by Erika Kelly
What’s going on?
Pushing on the pressure bar, he removed first the upper, then the lower gate. He wanted to hurl them but instead set them neatly against the wall. She didn’t need any wild-ass drama.
Anxiety propelled him toward her. Where was that sparkle in her eyes, that joyful smile she always had when she saw him?
That she used to have. That he might have killed by constantly pushing her away. Just like Delilah said.
Pain ripped through him. What’ve I done?
He remembered the look of disgust in his mom’s eyes when he’d approach her. The way she’d recoil when he’d climb onto her lap. He would never forget those bony hands pushing him away.
He’d never forget the hurt—the ugly, bottomless pain—of rejection.
He felt the clutch of pain like a heart attack. Delilah was right. He’d done to Ruby what his mom had done to him. “Hey, sweetheart.” He’d hurt her. Hurt this perfect little girl who only wanted him to love her.
And it all came crashing over him when he reached for her, and she didn’t lift her arms.
“Wun wif you.”
Fucking hell. She sat alone in her room, wide awake, because she thought if she made a sound she wouldn’t get to run with him.
Because that’s what you made her do.
“Yes, Ruby, you’re going to run with me.” Scooping her off the bed, he brought her to the rocking chair. Her arms remained at her sides, and he missed her hand on the back of his neck. Missed her knees latching onto his ribcage.
He sat down, adjusting her so her chest rested on his. She didn’t nestle. Didn’t set her head on his shoulder.
“Wun wif you.”
“Yes. We’re running together. Every morning.” Shit, he shouldn’t make promises he couldn’t necessarily keep. Soon, Fin and Callie would be home, and they’d take over…oh, shut the fuck up. “Every day.” Enough about what might happen—give her what she needs right now.
Rubbing her back, he started rocking. Pain leeched into his bones, breaking them down. “I’m sorry, Ruby. I’m going to do better.” He touched her hair—so silky and soft—and then let his hand stroke down it. She shifted a little. “I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to do the right thing with you, but I’m not. I’m messing up.”
He’d tried to erect a wall, a barrier, so that she didn’t get too attached to him, and then he’d leave her. What would that do to her?
Bullshit.
You’re a fucking liar.
For the first time, he saw the truth. Clear as day.
He’d kept his distance because he was getting attached to her and, when he passed her off to Fin, it would hurt like hell.
Selfish prick.
A fierce sense of affection swept through him. He should’ve gone all-in. “I hope you can forgive me.” He hoped like hell he hadn’t ruined her—the way his mom had ruined him.
She lowered her head to his shoulder, her breath warm against his skin.
“I’m sorry.” His voice, a whisper, shushed like the rocker on the furry throw rug. “I hope you’ll trust me again.”
And then that little hand patted his arm, like she was trying to soothe him.
Tears burned, and he held his breath. This kid. His heart squeezed with affection for her. “I’m going to do it right from now on, okay, Rubes? I’m going to take care of you.” All the way. Not just her physical needs. I’m going to show you how special you are.
Her head popped up and she looked at him with sleepy eyes. “Where momma?”
Oh, Jesus. That simple question yanked his heart out by the roots. He’d waited for it, knowing one day she’d ask. Dreaded it, frankly, not because he was afraid to answer but because he didn’t have a replacement. He couldn’t say that he’d be there for her, and she certainly couldn’t understand that all four of her brothers would do their best to be her guardians in the absence of actual parents.
But he did have an answer. He’d thought about it endlessly on his ten mile runs and had conferred with the therapist. “She’s not here, Ruby, but we can go to your house tomorrow.” And I’ll tell you what happened to her. “Would you like that?”
“See momma?”
“No, we can’t see her. But I’ll go with you to your house, and you can show me pictures of her. You can show me the toys you played with and your bedroom. Would you like that?”
She nodded. “Go wif Wheel.”
“Yes, Ruby. We’ll go together.”
Her eyelids fluttered closed, and she relaxed against his chest.
He’d been telling himself to hold back because he wasn’t her dad. Because his brothers would take over, and he needed her to get used to the way her life would be.
But Ruby needed someone now. She needed him.
He would give her everything. Starting right now.
Give it all to her.
He rubbed a circle on her back, and she nestled against him, her head on his shoulder, her body letting go, giving him all her weight. “Ruby?”
The way she nestled into him let him know she was listening.
“I love you.”
She let out a contented sigh.
On a quiet street in Hoback, Wyoming, Delilah stood on the lawn of Ruby’s home. A shutter hung crookedly off an upstairs window, paint peeled off the green shingles, and the overgrown lawn had small patches of brown.
“Momma.” Ruby curled her hand and slipped it out of Delilah’s. She toddled across the lawn so quickly she tripped and landed face-down in the grass.
Delilah scooped her up. “You okay, sweetie?” She brushed a few blades of grass off her chin. “We’re going to wait out here for Will, okay? Let’s give him one more second.” A neighbor had mentioned seeing a black bear hanging around the backyard but, also, Will wanted to do a quick scan to make sure nothing inside would upset Ruby.
Because he was sweet like that. Sigh.
“Lego, pease.” A rod of steel bolstered those polite words, as Ruby squirmed in her arms.
Delilah stroked the sweaty hair off the toddler’s forehead. “Hang on. In just a minute, he’s going to come right out that front door. Hey, should we pick some flowers?” Bright yellow dandelions sprung out of the grass, so Delilah tipped her over like a watering can. The little girl giggled, her plump little hand wrapping around a stem and yanking.
With great drama, she swept Ruby back up. She brought the flower to Delilah’s nose but, instead of sniffing it, Delilah plucked it out of her grip and brushed the petals all over the little girl’s face.
“Hey.” The sound of Ruby’s laughter made her heart swell. “Dat tickle.”
“You’re a cutie pie, Ruby-bean.”
She grabbed the stem and lifted it. “Give Momma fowers.”
Oh, Ruby. “You’re such a sweetheart.” And way too young to lose your mom. It made her heartsick to think Christy Leigh would never get moments like these with her daughter. She’d never get a fistful of wildflowers. She wouldn’t get to take her to her first day of kindergarten or console her after a breakup.
Ruby’d only had two years with her mom. Would she remember anything? Delilah didn’t have any memories before she was six, when she’d bit into a cracker and lost a tooth.
Maybe her mom had a particular fragrance that would linger in Ruby’s memory the rest of her life. Delilah would have to look around for those kinds of things—a piece of jewelry, perfume, a favorite sweater or blanket. A scarf. Evocative things.
With the hot sun burning the tops of their heads, the cool July breeze brought relief along with the scent of rich earth and clean mountain air. For the first time, instead of sorrow that she’d lost her mom, Delilah felt fiercely lucky to have had her for eighteen years. She’d gotten the soothing touch of her mom’s hand sifting through her hair, advice when she’d had trouble with a friend, and companionship during all those long nights when she couldn’t sleep.
Girls needed their moms so, so much.
Life just didn’t make sense sometimes.
Ruby gl
anced at the house. “Go now. See momma.” She rocked her hips, as if to get Delilah moving.
She didn’t know how much more she could take, knowing the truth this little girl was about to face when she got inside her empty home. “I wish I’d known your mom, because she made the most wonderful little girl in the world.” She swallowed past the hard knot in her throat. “Ruby, I swear, your momma loves you with all her heart.” The force of her emotion caused her to squeeze Ruby a little too hard. “She loves you.”
The front door creaked open, and they both looked over to find Will taking up the doorway with his big, strapping frame.
“Wheel!” She squirmed, and the moment Delilah set her down she took off like a bottle rocket. When she hit the porch stairs, she lifted her knee and hoisted herself onto the next step.
Will’s powerful arms lifted her easily, and the look in his eyes as he drew her to his chest made Delilah’s heart flip over. Something had changed in him. Overnight, he’d become easier with her. More open.
Ruby had captured that man’s heart in a way she suspected no one else ever had.
Her heart squeezed with longing. I want to capture his heart.
She really did. Now that a few days had passed, she had better perspective. She believed he had strong feelings for her—she wasn’t blind; she saw the way he looked at her. She also understood that distraction had serious repercussions for him. And, like it or not, she was a distraction.
Why would he take time away from training and his sister to play with her when she was leaving in a matter of weeks? No, she got it. She did. And, seriously, she admired him so much. Look how hard he was trying with Ruby. He was pushing past the only way of life he’d ever known to help her. And that…that was freaking powerful.
He was such a good man, and she just knew whoever he wound up with would be so damn lucky. He’s going to love someone so hard.
But it won’t be me.
Because I’ll be gone.
“You coming?” he called to her.
“Yes, of course.” Delilah forged ahead, but then stopped. “Unless…do you two want some time alone?” He might want a private conversation, just between brother and sister. “It’s so pretty here, I can take a walk.” She gestured toward the woods at the end of the street.
“Delilah.” That commanding voice held an element she hadn’t heard before. Vulnerability. “What do you say, Rubes? Do we want Wally with us?”
The little girl’s face lit up, and she flapped a hand. “Come, Wally.”
Happiness breezed through her, fluttering the curtains of every room in her heart. She kicked into gear, heading up the walkway and following the siblings inside.
The house had been sealed up for several weeks, making the air stale and the rooms…forlorn. A staircase divided the small downstairs into a dining room to her left and living room to her right. Not a single personal item—photos, toys, clothes—to be found. At the top of the stairs she could see a bathroom, a hand towel hanging carelessly off the rod, as if someone had quickly dried their hands before dashing off.
“Momma!” The moment they hit the foyer, Ruby twisted in Will’s arms so violently he nearly dropped her. He set her on the floor, and she took off toward the kitchen. “Momma?” The raw excitement—relief—made tears burn in Delilah’s eyes.
Poor Will. He looked utterly stricken. “Ruby.” He said it forcefully enough to get her attention, but the girl ignored him. “Your momma’s not here.” He went after her, but she ducked out of his reach and headed for the staircase.
“Momma, momma, momma.” She leaned forward in what had to be a routine of scrambling up the stairs with both hands, but Will latched an arm around her stomach and pulled her to his chest. “Ruby, stop. Listen to me, sweetheart. Your momma’s not home. She’s not here.”
“Here, Wheel. Momma here.” She scraped a pudgy hand across her face, shoving the hair aside to look at him. Her chest pumped hard, and her forehead creased in frustration. “Lego.”
“Not yet, okay? I want to talk to you.”
“No, Wheel. No.” Her cheeks bright red, Ruby looked wild-eyed. Perspiration gleamed on her forehead. She writhed in her brother’s arms. “Lego.”
“Hey, hey, listen to me.” Will’s hold tightened as he cupped his sister’s chin and forced her to look into her eyes. “It’s okay, Ruby. Everything’s going to be all right, I promise.”
Slowly, she stopped resisting.
He caressed the back of her head, holding her gaze. “I got you, sweetheart. I got you.”
Her chest stopped pumping so rapidly.
“We’re just going to sit down, and I’m going to talk to you, okay?” He gave her a soft, sweet smile. “You with me, Ruby-bean?”
Slowly, the wildness in her eyes settled.
“We’re going to be okay, Ruby. We really are.”
Delilah had never heard him use that voice. Gentle, but with an underlying confidence that would turn the harshest skeptic into a fervent believer. Soon, Ruby relaxed in his arms.
As they headed to the couch, Delilah looked around the living room. “Where are the photos? She’ll want them when she’s older.”
“The babysitter brought over Ruby’s clothes and books and toys, but she didn’t want to touch anything else. She wasn’t sure how we’d want to handle pictures and her mom’s things, so she put them in the mom’s room and shut the door.” He glanced back to the stairs. “We’ll let her choose a few things before we go, and then I’ll have Lachlan come by and box everything else up. But I want her to have pictures of her mom in her room and in the hallway, alongside our family photos.”
“That’s…that’s really nice.” She wanted to reach for his hand and squeeze. She wanted to be close enough that she could tell him how she really felt. To touch him whenever she wanted.
She wanted him to be hers.
“Want Momma, Wheel.” The little girl sounded like she’d just had enough.
“Yeah, Rubes. I know you do.” Sitting down, he settled her on his lap. He patted the cushion beside him. “Sit with us, Wally.”
Perched on his knee, Ruby gazed up at her, clutching her chicken. Delilah sat close to Will, their arms and legs touching, and she rested a hand on his thigh. I’m here. Will looked at it for a moment, before letting out a rough exhalation that let her know how hard this moment was for him.
Then, he turned his attention to his sister. “Rubes?”
The little girl looked up at him with big blue eyes brimming with innocence and trust.
“I know you miss your momma, but I have to tell you something. Your momma died, and she’s not coming back.”
The starkness of his words hit like a mallet to her funny bone, the sensation reverberating in the stunned silence.
Ruby swiveled to Delilah, her brow scrunched in concern. “Momma wuv Wooby.”
Oh, shit. She’d thought she was reassuring the little girl…not betraying her trust. Crap, she never should have said anything. Speaking of her mom in the present tense had made Ruby believe her mom was alive. She looked helplessly to Will.
But he wasn’t paying attention to her. He tipped Ruby’s chin and brought her focus back to him. “Yes.” He said it firmly, like planting a flagpole in the earth. “Your momma loved you more than anything in this world, but she died, and she’s not here anymore. She can’t come back.” His Adam’s apple jumped as he seemed to swallow an ocean of sadness. “I’m very sad, and we’re all going to miss her. But, sweetheart, she’s not coming home.”
Delilah had faulted him for taking advice from books and a therapist, instead of acting on his instincts. And now she felt like a fool, because how did anyone know how to behave in such a horrible situation? That research had shown him how to handle a conversation no one should ever have to experience.
Up until this moment, no matter what had come Ruby’s way, she’d maintained her irrepressible spirit. Now, though, it all seemed to leak out of her, and she slumped on Will’s lap. Delilah had no idea what
was going on in the little girl’s mind—how she could begin to process such enormous news—but she looked lost. Her fingers curled in the stuffed chicken. “Momma come home. Come home to Wooby.”
Through a wall of tears, Delilah looked down at her sandals.
“No, sweetheart.” Will’s voice was soft but firm. “She isn’t coming home. But—” He tipped her chin and forced his sister to look him in the eye. “But I’m going to take care of you. You’re my sister, and I’m always going to be here. You live with me and your other brothers now. You’re our family.”
Will’s usually implacable features wavered with a sorrow he clearly struggled to rein in. He shifted her onto the cushion, got on his knees on the carpet, and cupped her cheeks in his big hands. “You’re with me now, sweetheart, and I’m always going to be here for you.” He let out a short, sharp breath. “I love you, Ruby.”
Oh, my God. What had happened between yesterday and today that he was calling her sweetheart, promising to be there for her, and expressing his love?
Her heart swelled with affection as she watched Will hold his sister’s gaze unrelentingly, until loss turned to peace, and confusion to trust.
Then he smiled, and it was like sunlight breaking through clouds. So much beauty. He got up, knees cracking, and picked her up. “Let’s go to your momma’s room and you can choose pictures to take home with us. Okay?”
Delilah sat there for a moment, watching the siblings head up the stairs, and that was when she knew, clear as day, what she felt for Will was real. Her heart, mind, and body, were completely connected to that man.
She wanted him in a way that went beyond fun or a crush or anything she’d ever experienced before.
But he didn’t want her the same way, and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.
For the three-day judged art festival at Owl Hoot, the chefs had to create a brunch menu. Delilah had sourced all her ingredients from local slow food growers, the hydroponic farm, and ranchers. Not that it mattered to the judges—they only cared about taste, creativity, and presentation. But to her…this was the fun stuff.
“Girl, this was the best sangria I’ve ever had.” The waiter breezed past her with a tray of tall, clear glasses filled with the remnants of oranges, lemons, limes, apples, and pears.
