Then one evening Dad came home with a scratch card for Mam ‘Might give her a lift,’ he whispered to Eli and I. She wasn’t herself, worn down with tiredness and worry about her baby sister.
The gods were looking down kindly, because Mam suddenly shouted, ‘I won €50!’
We all whooped in pleasure for her.
‘You should book yourself a facial, you love having a pamper day,’ Dad told her.
‘Or get yourself that nice top you mentioned you saw in Carrig Donn,’ I added.
‘Here, Mam, you should do both,’ Eli slid something across the table towards her. ‘Here’s another twenty to add to the fifty. I sold one of my garden benches today.’
All of Eli’s practice was beginning to pay off and his joinery was widely acclaimed as exceptional. Mam looked at us all and smiled through watery eyes. Then it was like Groundhog Day because she stood up and walked over to the dresser and crouched down low, looking through the over-stuffed press.
‘Where is it? I know I left it here somewhere …’ she mumbled and then, ‘Ha! Got you!’
She looked at each of us. We couldn’t take our eyes off her and then she placed the holiday jar back in its rightful place on top of the dresser. She held up her lottery ticket and Eli’s twenty euro, saying, ‘Third time lucky, that’s what you said, Skye.’ She placed them into the slot and I felt excitement shiver down my spine.
This time we will get to paradise. I just know it.
Chapter 11
REA
Derry Lane, Dublin, 2014
‘You took your time,’ Rea grumbled, letting Louis in.
‘I told you I’d be back. Had to get something to eat first.’ He wrinkled his nose and laughed, ‘I see what you mean. There’s a powerful twang off that bin alright.’
The smirk on Louis’ face should have irritated Rea, but it didn’t. The little shit knew that she was at his mercy, but even so, his sheer audacity amused her. He had spunk, get up and go. He wasn’t afraid to hustle and at least he was honest about it. But despite the fact that Louis Flynn was her only contact with the big wide world outside, he was enjoying himself far too much for her liking. So she scowled at him, her mind ticking over ways to bring him back down a few notches.
‘That cheap aftershave of yours sure is nasty, gives a shocking twang alright.’ Rea tried hard to mimic the boy’s smirk and it must have worked because his face fell. Then he gathered himself together and said with an exaggerated wink, ‘I wouldn’t waste the good stuff coming in here to see an aul wan’ like you.’
She snorted in response to cover the laugh that was trying to escape and turned away so he couldn’t see her face.
He carried on channelling his inner Del Boy, ‘I’m a busy man. People to see, things to do. So let’s cut to the chase. I’ve given you my new terms, take it or leave it.’
‘A busy man, you say?’ She looked him up and down once more and sneered, ‘A busy boy, you mean! And what has you so overloaded?’
Rea took out two glasses from the press and poured Fanta orange into them both. Then she grabbed her treat jar and opened the lid, pushing it towards him. He dived in, rooting around till he found his favourite at the bottom – the Twix bars. Rea noted to herself that she’d better add them to her Tesco online shopping list, she’d nearly ran out.
He gulped back the fizz in seconds, then burped loudly, delighted with himself, winking at her. ‘Both.’
‘You’re a pig, Louis Flynn.’
‘Maybe, but I’m a pig who right now is the only one willing to empty your bins. So either you agree to twenty euros a week for that Class A service or I’m out of here.’
‘You only have to bring the bins a few hundred feet down the path, all in all, which takes you less than five minutes each time!’
‘You do it, then, if it’s so easy,’ he replied, sly as a fox. He had Rea over a barrel and he knew it.
‘What would your mother say, if she knew you were trying to quadruple our agreed rates?’
‘She wouldn’t care less. She’s too busy with her latest fella.’
‘A new fella? Sure, she’s only just set the last one packing!’ Rea threw her eyes up to the ceiling.
‘It’s some gobshite who delivers pizzas for Harry’s. They fell for each other over a Hawaiian deep crust.’
Rea had a bad feeling about this. ‘Don’t tell me he has an earring …’
‘Yeah, he does. Size of it, a big round hoopy yoke that girls usually wear. Why?’
‘I know, I’ve never seen anything so ridiculous in my life,’ Rea said. ‘He delivered a pizza here the other night and I told him to go … well, never mind, let’s just say I had words with him.’
‘You can’t leave it like that, Mrs B. What did you say to him?’ Louis was up off his seat, face lit up with excitement.
Buoyed by his enthusiasm, Rea said, ‘I may or may not have given him the finger.’
He roared laughing, delighted with the news. ‘I’d have loved to see that. We were his last call and apparently Mam and him were giving each other the eye last week in Tomangos. So she invites him in. He’s already strutting around like he owns the gaff, bleedin’ tool. And he ruffled my hair, calling me kiddo. Eejit!’
Rea pushed the tin towards Louis, saying, ‘Go on, have another one,’ and he smiled, reaching in for a second bar.
Rea leaned forward and said, ‘Tell you what, ten euro and that’s my final offer, that’s double what you get right now.’ Then she threw in a lie, just to rattle him. ‘That new family who moved into number 65, well, they’ve a lovely young girl, twelve years old and her mam was up here last week saying to me that she would love to help me out.’
He looked at Rea, doubt all over his young, spotty face.
‘Ten euro, take it or leave it. Or I’ll take my business elsewhere.’
‘Fifteen euro, take that or leave that, Rea Brady,’ he threw back at her. He’d some neck on him, she thought. She walked over to her phone and picked it up, making a big deal of scrolling through her contacts for a number.
‘Where is that number again? I’ll just give that lovely woman in number 65 a quick bell and ask her to send her daughter over. I’d say she’d jump at the chance to earn a tenner a week. Hell, the way her mam was talking, she’d probably do it for nothing. Sweet little thing. Well brought up. And, when I think of it, I’d be saving on all the treats too. Because she’d probably not eat me out of house and home every time she called.’
To illustrate the point, Rea picked up the tin and put the lid back on it.
‘Alright, ten euro it is,’ Louis said, the loss of treats tipping the negotiations in Rea’s favour. ‘Only because you gave yer man the finger. Respect for that, Mrs B.’
Rea bowed her head, ‘I do my best.’
‘I want cash up front. No argument,’ Louis said.
‘You’ll get paid on a Saturday morning, at the end of the week, you chancer,’ Rea answered back, then added, ‘No argument.’
He was still laughing when he picked up the two black sacks Rea had tied up ready for him. He hauled them over his shoulder. For a skinny lad, he was strong. ‘I’ll grab the ones out back in a minute,’ he said.
‘You eating enough, Louis?’ Rea asked, worried. His mother wasn’t a bad person, she realised. Just a bit flaky and far too preoccupied with her love life. But, there again, she was a single mum, so who was she to judge? She’d had George to help raise her two.
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Louis replied.
‘And are you doing your homework? You know it’s important you do well in your exams.’
‘Quit your nagging, you’re worse than me ma.’ But he was grinning. The truth was, he loved coming to Rea’s and loved her worrying about him. He didn’t get to see his grandma any more because his ma and her had fallen out.
‘Alright! I’ll shut up, for now. I’ll text you when they’re full again. And this time, I don’t care how busy you are, don’t leave me waiting.’
‘Mam say’s you’
re weird, you know.’ He looked back over his shoulder as he opened the back door.
‘A lot do,’ Rea replied.
‘She doesn’t get why you never go out. You don’t, do you? Go out any more?’
What was there to say in response to that?
‘None of your beeswax. See you in a few days.’ And she slammed the back door shut as she shooed him out.
Explaining why she didn’t go out any more was difficult. She didn’t really understand it herself and, in her experience, when she tried to explain it to family and friends, they understood it less.
The fear, the panic at being outside, well, it sort of crept up on her. She hadn’t been herself for a long time. Not since Elise had left, really. George had thought she was depressed. She went to see her doctor and he told her it was normal. Empty-nest syndrome. Most went through it. Then, of course, came the grief. It took over everything. Then one day, while she was out doing the weekly shopping in Clare Hall, her first big panic attack happened. The shopping mall began to vibrate. One minute she was standing in Tesco trying to decide whether she fancied real butter or low-low, when something shifted. Inside of her. And around her. The lights that lined the cool fridge grew too bright and jarred her eyes. She remembered stepping back from it, dropping the butter onto the floor, a dull thud resounded as it made impact. Her vision then blurred and floaties danced around her eyes, making her head spin. It was like being sea-sick and hungover all at once.
She had to get out of the store. She walked, no, she ran out, leaving her full trolly behind her. She could feel the eyes of passerbys staring at her. Just another mad woman on the loose. She tried not to stumble as she felt the world spin and turn on its axis, shoving her from one side of the shopping centre to the other. Her stomach then cramped up and she searched around her for a bin. And, like a drunk in the street, she threw up into a grey plastic bin, much to the disgust of the rest of the shoppers. She could hear them judging, pointing.
‘She’s off her head!’
‘Disgraceful at this hour.’
‘The shame of it. I’m scarlet for her.’
And then, with those endorsements ringing in her ears, for the first time in her life, Rea passed out.
That was her first panic attack.
And the beginning of the end.
Chapter 12
STELLA
Matt walked into the kitchen and held up Stella’s contraceptive pill sheet in his hand. ‘I think it’s time we threw these in the bin, my darling.’
She watched him in horror as he put his foot on the pedal bin and chucked them inside.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked, appalled and completely thrown by his actions. The subject of children had never been discussed by either of them. He’d made it clear that he didn’t care for them. He often commented on friends’ wives who had succumbed to the dreaded ‘mummy tummy.’
Years ago, Stella had assumed children were part of her distant future. She wanted what her parents had created at home for their family; aspired to give the same to children of her own one day.
But that was a long time ago. Now, she thanked the heavens that children were not part of the madness of life with Matt.
She had to find a way to leave him. But she also knew that if she had children that would never happen. She would be trapped forever. And what if he hit their child too? She felt her body shake in response to that thought.
‘You can’t do that!’ She found her voice, moving towards the bin. ‘It’s a big decision. We need to talk about it. Together.’
He walked towards her and put her face in his hands. ‘Oh my darling, don’t you see? This is the answer to all our problems. A baby will bring us closer together. I was having lunch with Adrian and a couple of the lads today. And all they were banging on about were children. Adrian told me that children had been the making of him.’
‘Just because your boss has kids doesn’t mean that we have to!’ Stella said.
‘Of course it doesn’t. But I see how he is with the other fathers at work. He’s bringing Padriac out to golf on Saturday morning and don’t tell me that’s nothing to do with the fact that they are both bonded over the night feeds! We just need to be careful that you don’t follow in Padriac’s wife’s footsteps. She gained four stone when she had those twins and she’s not lost a pound since.’ He shuddered as he said this. ‘But I’ll keep an eye on your diet. I’m sure we can do this, with minimal damage to your waistline.’
He picked up his iPad and started to Google healthy diets for pregnant women.
The abuse that Matt inflicted on her, mental and physical, that was all on him. But if she allowed a child to come into the equation, that was on her. Pure and simple. Stella knew for a long time that she could not perpetuate the ‘happily-ever-after’ myth. Her staying, on her own, was one thing. Just the thought of a baby made her survival instincts jump up and grab her by her throat.
‘Matt, I can’t just stop taking the pill. I need to go see a doctor first.’ She walked over and retrieved the package from the bin.
‘Why?’
‘Just to be safe. Let me make an appointment to discuss this. Make sure I’m healthy. That my body is ready to have a baby.’
He watched her for a moment. Then shook his head. ‘There’s no need to get doctors involved until you’re pregnant. It might take a few months for it to happen anyhow, but think of the fun we’ll have trying.’
When he touched Stella, when he ran his hand over her breasts and leaned in to kiss her, it took every inch of control not to shudder.
‘We’ll have beautiful babies. Two. A boy, then a girl. One year in between them.’ He said.
‘You have it all worked out.’
‘The perfect family,’ he replied.
And what happens if two girls come along, or two boys, Stella wanted to ask him. What then? Life isn’t perfect. There had been many times in her life that she wished for a do-over. How she wished she’d not fallen for him. A mere 386 days ago. Doesn’t sound like a long time, but it had become endless for her. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
The night she met him, she’d been at her lowest. Weeks of being at home again had unleashed ghosts of her past. She found no peace, no matter how much she tried to block out the memories that haunted her. Everywhere she turned she saw reminders of a happier time and it paralysed her with fear.
So when Matt walked over to her that night, his head cocked to one side, with a big smile on his face, charm personified, he disarmed her. He said, ‘Will you give me ten minutes?’
‘For what?’ Stella was puzzled.
‘To find a way to make you smile. You look so sad. That’s not right.’
She saw compassion and kindness in his eyes. And she needed someone to care about her. She found herself nodding to the chair beside her, and he ordered two drinks for them.
And soon, over that first gin and slimline tonic together, he made her smile, then laugh and eventually her ghosts disappeared for a while.
Ten minutes turned into hours and when he begged her not to leave Dublin the following day, to give him a chance, telling her that life was too precious, that it could be snatched from you at a moment’s notice, she found herself nodding in agreement.
So she stayed, and within weeks they were in love. This charming, sophisticated man, who only wanted to take care of her. Whether it was choosing what she should eat or surprising her with a beautiful new dress, quite unlike anything else she owned in her wardrobe, he just wanted to look after her every need. And at first it felt good. Okay, the dress he bought her was slightly too tight, a size too small. But with a few adjustments to her diet, he told her she’d fit into it, in weeks.
He painted a fairytale life for them, which she now knew was built on lies and half-truths, but sometimes people only see what they want to. Stella allowed herself to believe in the possibility of a happy-ever-after. She blossomed under his loving care.
She winced as Matt touched her side, bringing he
r back to her crushing reality. ‘Oh, my darling, that still hurts you?’
She nodded, tears stinging her eyes.
‘Rest up, my darling. When you are back to your full health, we’ll start trying for that little baby boy.’
That was her lifeline. ‘Matt. I want a baby too. But my body has to be back to full health.’ She lifted her top and let his eyes rest on her bruised abdomen.
He looked away. He hated to see reminders of his temper, physical evidence of a side to his nature that he preferred to pretend didn’t exist.
‘Just give me another month, then we’ll start trying,’ she said.
He nodded, retrieving her contraceptive pill sheet and giving it back to her. ‘You’re right. Of course you are. Everything will be alright. You’ll see.’ He kissed her lightly and then left.
She waited until she heard his car pull out of the drive. She ran upstairs and hid her pill in one of her rolled-up socks, in case he decided to take matters into his own hands again. She had averted trouble for now, but it was also only a temporary solution. There was no way she could bring a child into a world like this. A world of pain and fear and sadness. Stella looked out her bedroom window, out towards the horizon, where the blue sky touched the ocean in the distance.
Was she strong enough to leave him?
Yes. For the sake of her unborn child, yes.
She’d need some help. There was only one person she could think of. Matt had been thorough over the past twelve months, taking care to isolate Stella from everyone in her life. He’d made her doubt her own sanity and her own voice. As a child, she’d been the outspoken one at home and now the only opinion that mattered in their lives was his. How had she let this happen?
No matter what she did, how hard she tried to please him, she would always do something that made him angry. No combination of words or actions on her part could ever placate the monster that lay within him.
The Woman at 72 Derry Lane Page 7
