I shrug. “Okay,” I say. I don’t have my hopes up. I’ve read a lot of things about it on the Internet and none of them have been particularly helpful.
“You know, of course, that you can’t drink again, right?” Dr. Greyson asks at the end of our meeting.
“Yes, of course.” I roll my eyes. “I’ll get kicked out of school for sure. Unfortunately, I think I’m going to fail that class either way.”
“No, you won’t,” Dr. Greyson insists. She seems so certain about it, but I’m not sure. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I will fail. What else can happen if you stand up there without saying a word?
I walk out of her office and back into the cold bleakness outside. This semester was supposed to go differently. It was supposed to be fun and exciting. Tristan and I were supposed to be together. We were supposed to actually take advantage of everything that college and New York City have to offer. So why did it all go so terribly wrong?
I decide to walk through Riverside Park to clear my head. I’ve been dwelling on this for far too long and I know that I’m nowhere close to being done. Juliet will come home tonight wanting to talk about this weekend – wanting to offer her advice over the whole thing without really telling me anything I don’t already know. And then Tea will call, I’m sure. I haven’t talked to her at all since all of this happened except for one or two texts asking her to keep this weekend to herself. And then, of course, there was Tristan. He has texted me a number of times since the weekend, trying to set up a time to talk. He wants to talk about our break. And I don’t want to. I don’t think I can face him. I mean, I don’t think I can face him and keep this weekend to myself. But, at the same time, I also can’t tell him what happened. It will crush him. And us. Our break will definitely become a break up. And then what? Will it mean that we’re really over? That there’s no more Alice and Tristan?
No, that is not how this semester was supposed to go. I walk past a couple kissing on the bench in Riverside Park. They are wrapped up in each other’s kisses. Their hands are intertwined and their legs are pressed closely together. That was supposed to be us. We were supposed to be sitting on that bench and kissing, not caring that it’s nearly 15 degrees outside.
15
I’ve managed to avoid Tristan for a whole week. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn’t. His work schedule has remained pretty much the same since our fight. He works late Monday through Wednesday, and has classes all day Thursday and Friday. A couple of days, he came home way after eleven and left before I was up.
On Thursday, in Victorian Literature, I space out for nearly the whole lecture thinking about him and Kathryn. Why does she have to be so hot? And so nice? I’ve never felt this way before. I never thought of myself as a particularly jealous person, but thinking about him and her working late at night at the office makes my skin crawl. I know we’re not together anymore. And worse yet, I’m married and he doesn’t even know it, but still. I don’t want him to be around her. But there’s nothing I can do about it.
I stay out late this evening. I know he won’t be home and I just don’t feel like sitting around my dorm room all day, staring at the walls. Or reading a million BuzzFeed articles and making extra boards to pin more curious but completely unimportant things on Pinterest.
I stop by the coffee shop that Tea and I frequent often and order a cup of green tea.
“Hey!” I hear a familiar voice.
“Hi Tristan,” I say, turning around and forcing myself to smile. What the hell is he doing here?
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“Just getting some tea, and you?”
“My class got cancelled. So I thought I’d waste some time here,” he says with a shrug. “Oh man, I haven’t seen you in forever!”
Tristan puts his arms around me. His body feels warm and firm, comforting. And for a moment, I’m transported to another time. When we were still together, and in love. When everything in the world was right. And nothing could break us up.
“You smell so nice,” he whispers, giving me a chaste peck on the cheek.
He leans over to kiss my lips, but I turn my head away. I move away from him. My whole body tenses when he puts his arm on the small of my back and doesn’t remove it. Eventually, I just take a step to the side to get myself some space.
“Listen, I’m glad you’re here,” he says.
His face looks serious. Tristan furrows his brows and his eyes look earnest and under control. It’s as if he can stop them from twinkling just by willing them so.
“I can’t stay,” I say.
“Alice, please.” Tristan takes my hand. “I feel like we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. I haven’t seen you much since…that happened. And I really need to talk.”
“No, I really can’t.” I shake my head and turn to leave.
“You don’t have any more classes today, Alice. You’re just avoiding me,” he says. The desperation in his voice makes me sick to my stomach. Against my better judgement, I turn around and sit down across from him.
“Thank you,” he says, picking up my hand and kissing the back of it. As if he’s some sort of servant. As if I’m some sort of princess.
“What do you want to talk about?” I ask. My voice is distant and austere. I’m trying to make it as impersonal as possible. As if that can save me.
“Us,” he says. This time, his eyes twinkle. The light washes over my body as if it’s my conscience, making me feel even more horrible than I already do. I wait for him to continue. I’m afraid that I’m going to start crying if I utter even a word. My throat closes up from the pain, and my mouth runs dry.
“I’m so, so sorry about everything that happened, Alice,” Tristan says. He takes my hands in his and looks me straight in the eye. At first I try to resist, but I can’t avoid his eye contact no matter where I turn. He forces me to lock eyes with him.
“I was a real asshole,” Tristan continues. “I don’t want to excuse any of my behavior, but I was under a lot of stress. I had this intense Macroeconomics problem set due, which I couldn’t do at all. And I was swamped at work. And we had that fight. Oh, it was so stupid.”
I nod and try to look away. When he notices my gaze moving, he takes my chin with his hand and points my head back at him.
“What I’m trying to say, Alice, is that I love you. I’m not confused anymore. I know what I want.”
“And what’s that?” I ask. I can’t believe what he’s saying. It sounds like words. Familiar words. But they don’t make any sense in that order.
“I want to be with you, silly.” He smiles.
“Um,” I start to say. I don’t even know where to begin.
“Please, Alice.” Tristan’s eyes plead with mine. “I love you. And I know I hurt you again, but I want to make it up to you.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“I know you love me too,” he says, kissing my fingertips. “I just know it. I can feel it now.”
Oh, if only it was this simple. Of course I love you, I want to say. But that’s not all that matters. There’s more to it. There’s all this complicated life stuff. All the things that make love so impossible and complex and difficult to handle.
“I love you, too,” I say. I don’t know what else to say. I want to tell him something true. For a second, I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to be a fraud. Every moment we’ve had together has felt like an un-truth ever since we got back from Atlantic City.
“That’s great,” Tristan’s eyes light up. But I shake my head. “What? What’s wrong?” he asks.
Tell him. Tell him now. Tell him that you accidentally married his roommate. He’ll forgive you. If you tell him now. I open my mouth to say it. But nothing comes out.
“I’m not sure that’s enough,” I say.
“Of course it is, Alice,” Tristan says. He moves over to my side of the table. There’s warmth pouring out of him, actual heat, and it wraps me in a warm blanket of love. He puts his arm around my should
er lifting up my head. He presses his lips onto mine. I want to push him away. He doesn’t know what a horrible person I am and how wrong it is for him to love me. But I don’t. I can’t. I want to stay in this moment forever. I don’t know if it will come again.
“Love is all there is, Alice,” Tristan says through the kiss. I can feel a wide smile form on his lips. “Don’t you know that?”
“No, there are other things. Things that complicate love,” I say, pulling away from him. And if you knew what I did, you wouldn’t think that love is all there is, I say to him silently, in my own head.
“No.” He kisses me again, parting my lips with his and running his tongue over mine. “All you need is love. That’s all anyone needs.”
“That sounds nice,” I say with a smile.
“What’s wrong, Alice?” Tristan says. His face grows more serious. Concerned.
“Nothing.” I shrug. Just tell him. Open your mouth and say, so this is what happened that weekend we went to Atlantic City. We got really drunk, and I mean really drunk, and Dylan and I accidentally got married. But it was just an accident. We’re going to get an annulment. Everything’s going to be okay. Let’s just pretend that everything is the way it was. Like this never happened. I mean, all you need is love, right? And you love me and I love you. That’s all you have to say. Just start talking.
“Alice?” Tristan asks again.
“I don’t know Tristan,” I finally manage to say. “Everything is so complicated now. I don’t know if we can just go back to the way things were.”
“But why? I want to. And I can see that you want to, too,” he says with a hopeful look on his beautiful face. I inhale and breathe out slowly. So what if I did? What if I just moved on with this from this moment forward? Wouldn’t that be something? But, of course, I can’t. I wouldn’t. It would be too wrong.
“Okay.” I nod my head. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
“Okay?” Tristan asks. I can see that he can barely believe his ears. “Seriously? You want to get back together?”
“Yes.” I nod. “I love you. Very much. More than anything.”
“Oh my God, Alice.” Tristan wraps himself around me. I can feel him smelling the top of my head as he hugs me. And I feel his body shaking next to mine.
“I love you,” he whispers as he pulls away.
When I look up at him, I see a few tiny tears building up at the bottom of his eyelids. Tristan isn’t much of a crier – I’ve only seen him cry on two occasions, once when his grandmother died and another when his best friend got into an awful car wreck and we didn’t know if he would live or die.
“I’m so, so sorry about everything,” he mumbles.
“Me too,” I whisper. “I’m sorry about everything.”
16
Tristan is sorry about the past. He wishes it would go away. But I’m sorry about the future. I wish that it wouldn’t come. Or least, that the truth wouldn’t come out. Sitting across from him right now, it almost feels possible. Like I can actually get this marriage annulled without him ever finding out about it. Maybe we can just…pretend that this never happened. Maybe we can just start off where we had left off.
“I’m so happy, Alice,” Tristan says, leaning back in his chair. His smile turns into a laugh, which then shakes his whole body. Loose strands of hair fall into his face as he rocks back and forth. He tucks some behind his ears, over and over, but they keep getting untucked.
Our eyes meet and, this time, I don’t let go.
“Me too,” I whisper.
“Let’s get out of here,” he says, taking my hand. I don’t know where we’re going. I let Tristan lead the way. I’m okay with wherever he decides to take me. I just want to be with him.
Tristan leans close to me. We’re in his room. No one else is home. His fingers run along my jawline and bury themselves in my hair. He gets closer. I feel his breath on my lips. But he doesn’t kiss me. I pull forward and try to press my lips onto his, but he stops me. He demands that I wait. He leans down and runs his lips over my neck. His lips are smooth and gentle. Soft.
I bury my hands in his hair. Slowly, I pull his head up to mine. I have to taste him. I want his tongue inside my mouth. When our lips finally meet, shivers run throughout my body. His tongue is strong and rough. Tristan grabs my neck. With each breath, his kisses get more and more passionate. Now, he is kissing me as if he’s trying to prove something. I let him. I kiss him back with the same intensity and power. I want to prove something too. No matter what happens in the future, I want him to remember this moment. This moment in which only we existed. And the whole world could stop spinning upon our command.
Slowly, Tristan removes my sweater and I pull off his t-shirt. He unbuckles his pants and steps out of them. He pushes me down onto his bed and unzips my skinny jeans. He kisses my legs as he rolls them off me. My knees grow weak, as Tristan’s kisses intensify. He runs his fingers over my breasts, toeing the line between pleasure and pain.
As my hands make my way up his naked body, they feel rushed and unstable. Urgent. The muscles in his stomach flex and I feel each distinct muscle of his six-pack. I lean back, enjoying the moment, looking forward to what’s next.
Tristan undoes my bra and tosses it on the floor. He then grabs my hips and tugs at my panties with his teeth. I wiggle my body to help him along, enjoying the ferociousness of the moment.
Slowly, he eases himself inside of me. I feel myself welcoming him inside. My fingers dig into his shoulders and my hips start to move up and down on their own. I’m getting close. I look up at him. Our eyes meet briefly. I can see that he’s getting close, too. A moment later, a warm sensation pulses through my body. My legs get numb and I dig my toes into the bed.
“Oh, Tristan,” I whisper.
“Alice,” he moans, taking one last thrust and collapsing on top of me.
We lay next to each other for a while. Twilight comes and goes and darkness sets in. But neither of us bothers to get out of bed or turn on the light. It’s as if we’re both trying to hold on to this moment for as long as possible.
“Thank you,” Tristan says, propping up his head with his hand. I turn to face him.
“No, thank you,” I say.
Tristan flashes a mischievous smile.
“Well, thank you for this, definitely,” he says, giving me a peck on a cheek. “But what I meant is thank you for forgiving me. I know that it’s not really your specialty. And that I must’ve hurt you a lot with all of my talk about taking a break.”
His words sting a little. I can’t lie. But he’s right. I’m not one to forgive easily. And if I weren’t in the wrong, if I hadn’t just accidentally married our roommate, I’m not so sure we’d be doing this right now.
“I still don’t really understand what happened,” I say. “Back then.”
“To tell you the truth,” Tristan says after a moment of silence, “I’m not so sure either. I think it was all that stress I was under. I just sort of cracked up.”
“I see.” I nod. That’s not much of an explanation, but we’ve been over this a million times. And a million explanations later, I am still not completely clear about what really happened.
“So, how’s work going?” I ask. “Still as crazy as ever?”
“Yes,” Tristan says. “More so even, I think. But I have a little bit of a routine now. So I don’t feel so lost all the time. Like I’m playing catch up.”
“And do you like it?” I ask. “Do you think it’s something you want to do in the future?”
“I don’t know,” Tristan says, looking up at the ceiling. I can tell he’s really thinking about what I had asked.
“I like the internship. I mean, I really think I’m learning a lot,” he finally says. “I definitely want to do something with finance or investment banking in the future, I think. I’m just not sure about this particular job. Like the one that Kathryn has.”
Agh, Kathryn. Why did he have to bring her up?
“So how’s Kathryn? D
id anything happen between you two?” I ask cautiously. I don’t want to seem too jealous or concerned. Just like I’m trying to make normal conversation.
“No.” He shakes his head definitively. “I’m sorry again about before.”
“What? What do you have to be sorry about?” I ask.
“Well, you know, I wasn’t entirely truthful back then. I mean, I knew that she liked me. Of course, I did. She told me. Even before she kissed me at the bar that time. And I told her about you. But…I guess I should’ve been even more clear.”
I nod. I feel very guilty. I need to tell him the truth. I know that. I owe him the truth. But now I’m even more scared than I was before. Now, I’m terrified. Even a few hours ago, he was sort of my ex. And now he’s back to being my boyfriend. I feel like I have the whole world on my shoulders – and it’s getting heavier and heavier by the minute.
“Alice?” Tristan turns to me.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay? You’re sort of spacing out for a bit.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, nodding. “It has been kind of a long day.”
“Okay.” He springs out of bed. “Why don’t you relax for a bit while I try to put a dent into that Macroeconomics problem set. And try being the operative word, of course.”
I smile and nod. I watch him get dressed. He gives me a peck on the cheek and leaves the room.
I am still lying naked in bed and listening to music when I hear Tristan call my name from the living room. It has only been ten minutes since he left, but I suddenly realize that I’m in Tristan’s room and Dylan might be back.
“Alice!” Tristan yells.
“What?” I call back, scrambling to put on my clothes. I manage to throw on my sweater and underwear, but I struggle with the jeans. Why did I have to wear skinny jeans today? Of all days!
“Alice!”
“I’m coming!”
I roll my bra into a little wad and hid it in my bag. Why can’t he just come over here? Why is he yelling like this?
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