by Geoff Rodkey
CARMEN
I wasn’t sad for ME that I lost. I was sad for Planet Earth.
CLAUDIA
As Carmen held my hand and whispered “Me too!” I realized I was going to lose.
So when Mrs. Bevan cleared her throat for the final announcement, and Sophie reached out to hold my free hand, I told myself it was okay… because our being friends again really WAS more important than my being president.
I also told myself I was NOT GOING TO CRY.
But then I started to cry anyway. I was halfway out of my seat to run for the girls’ bathroom when Mrs. Bevan announced that I’d won.
PARVATI
OMG YOU WON! IT WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER!
SOPHIE
I was so excited for you! Like, I LITERALLY jumped up and down. ’Cause tbh? I was super-worried my articles might have cost you the election.
JENS
I was for sure proud of you by winning.
MAX
I couldn’t believe it! I ran on the same ticket as a loser! What was I thinking?
BRYCE
I just wish I hadn’t bought all that Gatorade.
KALISHA
I wanted to demand a recount. My polling was SOLID—Reese should’ve won by three votes!
But when I tried to get him and his soccer friends to chant “RECOUNT!”? They were like, “Ehhh, forget it. Have a Gatorade.”
REESE
It’s not like I wasn’t bummed that I lost. But it was two minutes till the weekend—so if there was a recount, we would’ve had to stay after school. And I just wanted to go to Wyatt’s and play Xbox.
CLAUDIA
According to Mrs. Bevan, I won by one vote. Since the voting was anonymous, there’s no way to tell who voted for who and/or whether my manifesto was what won it.
AKASH
It HAD to be the manifesto. My polling numbers matched Kalisha’s—going into Thursday, you were DEFINITELY down by three votes.
So I guess it’s okay to be a flip-flopper after all.
Which means I have to rethink everything I know about politics.
KALISHA
I’ve got to hand it to you, Claudia: this wasn’t just a victory for you. It was a victory for your whole approach.
It turns out you actually CAN win an election by being honest and idealistic.
I’m still kind of shocked about that.
CLAUDIA
Thanks, Kalisha. And I’m glad that no matter how hard you tried to destroy me with totally unfair attacks on my character, we were able to get past all that and still sit at the same lunch table.
KALISHA
Well, I WAS pretty annoyed that Reese lost.
But I still got extra credit in social studies. So it’s all good.
AKASH
Hey, Kalisha—did you know Film Forum’s showing a revival of All the President’s Men? It’s a pretty cool movie. So… if you’re not doing anything else this weekend… y’know…
KALISHA
Are you asking me out on a date?
AKASH
Not if you’re going to get weird about it. Ed. Note: Kalisha and Akash are kinda-sorta going out now (which is cute) (although evil genius + evil genius = scary) (esp. if they ever have kids)
REESE
You know what? It kinda makes sense that I lost. It’s like in soccer—the team that wants it the most usually gets the win.
And you DEFS wanted it the most.
CLAUDIA
So in the end, even though it got seriously ugly at times, the election wound up working out just fine for everybody.
Well, not quite everybody.
XANDER
WE WUZ ROBBED, YO! Straight up!
JAMES
Mark my words, Claudia: the revolution’s coming.
Until then, my silent protest speaks for itself.
EPILOGUE
(aka A BRIEF CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT THE ELECTION)
CLAUDIA
If the idea that I won the election by standing up for what I believe in makes you happy… and you are totally satisfied with how this history ended… stop reading right here.
NO, SERIOUSLY—STOP HERE
REESE
That IS the way it ended! You crushed it, Claudia! Hooray for you!
CLAUDIA
I’d like to believe that. I really would.
But a few weeks after the election, Student Government was debating my proposal for everybody to share the roof equally—which, BTW, wound up becoming official school policy, and I am very proud of that. Ed. Note: also, soccer got un-banned (but w/rule that nobody can kick balls off roof)
And during the debate in SG about the roof, Max was all up in my business. Because he’d suddenly decided he was TOTALLY AGAINST ANYBODY using the roof for ANYTHING except what he called “quiet sitting.”
Which was very strange. Because the only other time I’d ever heard the term “quiet sitting” was when Athena used it during our secret Starbucks meeting.
And the day before the SG debate, I saw Max walking out of Starbucks with all four Fembots… holding what looked like a Gingerbread Chai Latte.
I’m not saying the Fembots DEFINITELY bribed Max to get him to support their sunbathing on the roof idea.
I’m just saying it’s possible.
MAX
That’s ridiculous! I’ve ALWAYS been a huge supporter of “quiet sitting”! My position on the roof was a matter of conscience. Ed. Note: “matter of conscience” = what politicians say when they feel VERY strongly about something (OR ARE LYING)
CLAUDIA
Either way, Max and I were arguing about the roof. And I told him I had a mandate from the voters Ed. Note: “mandate from the voters” = when you get elected to do a specific thing (like share the roof) to make sure everybody shared the roof equally.
And Max yelled, “You don’t have a mandate! Your brother lost on purpose!”
MAX
It’s not like I can prove anything. But when we had that snow day, and I called Reese to set up a meeting about the transition? He told me meetings were lame, and he’d rather eat his own foot than go to one. Ed. Note: prob not exact quote (Reese usually says “eat my own HEAD”)
So I said, “Reese—you realize being president is NOTHING BUT MEETINGS, right?”
He said, “Really?”
I said, “Really. It’s all meetings. Plus speeches. Plus all the prep for the meetings and speeches. So you need to get to work.”
Then Reese went, “Uhh… thanks for the heads up.”
But the way he said it? It was like a light had just switched on in his brain. And he realized if he was president, he’d HATE EVERY SECOND OF IT.
REESE
No way! That’s totally cray! I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT into being president! Including the meetings! And the speeches!
I mean, maybe not 100%. But DEFINITELY 80%.
Or at least 50%.
KALISHA
Now that I think about it… I did get this weird text from Reese the day before the election.
REESE AND KALISHA (text messages)
What wld hapen if I dropped out of race?
I’d kick your butt into next week
Srsly?
Seriously. Your life would not be worth living. Why do you ask?
No reason its all good
KALISHA
I didn’t really sweat it. Because Reese knew I was serious. If he’d tried to quit on me? After all the work I put into making him president?
I would’ve kicked his butt HARD.
I still would. I’m the kind of person who carries a grudge. And I’m four inches taller than Reese is. So I can take him.
REESE
This is cray! Seriously! I did EVERYTHING Kalisha told me to! Right up until the end!
CLAUDIA
Really? Who’d you vote for?
REESE
Me! I voted for me! Of course I voted for me. Why wouldn’t I?
What are you getting at here, Claud
ia?
CLAUDIA
Like Max said, I can’t really prove anything. But here’s my theory:
The day before the election… when Max told him about all the work he’d have to do once he got elected… Reese realized something.
HE DIDN’T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.
But he couldn’t quit. Because if he did, Kalisha would kick his butt. So Reese was going to be stuck with a job he didn’t want. And he’d be miserable.
EXCEPT… he was only winning by three votes.
So if he secretly voted for me—
REESE
A-ha! See! That’s why your theory’s cray—because I only have ONE vote!
So even if I voted for you, I’d still win by, like… okay, I forgot how to do the math here.
CLAUDIA
You’d win by one vote. Because if you were up by three and switched your vote, it’d be one LESS vote for you and one MORE vote for me.
REESE
Right! So EVEN IF I voted for you, I’d still win!
CLAUDIA
But if you got a SECOND person to switch their vote… then I’D win.
By one vote. Which is EXACTLY how many votes I won by.
REESE
But there’s no way! Like, who could I even get to switch their vote from me to you and NOT tell Kalisha? It’d have to be a total secret!
CLAUDIA
Oh, sure. Huge secret.
The kind of secret that could only be kept by someone very close to you.
Like, say…
YOUR BEST FRIEND WYATT.
WYATT
Uh… no comment?
REESE
Dude! Don’t say “no comment”!
WYATT
Why not?
REESE
’Cause it sounds bad!
And ballots are secret! Right, Claudia? Like, nobody can prove who voted for who?
CLAUDIA
Absolutely.
WYATT
Oh. Okay. Then no! Definitely no. I definitely did NOT vote for Reese.
I mean Claudia! I did NOT vote for Claudia!
I voted for Reese! Totally.
REESE
Me too! So your theory’s TOTALLY CRAY, Claudia. There’s NO WAY I secretly lost on purpose.
Please don’t put it in the book. Seriously. Please?
CLAUDIA
I won’t.
REESE
Thank you!
CLAUDIA
Unless I think it’s important for future historians to know.
And/or I think you totally deserve to get your butt kicked by Kalisha for putting me through that whole nightmare of an election.
KALISHA
Reese, can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?
REESE
Oh, geez… Ed. Note: SORRY, REESE! (not sorry)
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Geoff Rodkey is the author of the New York Times bestseller The Tapper Twins Go to War (With Each Other) and The Tapper Twins Tear Up New York, as well as the acclaimed adventure-comedy trilogy The Chronicles of Egg. He wrote the screenplays for the hit films Daddy Day Care, RV, and the Disney Channel’s Good Luck Charlie, It’s Christmas, and has also written for the educational video game Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?, the non-educational MTV series Beavis and Butt-Head, Comedy Central’s Politically Incorrect, and at least two magazines that no longer exist.
Geoff currently lives in New York City with his wife and three sons, none of whom bear any resemblance whatsoever to the characters in The Tapper Twins.
COMING SOON!
A BUNCH OF TOTALLY CRAZY (AND SRSLY UNBELIEVABLE)
THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO MY BROTHER AND ME ON THE INTERNET IN…
A CAUTIONARY TALE OF HOW NOT TO ACT ONLINE
Turn the page—or swipe left on your electronic book—type thing—to read the beginning!
PROLOGUE
CLAUDIA TAPPER, author of this book/6th grade class president/future singer-songwriter
If you think about it, the Internet is pretty amazing. It’s basically one giant network with all of human existence on it. Plus a bunch of cat pictures.
But the Internet isn’t ALL good. Because human existence isn’t all good.
In fact, some of human existence is dark and horrible and disturbing.
This is why you have to be VERY CAREFUL about what you do online. For example, if you click on the wrong link and download a virus… you could destroy your whole computer. (This ACTUALLY HAPPENED to my grandmother.)
And if you upload the wrong thing, or post something you shouldn’t, and it goes viral… you could destroy your whole life.
You might think I’m exaggerating. I’m not. I personally saw this happen just last month. And I decided to write this history as a warning to other kids about what NOT to do online. If you follow the “Internet Pro Tips” included at several points in this book, hopefully they’ll save you from having to learn a whole bunch of valuable lessons Ed. Note: like the one about viruses 1 the hard way.
Like my brother did.
REESE TAPPER, video game addict/soccer player/Internet disaster victim
This was DEFS the craziest stuff that ever happened to me. And it was so fast! It’s, like, one minute I was playing MetaWorld, minding my own business, like, “La-la-la, nothing going on…”
And the next minute, “KA-BLOOM!”
It was like getting launched into space on a rocket. At first, it was awesome!
But then the rocket exploded.
That’s the scary thing about the Internet. You can get skronked into a million pieces without even leaving your bedroom. Ed. Note: not a real word (Reese made it up) (he does this a lot) (it’s v. annoying)
MOM AND DAD (text messages copied from Dad’s phone)
(MOM) Claudia’s writing another oral history Ed. Note: = interviews with everybody involved
(DAD) Oh geez. What’s it about this time? Ed. Note: DAD
The whole Internet nightmare
I’m okay with that.
Srsly?????
Why not? Seems like good teachable moment
We’ll look totally clueless about what our kids are doing online!
So what? All parents are clueless
I WORK AT A TECH COMPANY I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CLUELESS ABOUT THIS STUFF
Just make sure nobody you work with reads the book Ed. Note: if you are reading this and work with my mom, SHE IS V. BRILLIANT BUSINESSPERSON WHO IS TOTALLY ON TOP OF EVERYTHING
CHAPTER 1
I MIGHT HAVE JUST WRITTEN A HIT SONG
CLAUDIA
It all started when I wrote a song. Then I posted it online. Because I was hoping it would go viral, and millions of people would listen to it and turn it into a massive hit.
REESE
Basically, you were trying to get famous.
CLAUDIA
I guess so. But not in a gross way. I’m not one of those people who’s totally into herself and desperate for attention, so she vlogs every day on MeVid about her shoes, or her nail polish, or how her dog barfed in the car on the way to the vet.
For me, it’s all about my music. The only way I’d ever want to get famous is by creating amazing songs that people love. And I work VERY hard at it. I’ve been taking guitar lessons for almost three years, and I try to practice an hour every day. Ed. Note: (or getting elected president of U.S.A.—but that is a whole other story which you can read in THE TAPPER TWINS RUN FOR PRESIDENT)
REESE
You’re for sure getting better. Like, I used to hear you practice and think, “Is she playing that guitar? Or just chewing on the string
s? ’Cause that does NOT sound like music.”
