by Gabi Moore
She was silent. That came out a little curt.
“You know what, I’m sorry, you’re right. I don’t know why I thought to call you,” she said, doing nothing to hide the disappointment in her voice.
“Ally, that came out wrong. I’ll help you. Of course I’ll help you. I just… I overreacted the other day. It really upset me to see that stuff, and to be honest, I don’t want you to get too attached over anything…”
“That’s funny, I was thinking the same thing about you,” she said.
Fuck.
“Anyway, seeing those books just brought back some old memories I’d rather not think about.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It wasn’t you. You were great,” I said.
“I know.”
I was stunned.
“Huh, well, anyway. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about how it panned out the other night, I guess.”
“I already told you, it’s okay.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Well, uh, yeah. Your ex. You need to avoid people like that.”
She sighed.
“You’re not listening to me. I am avoiding him. But he’s coming after me and my kids. I need to act.”
“And do what?”
Here she dropped her voice to an almost whisper.
“Make him go away? For good. Don’t get too cocky about it, but I called you because I know you have experience with this kind of thing, and because of the missions you’ve done with organizations like the one he belongs to…”
“Wait, what? I never told you that we were investigating the National Legacy?”
“I’m not stupid, David.”
Silence.
“Ally, shit. These people aren’t some cheesy old guys playing at KKK at weekend barbecues. These aren’t just causal racists. These guys mean business.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
“This is bad,” I groaned.
“David, he’s targeting my children.”
I thought of little Ben. Ben who wore miniature versions of very serious little button-up jumpers, and slightly lisped his words, and still had soft, baby hands. I thought of his older brother, lovingly irritated with him at all times, but defending him even though he was only a few inches taller. I thought of the two of them fleeing the scary monster in the backyard, squealing with excitement, toy swords flailing. It was hard to believe they were the sons of a man who belonged to an organization responsible for more than a dozen terrorist attacks in the last year alone. It was kind of crazy that a man that evil could produce children so… perfect. Legacy is a funny thing.
“Ok,” I said. “I’ll take care of it, don’t worry. Give me his full name.”
“Andrew Watkins.”
“Ok. Good. Don’t worry. Don’t raise any trouble. And don’t tell anyone you’ve talked to me about this, okay? Nobody. You know nothing. He’s probably just some low-level member, but if he’s not, you need to be careful. I’ll get back to you on what I find out.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“About last night though…” she said, her voice softening a little.
I braced myself.
“It didn’t mean anything, okay? I think it’s just been a very long time for me, and I got carried away.”
“Yeah, yeah. Of course. Same,” I said quickly.
“It all happened a bit fast and it’s probably best we just focus on the kids and stick to the program rules.”
“Oh absolutely,” I said. But inwardly, I was surprised. Wasn’t that my line? Compared to how I’d seen her last, she seemed so clear headed right now. It almost made me want to ruffle her up all over again. I didn’t want the conversation to end. But I didn’t know what else to say.
“So um, do you need me to come over this weekend and take the boys somewhere?”
“No, there’s no need, but thank you. My mom’s coming in to town this weekend and wanted to spend some time with them, so.”
“I see,” I said, unable to stop myself imagining that this meant she’d be alone that weekend.
“Well, okay then.”
“Okay.”
It was like the tension in our conversation nearly crackled through the line. I couldn’t take the forced politeness any longer.
“So, you really haven’t been with anyone since your ex?” I blurted.
Silence.
“Well, no, I haven’t. But that’s kind of an inappropriate question...”
“Yeah, I know but… sorry, it’s just that… the whole thing was kind of out of the ordinary for me.”
“It was out of the ordinary for me too.”
More silence.
“Look, David, I just have a lot on my plate right now. We have to be realistic here, where could something like this ever go?”
I swallowed hard.
“What do you mean? The age difference between us is not that big. I swear I thought you were 30 or something,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. She did laugh, thankfully.
“Ok, but what if I think you’re too young for me?” she said.
“Ouch.”
“I mean it, David. You’re cute and all, and I know I’m supposed to be flattered that a hot young guy is interested in me …but come on. I have responsibilities. We’re in completely different life stages, you and me. I need stability, a family, steady income, right? How do you think this is going to work with us? We secretly fuck each other after the boys go to bed?”
I quietly relished hearing her speak like that.
“Well, why not? I don’t see the problem,” I said, again being lighthearted.
“And that’s the problem right there,” she said, still laughing.
“But I don’t see why you don’t just want to follow this and see where it goes. You don’t have to be so serious.”
“But I do. I don’t have time to see where shit ‘goes’. The other night was fun, but it can’t happen again. I need more than fun in my life right now. Maybe find yourself some cute girl your age and have a good time with her. I’m not that kind of woman.”
No, she really wasn’t. She was nothing like any kind of woman I’d met before, in fact. She was so strong and yet so fragile at the same time. She was older and wiser than be by miles, but I still felt this strong urge to protect her. Her kids petrified me. But somehow I kept coming back, hoping they’d let me play a role in their lives, even if it was just a tiny one.
“I understand. I’ll, uh, get in touch with my contacts and see what they know about Andrew, don’t worry. I hate to think of that shit touching the boys somehow. They’re good kids, and I’ll do what I can to protect them from all that.”
The line went quiet again. That little speech didn’t quite feel like it belonged in my mouth, but once I’d said it, I decided I meant every word. Hadn’t I wished there had been someone looking out for me when I was a boy? I didn’t have kids of my own, but maybe I could make a difference in their lives, even though my own life was a bit of fuck up.
“Thank you, David. I appreciate that,” she said quietly.
I said goodbye and we hung up.
I was reeling. That was not the way I expected that conversation to go. Maybe Jack was right and I was growing up after all. Maybe this weird feeling welling up in me was …fuck, I don’t know. I felt like an idiot for assuming she would be clingy and needy just because we had sex. I felt embarrassed that I hadn’t given her more credit. I had been so hell bent on making sure she kept her distance that when she did, it suddenly became clear to me how much I didn’t want that at all.
The guys had all made promises to one another after the last mission was disbanded and we were all sent home. It was a bit lame, truth be told, but I think at that moment I began to understand why they wanted to make those promises at all. What had my life really amounted to, so far? What did I have to show for myself? I was so sure that as a single mother, she would be desperate to take something from
me, but all at once, like a slap in the face I realized: what did I even have to offer? Why had I assumed I was such hot shit in the first place?
I left that conversation feeling vaguely ashamed. She made me want to do better. I wanted to touch that beautiful body of hers again more than anything. I would have given my right arm just to taste her lips one more time. She had opened to me that night; her body had trusted mine so fully that I was still zinging days later. But she was right. She had responsibilities. I was just a failed SEAL with a bad chip on his shoulder and some ugly ass tattoos. She was a grown woman fighting a battle that really mattered. I didn’t know how I was going to win her over just yet, but if her kids were the most important thing in the world to her, then they would have to be important to me, too.
Chapter 11 - Ally
And just like that, life went grey again. The color seeped away from everything and suddenly my days were just work and chores again, one after the other, like everything had been wrung dry of life and hung up in the wind. I knew that hitting the breaks with David was the right thing to do. It just didn’t feel like the right thing.
I tortured myself all that morning with thoughts of him, although this time I could let each scenario bubble off into wild fantasy – why not, since none of it would ever really happen? He was too young to be saddled with all my emotional baggage and I was too old to hope that it might work out somehow. The idea had always been to get a good role model in the boy’s life. That was still my plan. So, it was best to keep things simple. They just didn’t feel simple. It’s a lesson you learn as a mother: you don’t always want the things that are good for you, but there are no fairy godmothers in life and there was no man who could whisk into my world and make it all right somehow, no matter how much I wished that were true.
I spent that morning getting the kids ready for their grandma’s. She had planned a big outing to a theme park and an overnight stay at a cute B&B with a pool. And though there was at that very moment an evil looking knife sitting out of reach high up in a cupboard in my bedroom, and though I was beside myself imagining when Andrew would tear into my life and ruin everything again, I smiled and helped the kids pack their bags, and gave them their gummy vitamins and watched as they brushed their teeth. Like I said, you don’t always want to do the good things. But who else will do them?
My mother came 5 minutes early and I saw them all off, marveling instantly at how quiet the house was without them yelling and running around inside. I flopped down onto the sofa – the one tainted forever with the memory of that time I lost my mind with him for a few sweet minutes – and tried to think.
Andrew had no actual criminal record. They may not have even been a record of him belonging to the National Legacy. Because he was their biological father, I had no grounds to refuse his gifts to them, and our agreement that he would leave them alone was just a verbal one. The awful thing was that everybody loved Andrew. He was too smart to show his true colors to just anyone, and he had a knack for manipulation unlike any other. He worked, paid his taxes, and probably didn’t even have a parking ticket to his name.
Still, I clung to the fantasy that David would be able to grab hold of the problem in a way I hadn’t thought of yet. I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole went with these kinds of groups, but I knew that the Dept. of Defense had quietly diverted more and more resources to ‘homegrown terrorism’ over the years, and people like Andrew were more of a concern than anyone cared to admit.
I went into my room to change into something comfortable and couldn’t help but throw a glance to my secret underwear drawer. Usually a quick photo session wearing a few frilly things was enough to lift my mood a little, but this time I just felt sad thinking about all those unloved sweet nothings. How much money had I spent on exotic lingerie that nobody except me had ever set eyes on? Out of everything in this chaotic house, the contents of that single drawer held what was probably the last remaining shreds of joy for me. Everything else was all about obligation or practicality. Everything else was for the kids. But my leopard print and pink lace teddy? That had no purpose at all except to thrill me to have it on. And my strappy black satin nightgown with a slit that went all the way to the bellybutton? It was the least practical thing in the universe, and I loved it. I only wished more of my life was as sweet and whimsical. I only wish I had the guts to risk my heart on a man like David and… fuck, I don’t know, wear fancy underwear for him? How pathetic.
I shrugged on a pair of tights and a loose tank top and shook my hair out of its ponytail. I walked back into the living room and instantly noticed someone pulling into the driveway.
Shit!
It was him.
I frantically searched my top for stains, tied my hair back up and opened the door to him smiling calmly at me.
“David! I… didn’t expect you…”
I felt his eyes linger over me.
“I can tell,” he said with a cheeky smile. I could have asked him why he’d come when he knew he kids weren’t there. I could have played dumb and wondered out loud if we’d made a scheduling error somehow. But even before my brain did, the rest of me knew why he was here, and I stepped aside gracefully to let him come inside.
I closed the door but didn’t turn around to face him. Just knowing he was in the same room was doing strange things to me. I hated how I had spent the whole morning justifying to myself why we couldn’t see each other like this anymore, why it wasn’t fair to the kids, why it was dangerous, inappropriate, selfish, a little stupid… but all he had to do was stand behind me right now and all that flew out the window. My brain could think of a thousand reasons why touching him right now was the worst idea. But my body couldn’t remember a single one of them.
“Andrew Watkins,” he said, and he went into the kitchen. I followed. “Andrew Watkins is what’s called a ‘Fifth Order Knight’, and he’s a very dangerous man. I was surprised that he had never been arrested. These are smart people. They build up layers around them, so that by the time you’ve unraveled the real person responsible for something, they’ve had the time to restructure. They spin a big story about loyalty and honor, but it’s just a ruse to make sure they have lots of nobodies to take the fall when necessary. It took the FBI 18 months to figure out the name of Andrew’s higher up, and he died a week later.”
There was something so satisfying about hearing him talk like this. He was experienced, and it showed. I loved how calmly and clearly he spoke, how high he held his head. As rough and animalistic as I had seen him once, he was now the picture of the perfect gentleman – refined, restrained and playing the good-guy role like he was born for it. It was hard not to get turned on.
“I know a few people who work with an investigation who have their eye on this group. A few men in my old team have agreed to make sure someone has a …little word with him about harassing your children. An associate helped me track down your divorce records and she thinks that starting a messy custody case now will be to your disadvantage. So, we’ll have to go rogue for this one. Your man has plenty of dirt on him as it is, but—”
“He does?” I took a small step toward him.
“Oh yeah. It’s hard to keep track of the plea bargains he’s stringing along. Point is, though, we can’t touch him yet. There are at least three undercover CIA in his ranks as we speak, and they’re working on using him to get to Bartlett.”
“Bartlett?”
“The Sixth Order Knight directly above him. The big cheese.”
“Oh my god.”
“I know where Andrew lives and I’ve put my men on the job,” he said, and gave me a little nod.
“Wait, the… the job?” I asked. I felt the blood draining from my face. This was all too much.
“Do you want him to stay away from your children, or don’t you?” he said calmly.
“Of course I—”
“Then that’s that. Don’t look so horrified, Ally, I’m not suggesting we kill the guy. Just make sure he understands not to go nea
r Ben and Alex again.”
I had to lean back against the kitchen stool to steady myself.
“Ally, isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Yes… yes, it is... it’s just that… I never thought I’d stoop to this level, you know? I try to teach my sons all the time that real men don’t solve their problems with violence and yet here I am…”
The sensation of his hands closing around my shoulders cut me short.
“Ally, there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself.”
I suddenly felt strangely emotional.
“Yeah, sure, I understand that,” I said quickly. “Thank you so much for your help. I didn’t realize you could just …that it would be so easy to…”
“I didn’t say it was easy.”
My gaze fell into his.
“I’ve been so rude to you lately and yet you still help me,” I whispered.
“It’s Ben and Alex I’m helping. They shouldn’t have to pay for the mistakes their father made.”
I nodded quickly to try and stop the tears falling, but I couldn’t, and soon I was crying freely, desperately trying to wipe away each drop on my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, I’m just …it’s been so hard with him, it’s been so hard to raise them on my own.” The truth was I was overwhelmed at the sensation of being helped. The fact that he had stepped in, listened to what I needed and had taken care of my problem just like that, no questions asked… I didn’t know why but it made me want to cry.
He stepped forward and folded me easily in his arms.
“Hey, shhh, don’t cry, please?”
“It’s ok, I’m not unhappy,” I blathered. How could I explain that they were tears of relief? I had been the two boys’ sole guardian for years, having to keep them safe even from their own father, never resting, never having a life of my own. And now it felt like I had someone on my team for once. It might not have seemed like much to another woman, but to me…
I dried my tears and gathered myself, only to realize how good it felt to be in his arms.
“I admire you,” I said to his chest, relishing the weight of his arms around me. “It must be so freeing to not let anyone walk over you. To have all these powerful contacts, to have people respect you …and even fear you. To be so strong.”
