‘I don’t know what to say...’ Ben began. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘There’s nothing to say.’
Thea stood up abruptly. Her humiliation was almost complete and she’d brought it all on herself. She’d laid her heart out there for him and he still wasn’t able to tell her he’d really wanted her.
‘I’ve got my answer. Thank you for being honest with me.’
‘Thea, listen...’
She held up her hand to stop him.
‘Please, Ben, don’t say anything. You’ve answered my questions. It’s not your fault if I don’t like what I heard.’
Quickly she turned and jogged away, before the tears which were pooling in her eyes could begin to fall.
CHAPTER SIX
BEN SAT BOLT-UPRIGHT. The blood was gushing in his ears, his heart was hammering out of his chest, his body was drenched in sweat. Nightmares. Again.
He forced his head to focus on the clock. Two-thirty a.m.
Pushing himself out of bed, he tried to escape his unwanted thoughts. But not even standing under the hot, powerful jets of the shower, almost too exhausted to raise his arms, could wash away the doubts which had long since lurked in his subconscious but were now beginning to break the surface.
The events of yesterday had played through his head all night—events from the moment Thea had left him at the park.
He felt mentally and physically exhausted, and he knew it wasn’t just from pushing his body too hard yesterday. Although he had. He’d pushed himself too hard from the moment he’d got out from under the hospital’s watchful eye—he knew that. Thea had been right about him pushing past his limits. The pain was almost constant now, rather than easing off bit by bit, day by day, as it should be.
But he almost welcomed it.
It meant that he was still alive when so many others were dead—his men, his friends, Dan.
He must never slack off—never let the injuries defeat him. He felt ashamed that only a few months ago, when he’d first woken in that hospital, paralysed and groggy, he’d closed his eyes and prayed that when he went back to sleep he wouldn’t wake up again.
He was so very grateful he had woken again. And now he owed it to the memory of every soldier who had died out there never to let himself fall that far again. He needed to get his body back to full health, pass his Army Medical Board and get back to whichever war zone they wanted to send him to, save as many lives as he could.
He also needed to get out of this house, before he did something he regretted. Like giving in to temptation with Thea the way he had on their wedding night.
And right now that was proving harder than ever.
Her revelations yesterday had been a bombshell. He still couldn’t quite get his head around it. He’d spent five years believing that he’d betrayed Thea, taken advantage of her in her grief, and he had hated himself for it. He’d left the following morning because he had genuinely believed Thea had wanted him to. His shame had been the only thing which had stopped him from making contact in all these years. He had believed she must abhor him even more than he loathed himself. Instead Thea was now telling him that he hadn’t taken advantage of her vulnerability at all—that she had actively wanted him on their wedding night. As much as he had wanted her.
And that raised a whole other problem.
Thea’s frankness yesterday had caught him off guard. She had his emotions starting to spiral out of control, and for someone who had always been taught to put his feelings in a box and shut them neatly away it was all a completely alien experience.
Slamming the shower off, hearing the clunk-clunk of water hammering through the pipes, he hoped it wasn’t reverberating around the silent house and waking Thea. Still, the noise aptly mirrored his sour mood. He half-heartedly patted his body down with a towel and then shuffled across to his bedroom to flop, exhausted, back into bed.
He didn’t expect to sleep, but the psychological impact of Thea’s revelation was taking its toll on his still healing body. As soon as his head had hit the pillow sleep engulfed him, and he slept for four hours straight.
By the time he awoke the blinding pain of yesterday had receded to a dull ache and he felt somewhat revived, a little less tense. He listened carefully. They were going to have to build some bridges, but right now he could do without bumping into Thea. Reassured that the house was silent, Ben climbed out of bed and crept quietly out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen.
‘For crying out loud!’
As Ben stepped through the door he ducked just in time to miss a high-flying empty juice carton which a clearly exasperated Thea had just over-armed towards the swing bin. It hit the sweet spot and tumbled in.
Time to start bridge-building after all.
‘Nice shot.’
It might have been weak but it was a start, although her grunt of response wasn’t encouraging. Neither was the fact that she’d flushed bright red and was refusing to meet his eye, sitting straighter, more rigid on her stool. No doubt she was feeling raw and embarrassed after their last conversation. And that was his fault too.
He cast around for something else to say and noticed the glass sitting forlornly on the countertop, next to where Thea was. There was barely a trickle in the bottom, but the same carton had been over half full when he’d taken it from the fridge last night. Hence the flying missile, he realised.
‘Sorry about the juice,’ he apologised. ‘I meant to go out early this morning and pick another one up, but...’
She shot a sharp look his way and he realised she thought he was having a dig at her. His gut twisted. He’d had no idea he’d hurt her so badly; it certainly hadn’t been his intention, and making amends was going to prove harder than anticipated if she was still smarting from their confrontation yesterday.
Now was his chance to say something. But the words wouldn’t come. Instead he told himself that Thea had finally got a long-held resentment off her chest and he couldn’t blame her for any of it. Raking it all up again in the cold light of today wouldn’t help anybody.
Thea might not realise it, but she had changed so much in the last five years from the young woman he remembered. She was successful, settled and happy, and just because she’d taken the opportunity to vent it didn’t mean she wanted to be dragged into his emotional baggage. What was it she’d said? There’s nothing more to say.
Caught up in his musings, he almost jumped when the toaster popped up a teacake. He gave a wry smile. He’d forgotten how much she loved them. Dan had once told him that teacakes were the reason she’d dragged him to endless teashops—one of the many things he’d affectionately recounted about his kid sister.
What was he doing, reminiscing? There was no place in this scenario for such sentimental nonsense. Thea needed something more tangible from him. A matter of a few weeks ago she’d asked for a semblance of friendship—well, now was his chance to try it.
He glanced at her. She was ignoring the teacake, still rigid on her stool. Reaching over, he took the teacake and placed it on the plate she’d set by the toaster, then slid it over to her with a smile.
‘An olive branch?’
‘Thanks,’ she muttered. ‘Um...could you please pass me the butter as well?’
‘Sure.’ Surprised, he obliged.
Thea slipped off her stool and appeared to shuffle to the cutlery drawer, careful to keep the counter in between them. It was only when he leaned over to slide the butter tray across the island that he understood her discomfort.
Just beyond the countertop he caught a glimpse of the curve of her pert backside, peeking out from beneath a short, cheeky dressing gown. Unexpectedly desire fired through him. He wondered what would happen if he rounded the island and took her in his arms. Claimed her mouth with his, reminding her of what she’d once wanted with him. What they had bo
th once wanted.
‘Ben?’
He snatched his gaze up to see her staring at him, her eyes wide, a horrified expression on her face as she tugged desperately at the dressing gown, dropping the knife in the process. It hit the floor with a loud clatter.
What was wrong with him?
Disgust flooded through him and he turned away, angry with himself for letting his lust take over when he was supposed to be focussed on making amends to Thea. He still wanted her, after all this time, but he had no right to.
Her flushed face turned an even deeper shade of scarlet and then she was scurrying around the island, head down and mumbling something. Hell. That was his fault. Again. He’d made her feel uncomfortable in her own home.
He stepped into her path to block her exit. ‘Thea, I’m sorry. That shouldn’t have happened.’
‘I thought you were asleep when I came down...’
She paused for a moment, shaking her head, biting her lip. Then she stepped forward placing her hands flat on his chest as if to gently move him out of her way. Reaction fizzed through him, and by the way her head jerked up and she looked him in the face Thea felt it too.
They stood motionless for several moments, unable to break whatever spell momentarily bound them. Then he moved his hands to cover hers and took a step closer. She didn’t back away. He could feel her breath, soft and warm on the back of his hand. He wondered if she could feel his heartbeat accelerating beneath her touch. It was practically hammering its way right out of his chest, and the desire to kiss her was overwhelming.
Ben dipped his head, then paused.
He wasn’t sure who pulled away first, but in an instant they were stumbling awkwardly away from each other, snatching their hands back as if they’d been burned and muttering incoherently.
And then she was gone and Ben stood alone, fumbling to regroup. He glanced around the kitchen, wondering what had just happened between them.
* * *
‘You’re early,’ Jack noted as soon as Thea walked onto the base for her shift. ‘Your shift doesn’t start for an hour. What’s up? Trouble in paradise?’
‘What?’ Thea looked at him sharply.
‘Difficult to get used to being around each other again?’ Jack shrugged. ‘When a soldier comes back to civilian life after a long time away at war? The readjustment period, isn’t it?’
‘Oh. Right. Yes.’ Thea forced herself to smile.
If only it was that. She had no idea what had happened between them this morning. Except that she’d let her emotions—her desire for Ben Abrams—get to her again. She knew better than that—at least her head did. So why couldn’t her heart toe the line as well? There could be no future for them—especially after she’d laid everything out to him, spilled her heart, and all he’d been able to say was an unsatisfactory sorry.
She wondered if deep down she’d been holding out for some declaration of love—if only to restore some of her bruised sense of pride. She didn’t want a romantic relationship with Ben—they had too much painful history and logically she knew it would never work out between them. But clearly he’d never once regretted his decision to leave, never once thought about her or wondered what might have been. And that hurt more than she would have thought possible after all this time.
She ought to be resolved to it. But she’d woken up this morning wondering if maybe they could salvage something out of this mess, if she could set aside her wounded pride. The beginnings of a tentative friendship, perhaps?
Instead she’d made another spectacle of herself.
Even now her cheeks burned when she thought of what she’d been wearing when he’d walked in. She’d thought he would sleep longer. Through the wall she’d heard his bad night, so she hadn’t expected him to come down to the kitchen until she’d left, but he hadn’t known that.
She could recall the look of pure disgust on his face with humiliating clarity. He was going to think she was throwing herself at him all over again—especially after wearing her heart on her sleeve yesterday. And then, as if hell-bent on making matters worse, she’d hung on to him like a limpet when he’d been politely trying to lift her hands from his chest, unable to shake off the deep, longing desire which had flooded her body as soon as the two of them had come into contact.
‘Thea? Did you hear what I said?’
‘Hmm? Oh, sorry...’ She cast Jack an apologetic look.
‘I thought not.’ He sighed, then warned her, ‘I was telling you to watch out—Sir James has been after you.’
‘Sir James? What does he want?’ She could do without any added stress today. The man never called in without a reason, and it wasn’t usually good.
‘Not here—on the phone,’ Jack reassured her. ‘You probably need to call him sooner rather than later. The office should be free.’
‘You’re probably right.’ Thea pulled a face as she trudged to the door. ‘The last thing anyone wants is to be caught in Sir James’s sights if he comes down here to reprimand me in person.’
* * *
‘Thea?’ Are you okay? You look white as a sheet.’
Thea was startled when Nic walked into the office. How long had she sat staring at the phone after her call to Sir James had ended? She stared bleakly up into Nic’s concerned face.
‘What’s wrong, Thea?’
‘That was Sir James.’ Her voice sounded hollow. ‘About Ben.’ She stopped, shooting Nic an apologetic look. ‘I’m sorry. You’re probably the last person who wants to hear about Ben.’
‘You mean the husband I never knew you had?’ Nic answered wryly. ‘And the fact that I dated his wife—presumably you were married when we dated?’
‘God, I’m so sorry. I should have told you. I just never... I shouldn’t have...’
‘Thea.’ Nic pulled her hands gently away from her face. ‘It’s okay.’
‘Is it? How can you be fine about it?’ Thea asked incredulously. ‘I mean, I’m grateful that you are, but I feel like I lied to you.’
‘No, you didn’t.’ Nic pulled a wry face. ‘Don’t you remember turning me down twice before finally giving in to my charms? And even then you warned me that it was just a taster date between friends.’
‘I remember.’ Thea blinked. How had she forgotten that before?
‘I always suspected that there was someone else—or at least that there had been someone.’
Thea was silent. She couldn’t tell Nic that it hadn’t been because she’d still been in love with Ben, more that the wounds had still been too close to the surface. Especially the miscarriage.
‘So...’ Nic gently broke into her thoughts. ‘What did Sir James say to upset you?’
‘They want Ben to work here.’
‘Ah.’
‘You don’t sound surprised.’
‘Honestly? I’m not. You know how tight-knit our medical community is. I’d heard about Major Ben Abrams even before you rolled up here and shocked us all with the revelation that he’s your husband. He’s one of the most pioneering trauma surgeons in today’s war zones. Some of his techniques have already filtered down to the likes of you and I. Plus...’ Nic grinned again. ‘He’s the hero who miraculously survived two IEDs and is back up and walking in almost half the time of any most other patients.’
‘Jogging, actually.’ Thea arched her eyebrows at him, still trying to calm her racing thoughts.
‘You’re kidding?’ He stared at her, as if waiting for the punchline. ‘You’re not kidding. The man must be a machine.’
The man has demons, she thought. Ben pushed himself and pushed himself, and even now she didn’t fully understand his reckless drive. If he didn’t confront his fears soon then he was likely going to self-destruct.
And if he was here, working with her every day, wasn’t there a chance she would let herself
be dragged down with him?
She dropped her head into her hands. How was she supposed to work alongside the man?
‘Okay,’ Nic continued eventually, ‘tell me what Sir James said.’
Thea drew in a deep, steadying breath, trying to still her spinning head.
‘He said what you’ve just said—about Ben being a cutting-edge trauma surgeon, skilled in field techniques which will really benefit us on Civvy Street. He reminded me that the Air Ambulance is a charity, and that someone like Ben could really help to raise our profile and secure us extra funding. And he informed me that there are many other interested parties trying to court Ben in the event that he doesn’t return to active duty.’
‘So far, so Sir James,’ Nic muttered. ‘But surely the idea of Ben not returning to active duty appeals to you?’
Thea snorted. ‘Ben would never give up an opportunity to return to full Army life.’
‘He might. For you.’
She opened and closed her mouth a few times.
‘That’s lunacy. And anyway... I’d never ask him to do that.’
‘I didn’t say you would. So, let me guess. Sir James threatened your place here if you don’t talk to Ben.’
‘Not in so many words. But he implied that he would have to think twice about someone who didn’t have the best interests of the charity at the forefront of her mind,’ Thea agreed.
‘Why doesn’t that surprise me? Okay. Forget Sir James and his threats—look at it another way. If it was anyone other than Ben, would you be in favour of it?’
‘I... Well...’ Thea blinked at him, for the first time really stopping to think.
‘For what it’s worth...’ Nic spoke again ‘...I have to admit I wouldn’t mind learning from a trauma guy of Ben’s calibre. Imagine the potential to save lives we might otherwise lose.’
‘That’s what Sir James said. “Imagine if the Major’s knowledge could help you save just one additional life you might otherwise have lost.”’
‘The old guy’s devious, but he has a point,’ Nic conceded. ‘Even one precious life.’
The Army Doc's Secret Wife Page 9
