(c) You bring along a friend, and after an hour you begin to berate and, perhaps, even beat him for his slowness, turning now and then to smile politely at the bank staff.
(d) You would never go into a bank if you were in a hurry.
8. You are approached by a tout, who asks you, "What you looking for?"
(a) You say, "A good time."
(b) You say, "Scram, buster."
(c) You smile and say, "The police station."
(d) Touts never approach you.
9. You have a copy of Nancy Chandler's multi-hued tourist map of the city, and you want to refer to it.
(a) You flip it open with a flourish right there on Suriwongse Road.
(b) You take it into a cafe and sit with it at a table towards the back.
(c) You take it into a toilet or, perhaps, a church basement, first taking care to shake anyone who might have been tailing you.
10. You are at a club with a musical revue, and there are all sorts of beautiful young things prancing about in frilly togs.
(a) You say, "My, aren't these Thai women lovely?"
(b) You say, "I have to get the name of that one with the long hair and big eyes."
(c) You reserve judgment on both the latter propositions.
11. The taxi driver has just told you the fare from Siam Square to the Ambassador Hotel is 100 baht.
(a) You get into the car and relax.
(b) You smile knowingly and counter with "Seventy baht, okay?"
(c) You smile knowingly and counter with "Jet sip baht, na khrap?"
(d) You laugh heartily, slam the door, and look off towards the next driver, who is even now angling in towards you, his first price already modified by your obvious savoir-faire.
12. There is a flood, and you are probably looking at hours in your car in a downtown Bangkok traffic jam.
(a) You put on your Linguaphone Thai language tape and settle in for some practice.
(b) You see the occasion as a spiritual challenge, and use it to practise your meditation techniques.
(c) You roll up your trousers, take off your shoes, and get out to walk, leaving your car where it is.
13. You are strolling on Silom Road one evening with a friend, and your friend looks up to see if it's going to rain and suddenly says: "Oh, yuck; right in my eye!"
(a) You look up at the sky and say, "Oh, yuck; right in my eye!''
(b) You don't look up; you say, "Barn swallows."
14. You are sitting on a city bus, and two nine- year-old kids get on. One sits in the last empty seat, just ahead of you; the other stands beside your seat.
(a) You reflect on declining standards of courtesy, wondering why the kid ahead of you doesn't get up and
give his seat to that lady standing with a bag of groceries.
(b) You get up and give your seat to the lady with the groceries.
(c) You get up and give your seat to the second kid.
15. There is a very precise queue of Thais waiting at a bus-stop. Someone asks you to account for this. You explain that
(a) it is a social vestige of the British Raj.
(b) Thais have a deep cultural respect for order and regimentation.
(c) they are standing in the shadow of a telephone pole.
16. You see a sign saying "No Hands Massage". You assume that
(a) the proprietors should've consulted an English- language expert before hanging the sign.
(b) it's a government employment programme for amputees.
(c) neither of the above.
17. In which of the following situations would it be appropriate to use the expression mai pen rai?
(a) You have stiff and sore muscles in your back, which you take to the "No Hands Massage Parlour", hoping for relief.
(b) Having bitten into a phrik kee noo, your out-of- town visitor explodes tom yam kung all over you, your girlfriend, and half a city block.
(c) You've bargained the cab-driver down to what you think is a good price, yet after you've paid him and he's driving away, you hear him chortling triumphantly.
(d) Having completed the "Bangkok Old Hand" quiz, you've scored a mere 72, and cannot hold your head up among other residents of the city.
18. She looks at you, infinite promise in her eyes, and she says: "Tomollow, flee!"
(a) You say, "Oh, boy!"
(b) You flee.
26 ANSWERS
Answers to the "Bangkok Old Hand Traffic Quiz", page 81.
1. The correct answer is (b). In this modern age, life isn't worth living if one doesn't have wheels.
2. The correct ranking is a, b, c, d.
3. When is rush hour? Get serious — when isn't it? The best answer is (c), though some would say this estimate errs on the side of conservatism.
4. The answer is (c).
5. The decibel level, especially at intersections and mostly because of massed unmuffled motorcycles, is such that hearing impairment is a big problem with both traffic policemen and street dogs. You should've selected (a).
6. The correct answer is (c), incredible as that may
seem. Not only was the holiday meant to keep commuters at home, the upcountry activities were intended to lure residents out of the city for the long weekend, clearing the streets still further for the VIP visitors.
7. Although the best answer is (a), even that is only true when the traffic is actually moving, which is ever less frequently. So (c) could also be right.
8. The answer is (a). Of course if you walk at that pace for more than a kilometre you'll succumb to carbon monoxide poisoning.
9. The answer is (b), according to city officials. But that's only on an absolute time scale. Subjectively speaking, the average driver spends several lifetimes stewing in traffic every year.
10. The answer is (a). The gubernatorial candidate had noticed that when the lights were green, vehicles kept moving. Sometimes the simplest solutions are overlooked. The second option (b) has no doubt been considered by the Tourism Authority, at least. Apparently the city of Jakarta has tried (c) with some success.
11. The answer is (c). There are about 400 private cars coming onto the road daily, but there are around 1100 new cars, trucks, and motorcycles appearing every day.
12. The answer is (c). I don't know why.
13. The answers are (a) and (c). If you answered (b), we assume you are only jesting. Or maybe you've never been to Bangkok.
Answers to the "Bangkok Old Hand Quiz", page 177.
1. (a) 5 points. If you answered (b) and can truthfully say that this habit does not lead to frequent fears that your brain is leaking out through your ears or even worse, then give yourself 10 points.
2. (c) 10 points.
3. All of them — (a), (b), (c), and (d). Never mind; the world is an uncertain, transitory realm of illusion anyway. 10 points.
4. All of them: (a) apply to the temples and under the nostrils: (b) apply to the afflicted area and under the nostrils: (c) apply to the leg, temples, and under the nostrils: and (d) apply everywhere that's left, but do not take internally. 10 points.
5. (b) 5 points. If you said the question is only academic, since no one but a maniac would jog in downtown Bangkok pollution, and thus you would never have sore muscles from running in Lumpini Park, then give yourself 7 points.
6. (c) 5 points.
7. If you chose (a), then deduct 20 from your overall score. The loss of face and loss of effect occasioned by this line of attack indicate your total lack of know- how, in Thai terms. If you said (b), take 5 points. Good move — nice and indirect. If you chose (c) give yourself 3 points. A basically sound approach: you've understood an important feature of Thai culture, and are familiar with
the strategy of "displaced anger". The last choice, (d), is worth 10 points.
8. (d) 10 points. Touts recognise you as an Old Hand, either personally or simply by your manner.
(c) 3 points. Not a bad move.
9. (c) 5 points. Unless you have some pressing need
for a congregation of touts and assorted con-men, (a) and (b) are foolhardy in the extreme.
10. (c) 5 points. Get involved in haste; repent at leisure. Things aren't always what they appear to be.
11. (d) 5 points. The third choice (c) looks good but, of course, 70 baht is still way too high.
What with meter taxis now pushing the older versions out, the art of bargaining for a reasonable fare may become a dying art, except when you're dealing with tuk-tuks. With tuk-tuks, of course, only strategem (c) or (d) is normally effective, since most tuk-tuk drivers are linguistically less accomplished than the average taxi driver. But with (d) remember this: you can't slam the door on a tuk-tuk.
12. (c) 5 points. An Old Hand wouldn't be caught dead in a Bangkok flood in his own car unless he also had a driver with him. Let the driver practise meditation techniques; you can wade to the nearest grogshop and wait things out there.
13. (b) 5 points.
14. (c) 5 points. No matter how old and tired you
feel, in Bangkok kids get to sit and you get to stand. Given the number of standing-room passengers on these buses, at times, the very survival of anyone under four feet tall depends on this custom.
15. (c) 7 points. This is not an uncommon sight. Thais have an aversion to sunlight so marked you can't help but wonder if they wouldn't also shy away from garlands of garlic.
16. (c) 5 points.
17. All of them, though you're stretching it a bit with (d). 3 points
18. (b) 15 points. If you answered (a), you get no points, but there's a very good chance you'll get to be an Old Hand before it's all over. Good luck.
End of Bangkok Old Hand
Table of Contents
BANGKOK
OLD HAND
1 LAND OF SMILES
2 EXCEPTIONAL CIRCUMSTANCES
3 LEARNING TO WALK
4 LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
5 THE ORIGIN OF THE THAI BUS QUEUE
6 RUNNING WITH THE BULLS, BANGKOK-STYLE
7 SOCIAL FREE-CLIMBING
8 THE JOY OF TRAFFIC JAMS
9 ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE
10 FLEEING THE SCENE
11 BANGKOK OLD HAND TRAFFIC QUIZ
12 BANGKOK 1997: LAND OF SALES
13 BANGKOK 1997: CITY SKYLINE
14 SPACE INVADERS
15 MY CAREER AS A MODEL
16 LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT
17 JUST ANOTHER MYTH
18 STAGEFRIGHT IN RANGOON
19 SHMOOS AND ALIEN BLOBS AND THINGS
20 THE GREAT WATERMELON FUMBLE
21 THE JOY OF HANGOVERS
22 AND DON'T SAIL OFF THE EDGE OF THE WORLD
23 USERS AND LOSERS: A COMPUTER STORY
24 FAMOUS LAST WORDS
25 QUIZ: ARE YOU A BANGKOK OLD HAND?
26 ANSWERS
End of Bangkok Old Hand
Bangkok Old Hand Page 14
