDIA
I felt like I was getting attacked by an angry mob. Fortunately, Parvati—who can be seriously fierce when she wants to—made herself my bodyguard, and she and Carmen cleared a path to the hallway.
Then the three of us ran down the back stairs to the girls’ bathroom on the first floor, where we hid out until things settled down.
PARVATI
I was like, “Are you okay? Take deep breaths. Also, if you want to cry, grab a stall and let loose. I’ll cover you.”
CARMEN
I just want to say, I was seriously impressed you didn’t cry. Because if that had happened to me, I would’ve been a puddle.
CLAUDIA
It’s not that I didn’t WANT to cry. I just felt like it wouldn’t be presidential. If you’re the president, and there’s a crisis, you are NOT supposed to cry.
Plus, I was taking deep breaths. Which actually does help.
Once I calmed down, I texted Sophie.
CLAUDIA AND SOPHIE (Text messages copied from Claudia’s phone)
(ME Ed. Note: used all caps b/c I was IN CRISIS MODE ) WHERE R U?
(SOPHIE) Library. Interviewing people
PLS TELL ME U R NOT DOING ARTICLE ABOUT THIS FOR SCHOOL PAPER!!!
Don’t worry!! Will be v fair to u!!!
CLAUDIA
I was shocked. I’d just been the victim of a totally evil, completely unfair ambush.
And my best friend was writing an article about it for the whole school to read.
PARVATI
I could NOT believe it. I was like, “OMG, Claude, do you need me to go lay some smack down on Sophie? ’Cause I can take her out. She’s tiny.”
CLAUDIA
I said, “Maybe.”
Then I texted Sophie back.
CLAUDIA AND SOPHIE (text messages)
SRSLY YOU CANNOT WRITE THIS ARTICLE
I swear I will make u look good
Think of good quotes for it!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ABOUT THIS
I HAVE to! I’m a journalist!
YOU’VE BEEN A JOURNALIST FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!!!
CARMEN
While you were texting Sophie, Parvati and I went on ClickChat to see if people were talking about the speech. And the first thing we saw was Reese’s status update.
CLICKCHAT STATUS UPDATE FOR REESE TAPPER
skronkmonster Hey, CP 6th Graders—want a leader who ISN’T a power-crazed soccer hater with an evil plan to destroy it? Go to ReeseForPresident and make your voice heard! #StopClaudiasEvilPlan #Freedom #Reese4Prez
CLAUDIA
When Carmen showed me Reese’s status update, I knew something was very wrong. Because that was NOT Reese.
PARVATI
We were like, “Hel-lo? ‘Skronkmonster’ is DEFS your brother’s screen name.”
CLAUDIA
I said, “But look at that post—the words are all spelled right! And he used a comma!”
So they could see the difference, I scrolled down to show them Reese’s second-most recent status update:
CLICKCHAT STATUS UPDATE FOR REESE TAPPER
skronkmonster So sicked 4 speechz tomorrow I M GONG 2 CRUSH IT HARRRRD!!!!! Ed. Note: almost 100% sure he meant “psyched”
CARMEN
Then we were like, “OMG! Somebody’s sock-puppeting your brother!” Ed. Note: sock puppet = fake online identity (usually evil)
CLAUDIA
I was freaking out even before I clicked on the “Reese for President” page.
REESE
Kalisha set up my whole campaign page. Plus she pre-wrote my status update. As soon as Friday Assembly ended, she had me post it.
And I couldn’t believe it—the “Reese for President” page already had 500 likes! It was SO beast!
KALISHA
There’s a site where you can buy likes on ClickChat. It’s kind of shady, but it’s super-cheap. So I bought 500. It cost me three bucks.
I was going to get 1,000, but there’s only 97 kids in the whole grade. So that seemed like overkill.
CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “REESE FOR PRESIDENT” WALL
503 likes
ReeseForPresident Ed. Note: ???? (def NOT Reese) Hi! I’m Reese! Unlike SOME people, I want to be a President for EVERYBODY!
ReeseForPresident That’s why I’m asking you to help me
#StopClaudiasEvilPlan to destroy soccer!
ReeseForPresident It’s not just about soccer! It’s about #Freedom!
ReeseForPresident Any questions?
ScaredOfClaudia Just how evil is Claudia?
ReeseForPresident EVIL ENOUGH TO #STRANGLEAFIRSTGRADER!
ScaredOfClaudia Ed. Note: SOCK PUPPET!! Ohmygosh! Claudia’s totally psycho!!
ReeseForPresident That’s why we have to #StopClaudiasEvilPlan!
CLAUDIA
This was terrifying. And not just because the page already had 503 likes. Or because my poster actually DID make me look like I was strangling a first grader.
It was terrifying because I had n
o idea who was behind it, but they were clearly A) NOT my brother, B) some kind of political genius, and C) totally evil. Ed. Note: also D) it was Kalisha (obvs)
I wasn’t just up against Reese. I was up against Reese and an evil genius.
I had to fight back. And that meant hiring my own evil genius.
PARVATI
You looked up from that “Reese for President” page, and you were like, “Parvati? CALL YOUR BROTHER.”
CHAPTER 11
I HIRE AN EVIL GENIUS
CLAUDIA
Here’s what you need to know about Parvati’s older brother, Akash: he’s the eighth grade class treasurer, he’s one of my closest allies on Student Government, and he knows more about politics than any non-adult I’ve ever met. Ed. Note: (except maybe Kalisha)
Also, tbh, he’s not really evil.
AKASH GUPTA, 8th grade class treasurer/evil genius
No, I’m fine with “evil.” Evil’s good! As long as you put it next to “genius,” it’s a compliment.
CLAUDIA
We called Akash from the girls’ bathroom, and I explained the situation.
AKASH
Tbh, I was expecting the call. Kwame’s little sister’s in sixth grade, and she came up to us after school and was like, “OMG, MAJOR BLOODBATH at Friday Assembly.”
So I figured you’d be in need of my skills.
CLAUDIA
Akash agreed to be my emergency campaign manager. Then he told me to meet him ASAP at the Hot & Crusty on 86th and Lex for a strategy meeting.
AKASH
I hold all my strategy meetings at Hot & Crusty. It smells AMAZING in there. Plus they have these chocolate cigar things that I’m totally addicted to.
CLAUDIA
On the way over, Sophie kept texting me.
SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
(SOPHIE) Where R U?
Need quotes from u for article so u can tell YOUR SIDE of the story
(ME) OK but need to think about it
Hurry! I have 5pm deadline! Thx! Luv u!
CLAUDIA
I was still mad at Sophie, but I was starting to think her article would be a good way to tell my side of the story. It seemed ridiculous that people would ACTUALLY BELIEVE I wanted to ban soccer. Or strangle first graders.
So I felt like all I had to do was tell everybody I was just messing with Reese’s head, and the whole thing would blow over.
On the way to Hot & Crusty, I wrote what I thought was the perfect response for Sophie’s article:
I thought it was a very good apology/explanation. But when I showed it to Carmen, she got mad.
CARMEN
I was like, “Hello? You can’t put soccer back on the roof! WHAT ABOUT THE SOLAR PANELS?”
CLAUDIA
Then we got to Hot & Crusty, and I showed Akash my apology.
He got even more mad than Carmen.
AKASH
Rule Number One in politics is NEVER APOLOGIZE! It makes you look weak.
And you DEFINITELY couldn’t put soccer back on the roof.
Because Rule Number Two is NEVER CHANGE YOUR MIND.
If you do, you’re a flip-flopper. That’s even worse than weak. It’s flip-floppy!
CLAUDIA
I did not understand that. And I felt like I had to give Sophie SOMETHING for the article. But Akash disagreed.
AKASH
I said, “Stonewall her! The media are vultures. Don’t give them anything!”
CLAUDIA
I said, “She’s not a vulture. She’s my friend!”
AKASH
I said, “There are no friends in politics! You want a friend, get a dog!”
CLAUDIA
By then, Sophie was texting me every thirty seconds begging for a quote.
SOPHIE (text messages)
Need quote ASAP
Helloooooo
Claude?
PLEASE ANSWER 15 MIN TILL DEADLINE!
NEED QUOTE FROM U STAT
SRSLY MIGHT HAVE TO TURN IN ARTICLE W/NO QUOTE FROM YOU
THAT WOULD BE V BAD
CLAUDIA!!??
CLAUDIA
It was killing me not to answer Sophie. I kept asking Akash, “Are you SURE?”
AKASH
And I kept saying, “Trust me! Who’s the evil genius here?”
CLAUDIA
I would have overruled him, but Akash promised he’d make sure the article never ran in the paper anyway.
AKASH
Josh Koppelman’s the editor. And I know where he buried some bodies. Ed. Note: figure of speech (no actual bodies involved) (I don’t think) (at least not human bodies) So I figured I could get him to kill the piece.
CLAUDIA
I said, “If I can’t apologize, and I can’t help put soccer back on the roof, AND I can’t talk to the media—HOW are we going to fix this?”
AKASH
I said, “Two words: photo op.” Ed. Note: photo op = “photo opportunity” = pic that makes you look good… like this one:
It was a no-brainer. You had a boyfriend who played soccer! So all you had to do was go to his next soccer game, take a selfie, and put it on ClickChat with a caption like, “OMG, I just looooove watching my bf play soccer!”
Problem solved.
CLAUDIA
There were so many things wrong with that, I didn’t even know where to start. A) Jens was NOT technically my boyfriend, B) it was the middle of January, so I wasn’t sure he even HAD a game coming up, and C) the whole idea was just completely tacky and gross.
AKASH
And I was like, “Let me tell YOU some things: A) he’s your boyfriend NOW, B) I don’t care if you have to fake the whole thing, just GET ME A PHOTO OP, and C) if you don’t like it, you can kiss your presidency goodbye!”
Then I finished off my chocolate cigar and went home to start polling the sixth grade so I could figure out how much trouble you were in.
CLAUDIA
I couldn’t believe it. I’d hired an evil genius, and his only advice was, “Get a photo op.”
AKASH
Give me a break! I had to take a poll first! You can’t stop the bleeding until you know where the bullet holes are. Ed. Note: (also figure of speech) (but kind of disturbing) (think maybe Akash plays too many violent video games?)
CHAPTER 12
REESE GETS HIS HANDS DIRTY
CLAUDIA
While I was meeting Akash at Hot & Crusty, my brother was meeting with Kalisha at Shake Shack. And she was asking him to do something very unpleasant.
REESE
It started in the library after Assembly. All my friends were going, “That was awesome!” and high-fiving me for pwning my sister.
Then Sophie—who I didn’t even know was a reporter or whatever—came up and was all, “You don’t seriously think Claudia would ban soccer, do you? Like, she doesn’t even have the power to do that! Right?”
And I was like, “I guess not.”
And Kalisha got ALL kinds of mad at me.
KALISHA
I couldn’t believe it! In three words, he blew up our whole campaign strategy!
See, politics is all about telling voters a story. And when I found out Reese had a recording of Claudia ranting like a crazy person about soccer, I decided our story should be, “CLAUDIA’S A MONSTER WITH AN EVIL PLAN, AND SHE HAS TO BE STOPPED.”
No offense, Claudia. Don’t take it personally.
CLAUDIA
Of course not! Why would I? Ed. Note: SARCASM
KALISHA
But when Reese admitted Claudia DIDN’T have to be stopped, he killed the whole “#StopClaudiasEvilPlan” story dead. I was going to have to come up with a whole new hashtag!
So I sat Reese down at Shake Shack and explained to him what “message discipline” was.
