The Army Doc's Secret Wife

by Charlotte Hawkes

  ‘Your PTSD is triggered at night, when the house is silent, right? What triggered it at that crash site yesterday?

  He assessed her thoughtfully.

  ‘I think seeing everything from the air definitely reminded me of my own accident. But instead of making me freeze it cut out my fears and drove me to act on autopilot, without really knowing what I was doing.’

  ‘But you ran into an evacuated zone; you could have been blown up,’ Thea objected, still concerned.

  ‘I know that. I knew it then. But when my patient told me her baby was still in there... I couldn’t not.’ How could he explain it any other way? ‘Standing back just isn’t me.’

  ‘And if that car had blown up and you’d be in there you’d have both died.’

  The shake in her voice touched his heart. Without thinking he pulled her into his arms and held her close.

  ‘And if it had blown up and I hadn’t even tried how could I have lived with myself?’

  ‘At least you’d have been alive,’ Thea muttered against his chest.

  But he could tell by her tone that she was glad he’d saved the baby. Glad he was the kind of soldier who was willing to make that sacrifice if it was the right thing to do.

  He pulled her in even tighter for a moment, breathing in the crisp, clean scent of her shampoo which he recognised so well from the shower room. Everything about Thea was like a breath of fresh air. And now she was opening up more to him, just because he had been honest with her. At least partly. He wasn’t sure how to be completely honest without letting her down, but for the first time in five years he wanted to change, to find a way to be in her life.

  Ben frowned as darker thoughts crept into his head. His memories of that IED hadn’t been as controlled as he’d led Thea to believe. The motorway crash site had triggered other memories of his accident. Memories which had crowded his brain, gripped his chest, almost making him incapable of breathing. Even now the images were sneaking back in. He wasn’t ready to face them yet, and before they could take root he hastily shut them down.

  But he couldn’t afford to do that because that meant shutting Thea out too, and hadn’t he just decided he wanted to change—for her? Which meant he needed to talk to her, to tell her. Yet he didn’t know how. He only knew he’d felt utter fear and panic when Thea had been standing so close to that car when it exploded.

  ‘I couldn’t cope with anything ever happening to you.’

  It wasn’t until he caught sight of her face, flushed with pleasure as she stared up at him, that he realised he had uttered the thought aloud.

  ‘Really?’

  It made him feel good that his words affected her so positively.

  ‘Not like you to be lost for words,’ he teased, raising his hand to push a few stray tendrils of hair from her face. ‘Anything else you want to know?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘Anything you want to tell me, then?’

  She shook her head again, her eyes flickering to his mouth and back up to his eyes. As if she was waiting for him to kiss her. As if she wanted him to kiss her.

  His gut kicked harder than a fifty-calibre machine gun recoil. Only it felt much more pleasant.

  ‘Nothing at all?’ He tried to tease her as he fought to slow his accelerating pulse.

  ‘Okay...well, for the record, you cook really, really well.’ She laughed softly. ‘I never knew that before.’

  ‘There’s a lot we don’t know about each other,’ he reminded her gently. ‘But I’d like to change that.’

  Her eyes widened for a moment. ‘I’d like that too.’

  ‘Good.’

  Before she could say anything else he cupped her cheek, dipping his head down and brushing her lips gently with his.

  Her response was tentative, and then she was sliding her hands around his back, but not holding too tight.

  He cautioned himself about pushing her too fast. He took his time pulling her closer to him, all the while exploring her mouth delicately. Afraid of startling her.

  But a few moments later Thea seemed to have her own ideas. Her hands were sliding up his spine with confidence, holding tighter as she pulled herself in closer and pushed her body up against his.

  He deepened the kiss, feeling lust jolt through him as she met his tongue boldly with hers. The kiss became unhurried, and boundless, and sensual. It reached deep inside him, making him for one long moment forget everything else. Around them, all the bustle and revelry faded away.

  It was several long moments before they surfaced, but he couldn’t drag his eyes from her face.

  ‘So, where do we go from here?’

  ‘How about straight home?’ she couldn’t help suggesting, her cheeks flushing slightly at her own audaciousness.

  * * *

  The whole way home Thea could barely believe her boldness. But it had been as though Ben was deliberately holding himself back, trying to be gentle with her, and she didn’t want that at all.

  She’d only slept with three other men besides Ben. One before him, which had been her fumbling, cringeworthy first time—and second time. Then two after Ben. But whether it had been because of Ben, or the miscarriage, those relationships hadn’t stood a chance, and although the sex had been fine it hadn’t been all fireworks and crashing waves.

  She’d been beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with her. But just that kiss with Ben had set her body on fire, from her toes up, and now she felt more daring than she’d ever wanted to be before.

  The taxi ride was like a lesson in pure torment, as Ben drew lazy circles on her arm and her back, occasionally dropping gentle kisses on her lips, but not letting them get too close for fear of losing control and giving the driver an X-rated show.

  By the time she tumbled out of the taxi she was shaking with lust and pent-up tension. It was only as she was walking up to the door that she felt a momentary pang of nerves, but then Ben slid his hand to the small of her back and guided her into the house, closing the door behind them. He pulled her against him, one hand sliding into her hair to tilt her head up to his, his lips claiming hers with all the confidence and expertise she expected from him. Her nerves forgotten, Thea gave herself up to him.

  She felt his reaction hard against her thigh, and a bubble of impatience popped inside her stomach as she reached down to fumble with his belt. She’d never felt this impatient with anyone before, but right now all she wanted was to take him in her hand, feel that velvety smoothness against her palm.

  ‘You’re sure?’

  Ben broke off for a moment to pull back, and Thea felt the beginnings of a confidence she’d never had before.

  ‘Will you just shut up and kiss me?’ she muttered, slightly abashed, reaching for his jeans and undoing the buttons until he sprang out, revelling in his low moan of appreciation when she slid her fingers around him.

  Following her pace, Ben divested her of her tee shirt and bra in a couple of smooth movements, before snaking one arm around her waist, the other hand expertly caressing her breast. Then, arching her back slightly, he bent his head to bestow a trail of hot kisses down the line of her neck to one hard nipple, before taking it in his mouth and sucking deeply until she gasped aloud. His tongue slipped in and out, deftly flicking over the bud before taking it into his mouth once again. Then he turned his attention to the other breast, and she could feel him flexing in her palm as she threw her head back to push her nipple further into his mouth.

  ‘Let’s take this next door,’ Ben murmured, shifting out of her hand and lifting her up, wrapping her legs around him so he could carry her.

  ‘Not upstairs?’ Thea felt uncertainty creeping back.

  ‘Too far.’ He shook his head in mock contrition and she felt any doubts dissipate.

  Lowering them both swiftly down onto the rug
, he slid her jeans off, hooked a finger under her lace panties before running it between her legs. She moaned, sounding out his name, and he repeated the action, this time dipping his finger in, making her squirm with pleasure.

  He didn’t even have his tee shirt off and hazily Thea reached for it, wanting him as naked as she was. Wanting to feel his skin slide across hers. But he’d already ducked away, his mouth moving down from her straining nipple to her stomach.

  ‘I want to taste you,’ he murmured, his tongue leaving a gentle whorl on her belly button, his kisses weaving lower and lower down her abdomen.

  Filled with lust, her bottom shifting against his touch, Thea didn’t even realise he’d slipped her panties off until his tongue chased up the inside of one thigh, gliding over her and flicking through her wetness, making her pelvis jolt in response.

  ‘Ben...’ Thea gasped. ‘What about you?’

  ‘Relax,’ Ben murmured against the sensitive skin, making her throb and swell with need. ‘Right now this is about you.’

  Something jarred slightly in the recesses of her head, but before she had time to think Ben was cupping her backside with his hands, pushing his tongue inside her, drawing back only to suck before sliding in again.

  She grasped the rug for traction. It had never been like this for her before, and her head was swimming with building need.

  ‘Thea, you’re perfect. So hot, so wet...’ he murmured. ‘So close...’

  ‘Don’t stop,’ begged Thea, arching up to him, loving it that he so obligingly returned to the task in hand.

  He pushed his tongue in deeper, then moved back to suck a little harder, and instinctively she tilted her hips up to encourage him. Her hands moved to touch his shoulders, frustrated by the feel of fabric instead of bare skin, and she slid her fingers into his hair instead.

  His tongue moved faster, making her catch her breath, wanting more, then demanding more. She instinctively opened her legs a little wider and he groaned, the sound vibrating against her body. It was her undoing.

  The orgasm started slowly, with her fingers and toes tingling first, then quickly picked up pace as it spread through her veins like fire and tore through her, making her cry out as her body was caught up in waves of bliss. But Ben wasn’t stopping. He held her writhing hips in place, his tongue never leaving her as he kept up his relentless pace, and Thea gave herself up to a return wave which ripped through her abdomen and made her body tremble. Even as she came down the aftershocks kept pulsing through her, leaving her fighting to breathe and unable to speak.

  She’d wanted fireworks—he’d given her a New Year’s Eve grandstand. How was she ever to repay the debt?

  It was going to take her a few minutes longer to regain her breath, and she was grateful when Ben came up to lie beside her and pull her into his arms. Her hand crept over him, grazing down his front to where his jeans were still open. She slipped her hand inside.

  His reaction was immediate, and the guttural sound he made turned her on again. Already.

  Thea smiled shyly at him, barely able to believe they’d turned such a corner. Hardly daring to think this might be the start of something else.

  She pushed herself up, swinging one leg over to sit astride him, trying not to let her nervous anticipation show. She should have taken his jeans off first, but there was nothing for it now. She curled her fingers around his tee shirt and lifted.

  Immediately his hands slipped around her wrists, locking them in place, twisting them gently away from his tee shirt. He sat up, Thea still across his lap. She felt a stab of apprehension, her eyes flying to his, wanting him to erase her fears. Instead, he refused to meet her gaze.

  ‘Ben?’

  He shook his head. She didn’t know if he couldn’t, or simply wouldn’t find the words to explain. She just knew that anger was swiftly replacing the sense of contentment and completeness she’d been feeling only moments earlier.

  ‘What the hell, Ben?’

  Her eyes were pricking with tears of shame, and she felt utterly vulnerable and exposed. She fought to hold on to the building rage. Anything was better than crying in front of him.

  ‘It’s not what you think. Just...leave the shirt, Thea.’

  ‘Leave the tee?’ She shook her head, bewildered. And then it dawned. ‘The scars?’

  He raised his hand to cup her cheek but she batted him away, afraid that the gesture would start the crying. Once she started she didn’t think she’d stop.

  ‘We can have sex as long as I don’t see your scars?’ She could barely see through the tears.

  Jackknifing off him, she stood up, grabbing the throw from the couch in a belated attempt at modesty, fervently ignoring the little voice in the back of her head which was trying to remind her that she, too, had her own trust issues. She might be upset with Ben now, but how upset would he be if he found out the secret she’d been keeping?

  Her arms covered her abdomen, as if protecting the memory.

  ‘I can’t do this with you, Ben.’ She bounced her head from side to side. ‘Not any more. Every time I think we’re taking a step forward I let my guard down and you hurt me again.’

  ‘I know, and I’m sorry, Thea.’ Ben stood up, buttoning his jeans and reaching to pull her into his arms.

  How she dodged him, blinded as she was, she didn’t know, but she bolted for the door.

  ‘Please leave, Ben. Not just for tonight. For good. I can’t be hurt any more.’

  ‘Thea, just give me time.’

  She shook her head. They’d messed up exactly the way she’d feared they would, she thought bitterly.

  ‘I’m sorry, Ben. I’ve no more time to give you. Please. Just go.’

  CHAPTER TEN

  BEN WATCHED AS Thea skied down the last section of the run which led off the mountain and down to their private log cabin—practically to their door. His heart thudded as she drew to a stop next to his snowboard, lifted her ski-glasses up and offered him the same wary look she’d been sending his way for the last week.

  And he only had himself to blame.

  He was grateful that he’d managed to convince her to come here with him. Although he regretted the fact that his convincing had mainly taken the form of admitting that he’d arranged this time off with her colleagues weeks ago, as the honeymoon he and Thea had never had, and reminding her that if she still wanted to keep up the ‘happily married’ charade she was going to have to come on this so-called holiday after all.

  Now he could only try to ensure that he used this as an opportunity to prove to Thea how sorry he really was.

  ‘Good run?’ He kept his tone deliberately upbeat.

  ‘Sure.’ Her mouth formed the right shape for a smile, but her eyes didn’t reflect the sentiment. ‘Yours?’

  ‘Yeah. Great.’

  His gut twisted every time he thought of that night back at the house and how much he had inadvertently hurt her. Again. He’d had no idea that he would suddenly feel so self-conscious about his scars or he would never have initiated such intimacy with Thea in the first instance—however much he’d wanted to. He would never have knowingly put her in a position where she would feel made so completely vulnerable by his actions. But that was exactly what he’d managed to do.

  Damn idiot.

  He’d gone over and over events in his head, wondering what had prompted that moment of reservation from him, but there was nothing he could put his finger on. He kept picturing Thea’s face when he’d emerged from that car with the baby. She had been frightened, angry, relieved—he knew that. But he couldn’t shake the sense that there had been something else in her expression...something which didn’t fit, which he simply couldn’t identify.

  He shook his head. Ridiculous. And it was wrong of him to try to offload his guilt and his problems onto Thea. He knew what that moment
at the crash site had been about. He understood the triggers and the way his mind had shut down. He hadn’t seen his surroundings. That burning car might have been an Army Land Rover, the injured passengers his wounded soldiers and the baby an Afghan child, for all he had known at that precise moment.

  Thea had been right in her suspicions, so it was hardly any surprise that her face had been such a patchwork of emotions. He was reading too much into it.

  ‘I thought we might eat out tonight,’ he suggested casually as Thea flicked her boots out of their ski-clips.

  Her wary look cranked up a notch and she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. The casual approach clearly wasn’t working.

  ‘I promised you honesty. I think it’s time we talked.’

  He seemed to be saying that a lot lately. But after decades of stuffing down his emotions perhaps it was only right that he should start to be honest now—with Thea, the person his actions had hurt the most.

  She blinked slowly at him, as though she was trying to work out the depth of his sincerity. Then she inclined her head. ‘I think you’re right.’

  The resort staff had been into their cabin and a fresh basket of fruit sat on the table, a fire roared in the hearth. Thea made her way straight to it, warming her hands and avoiding his gaze.

  ‘Shall we say half an hour?’ he suggested.

  ‘No problem.’ Her voice was clipped, taut, as she ducked her head and made for her suite on the opposite side of the log cabin to his. Briefly he wondered if she, like him, was fighting to still the questions which swirled around his head.

  Now he had finally forced himself to own up to his motivations Ben knew he was never going to be free of his ghosts until he told Thea what had really happened with her brother the day he’d died. She needed to know the truth but he’d never given her that luxury—it had been too hard for him to talk about. But every time he looked at Thea he remembered, and it was this inability to open up—to anyone—which had stopped him from being with Thea.