by Claire Adams
I unlocked the door of my apartment and let myself inside, calling Deana's name to see if she was home. She wasn't. She was alright as a roommate, but I doubted she would want to be around me when I was feeling like this. I went straight to my room, dropping my backpack on the ground and face-planting into my bed.
What now? I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to lie in my bed and think about him, but how could I not after what had just happened? He had hit the brakes so hard and so suddenly, I was still careening out of control. It just didn't make sense. He was one of the things I thought I could be sure about. I felt secure with him, in love and proud of the friendship and love we had built that was thriving... Or at least had been.
I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. All my anger and frustration escaped, and I broke. I hated him so much for what he had said to me, but it was no match for almost three years of loving him with everything I had. He hadn't been my first, but he had been the first person I had slept with who made me feel good afterward, like it wasn't a mistake or could have been better. He felt part of me, so obvious there couldn't have been a time that we weren't together because the two of us fit so well.
I couldn't do this. I felt like shit, but how the hell could the first thing I did after Roman dumped me be lying in bed crying about it? I felt so weak already, I was just going to make myself feel worse. I got to my feet and took my hoodie off, trying to figure out what to do with myself.
A shower. I always felt better after taking showers. I could start there and once I was out, I would be able to do something other than lie in bed being pathetic. I had pulled my t-shirt up over my head when there was a knock at the door.
I dragged myself to my feet and went to get the door. Tiffany was standing on the other side, phone in hand. She didn't look like someone who had just come out on the other side of finals week. She was a tall girl and had no problem making herself even more imposing with heels. I was guessing that we didn't feel cold the same way because she somehow wasn't freezing outside in tights, a short skirt, and a light sweater. It was spring, but it was still a little windy in the sixties. She was the best and worst person who could have possibly walked through my door.
It wasn't her fault that her dark, almost black hair and blue eyes were traits she shared with my now-ex, but I was a little mad about it, I couldn't lie. They were siblings, she couldn't help that they sort of looked alike.
"I was just about to call you? What took you so long," she said, walking in past me.
"Welcome. Come right in," I said sarcastically, closing the door behind her.
Someone was in a good mood. I hated her a little for it, then reminded myself it wasn't my fault I was feeling so rotten. Getting dumped did that to you, and it hadn't even been half a day since it had happened. I was reserving the right to feel like shit, at least till that edge wore off. That said, she couldn't help that her brother had just dumped me for no apparent good reason, and I had to remember not to lash out at her just because I was feeling hurt.
"For a minute, I thought you were out or something. Is Deana here?" she asked. Suddenly, I felt exhausted. Tiffany had blown in with a wave of energy that I just couldn't mirror. I was spent. I was feeling mopey and upset and being around someone who was obviously in a much better mood was doing nothing for me.
"Just me," I said, watching her sit on the couch, nothing out of the ordinary, but part of me hoped she had plans later. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her, it was that I didn't want to see anybody. I wanted to cocoon myself in this apartment till it stopped hurting. The other part wanted to tell her, tell anyone that Roman Blake was a piece of shit and I hated him and list all the reasons why.
"I've been trying to call you."
"Sorry. I forgot to turn my ringer back on after my test," I said, trying to jolt myself into a better headspace. "I should have asked you to bring something with you, the fridge is bare."
"I grabbed a bite to eat after my paper today. I'm so glad the semester's almost over. Just one more test tonight," she said. One of her classes was at night, a general education course she had taken because she didn't want to end up taking it sophomore year.
"Already done," I quipped.
"Ugh, I'm jealous," she said. "I can't wait to be home again. I'm not looking forward to longer hours at work, but at least I won't have to juggle that with school," she said.
"That sounds great," I said, coming to sit on the couch with her. I had heard maybe half of what she had said and guessed the rest.
"This girl in my statistics class is an international student; she invited her boyfriend to spend summer with her and her family in Italy, can you believe that?" she said.
"At least they're staying together," I said mostly to myself, dazed before I realized that wasn't the sort of response Tiff had been looking for. She sat up straight, her eyes scrutinizing my face.
"Are you alright?" she asked suddenly. I bit my lip and shook my head. "What happened?"
"Ask your brother," I said bitterly.
"Roman? What did he do?"
"What does it mean when a guy tells you out of nowhere after almost three years that it's over?" I asked. Tiffany's jaw fell open.
"He didn't."
"He did. I had the same reaction."
"What? No way. Wait, I don't get it. He just said it was over? How did he do it?" she asked. Tiffany and I had known each other almost as long as Roman and I had. She was a year behind me, but we had met the first time Roman had brought me home to meet his dad, two or three months in, then she had joined our college the next fall.
She had basically been there since the beginning, and I had gotten as close to her as I had to her brother. I was an only child, so she filled the void that I didn't have a real sister to fill. She knew everything that happened between Roman and me.
She was my best friend so she heard everything anyway, but it had been almost three years since we had gotten together. I was close with his dad – their whole family, really. I had spent breaks at their house and gone on vacation with them a couple times. This was definitely news to her.
"I was waiting for him after his exam, just like normal. We were talking, and I mentioned that he had been a little weird lately. We haven't been talking as much this past week. I thought it was just finals, and he'd be back to normal now that the semester is ending. He asked me to come to his apartment, and then he got weird. He started saying he didn't want to be with me anymore and this was the end, just like that, out of nowhere. Totally blindsided me."
"Did he tell you why?"
"He didn't want to. He just kept saying it wasn't working anymore and he didn't want me."
"I can't believe he would say that to you," she said.
"Did he tell you anything? Did he do anything that would make you think this was where his head was?"
"No, nothing. I would have told you something if he did. Ron, I felt like I knew you before we even met. When we talked he would always bring you up, ask me whether it was too soon to introduce you to our dad, tell me he thought we'd get along, and stuff. I think we all knew he was in love with you before he even said it to you." I felt tears brim in my eyes and blinked them away.
"Whatever. Like he said, it's over now."
"Are you just giving up?" she demanded.
"How am I supposed to fight when he said he was done? I'm not that pathetic, Tiff. I can't beg a person to talk to me when they've already told me how they really feel to my face."
"I'm going to talk to him," she said.
"About what?" I scoffed.
"I want to ask him whether he's lost his mind. Something obviously happened. Roman wouldn't do something like that to you."
"He already did, Tiff; it's a little late for that."
"Well, he can't get away with it."
"What difference would it make at this point? He already told me what he wanted. The future he wants doesn't involve me."
"You really don't want to know?"
"Right now, all I
want to do is crawl into bed and come back out when school starts again."
"You can't be on your own like this," she said.
"Could you at least give me tonight? I'm still reeling. I just need some time to process everything."
"I'm calling you tomorrow. If you don't pick up, I'm coming over," she said. I cracked a small smile. She was a good friend. She hadn't even tried to take Roman's side in all this.
"Okay," I conceded. She squeezed me in a tight hug and left. I went back to my room after locking the door after her. I stood under the shower till the water ran cold, then stayed longer. I made it back to my bed before I started crying again.
Chapter Five
Roman
One Year Later
I never thought I'd get used to the stares at airports. Traveling the first time in all my gear, I had felt self-conscious of all the people looking, kids and adults staring with shameless curiosity. Now, I couldn't give two shits. I never thought I'd ever be glad to be landing at Aberdeen Regional before, but damn did it feel good to be back on American soil.
I had been gone almost exactly a year, but every day there had felt like ten, every week like a month, and every month like it was a year all on its own. Summer was just starting, my first summer back since I had missed it last year. I didn't even mind coming from the desert right back to the heat – I was just glad to be back home.
I saw my dad before he saw me. Tiff was with him, and she waved, pointing me out to him. Far as I could tell they looked exactly the same. Tiff's hair might have been different, shorter like she had had a haircut, but that was it. Dad didn't look any older, which was a good thing. He was still in his fifties, but it wasn't fun watching your parents get older. It was comforting that nothing major had happened to the two of them when I was gone.
Tiffany came up and hugged me first; she was excited. I was, too, but I was better at hiding it than she was.
I was tall, but only about an inch more than my dad. Up close now, I noticed more gray strands in his dark brown hair. I was supposed to look like him, which was something I was proud of. He was a strong, good-looking guy even north of fifty. Both Tiff and I had gotten our mother's blue eyes instead of his hazel, though. He hugged me, which wasn't something he did a lot now that I wasn't a kid anymore. He held my shoulders looking at me.
"You're back," he said.
"Yup. Glad to be back," I said. The look on his face was a blend of relief and happiness. He had never really been a fan of me joining the army; Mom had actually been more supportive than he had. Guess now that I was back in one piece and he could tell people his son was a vet, he was proud.
"Are you alone?" Tiffany asked.
"Yup. Nobody else was flying into Aberdeen."
"How was it?" she asked in awe.
"How do you think?" I shot back, jokingly.
"Was it scary? What did you do?" she asked. I sighed.
"Trained a lot. Got sunburn. Saw a lot of camels. What about you?" I asked lightly.
"That's not all you went there to do," she said, her brows wrinkling.
"Let's get him home before the interrogation, how about that?" my dad interjected. I was glad he did.
That was first on the list of things I wanted to do. The second was take a shower, third was pass the fuck out. I didn't have anything but a duffel with me because we had had to turn in all our issued equipment and weapons at the base.
"Could you at least tell us how your flight went?" she tried.
I laughed. She was just a year younger than I was so we were pretty close. She hadn't really cared about what me being in the army meant, but it looked like that had changed for her since I had been gone. We finally started out of the building to get to the car.
"It was good," I said.
"I have a hard time believing that," she challenged.
"Any word on how long you get to stay?" Dad asked.
"They don't really give us a schedule," I replied.
"So they can just come get you whenever they want?" Tiffany asked. Well...yeah. It was a job. The Armed Forces was my employer. I had signed a contract and everything.
"Pretty much," I said, resigned. That was exactly how it was. Going back was the last thing on my mind since I had just gotten home, but being realistic, another deployment was probably in the cards for me. I had lucked out with this one; shortish and not too many actual months spent in the combat zone. Fuck if I was going to let that ruin this for me. It was the furthest I had been from home and for the longest time. I was going to enjoy being here, especially since I wasn't sure how long I was going to get.
We talked throughout the trip back home, but my eyes stayed trained outside. Aberdeen wasn’t that big a town, but it was a big difference from the desert villages surrounding the airfield that had been my view for the past year.
I knew it was all in my mind, but I was expecting the house to look different. I hadn't lived there really since I had started college, but it had just felt like such a long time. I was waiting to see something that I totally didn't recognize. I felt so different coming back, so it just made sense in my mind that this place would have changed, too.
It hadn't. Our family home was right where it had always been. Two stories, two car garage, back and front yard, yellow exterior that Dad repainted every spring, gutters that it used to be my job to clean out when I was a kid. It was all the same.
"Here we are," Dad said as Tiffany pulled the car into the driveway. Home sweet home. For now. When I thought about home, this wasn't really it. I hadn't lived here for a while but I hadn't held onto my last place since being deployed. I was stuck here till I got a new place of my own. I opened my door and grabbed my luggage, following my father and Tiffany into the house.
Just like it was outside, the inside of the house was the same as it had always been. It was trippy, like I had never even left in the first place. It was sort of reassuring, too. It felt good knowing that some shit did stay the same, even when you didn't.
"You go on upstairs, Tiff's gonna get dinner started," Dad told me.
"I can help her."
"You get guest of honor privileges for one night. This will never happen again," Tiffany said to me, grinning.
"Your room's just how you left it. Go up there and settle in. I'll come get you when the grub's up," he said. I thanked him and started up the stairs. "Your mother would have been so proud of you coming home today. I wish she could see the man you grew into," he added.
I stopped and looked down at him. Five years ago was when she had died. She had been a big part of the reason that I had even gone through with it in the end.
"Thanks, I miss her, too," I said. I didn’t really want to talk about her. I knew he wasn’t really over the fact that she was gone. He smiled up at me and let me go.
Everything was where I had put it a year ago. The walls were whitewashed, and in some places, you could still see the little spots where the tape I had used to hang posters up back in the day had damaged the paint. I had a regular double bed, which wasn't that big, but bigger than the regulation beds we had used at camp. Most things after camp felt like a fucking luxury. I was glad to be back.
The first thing I did was take a shower so I could change out of my uniform. When there was a bunch of us and we were all in uniform, we all blended in, became one unit. Out in the civilian world, a guy in uniform stood out.
Before deploying, Dad had let me keep my clothes here at the house, along with stuff like my television and some gaming consoles, since he had space. The rest of the furniture I had used at my old apartment had all gone into storage.
It didn't feel like I had been gone long enough for this to feel new to me. It had just been a year. Some of the guys I had met were deployed on their second or third tours. All the stuff that seemed so normal, like having a closet and more clothes and belongings than you could carry on you at any one time felt new after not being able to have them while I was gone. It humbled the shit out of you. You couldn't feel like you
weren't exactly the same as the other soldiers when you were in combat. It was a little like football in that way – but with much higher stakes and a million times more stressful.
I didn't know what was for dinner, but the smell coming from the kitchen when I came back downstairs was fantastic. The last thing I had eaten had been on the plane. When Mom had been around, she would do the cooking. Since she was gone, Dad had had to learn how to feed himself. Lucky for him, Tiff still lived at home and knew her way around a kitchen. The two of them were setting the table when I came back downstairs.
She had made individual chicken pot pies with a load of sides. I ate some of everything, and it was delicious. I took their questions as they came. Apparently, they had been paying close attention to the news just in case anything happened. They had been scared to death after the couple of bombing incidents that had made the news here, but that had never really been an everyday thing. I had to ease their anxiety about it.
Dad didn't stay long after dinner. He told us goodnight and headed upstairs. He never stayed up that late, even though it was a weekend. The food disappeared, replaced with coffee. I didn't want any since it was probably going to be a struggle getting back on US time. Tiff made herself a cup of dark coffee that she stirred about four sugars into.
It had always been easy talking to her. As adults, as fucked up as it sounds, losing Mom had made us closer. When it had happened, Tiff was the one person other than me who had really had that bond with her. She was the only person who really understood when they said that they understood.
"So how'd you keep yourself busy this past year?" I asked her.
"School, work, rinse, repeat."
"Two more years and you're out," I said.
"I don't know. I've been thinking about grad school a little lately," she said shrugging.
"Yeah? Why? Trying to stall on joining the real world?"
"Beth was in school till she was like, thirty, and look at her now," she quipped. Bethany was one of our cousins on our mom's side. She had two PhDs and our aunt had let her live at home till she had graduated. Fast forward a couple years and she was one of the youngest tenured professors at the University of Vermont.
