“Hold,” croaked the Chief, holding up one hand. “Listen—”
“No. I am sick of hearing you talk,” Shiori. “You yammer on and on. You think you’re being so patient, and so reasonable, parading about before the tiger, believing it should pay close attention to you, like your squeaking is of great importance. You only show that you understand nothing. All of you.”
Shiori directed that last bit at the Guardsmen pointing guns at her. “It’s nothing but mouse after mouse—this whole city is full of ‘em. Legions filling up the houses, eating and breeding ‘till they spill out on the streets, swarming all around me. And they’re so stupid. None understand their place. None are smart enough to even understand that they are mice and the tiger is a tiger. Just like you, Chief. And just like all you pathetic City Guard.”
The Chief looked like he wanted to answer, but he could only make vague choking sounds, as Shiori had grown more and more agitated throughout her tirade. But the next time she spoke, her voice was quiet, just barely loud enough to carry over the sound of the steam crane.
“And you know what? I am so very tired of being patient. Because I really hate mice like you, Chief. I hate you more than anything. And I think it’s time you were all reminded just what happens when a tiger gets angry.” And her smile was a psychotic mask, the face of someone so wrapped up in their own world that all else was trivial. The face of someone who just didn’t care about what happened next. It was the face of someone who might do anything.
“Benny the Shark!” Joy called out. “Shouldn’t you check with him first?”
Shiori turned to glare at her, and Joy struggled to keep from wilting under her glare. Joy needed chaos in order to escape, but… not like this! She didn’t want to see a human being get their throat sliced open. There had to be another way.
“I mean, this kind of blow-up really would be a big deal,” she continued, trying to keep her voice steady. “So, um… I was just thinking… maybe before that, you might want to—“
“You. Who were you again?”
“Um I’m a reporter—“
“A reporter-mouse,” said Shiori. “Who thinks it’s more clever than it is. You thought if you got the other mice to fight the tiger for you, then you could run away to your little mouse-hole.”
Joy tried to keep a straight face, but apparently she failed, because Shiori smirked at her reaction.
“What?” she said. “Did you think you were clever? You weren’t. Of course I saw what you were doing. It’s a strategy that’s common as dirt. Mice too weak to fight their own battles try to play the stronger off against each other. I see it all the time.”
Joy should’ve been terrified, but Shiori’s words resonated inside her mind. Everything that had happened so far, combined with little details she’d been half-noticing all day—Shiori knocked them all loose, and they fell together to form a complete picture.
“Yes, that’s it!” she cried. “You’re exactly right.”
“Of course I’m right,” said Shiori. “You think flattery will—”
“No, not about that,” said Joy. “I mean—yes, you were right, but that’s not the main thing. I mean what you said about it being a common strategy. That’s what’s happening, before I even got here. Someone is playing you against each other. The Triads and the City Guard. They couldn’t fight either of you directly, so they’re trying to get you to fight each other.”
Everyone was staring at her now. “What nonsense are you talking?” said Shiori.
“Nonsense, yes, tabloid nonsense. That’s what I thought, too—but look at the evidence. People disappearing. Things going wrong. That’s what Chen said, and where did Chen go? Where is he now? And those crates? Why did they just fall over, all of a sudden? Wouldn’t trained laborers stack them up better than that? That’s when you lost him, isn’t it, Yang?”
Yang just stared at her like she was crazy, and Joy realized she was babbling. Well, whatever. Nothing to do but plow through, though Joy had to raise her voice to be heard over the noise of the crane golem, as the huge railcar-sized container it was toting swung over in their direction.
“And that missing payment, with all those missing people, isn’t that a convenient thing to fight over? Something where both sides suspect the other, and neither can afford to back down? And exactly what in the Abyss actually happened three nights ago? I know there was some kind of riot, but what set it off? I’ve been up and down these docks trying to get a straight answer to that, but nobody will say.”
“And why won’t they say? Because they don’t know, or won’t think anybody will believe it,” Joy had to shout now, because of the crane, combined with something else, a chorus of lowing coming from the container it carried. Must be a livestock shipment, judging by the glimpses of movement she could see from between the slats in the sides of the container. Oh, and the smell.
Joy kept going. “Yeah, everyone would think they were crazy, or delusional, or superstitious, or seeing things, but what if they weren’t, not this time? What if it was true? What if it was really true?”
She had everyone’s attention, though she didn’t know if she was convincing any of them. “Would you get to the point already,” said Shiori. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the only person who’d dare to go up against a corrupt City Guard and the mob at once,” said Joy. “I’m talking about the only person who could, doing it the only way he could: staying hidden from his enemies, never showing his face; striking from the shadows, only to disappear back into the them; picking you off one by one, and letting superstition and fear eat at your morale. Does that sound familiar? Well, it should—if you read the comics page. Because there’s only one man who could do all that, and that’s….”
Joy paused as a shadow fell over her. The huge cattle container was blocking the light of the setting sun as it stopped in a position directly above them, centered on Shiori and the Chief. The mechanical whine of the crane golem changed pitch as the massive crate began to lower, and Joy realized that the golem operator wasn’t going to stop.
“…COWS!” Joy yelled, pointing overhead.
Chapter 35
When Cows Fly
Everybody looked up, following her finger, except for Shiori, who narrowed her eyes in a ‘you-don’t-seriously-expect-me-to fall-for-that-do-you’ glare. She stayed focused on Joy, even as the container continued its descent in fits and starts, even as the golem’s giant claw-fingers began to open, causing the cables that held up the container to slip down toward the massive steel fingertips, and the huge crate to jerk about mid-air. A chorus of distressed moos echoed out over the railyard, and a light shower of… cow detritus rained down on the warring factions. That finally got Shiori’s attention, and she looked up just in time to catch a faceful of the product of a particularly anxious cow. It struck dead-center with a wet, juicy splat.
Most of the Triad and some of the Guard froze in horror at the sight, while those with more presence of mind started waving and yelling at the crane operator, to no avail. Joy noticed one idiot bursting out in hysterical giggles. Oh, wait—that was her. Shiori wiped her eyes clear and fixed Joy with a glare that promised her a slow and horrifying death.
Fortunately, one of the left claw-fingers lost its grip, and the huge container jerked midair again, dangling precariously from the two remaining fingers. Yang cried out and tackled Shiori, while the guardsmen darted in to grab the Chief by the ankles. Everyone scattered for safety as the livestock container descended to a height of about five or six feet above the pavement and the golem claws opened fully, releasing its cargo, which fell to the earth with an earsplitting crack.
The sides burst and the cattle spilled out, fat, shaggy, and disoriented. Joy winced as they hit, expecting total carnage, but all of them seemed to regain their feet immediately, milling about and mooing. Joy turned her gaze up to the crane operator, but the sun was reflecting off the glass. Who was that—this third party who dared step right i
n the middle of a Triad/Guard brawl? Could it be?
“Big Sister, look out!” said Hsiu Mei, seizing Joy by the wrists and hauling, yanking her along and forcing her up a pile of cargo. Joy spared a second for a backward glance, only to see a wall of brown hairy flesh bear down on her. She jumped up enough so Hsiu Mei was able to hoist her the rest of the way, as the massive animal crashed sideways into the cargo pile, where she’d been standing mere moments before.
“Whoa, that was close,” breathed Joy, before realizing what had just happened. “Hey, that cow just tried to kill me. What the hell? Bad Cow! No grass for you!”
“They’re upset,” said Hsiu Mei. “It’s a strange place with strange people and strange noises.”
“Being upset is one thing, but that’s no excuse for attempted murder. Aiyah!” Joy glared at the disgruntled bovine prowling the perimeter of the crate. “You hear that! I hope they grind you into meat buns, you cow asshole!”
The cow snorted and paced around the crate, along with all its brethren, tossing their heads and rolling their eyes, Joy was so frustrated she wanted to scream. This was the perfect time to flee, but they were stuck here with no way out. There was a loud clamor from one side of the railyard, as the guardsmen tried beating on their shields again. The cows didn’t seem to care for that much.
Hsiu Mei winced. “They shouldn’t do that. The cows could stampede.”
“Stampede?” said Joy. “What a great idea! C’mon, Hsiu Mei. We’re taking the mad cow train outta here. Jump on my signal.” Joy waited for the asshole cow to get close enough so they could leap on its back.
Hsiu Mei stared at her. “What? That’s crazy. If we fell—“
“You want those men to catch us? You have a better idea?”
“N-No, but…”
“Great! On my mark. One… two… three… jump!”
They did, and landed square on the huge animal’s back. It bellowed in protest, and bucked a few times, trying to throw them off. Joy pitched forward, lying flat and grabbing handfuls of shaggy hair to stay on. This cow did not have the stampede concept down at all. It needed a lot less vertical motion and way more horizontal motion. Despite her intention to dig her heels into the beast’s flanks, she was getting way less purchase with that than she’d hoped. Every time it bucked, it was liked being gut punched by a fist that was bigger than she was. And Hsiu Mei was clinging to the back of her jacket and inadvertently collar-choking her.
Joy tried to turn her head to say something to her, just in time to see Hsiu Mei twist her grip enough to put both pinkies in her mouth and make the loudest whistle Joy had ever heard.
And then the herd was off. The whole mass of them moved as one, crashing forward like a tidal wave, completely unstoppable. Men shouted curses, ran for safety, and Joy heard gunshots ring out. That only made the herd run faster. Out of the rail yard and onto the main thoroughfare of the docks, a hundred hooves beat at the concrete as the shaggy cows made a concerted break for freedom. Joy held on for dear life. Though having a cow run was an improvement over the bucking, it still wasn’t comfortable by any means. Now she knew why people generally rode horses. The cow’s back was angular and uncomfortable, and the forward-and-back rocking motion hadn’t gone away. But it was easier to deal with, and she was able to raise her head enough to get a sense of her surroundings.
The stampede was charging full-tilt into the Wharfside Arcade, the nice touristy section of the harbor district. Just in time for one of the luxury ferries to be dropping off distinguished visitors to the fair city of Dodona. They got a welcome they wouldn’t soon forget, as a hundred tons of angry livestock bore down on them like a tsunami. Men screamed, women shrieked. All around her, Joy saw wealthy dandies wearing suits that probably cost more than her entire apartment building scramble up light poles or decorative trees to get away, while elegantly jeweled and coifed women scrambled for cover anywhere they could get it, some of them forced to dive under stone benches or even to leap into the harbor.
It could easily have been worse; so far everyone seemed able to get clear of the deadly hooves, and all the shrieking seemed to divert the cows’ path just a bit, but not before the cows tore through the outside seating areas for La Belle Terrasse, a five-star restaurant with reservations on a year-long waiting list, just to sample their custom-raised beef. The cattle wreaked terrible vengeance for their departed and tasty, tasty brethren, overturning tables, sending expensive sterling silver utensils and exquisite crystal wine glasses flying, trampling the pristine tablecloths, and smashing the chairs to splinters.
From the porches and store fronts of all the elite boutiques, people stopped and stared in astonishment as a full-blown cattle stampede tore through the Wharfside Arcade, where that sort of behavior was generally frowned upon. Joy really hoped no-one she knew recognized her. She’d never live that down.
But that wasn’t the worst problem. She was getting tired. Maintaining her grip on her cow was getting harder and harder, but falling was not an option. Falling meant going under the herd and getting mashed to a pulp by a barrage of iron-sharp hooves. That image stuck in her mind and gave her a surge of energy, letting her hold on for longer, but the constant bouncing worked to dislodge her grip, bit by bit. She felt herself sliding to one side, with no respite to let her re-adjust, Hsiu Mei trying to pull her back upright, but beginning to succumb to the same problem herself, and they both kept slipping… and slipping….
There was a mighty crash as the cows tore through a sweetmeat vendor’s kiosk, and their cow swerved to avoid it, charging down a dark side-alley, separated from the herd.
This was their chance. “Jump!” said Joy, and while what happened next was not much of a jump, they managed to get clear enough to avoid being trampled, and landed in a pile of junk. Which turned out to be someone’s house.
“Oh! I’m so sorry,” she said, staggering to her feet and clearing the detritus off herself, Hsiu Mei, and the poor unfortunate they’d landed on. “I swear that was an accident. Are you okay? You’re not hurt anywhere, are you?”
“Oh nnnooo…” said he, after Joy cleared enough garbage to get a good look at him, and rather wished she hadn’t, finding a man with long, unkempt hair sprouting from his head and face. His jacket had partially disintegrated, though enough remained for Joy to recognize the army surplus fashion. His eyes had an eerie disconnected quality to them, and he clutched a smoke-stained glass pipe between fingers that looked like they hadn’t been washed in a month. Joy realized she was talking to a junkie in the middle of a high. “I’m feeling no pain, man. And muh spell worked. Finally summoned a pixie.”
“Well—good for you, then,” said Joy. “Well, if you excuse us, we’ve got some really terrible people to run from, so—”
“No, no, no, no! Can’t do that,” whined the junkie, and seized her by the wrist. “Can’t fool me—catch a pixie, get wishes. Them’s the rules. Gotta follow rules. Gotta follow them. Rules are rules.”
Oh. When he’d said pixie, he’d actually meant her. She was supposed to be the pixie. Joy decided she was fed up with dealing with everybody else’s nonsense today.
“Ok, fine! You’ve caught me. Now it’s… Wish Time!” She plastered a huge fake smile over her face and threw her arms skyward in a celebratory gesture that also freed her arm. “Ala-Kazoom, Ziggity-Splat, we’ll grant your wish in no time flat!“
The junkie smiled and cackled, “I wish… no, wait. Gotta do this—”
“And when pixies grant wishes, we listen to the truest, most secret wish of your heart,” Joy kept going, “And your heart tells me that its truest wish is to quit smoking your brain out through your lungs, clean yourself up, and get your life back together. Wikkety-Woo, Flurpetty-Flurp, Ding-a-Dong Doodle, and Bin Bong Bam. Wish… Granted!”
As she cast her fake spell, Joy performed a series of magical poses, ending with a kick that knocked the junkie’s glass pipe out of his hand to shatter against the brick wall behind him.
“Ah! Shit!” he s
aid, ducking to the side and shielding his face with his arms.
“Our contract fulfilled, we pixies must be off, back to Pixieland. Zippity-Doo, Jiggity-Jam; you’re motherfucking welcome.”
And without missing a beat, she turned, grabbed Hsiu Mei’s hand, and marched out of the alleyway.
She’d been prepared to run if she needed to, but the only thing that followed them was a resentful murmur.
“Man, pixies are assholes.”
Part VI
Home Base
Chapter 36
Kossar Hospitality
Joy managed to get Hsiu-Mei back to her apartment building without drawing any undue attention, or at least that’s what she thought. It could be hard to tell sometimes. Joy had taken her jacket off and had Hsiu-Mei carry it so it was covering most of her chains, but there was nothing much to be done for the rest of their appearance. Joy had been wearing simple-yet-stylish business attire, but after a day of squeezing into cargo crates, brawling with gangsters, and cattle rustling, she was no longer office ready. She was covered in sawdust, had multiple runs in her stockings, a major rip in her blouse from that damned cargo crate, and the side of her face where Yang had backhanded her felt stiff and swollen. She was sure she looked hideous, and had spent most of the trip home fighting an urge to pull out her compact and check.
She didn’t, though, because there wasn’t any time for that. They had to get Hsiu Mei safe and off the streets before either the Triads or the City Guard caught up to them. They stuck to back alleys and side streets, and when they did cross big public avenues, Joy tried to walk as briskly and confidently as she could, and the fact that she looked like she’d been through a war zone was beside the point, and none of your beeswax to boot, so how could you be so gauche as to even bring that up?
The Legend of the Red Specter (The Adventures of the Red Specter Book 1) Page 25
