by Gabi Moore
“Anthony and I can’t be together anymore,” she said plainly.
His name snapped me to attention. I didn’t know what to say.
“You …I don’t know what this is, between us. But I know I can’t be with him anymore. After the ship wreck it was like something changed in me. I can’t explain it. Like when we were in that storeroom, and I thought we were going to die for sure, I just kept on thinking, was that all I had done with my life? Was that who I had decided to be with, in the end? It seemed all wrong.”
Except for the waves tossing and splashing quietly around us, everything was silent.
“Ellie, I don’t know what’s going to happen here. I don’t know if any of us are going to make it off this island, or if they’ll send help …I just don’t know. I understand you’re scared and upset, but don’t make any big decisions you may regret…”
She shook her head rapidly.
“No, I know what you’re thinking, but I know I’m right. I see things clearly now for the first time in years. Anthony is a wonderful man. He really is. He’s just …he’s not for me.”
A full wave crashed into the rocks beneath us and broke into a fine spray around us both. I could see that Charlie had long gone and I could make out nobody else on the shoreline.
We were alone. For the first time since the storm struck and everything changed forever, we were alone together. Just her, and I. Her body, and my body.
I wanted to grab her right then and take her on these rocks before I lost my nerve. I wanted to kiss her again, and never stop kissing her, and just release and see where it was that our desire really wanted to take us. She was so beautiful. Her body was an island all on its own, and my real shipwreck had been staring for the first time into those eyes and losing my moorings forever.
She was wild and uninhabited, beautiful but frightening, an unknown world that I couldn’t claim, but only visit and hope to survive. I wanted to tear off these last stupid shreds of clothing from both of us and face one another honestly. The truth was I didn’t know her that well either. But I felt her. I saw her. What would it matter, if I had met her in the real world and dated her and spent years and years learning about all the pointless shit that clogs up life, like what brand of coffee she preferred or what TV shows she liked as a kid? How could any of that possibly compare to what I felt right now, and could see right now?
She stared back at me sincerely, her salt and pepper hair windswept and joyful as the sea itself, and her eyes open and clear to mine.
“Have you told him all this?” I said quietly. She was still in my arms, still pressing close to me. She looked away and didn’t answer.
“Ellie …I can’t interfere in your life.”
She sighed and pulled back a little.
“What if we never make it out of here alive? What if this is the last chance either of us get to be honest about what we really want in life?”
It was a deep question. Too much to think about. But then again, nothing like this had ever happened before. The old rules had sunk to the bottom of the ocean along with every other thing we had taken as a given.
“What do you really want then?”
She answered me only with a look. I was instantly hard.
I squeezed her shoulders, kissed her temple and released her.
“Let’s get back to the main island. We need to get these things cooked before they go bad. And you need to speak with Anthony.”
She gave me the biggest puppy eyes.
“Ellie, I don’t know what to say. But I’m here for you. Whatever you need. I’m going to do what I can to help you, OK?”
I briefly indulged in a fantasy of what she might say when she saw the boat, when she knew I’d be the one taking her away from here, back to the real world and to safety. But she had to break her ties to Anthony first. I couldn’t do that for her. Part of me wanted to just throw her over my shoulder and claim her for my own, sure. She wanted me, and I wanted her, and by any natural law that seemed like the only thing that mattered. But in the real world, it wasn’t enough. She had to leave him of her own accord. I couldn’t force her hand.
We both slipped quietly into the cold water again, and waded out into the depths. She could swim surprisingly well, but I could tell her leg was still hurting her.
“How bad is it?” I asked once we had paddled out a few yards.
“Oh, I’ll survive,” she said through a tight smile. But every glance from her now had something extra hidden inside it. Twice now we had shared furtive kisses. Twice now I had started something that I shouldn’t have. Especially because now all I could think of was how I wanted more.
“Let me help you,” I said and swam closer to her.
Beneath us the bright blue gradually gave way to jade green and then a dimensionless, inky color even deeper below that. Warm and cool currents licked over us as we swam through the water. I linked my arm through hers and tucked myself under her, so I could support her weight in the way we’d been trained to if ever a marine was drowning or unconscious.
She was light, and perfectly buoyant in the water. Her cool, smooth skin slipped easily over mine as I held her on top of me and proceeded to kick hard to propel us both back to shore.
She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. It was a peaceful, profoundly erotic moment that felt as close to heaven as I could ever hope for here on earth. To the side, I could make out her long, nearly-blonde wisps of hair snaking rhythmically in the water.
My cock was fully hard again, but I didn’t try to conceal anything from her. By now, she had already understood my position when we exchanged glances on the rock a moment ago, so what good would playing coy be now? I could feel the contours of her body through the wet fabric of her dress.
When she stopped kicking, and lay back completely to let me support her, I happily kicked harder to keep us both afloat. And when she gently reached her hand back to pass cautious, secret fingers over the swollen bulge in my trousers, I let her.
Chapter 16 - Ellie
I know the timing could have been better,” I said. “But I’ve been feeling this way for months now. I know how hard you try, and how hard you work, but everything that’s happened recently has just made me think more carefully about things and now I can admit that this relationship is just not what I want anymore.”
With my remaining good foot, I kicked at the ground and sent a white plume of beach sand into the air. I cleared my throat. No. This wasn’t meant to be some horrible confession, or a therapy session. I needed to just be honest, just say what I knew we had both been thinking.
“It’s not that I’m unhappy with you, Anthony, it’s just that I’m not exactly happy.” I kicked another plume. No, that sounded way too dramatic, even given the circumstances.
I couldn’t mention Todd. And really, Todd had nothing to do with it anyway. He was a catalyst, maybe. But only in the same way that the shipwreck itself was a catalyst. We would have broken up sooner or later, and sooner looked better to me now than letting Anthony get carried away building a whole future that deep down I didn’t want to live in anymore.
I turned to pace the other direction and kicked up yet another plume. My foot was still burning, still bleeding a little and more worryingly, a red rash from the deep cut was fanning up my leg towards my knee.
Maybe I’d end up losing more than a fiancé soon, who knew. He was the man who had wooed me harder than I thought was still in fashion. He had bought me countless gifts, picked out the names of our children and given me an engagement ring engraved with the coordinates of the exact spot we had met. But he was also the man who had given me countless bruises, and who had told me once in a drunken moment of honesty, that one of the reasons he was attracted to me was because he knew I wouldn’t mind taking a back seat to his life.
“I’ve thought about it, Anthony, and I’ve made up my mind. The engagement’s off,” I said, a little louder. Yes, that sounded good. The words of a woman who knew herself. A confident, sure w
oman. ‘No’ was a complete sentence, right? He didn’t need to know the details.
By the time I had reached my destination, I had whittled down my little speech to the bone: I wanted out, and no, I didn’t want to discuss it. End of story. The only thing missing now was Anthony himself – he had gone off to find food hours ago, and that was the last we had heard from him.
It was getting late. Everyone had spread off to do their own little tasks and slowly we were gathering again at our shelter. But Anthony was still AWOL. The bottom half of the sky was already getting a hazy, pink and blue tinge to it and he still hadn’t returned. I forbid myself from coming to any hasty conclusions.
I walked on and pushed through the leaves to find what I was looking for.
Ah, there it was.
Earlier, Carl and Livvy had shown me this small stream. I peeked over my shoulder to see if I’d been followed and then crept closer, quickly shrugged off my cocktail dress and dipped one tentative toe into the water. The cool water was a shock, but a welcome one. It felt scandalous, having the soft breeze stroking over my bare skin, and I lingered there for a moment, in my underwear, relishing how illicit it all felt. I reached back to unhook my bra and placed it carefully on a dry rock beside me, then took two careful steps out of my panties and lay them aside, too.
What I had done with Todd this morning was wrong, no doubt about it. But he wasn’t to blame. I stared down at the clear, glassy water around my calves. But who was to blame? I didn’t know where to draw the line on my mistakes. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I shouldn’t have been on that ship at all, knowing full well that our ‘last chance’ would never amount to anything. I should have never agreed to his proposal at all. Going further back, maybe the first mistake was getting involved with a man I knew deep down would kill me slowly.
The damn storm was to blame. And this water right here was also at fault. This was the reason why I had to end it with Anthony. This feeling of… I barely even understood it myself. But it was wild and raw and real and it felt so different from the way my life had played out so far that it scared me. I was hungry and wounded and about to end an engagement, and yet the truth was that the shipwreck was the single most exciting thing to ever happen to me. I felt alive. It was more than adrenaline, more than the novelty of the situation or even the fear of not knowing if any of us would live to see out the week.
It was …this.
I crouched down and sucked in my breath as the warm skin of my thighs and then my abdomen sunk deeper into the cold water. Underneath it, my body looked blurred, its edges skipping and sketchy, like I wasn’t quite so real underwater as I was up here. The air around me smelt of roots and the chemical tang of water. Why had I never skinny dipped in my life? Why had it taken me so long to realize how beautiful it felt to be naked in cool water in the forest?
I dunked down deeper still and submerged to the neck. Now, the silky ribbons of cool water threaded over me, past my arms, through my legs and all around as I moved slowly, creating only the quietest, tiniest of ripples. I lay my head back to dunk my hair and nearly gasped out loud at how good the water felt flooding over every last hair on my scalp. I shuddered hard as sharp goosebumps washed over me, tightening my nipples. I leant back and floated for some time, stuck in a daydream that involved the leafy rooftop of the forest above me, the bands of sun streaking through it and my vague new plan to be someone else, someone different and bursting with immense, grateful lust for life.
After a while I grabbed my dress, held it under the water and tried to wring and scrub the fabric, coaxing out a full day’s worth of salt and sand and sweat. I did the same to my underwear and then stepped halfway out of the pool to hang everything up on some thorny branches. When I sunk back into the water again, there was nothing but the faint drip drip drip of my drying clothes and the distant call of birds.
I lay back again and floated on my back, idly paddling my arms.
I would tell Anthony, and he would understand. He’d be hurt, of course. But I knew that he must have been exhausted, too. Tired of pushing me. Tired of waiting for me to be the model wife I wasn’t. He’d understand. He’d have to. It all seemed so simple now. Why did people have to hurt each other like this? I would miss Anthony with all my heart. But floating so still and peaceful here, that seemed only like the smallest of details. I needed to let him go, just as easily as I had taken off that dress that was once pretty, but was now torn and just didn’t fit me at all.
My hands went to stroke over my belly. The water made my skin feel supernaturally silky, so that my hands slid frictionless over. After the day I had had, this alga colored water in this little rock pool was worth more than the fanciest spa in the world. I was empty inside – we had eaten, but only barely, and if we stayed here much longer, we’d all start wasting away in no time. Like they had a life of their own, my hands slipped lower onto the curve of my upper thighs. I stroked up to my hips, then all the way down again. How perfect it was to be alive!
I moved watery fingers over my breasts, circling hardened nipples that poked through the film of water if I curved my back upwards. I arched and looked down to admire myself. Out here, my body seemed completely at home. My two hipbones pierced the water and brought with them the smooth, white mound between them, a dune in a mysterious white desert made of water. I watched the water pool in my navel, lap over the rounded swell of my breasts and glide over me I had been born in this forest pool.
What would my life be like, if I started fresh, right now? Who would I be if I wasn’t someone’s fiancé, wasn’t the boring old Ellie I had been trapped in for all these years, but somebody different, somebody as exciting and strange as the dark forest closing in all around me?
My hands then slipped between my legs and stroked delicately over the insistent ache that had developed there. My whole body felt like it was prickling awake, every inch of my skin almost as sensitive as that sweet little spot my fingers were now circling.
I stroked slowly, delivering the smallest, most delicious electric thrills all through me, so that I could see the water ripple out around me as my breath quickened and deepened. I shut my eyes and sunk into the dark wateriness behind my eyelids as well. I teased and rolled my fingertips faster, till I could feel my own slickness in the water, my body hot and swollen. I brought that aching, glowing spot to as much torment as I could stand, then froze and hovered, suspending myself above an orgasm that promised to be deep and intense. I forced myself to breathe one long, shuddering breath in and then out. Nearly weightless, there was nothing but perfect, frictionless pleasure threatening to submerge me completely.
I eased a single finger inside and paused there, enjoying the secret, slow play of cool and warm water that had me quivering for release. I told myself: this is it Ellie. When this orgasm hit me, I would surrender completely and let it kill me. On the other side of that juicy death would be something new. Life would be the same, but I would something else. Reborn out of this dark puddle in the forest, resurrected and anointed with nothing but the silky thick wetness streaming onto my fingers.
I came silently. The orgasm was like a deep kick inside, pounding through me so hard I gasped and staggered back to my feet, my knees trembling unseen in the dark water beneath me. I stood there silently letting it rip through me; the easy, smooth waves of pleasure felt so right. In time, the wavelets in the pool calmed down too.
By the time I finally slunk out of the water and wrung out my hair, the sky visible through the trees was getting darker. My dress was still wet, but it was a welcome sensation to have the damp fabric against my skin as I wriggled it back on. I was probably not much cleaner, but I felt amazing all the same. Fresh in spirit if not entirely in body.
I slipped my sandals back on, took a deep breath and headed back to our base camp. When I finally found my way back, I was pleased to see a great, roaring fire on the beach sand next to our little house. It almost looked like a party. Carl saw my smile as I came through the clearing of trees and walt
zed up to me.
“Impressive, huh? The wood finally dried up so now things are looking a little homier around here,” he said and extended his hand to me.
Though I could walk much better now by myself, I still welcomed his help. Why not? I was the new Ellie now. Who knows what my new personality would end up becoming. We hobbled towards the fire, and I noticed how the pink and blue of the sunset had deepened now. The sun would set any minute now.
“Is Anthony back yet?” I asked, fully expecting him to tell me that it was Anthony who built the fire, and that he was just around the corner as we spoke.
“Uh…”
I looked at him and the little frown on his forehead.
“He’ll come back soon, I’m sure,” he said, in that way people say things when they’re not sure at all. I nodded and walked with him over to some logs that had been placed in a ring around the fire.
I could see Livvy a little way off, sitting cross-legged close to the water’s edge, doing what looked like meditation. Fine. I chose a log and threw myself down onto it, relishing how good it felt to have the fire’s warmth on the front of me while the cool memory of my little moment in the forest pool was still at my back.
“We have plenty of dry wood, which is great, and there’s not a cloud in the sky tonight so nothing to put it out. We’re all gonna sleep like the dead,” he said with a smile.
I hadn’t spoken much to Carl at all, but he seemed sweet enough. He wasn’t the best looking man you’ve ever seen but his face was open and thoughtful and he seemed friendly enough. Maybe, new Ellie could be super compassionate and kindhearted. Maybe I’d become a grizzled hippie and meditate on the beach as well. Why not?
“Hopefully not too much like the dead,” I said.
He laughed.
“Yeah, you’re right, that was a poor choice of words. But we’re OK. We’re going to be OK.”
I flopped my mangled foot out in front of me and stared down at it, unable to summon much affection for the bacon-colored rash threatening to take over my whole leg.
