by Lizzy Ford
Had I done it? Broken the time loop?
“Worthless youth today!” she was mumbling. “And here I’d thought to take you on as an apprentice!”
I blinked, and new anger helped right my mind. “I’m a Caretaker,” I retorted. “Not only that, but I actually saved the world!” Maybe. If this isn’t a horrible dream. God, why couldn’t I tell whether or not this was real? It felt real.
“You?” She harrumphed and eyed me up and down. “You almost drowned yourself walking down the hall.”
“Yes, me!”
“Tell me why you should be a Caretaker, girl.”
“Because I gave up everything to save the worlds!” Uncertain of the truth of what I’d been through, I at least knew I was done being bullied by this tiny little lady. “For once, can you be civil to me? Acknowledge what I do around here? You won’t be around forever, and I know I’m going to take over for you. You could at least tell me something about what I’m supposed to do! I almost destroyed everything because I didn’t know, because you left me in the dark, and you’re going to sit there and look down on me, treat me like shit and then dump the fate of humanity in my lap? I figured it out on my own, and I saved everyone!”
The Caretaker was studying me closely.
“Well, I’m done with this shit!” I snapped. “I’m a Caretaker, like it or not, and I’m a damned good one! I. Saved. The. World!” I said a little hysterically. “I’m tired of taking shit from everyone and tired of feeling out of control of my life. If you won’t tell me how to be a good Caretaker, I’ll go to the damn Council and ask them to reassign me. If I’m the only person who can prevent Carey from destroying all the worlds, I’ll do whatever it takes to stop him. And if I decide to marry Teyan and move to Tili, I don’t give a shit what you think about it! I’m in charge of my life from now on!”
She was unfazed.
With her, I always felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs and she had earplugs in.
Panting from emotion, I waited for her to say something. Anything.
“You locked the door, didn’t you, Yankee?” she asked quietly.
Was that all she thought about?
“One rule, and you couldn’t follow it.” She shook her head.
“Yes, I did,” I said tersely.
“Did you learn your lesson?”
“I locked it twice,” I told her. “And yes. I get it now. I know why that stupid rule exists!”
“You were the worst of my apprentices at following directions.”
I’d never, ever understand this woman. I expected some kind of reaction from the Caretaker other than impatience or irritation. Why didn’t she take me seriously? How could she ignore what I’d been through, what I’d told her, if she was remotely good at her job? Did she flat out think I was lying? Did she not care every world we knew of had almost been destroyed, that I’d hurt everyone I ever loved by locking the door the first time and saved those I could when I did it the second time?
“It wasn’t all for nothing, if you learned your lesson,” she added at my flummoxed silence.
“Lesson?” I echoed in astonishment. “Everyone was going to die! How can you be so cruel as to call that a lesson?”
“Stubborn people need bigger lessons.”
My mouth fell open but nothing came out. I flapped it open and closed several times before I could muster a response. “I don’t understand. Are you saying it wasn’t real?”
“I’m saying, when I pass someday, you will be prepared to handle the duty.” She peered at me over the rim of her glasses. “Unless you choose to marry the Tili and move away.”
In a state of complete confusion, I watched her place a dozen teacups onto a tray. I couldn’t understand what she was saying or rather … what she was not saying. What the hell was I missing this time?
Was this place even real?
What about everything I’d been through?
“Now, I must fire a certain Nidiani apprentice,” the Caretaker said. “We always test you in pairs, and his failure ranks among the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. It’s proof even those who know all the answers still may not make the right choices. You were the opposite. You’re as dumb as they come, and you figured it out. And here I thought you’d be the one to fail.”
Was there a compliment in there somewhere?
She left the kitchen, tray in hand, and called over her shoulder, “If you want to marry the Tili, go ahead. I don’t need an apprentice who punches visitors, deserving as they may be of being hit.”
I stared at the dark night visible through the screen door. Here I thought going back in time was a lot to take in. Dealing with her left me in a constant state of pure frustration.
My thoughts began to race as I took in her insane claim of this being a test I’d taken alongside Carey.
Oddly enough, Carey hadn’t seemed to know me when I punched him a few minutes ago. How was that possible, when I recalled meeting him?
I thought back to the first time I’d interacted with him. Carey was the first to tell me of the monsters, the first to hint at trouble with Jiod and discuss becoming an apprentice. He was with me when I locked the door and when we were both propelled ten years into the future. His arrival at the bed and breakfast had altered my quiet life here, and he’d been the only one to go to the future with me. He’d admitted to not knowing how Caretakers were selected and introduced me to the physics of portals, the history of the Five Peoples and everything else. Was this the knowledge she referred to? The official Caretaking training he’d received that I’d been denied? I’d known nothing about anything, and cared even less about what little I did know, when I locked the door.
This had changed. I’d been forced to learn about the Five Peoples and visited three of their planets, forced to move past my fear in order to help the people I loved. With some uneasiness, I realized I had a better handle on the dynamics among the different Peoples, how to use the portals, how to be a Caretaker and even a little bit about the science behind the magic than I ever would have had I sat through a year of lectures at school.
If this were a test, and I unexpectedly passed, did that mean none of what I’d been through happened?
Or … was the Caretaker messing with me? As usual? She had flat out lied about the supernatural activity here when I asked her about it the first few weeks I was at the bed and breakfast.
The more I dwelt on her claim, the less I could accept the idea of it being a test. I wouldn’t, and couldn’t, handle it if I started to doubt what I’d been through or if I viewed what happened to me as anything other than reality. It robbed the significance of every emotion, every ounce of pain I’d been through, every decision I’d made, every hard lesson I’d learned, if I let myself believe this had been an elaborate test and I hadn’t actually broken a time loop and saved the world from robots.
Although in hindsight, time loops and robots seemed kind of … odd. Even for a place where vegetables grew from seeds to fruition in a few hours.
“What is this marry?” Teyan’s soft voice came from the doorway into the kitchen.
At once, every thought except for one fell away. My pulse soared, and I recalled with no small amount of exhilaration how it had felt to be in his arms.
He was alive. The bond we shared transcended time, space and physics in general. The idea he was here and safe filled me with the kind of joy I’d never experienced before, more so when I realized if he were alive, so was my mom. My hands trembled from emotion, and I wanted to weep from confusion and excitement.
Facing him, I felt my cheeks grow warm beneath his intent gaze. I’d lost him once – real or not – and I wasn’t going to let fear, the Caretaker, monsters or anything else stand between us ever again.
“It means, if you want me to come to Tili with you, I will,” I said. “If you want me to stay forever, I will.”
The faint smile of the self-assured teen was warm, a mirror image of the way he’d looked at me before, when he was ten years
older.
“I even have a name for my rawerah picked out,” I added at the thick silence. Tomtom’s pain lingered inside me, and for a split second, I began to think it was better if this had all been a test, so I could live my life knowing my sweet saber tooth protector hadn’t died defending me. Maybe I would meet him again some day.
“Have we met before you helped save my life?”
“I don’t think so,” I replied, a bit pensive when I considered what a time loop was. “It feels like we have.”
“I have always felt this,” he said without hesitation. “I have liked you since we first met.”
Unable to help it, I sighed in exasperation. “But why?” I asked and stepped closer to him. “What do you see in me, Teyan?” Why would you risk your life and travel to the planet of your enemies for me? I added silently.
His smile widened. “A butterfly,” he said. “Hiding in a cocoon one day and the next, you become strong and break through it and then …” He lifted his eyes towards the ceiling. “You become free. Beautiful. Happy. And you fly away with me.”
I could almost hear him singing the Butterfly Song again. My eyes misted over. He had no idea what we’d been through together or how much he’d helped me grow. Without him, I’d never be a butterfly in any life.
“I’ve been waiting for this day when we can fly away together,” he said.
“I like that idea. Let’s do that,” I whispered, touched by the image in my head and the warmth in his expression. How had he always been drawn to me with such assurance and confidence we were meant to be? Since the first time we met, he tried to befriend me, and always returned to try again when I shied away.
He met my gaze again and offered his hand.
I took it, and his warmth and familiar scent further cemented me into this world. How this came to be, whether it was a test or a time loop, I didn’t know, but I was here with him again.
I love you, Teyan. I hadn’t said the words before locking the door a second time, and right now didn’t seem right, either. This Teyan felt our bond but didn’t yet know me the way I did him.
“Girl! No flying away until you finish the dishes!” the Caretaker snapped as she returned with an empty tray. “Tili, back to your parlor. You can talk later.”
Teyan offered me a smile and squeezed my hand before releasing it. He retreated back to the far parlor where the Komandi and Tili were gathered.
I watched him go, unable to believe he was alive, and we were starting over. This time, no one’s family would be murdered by robots, and we’d never be separated again.
“Tell me the truth,” I said, turning to the Caretaker. “Was it a test?” I was starting to calm. The familiar surroundings smoothed the sharpness of my recent memories. It was easier to accept I was here when I wanted so much for it to be true.
She set the tray on the counter. “Would it matter if it was?”
If she didn’t die in two days, as she had before, I was going to strangle her. I had forgotten how much I despised this woman.
“Yes,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Whether you saved the world or passed a test, you learned what it means to be a Caretaker.”
Surprised she was talking to me instead of at me, I didn’t dare speak, in case she shut down.
“Complete your tasks here as my apprentice, and you can go live on any world you want,” she added. “You’ll be required to complete Caretaker tasks when called upon from time to time, but there is no rule saying you can’t become a butterfly with your Tili.”
I blushed, irritated she’d overheard my private conversation with Teyan. It sounded like she was going to let me go, even if my probation wasn’t yet over. “You won’t tell me if what I went through was real?”
“If it was, you have a second chance to make your life yours. If it wasn’t, you have a first chance to do the same. The truth would have no bearing on this or your readiness to become a Caretaker.”
I hated it when she made sense. “I think I’m going to need some serious counseling,” I said, thoughts on the sight of my mom lying in a pool of blood.
“If you want to be a Caretaker, you better toughen up. Stop whining and wash the dishes, girl!” the Caretaker barked and turned around. She left me in the kitchen once more.
“My name is Gianna, and I’m already the best Caretaker there’s ever been!” I shouted after her. With a shake of my head, cursing her under my breath, I began piling the dishes into the sink and then stopped and reached back into my pocket for my cell phone. I frowned, disappointed.
It was the phone I’d had when I arrived to the bed and breakfast for probation, not the phone my mom bought me ten years later. I’d chucked this phone soon after I locked the door the first time.
My mom had texted, a sign she was alive, and I smiled before sending a quick response. I gazed at the phone, lost in thought once more, struggling to understand what I’d been through.
I fiddled with the phone for a moment before recalling what else I kept in my pocket.
The memory rock was gone. I’d had it since I locked the door the first time. It wasn’t in any of my pockets, and the idea I’d lost it, and every other piece of the other Teyan I’d known, left me on the verge of crying. Why should it matter when I had a second chance? Why did I mourn a man who may have never even existed let alone died?
Because I loved him. Because, for me, he had been real.
Teyan is alive, I reminded myself. He hadn’t died. I hadn’t lost him. However confused my feelings were about what happened, I wasn’t able to deny Teyan was alive, well, happy, and only a few dozen feet way from me. Relief and sorrow were strange bed partners, and the two intense emotions spun round and round inside me.
The creak of the flooring outside of the kitchen snapped me out of my emotions. I wasn’t about to let the Caretaker see me break down. I rested my hips against the sink, exhausted.
First chance, second chance, the Caretaker was right. I was done living in fear and finished being stuck by the events of my past. Teyan was my future, and I’d happily take my mom with me to Tili to live. We’d both have our own rawerahs and neither of us would ever have a bad day again. If I had to punch someone like Carey on occasion to save the worlds, I’d do that, too. I wasn’t going to let anyone stand in the way of my future.
“Gianna.”
My heart skipped a beat whenever Teyan said my name.
I looked up at the Tili warrior who approached the sink.
“You are sad?” He frowned as he studied the tears on my cheeks.
“No. I’m just a little tired.” I wiped my face. “I’m happy to see you.” The words sounded breathless and excited, and I flushed in embarrassment.
We gazed at one another in the quietness of the kitchen. I wanted to tell him how incredible he was and how much I appreciated everything he’d done for me. The memories I retained wouldn’t make sense to him, though, and I was at a loss as to what I should say. I loved how he always looked at me like he was now, as if I were his entire universe, and only we existed.
“Do you want to take a walk?” I asked finally. “Away from everyone else? We could talk and … I don’t know. Learn more about each other.”
“I would be honored,” he said with another of his faint smiles.
I slid my hand into his and led him to the back door. We stepped out into the night, and I paused to suck in the cool, dry desert air.
“In Tili culture, we believe the paths of some people are meant to cross, to become one, and nothing can prevent them from meeting,” he said quietly. “Time itself will bend to make it happen.”
I glanced at him a little uneasily. “Do you believe that?” I asked.
“I found it a foolish belief before meeting you,” he admitted. “But I cannot explain this any other way.”
“I’m just glad we’re both here, now, with our whole lives ahead of us,” I murmured.
He hesitated only briefly before his arm went around my shoulders. I sank
into him, reveling in his warmth and strength. The image of him dying was fading slowly from my mind, and I focused on breathing in his scent and being with him in this moment.
Whether this was fate, physics, or magic, I didn’t care, so long as Teyan and I had a shot at a future I knew without a doubt was going to be amazing. This time around, I’d be the woman who deserved to bear the title of Caretaker instead of the frightened teen who hadn’t trusted herself, let alone anyone else, and who locked the door out of anger. This time around, I was going to become the butterfly Teyan had always believed me to be, and we were going to fly away and live happily ever after on a planet where the insects were bigger than cars.
“Yankee! Those dishes won’t do themselves!”
Every time I get one second of happiness … I groaned at the Caretaker’s voice. Leaning my head back, I gazed up at Teyan. “I’m sorry. I have chores.”
He smiled down at me. “We will walk when you are done,” he promised. “I am patient. Our time will come.”
I nodded and withdrew from the heat of his body with regret. I released his hand and started towards the house. “Thank you, Teyan,” I said before I could stop myself.
“For what?”
“For believing in me.” And saving my life and giving me a rawerah and everything else. Tears pricked my eyes, and I rushed on before he could respond. “You can go inside. I’ll find you when I’m done cleaning.”
“I will wait, Gianna. As long as it takes,” he said gravely.
I started to smile at his seriousness, amused he thought it might take me more than an hour or two to do the dishes and finish cleaning the kitchen.
“In any time, on any world, in any situation, we are destined to find one another. I will wait for you to find me, if I cannot find you first,” he added. “And I will always search for you, no matter where I must go or what I must do.”
