by Kimbra Swain
“I think it isn't real.”
“What isn't real?”
“Any feelings we might have for each other,” I said reluctantly. I refused to use the word love with him.
“I assure you. It's real. Why would you think that?”
“The bond might not be natural. Maybe, Lincoln did it on purpose.”
“You don’t know that! Plus, I don't care. We have the bond, and we have us. It’s the same. We will talk more when I get back,” he said.
“If you had your own choice, you would probably wouldn't be here,” I pointed out.
“Why are you doing this when I'm not there? I will be back soon. Calm down, please. Okay?” I knew he was upset with me, again.
“I'm sorry.”
“Abby, stop. Don’t let Ashley get you wound up. We have to work. Focus.”
“Yes.”
“I'll be back soon,” he said, hanging up the phone.
I looked at Ashley. “You are stupid,” she said.
“Thanks. So, glad we are friends,” I said back at her. She walked by me, grabbed her phone, and went back inside. I sat down in one of the chairs, frustrated and upset.
“Can you still hear me?” I reached out to him.
“Yes,” he replied calmly.
“You know I’m crazy, right?”
“I am well aware.”
“Be safe.”
I went back inside and tried to focus. I watched as Tadeas and Tony got closer to the dot that was my Mercedes.
“Ash, may I borrow your phone?”
She didn't say anything, but she handed it to me. The voicemail picked up, “Tavaris, you call me right now. Don't make me come after you.”
When Tadeas and Tony reached the blip that was the Mercedes, it had been left at a shopping center in Stone Mountain. I wasn’t sure what our next move should be, but first thing in the morning we had the funeral, then a visit to the KBS offices in Atlanta. I instructed Ashley of my plans so that she could prepare for us. I went upstairs and put on something more comfortable: yoga pants and a tee shirt. Laying on the bed, I intended to stay awake until Tadeas got back, but I drifted off to sleep.
When we got back to the house, I went into the dining room where Ashley and Ichiro were still tracking leads and reaching out to known members of the crews to track down Tavaris. Abby wasn't there.
“Where is she?” I asked Ashley, who seemed upset.
“Upstairs,” she said.
“What happened?” I asked.
“It started out as innocent girl talk, but she is stubborn and thinks that the soul bond forces you to have feelings for her. I couldn't convince her otherwise. Maybe you can, but I know that I've pushed you both. I'm sorry, but she needs the connection to you. It’s not a premonition. It’s simply that I know my friend and her stubborn heart. I’ll back off, because we have too much to deal with right now,” she sobbed.
I hugged her. “You haven't done anything wrong. I'll go see what I can do.” I finally pulled off the tie and coat I’d been wearing all day. “You both need to take a deep breath and calm down,” I said with a humorous tone.
“I agree,” Ichiro piped up as we fist bumped. I didn't know what state of mind Abigail would be in, but I braced myself for whatever it was.
I quickly found out her state of mind was exhaustion. I changed clothes and laid down on the couch in the room. She wasn’t awake to protest. I pushed my luck earlier kissing her again. Ashley was thrilled, and Abby ended up in the worst-case scenario mindset. Suddenly, exhaustion hit me, and I quickly fell asleep.
I woke up, and immediately felt her presence, but she was in the bathroom. I walked to the door. She was brushing her hair and looked amazing. “Wow, that dress, is, wow!” I said.
“You are repeating yourself,” she smiled back at my reflection in the mirror.
“I am speechless,” I said. She wore black again, but it was covered in lace. It brought out all her feminine features and contrasted with her hair. All I know is it looked incredible on her, but seeing the vibrancy in her voice and a light in her eyes, meant the world to me.
She turned and giggled. “Get dressed. We have to go to the funeral,” she said. “Why did you sleep on the couch?”
“I thought you were mad at me, so I decided I’d sleep over there,” I said, nodding to the couch which was extremely uncomfortable, but I was too exhausted to care.
“I’m used to you being near me, I suppose,” she said quietly.
“I’m sorry about that yesterday. I don’t mean to confuse you or upset you. And yes, I did it to mess with Ashley,” I admitted.
“Just forget it. I‘ll stay confused, and it’s not your fault,” she said, walked into the bedroom and picked up jewelry from the nightstand. She put back on the diamond studs, slipped on an opal ring and draped a long purple amulet around her neck.
“What are you confused about?”
She slumped her shoulders and sighed. “Just when I talked it out with her yesterday, I thought that maybe any attraction between us is due to the bond. That maybe even Lincoln put the bond on us. That maybe if you had the choice, you wouldn’t even be here.” She kept her back to me.
“That’s bullshit, Abby,” I said. “There is no bond someone else could put on us that could do that sort of thing. I’m attracted to you, because you are strong and beautiful. You put yourself out there for me. Your constant protest about us becoming closer, well, that’s bullshit too.”
There was a light tap at the door. “Who is it?” Abby asked.
“It’s Ashley.”
“Not now,” I said.
When Abby turned and looked at me, anger flared her eyes. “I’m glad you think I’m bullshit. I’m not confused anymore. I know where you stand.” She started walking towards the door, and I caught her hand before she could go out.
“No, we aren’t finished talking about it,” I said.
“Let go of my hand,” she said through gritted teeth.
“Don’t run from this, Abigail,” I said.
“It’s not your choice,” she growled.
“Abby, please, I didn’t mean it like that. You aren’t bullshit. You are utterly frustrating, but you know that isn’t what I meant,” I said.
“Get dressed. We will be leaving soon,” she said jerking the door open. She swept through it, and the fire scent of cinnamon hit me in the face as she slammed it behind her.
I got dressed and met up with them all downstairs. Everyone stood around quiet and nervous. She stood by the windows. Turning to look at me, her face was serene once again. She winced when she saw the tie hanging loose around my neck. “You guys go get in the car. We will be out in a minute,” she told Ashley, Ichiro and Tony. She approached me cautiously, but in our same routine, she began to loop my tie. However, she wouldn’t look at my eyes.
“After today, I’ll do it myself. Ashley can teach me to do it,” I said.
“Shut-up,” she said. I noticed her hands shaking as she knotted the tie and pulled it tight to my neck. Putting my hand over her icy fingers, she muttered, “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this.”
“There is nothing to be good at Abby. Either you feel something for me or you don’t. You need to decide and let me know. I want you to be completely honest with me,” I said. She always talked about my compassion. I had very little at the moment, but I needed to have it. She struggled, but without a doubt in my mind, I knew she felt something for me too. I feared pushing her too hard because I didn’t want to trigger her shadow again.
She stood there frozen for a moment, then she wrapped her arms around my neck. “I’m just not there yet, Jag.” I gently pulled her arms from around my neck and looked her in the eye.
“Let’s go,” I said. I didn’t say it harshly or to dismiss her. I walked past her, and she followed me out to the waiting SUV. Her heart beat fluctuated from steady to a faster pace. I’d never heard it change so much. I held the door open for her as she got in. Abby moved toward Ashley, sitting down
next to her. Climbing in next to Abby, I shut the door.
Misery accompanied me along the ride to the church. No one talked. I tried to think of the right things to say ease her mind. I knew she kissed me in Boulder because she wanted to kiss me. She kissed me back last night even though I mainly did it for Ashley’s benefit. Idiotic move on my part, and now I hated myself for it.
She stayed tense next to me, and her heartbeat continued to fluctuate. I stared out the window and thought about the funeral to focus on work. It would be in a large church, and the church would be relatively safe. The graveside service would be our most vulnerable point of the day.
“We will arrive in about 5 minutes,” Tony broke the silence. I realized he had an earpiece when he reached up to adjust it. “They are prepared for our arrival. Tadeas, stay with Abigail at all times.”
“Okay,” I said quietly. I could see the massive church as we approached it. The parking lot packed with cars looked like a black Friday sale. She tensed even more next to me. I wanted to reach out to her even though I felt upset about everything. Then confirming everything I felt about us, for no reason, except for pure instinct, she rested her hand on my knee as if she heard my internal struggle. I slipped my hand underneath hers and intertwined my fingers with hers, and a wave of calm rolled over me. However, she still trembled. “What can I do to help you calm down?”
“I’ll get it together in a minute,” she said.
“I hate the fighting and the tension, but I’m not leaving you,” I said.
She drew in a deep breath and relaxed. “I’m fine now.” I didn’t believe her. She compartmentalized all of it tucking it away for later. For the next meltdown.
Tony pulled us up to the curb in front of the church. I got out and held my hand up for Abigail to get out. The moment her heels hit the sidewalk everyone there turned to look at her. She tensed, and I pulled her hand to my arm. “What is going on?”
“I don’t know. Something feels off,” she said and tightened her grip on my arm.
“You stay close to me. We shift if there is any problem,” I said.
Ashley and Ichiro went in front of us as we walked up the steps to the inside of the church. Once inside we walked through a set of double doors. The church looked more like an arena than a place of worship. Large monitors in the front above the stage flashed pictures of the proxy, his family and his charity work. Six large aisles led to a platform with a pulpit. In front of the platform, a deep burgundy casket sat with silver rails and accents. A large arrangement of white roses covered the top of it.
Ashley and Ichiro walked down the aisle all the way to the front. They moved into a pew to the left of the center in the room. Most of the people in the room watched us walk the aisle. Abby became increasingly tense. Her grip on my arm might leave a bruise even through the thick suit. I nodded toward the pew, and she turned to look at Ashley whose face filled with sadness. Abby moved toward Ashley sitting down next to her. I turned to get a good sense of the whole room before I sat down. People still filed in the back doors. The church would meet its capacity soon.
I sat down next to Abby. I put my arm around her shoulders and leaned into her ear. “What is wrong?”
She turned and looked at me. “Jay.” I cringed. We were mourning more than just the Atlanta proxy that I didn’t know. We needed to mourn for Jeremy Stafford, too.
“And Sam. And Travis,” I said.
She nodded. I kissed her on the forehead and turned to the pulpit as a woman approached to sing. Her voice filled the church as she sang “Amazing Grace.” I thought back over my life. I had attended a few funerals while growing up in the Catholic Church. Funeral Mass was much different from a Christian service. However, since then, I had not attended any funerals. I wondered how many Abigail had attended. I didn’t know if Lincoln had a funeral or not. She hadn’t been able to tell me that story, and I’m not sure she would ever be able to tell me.
The service lasted for a little less than an hour. The casket was wheeled out, and the next of kin followed it. I turned to see Tony standing against the wall at the back of the room. As Andrew Gilbert’s widow passed us, her eyes locked on Abby, and she grimaced. I felt Abby tense again. She had calmed down during the service. The woman turned her head from us and followed her husband’s casket out a side door. Everyone across the room started to stand and make their way to the exits. I stood and offered Abby my hand.
She stood, taking my hand and squeezing it hard. “Maybe we should skip the graveside service.”
“What was that look she gave you?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Caroline and I have never had any differences. She’s always been pleasant,” she said.
“But you haven’t been around for 20 years,” I reminded her. She hung her head, and I realized my tone was accusatory. Perhaps I was more on edge than I realized.
“You are right, and many things have changed,” she said.
“Go or don’t go. It’s up to you,” I said.
“Let’s get to the car and discuss it,” she said. We moved out into the aisle as Ashley and Ichiro followed us.
The humidity hit us in the face after leaving the air-conditioned auditorium. We made our way to the car, but I still felt uneasy. I looked around us with my human eyes as well as my jaguar abilities.
“I feel it too,” she said.
“I don’t know what it is though,” I said.
She shook her head and climbed in the seat. I got in quickly behind her.
“Maybe we should skip this graveside service,” she said.
“Abby, you need to be there,” Ashley said.
“Something is wrong. I can sense it,” I said.
“It’s a funeral. There is nothing good about it, Tadeas,” Ashley argued.
“No, it’s more than that,” Abby said.
“I agree,” I added.
“Of course, you do,” Ashley said.
“Don’t,” Ichiro said from the front seat. Ashley turned her face away from us.
Great. Both of them were mad at me now.
“What’s the decision?” Tony asked as he looked for an opportunity to move into the exiting traffic.
“Maybe I should try to speak to her, and not run from it,” she said looking at me. She didn’t mean just Caroline Gilbert.
“It’s up to you. I go where you go,” I assured her.
“Tony, follow the procession to the burial. We will assess the situation as we go,” she said. Tony pulled into the traffic. He turned on his headlights and joined the procession following the hearse.
After a few more moments of tense silence, I spoke up. “We just all need to chill the fuck out,” I said.
“Sign me up for that,” Ichiro said and fist bumped me over the seat.
“Men,” Abby muttered, but she smiled. Ashley, however, did not relent. Poor Ichiro. Abby cut her eyes to me. “What?”
“Poor Ichiro,” she said. I laughed. “I knew what you were thinking.”
“I should be thinking poor Tadeas,” I said.
“No, you shouldn’t,” she said putting her hand back in mine. “We can call Cassidy when we get back.”
“That is not funny,” I said.
“Yes, it is,” she giggled.
“No, it isn’t. At all. Don’t say it again,” I countered.
“Please don’t let her kill me, Mr. Tadeas,” she mocked. I cringed. Ugh, I did not know why that girl had attached herself to me. I still haven’t checked my emails since I deleted those first ones. Thankfully, she didn’t have my cell phone number.
“Please don’t remind me.”
“We can put her in your next training class,” she continued to tease me.
“No. We can’t. I don’t train classes anymore. My job is babysitting a grown woman,” I countered, but held my breath. I wasn’t sure how she would take it.
“Aunt Li told me one time that fucking the babysitter was trendy,” she said.
“What the hell!” I exclaimed. They al
l turned to look at me, and I pointed at Abby. “Crazy woman talking in my head. Sorry.” Ichiro and Tony laughed. Ashley remained stoic. Poor, poor Ichiro.
“Keep dishing it, honey. I’ve got a comeback for everything. But really, she told me that once. She just started talking about porn one day. I was like, what the fuck? Crazy Aunt Fae,” she said.
“As weird as it sounds, I might have liked to be a fly on the wall during that conversation,” I said.
“That doesn’t surprise me. Men are easily turned on by two women talking freely about sex. They are shallow that way,” she explained.
“I am not shallow. I just like good conversation.” It wasn’t a lie.
“Okay, I give,” she said.
“Tap out!” I exclaimed. She laughed at me and elbowed me in the ribs. “Ow!”
“Wuss,” she said.
“When we get back to the house, I’m going to show you how to use that new Bo staff,” I countered.
“Don’t make me hurt you again,” she said.
“She’ll kick your ass,” Tony said laughing.
“Hey! I’m damn good,” I said. “Besides, if she hurts me, she will just heal me up. Good excuse to put her hands on me.” They all erupted in laughter, except Ashley.
Abby whispered, “Thank you.”
“You are welcome, but it’s true,” I said.
“Yes, it is,” she replied. Her heartbeat finally regulated and turned to its normal steady beat. It had been off most of the day.
Relief from the stress finally came after Tadeas made us all laugh. Except Ashley. I would fix that as soon as we got to the graveside. I caught Tony’s eye in the rearview mirror and nodded to Ashley. He nodded back to me.
“What was that?” Tadeas asked not missing a beat.
“I need to talk to her when we get there. If you don’t mind, just step out of the car and give us a minute. Keep Ichiro out there with you. I’ll get her refocused,” I said.
“I’m not sure you want to mess with that right now,” he said.
“Yeah, I know. But what are best friends for?” I said.
“Okay, just don’t take too long. I’m ready to get away from this funeral. It still unsettles me. It feels like someone is watching us. Something dark is following us,” he said.
