Peter must’ve unconsciously felt the caterpillar draw blood and so moved his arm to sweep his neck, thus brushing the caterpillar back onto the floor. As luck would have it, the caterpillar landed mere inches away from its next temporary home.
The return to work after a holiday is always a challenge and a half, there’s the thrill of regaling/boring people when they insincerely ask about the trip, but there’s also the pain of wanting to return to the holiday and knowing that it will be a whole year, if not more, until the next one. Peter pulled on his uniform and headed to work. Peter used to cycle to work, but then he got his bike stolen on multiple occasions and so stuck with walking. Thankfully, his work wasn’t far at all from where he lived, thus making it seem pointless to ride a bike considering the walking distance was 8 minutes (10 if wet). Peter wasn’t feeling too great at work, it wasn’t the yearning to go back on holiday, but he wasn’t sure if it was the calm before the superhero storm either. He’d been disappointed before and so learned not to build his expectations only to have them shatter into a million pieces when it results in him sat on the toilet for two consecutive days. But this didn’t feel like food poisoning to Peter, he hadn’t graced the toilet seat with his buttocks yet, nor did he feel compelled to do so.
Today, Peter was not on the checkout counter but instead working the produce aisle which inexplicably required that the bananas be replenished in a timely fashion. As such, there was always a supermarket employee lurking around the bananas ready to replace a bunch as soon as it’s picked up. This was Peter’s duty for the day, working the produce aisle also required occasionally restocking other produce but it was paramount that the bananas always be restocked. Peter was fondling the phallic fruit while knelt alongside the racks and racks of bananas when the caterpillar emerged from its pocket home and burrowed behind the bananas. It went from one side to the other, from top to bottom, until all of the bananas had been given a caterpillar caress. The caterpillar’s potassium intake was through the roof, this tired the caterpillar and so it bored into one of the bananas and rested, and waited, and was eventually picked up by a lavish looking woman with a despicable feather boa and large brimmed hat.
With each hour, Peter felt more and more drained, it was common for this to occur as the work day dragged but this time it was amplified. Peter was indeed feeling sick, he could no longer disguise the fact and so his line manager sent him home for the remainder of the day, unpaid of course. Peter was grateful for the respite, all he wanted was to bury himself in his bed which he accomplished the moment he stepped into his apartment. He turned on the television and promptly fell asleep.
If Peter had woken up he’d have seen the news report of dozens of people with radiation sickness. The doctors couldn’t discern how it had happened. An image of a lavish looking woman in a despicable feather boa and large brimmed hat appeared on the screen with the banner containing the word ‘DEAD’. If Peter had woken up and then waited a few more days he’d have seen the news report dozens of people dead of radiation sickness and dozens more infected. Alas, Peter didn’t wake up. The caterpillar had achieved its grand plan.
HENRY
HARDER. STRONGER. LONGER. Such words were frequently displayed on Henry’s screen as he searched for ways to overcome his inadequacies in the genitalia department. It was a well-known fact that the genitalia department had extensive records on every person’s private parts and had them filed away in a highly efficient and organised manner. Henry’s record was filed under Aww isn’t that cute, the polar opposite side to the category Thats going to split me in two!
It is rare to find a man who is wholly satisfied with what lurks between his legs, they often try to find solutions to increase the proportions or feign satisfaction with the common myth that it’s not about the size but how it is used, people who use such a line are often with partners who also feign satisfaction of a different sort. Henry was not wholly satisfied, nor did he have a partner, he reasoned that it must be due to his dimensions and not the fact that he was hideously ugly and was often said to have hit the ugly tree and broken every branch on his way down. This was not an inaccurate statement though as Henry’s mother had given birth in a tree that was locally known for its ugliness. She was what was known as a tree hugger back in her day and thought that it was fitting that she give birth in the clutches of nature. It was a misguided thought because it mustn’t have helped her son in the looks department, it mustn’t have helped either when she would repeatedly beat him with a stick from the very same tree – known as the ugly stick – throughout his upbringing. But Henry was certain that his inability to get a girlfriend was due to the size of his wotsit and not his hideous appearance.
Henry had chanced upon an advertisement that displayed a prominent picture of a glass tube with a pumping mechanism that gave the impression that it would expand and stretch certain areas to make them larger in size. This pledge was alluded to by an image of the device next to a man with an extra-long specimen, his thumbs up and a cocky grin on his face. Henry was sold. He immediately bought the device and opted for same day delivery, watching the parcel tracking icon edge closer and closer towards his house. When the little delivery icon was upon his location he threw his window open, received the parcel from the delivery drone and slammed the window shut. The drone tutted at the rudeness and fluttered away, frustrated that it didn’t receive a tip for its efforts. Luckily, the drone had no idea what was inside the box otherwise it would likely have jeered at Henry and not so subtly made a remark about his inferiority.
The parcel was considerably smaller than what Henry had thought, it was confusing to think how it would increase proportions when the box was smaller than his existing proportions. The device itself was as depicted in the advertisement, though somewhat smaller. No assembly required which was a relief to Henry as he was inept at many things, putting things together being one of them, embroidery being the other but that’s beside the point. Henry ripped off his underwear – he wasn’t wearing any trousers as was typically the case with him – and placed the device on the specified area. Despite assembly not being required, pumping was a necessity, Henry furiously pumped the device but saw nothing for his labour, not even a smidgen of growth. Moreover there was a red ring forming in a place where one doesn’t normally want a red ring to form. The device had raised Henry’s hopes only to dash them quite expertly, he was sold a dream. This wasn’t the first dream he had been sold and it was likely not to be the last.
A couple of days had passed since Henry’s disappointing pump experience but he was still at it on the internet, trying to find new methods of increasing his manhood. It wasn’t hard to find such solutions, the internet was littered with them, though it was hard to find ones that Henry hadn’t already tried on his lifelong quest. He’d tried various creams and lotions, a plethora of pills and even yoga to no avail. After wading through the tried and failed methods, Henry stumbled upon one he hadn’t tried.
The method involved downloading a bizarre chant and listening to it with eyes closed while chewing on ginseng. It sounded legit. Henry was eager to try out this method but had no ginseng in the house, what with him not of the sort to have ginseng lying about. He set the chant to download and went rummaging through his cupboards to find something that had ginseng in it. His cupboards were bare save for the aforementioned pills and pumps, his drawers were filled with cutlery because that is what is usually found in such apparatus. In his fridge though he found the solution.
“Aha” Henry exalted because he felt as though there hadn’t been much dialogue thus far.
He pulled out a can of BEAST energy drink which proudly displayed ginseng on the top of the can in an attempt to make it seem healthier than it was. Also on the can was the company slogan ‘Drink the piss of the BEAST!’ a somewhat strange slogan to market the product but it seemed to work. Maybe people just liked to drink piss. The spokesperson for the company was Badger Fries, a celebrity survivalist who was indeed known for drinking his own
brew on his shows while in the most absurd situations that the average viewer would likely never find themselves in. If he had done an episode on how to survive in a suburban kitchen then that would’ve been more relatable to the fan base.
Henry took the can back to his computer to find that the chant had finished downloading. The instructions said to sit quietly with the chant playing in the background while eyes were closed and the ginseng was being chewed so Henry did just that, albeit replacing the chewing of the ginseng to a semi-frequent sip of the ‘piss of the BEAST!’
Strange noises were emanating from Henry’s computer speakers. It was supposedly a human making the sounds but sounded more like a seagull being mangled in a washing machine set to a slightly higher than advised temperature. A sip was taken, followed by another, and then a third which was immediately followed by a fourth and all of a sudden Henry was all jittery and couldn’t sit still. He leapt in the air and started shaking violently. Perhaps the chanting and the ginseng was taking effect, he could feel something swelling. Yes, it was swelling, larger, larger, then he realised that it was his bladder that was swelling and he was in desperate need of relieving himself.
When he unzipped his trousers and looked down he was in eager anticipation to see the fruits of his labour. Had it worked? No. At least, not at first. The stream had begun to slow to a few fluorescent yellow droplets – the BEAST was leaving, but as a parting gift there was a slight increase in proportions. Henry had noticed this increase, for he had been searching for it for all of his adult life and knew his exact measurements at all stages. He stared in awe at his parts and instantly leapt towards the fridge for more BEAST. Alas, he had forgotten to zip himself back up in his excitement causing one passer-by to notice his junk as she happened to stare up into his window at the most inopportune of times. She was repulsed by the sight and accidently stepped into oncoming traffic, a cyclist swerved to avoid her but the bus didn’t.
Unfortunately for Henry there were no more cans of BEAST in his fridge therefore it was paramount that he go to the shops to buy some more. The chant continued in the background to the tune of B flat on your face after listening to it for longer than two minutes also referred to as B Sharp is the blade that runs you through upon hearing it.
It’s quite normal for someone to take a stroll to the nearest shop, quite mundane to be honest, it is the kind of establishment that is often frequented by those who have either forgotten something from their weekly groceries or for those who simply cannot be bothered to go to a fully-fledged supermarket for whatever reason. In this instance, Henry was heading to the shop in order to buy as many cans of BEAST as he possibly could to guzzle them down while listening to a bizarre cacophony of chanting in an attempt to enlarge certain parts of his anatomy. Quite normal, quite mundane to be honest. The thing about convenience stores is that they always have a large selection of carbonated beverages, some of which can’t be found anywhere else save for the deepest darkest chasms of the internet. It was fortunate for Henry that his local convenience store maintained a large supply of BEAST in all of its many variations. There was the Cherry Popper Deluxxxe, Radioactive Gunge, Mercurial Majesty and of course the original, it mattered not what the flavour was because each of the variants was piss yellow when poured into a glass, not that the typical consumer ever did as such. It was fortunate for Henry that the store had a large selection and fortunate for the store owner too, for Henry took every can in the refrigerator.
“Plannin’ an all-nighter?” the store owner enquired.
“Something like that” was all that Henry could come up with as a response, he couldn’t exactly tell the truth about why he was purchasing so many cans of energy drink.
The store owner rang up the cans and put them in a bag for Henry. He didn’t usually pack the bought items for the customer but considering the bill came to over one hundred of your chosen currency’s largest denomination he decided to make a little more effort as most customers spent on average 100 of your chosen currency’s smallest denomination per visit.
The store owner completed the packing and bade Henry a good day as he slipped the cash into his pocket, no need for that to go on the books in its entirety he thought. Henry shuffled out of the store in eager anticipation to return to his humble domicile and continue to swell to larger proportions. The large bag of energy drinks was a little on the heavy side and large enough to block Henry’s view of oncoming pedestrians, as luck would have it, the other pedestrians also had their views shielded as they were all fixated on their mobile communication devices. The trip to and from the local convenience store was not far and only included one turn but it was on that turn that a pedestrian walked right into Henry, resulting in a few cans falling out of the bag and smashing onto the cold hard concrete. At least the cans sprayed their contents in a manner akin to an elaborate fountain display as they hit the ground. Nobody noticed this of course because they were all glued to their phones. The norm in the previous decades would be for both parties to instantly apologise as if it were a race to excuse themselves from the blame even when only one party was the culprit, however, in the most up-to-date decade people ignore such incidents entirely and continue to gaze fixedly at their black mirrors. Admittedly, there are some who get annoyed by such slights and Henry was one of them. He raised his free hand and extended his middle finger in an obscene gesture, but only when the person who bumped into him wasn’t looking of course. While in the process of ‘flipping the bird’ as it were, Henry’s eyes expanded and his expression turned from anger to horror as he saw his middle finger extend at a ferocious rate. He was so fixated by his extended middle finger that he didn’t notice the other walkers tutting as they were under the impression that a particularly passive aggressive young man was standing in the middle of the street giving everyone the finger. They didn’t notice the finger growing but only the obscene gesture that it represented. It wasn’t long before a burly bloke in a high-vis jacket and hard hat stampeded towards Henry and grabbed that very finger in a vice-like grip.
“I say, sir, do you realise that you are offending people with this gesture? I am inclined to give you a mighty thump to bring you to your senses and serve as a lesson to not do such a thing again”
Henry came to his senses, as did the burly gentleman when it dawned on him that his colleagues were watching.
“I mean, wot yoo fink yor playin at mate, I ought to wack you I should” the burly gentleman changed his tune.
“I..I…I”
“Yor wot?”
“I’m sorry, I just want to get home” Henry’s tone was so sheepish that it was quite possible that his next phrases would’ve consisted of a series of bleating sounds.
“Very well then. Let that be a lesson to you” the burly gentleman let go of Henry’s finger only to watch it droop immeasurably. “What are you?” He looked on as the finger sagged even more to the extent that it was touching his elbow.
“I..” Henry threw the bag to the floor, setting off another elaborate piss-yellow fountain display, and ran home with his middle finger flapping behind him.
When in his building he raced up the stairs tripping on his tailing middle finger on the first flight. The step hurt as Henry slammed his chin into it during his collapse, the step was probably just bitter about being walked all over and wanted to get some sweet delicious revenge. Henry could feel the revenge in no small amounts as his chin throbbed in pain. He continued up the stairs while grabbing the rail at regular intervals in order to prevent a further greeting from the steps. After the third flight of stairs Henry was alarmed at the sight of his hand a few metres below still gripping to the rail and his arm stretched all along the staircase. He had no choice but to retrace his steps downwards and pry his fingers off the rail with his other hand. By that point, Henry’s arm was well over two metres long and so he hastily wrapped it over his shoulder and pressed on to the safety of his apartment.
Henry’s apartment had a doormat at the front door. He didn’t buy t
he doormat, it was simply there when he moved in, he wasn’t the sort to purchase a doormat that had a leopard print design with the words ‘Saucy Minx Lives Here’ proudly in the centre but he figured he needed a doormat and that was as good as any. Besides, he did enjoy tomato ketchup. Even though Henry was a seemingly strange man with a lack of hygiene, he did ensure to wipe his feet before entering his home, the elongated arm wrapped around his shoulder wasn’t going to stop him this time, though he decided that, given the circumstances, he didn’t need to wipe his shoes that extensively. The left shoe had its time on the doormat while Henry unlocked his door and had the opportunity of being the first foot through said door. The right shoe was enjoying its time on the doormat. Henry had entered his home by this point and slammed the door behind him.
A terrible yelp came from within as Henry felt shooting pains in his right leg. When he turned he saw that his right shoe, and by extension his right foot (he hadn’t put his shoes on the wrong feet that day), was still on the doormat but connected to Henry via an extremely long leg which was shuddering from the impact. A firm yank was needed to bring his leg into the hallway to allow the door to subtly slam shut. Henry had no clue what to do next, he had his left arm wrapped around his shoulder, his right leg stretched across the hallway and middle finger dragging along the floor, at least his private parts were a couple of centimetres longer.
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