by Palladian
- Confidentiality—Could be jailed or killed for releasing confidential information? This sounds crazy. Is this something that has ever happened? How seriously is this enforced? What if someone makes a genuine mistake?
- Who is the Confidentiality Officer?
- It sounds as if all medical care will be done by on-site doctors. Why is this? What about potentially life-threatening situations?
As Lex reviewed the list, she realized that although some of the things she’d read sounded strange, none of her concerns would cause her to refuse right off the bat. Some things might become more worrying after her questions got answered, and maybe she could then tell them she’d changed her mind, but considering her current employment situation, she felt nothing she’d read so far would force her hand to tell them no. Also, she found she’d become more interested in accepting after having read about the responsibilities and training. Lex spent a minute digesting those thoughts, realizing she’d definitely have to make a decision since it wouldn’t be an automatic “no.” She sighed, thinking that would have been so much easier. Quickly, Lex put together a pro/con list, but it told her what she already knew—both sides seemed about even.
Since most of the best decisions she’d made came from being outside, deep in the woods, breathing in fresh air and letting the peace of the place seep into her, Lex immediately thought about a visit to her local park a few blocks down the road. Since she’d been there before, however, Lex decided against the idea. Every time she’d gone there it had been overcrowded with families or people walking their dogs, and it severely lacked big trees.
Instead of a trip to the park, Lex drew the blinds as far as she could. Sitting back on the couch, she brought her legs up and crossed them tailor fashion. After giving the piles of paper on the coffee table another long look, she closed her eyes. She breathed quietly for a few moments, trying to bring her heart rate down.
She opened the eyes of her imagination then, and walked into the heart of the forest. Lex had to crane her neck to see the tops of the trees she walked beside, and the huge canopy filtered the bright sunlight overhead to scattered spots of light at her feet. As she breathed, she could taste the dew from the leaves and smell the rich scent of forest loam. Lex paced slowly among the trunks, trailing her hands against the bark and feeling textures from sharp and crumbly to soft and yielding, like skin. Lex continued walking, knowing that she’d eventually find the answer she sought.
After a while she came to a stream. She hunkered down to look more closely and saw the rocks in its path that made it sing and the grasses that bent under the momentum of the stream’s flow. Further downstream, she saw silver flashes underwater in the spotty sunlight sparkling on the stream and got up, moving closer. As Lex approached, she saw tiny fish swimming in a pool that had formed below some rocks and watched them nibbling at some of the underwater plants. She smiled to herself as she used some stepping stones to cross the stream and continued on.
Periodically now, she saw immense trees with trunks that had few branches and black bark that curled up at the edges. Her mind named them black birches, and she found them lovely. She turned in front of one and started to go down an avenue of trees that seemed as if they’d all been planted in rows. There was grass in between them, and the ground was soft, springy, and pleasant to walk on. Her gait became a confident stride, and the breeze blowing through the tree limbs overhead made her feel like the leaves whispered to her, telling her the right way to go.
Suddenly, Lex saw a figure ahead of her in the forest along the path she walked. The person was far away, just a smudge of vertical color showing against the tree trunks, but Lex now knew that she needed to speak to that person. She increased her pace, but the figure didn’t appear to be trying to get away, instead seeming to wait for her. As she approached, Lex realized that the person towered over her and had their back turned, wearing a dark opera cape with the hood up. Lex frowned, not sure what this meant, but continued to walk towards the figure. When she was a few feet away she spoke up. “Hello?”
The person turned and the cape fell away, blowing to the ground and rolling away in a sudden breeze. It was Casey, Lex realized, and the woman turned towards her with an open smile. “Hey, Lex. I’m glad you came.”
“Hi,” Lex replied, feeling a smile on her own face despite the odd circumstances. “So you came to help me out.”
Casey shrugged. “I hear you’re trying to decide what to do.”
Lex nodded and looked at the grass for a moment. She gazed back up at Casey and squinted a bit to look her in the eye, since the patch of sunlight they stood in had widened as the breeze picked up. “I have to admit, I feel a little weird talking to you about it, though.”
Laughing, Casey responded, “Well, the fact that you’re talking to me and not to someone else might say something about the direction you’re thinking about going. But remember that I’m just here to help. I’m not really even the person you met, I’m just your guide here.”
“I know, I know,” Lex answered, rubbing her hands together a little nervously.
“Let’s walk a while,” Casey said, indicating the direction Lex had been traveling in before.
The two of them fell into step together comfortably, like two old friends used to hiking around together. The very air they passed through seemed to sparkle as stray bits of sunlight made it down to their level, and Lex found herself relaxing again. Finally, she spoke once more. “So you know what I’m trying to decide, whether or not to take the job offer for the M Agency.”
Casey smiled down at her. “I told you I knew you’d get it.”
“OK, so you were right,” Lex replied, feeling a little sheepish and smiling at the ground. “What I want to know now is, do you have any advice you can give me? Some things about it sound good but some sound bad, so I’m not really sure what to do.”
Casey was quiet for a moment, looking up at the branches as they met above their heads. “Well, I have a question for you in return. What do you want out of life?” Lex looked over at Casey as she paused, knowing her own expression showed puzzlement. “I don’t just mean to marry some guy and work at some job. I think you’ve always felt that you wanted to accomplish more, to put something good out into the world. Is that right?”
Lex felt her heart jump as she thought about her previous excitement in reading about the team responsibilities and training. “That’s true.”
Casey smiled down at her again. “Well, think about what you know about the job so far. It sounds like it might offer the potential for you to do more good in the world than most of the jobs you’re used to doing. Also, I have a feeling that if you take this job, it will be the start of a long road for you, one that you’ll find some of your other heart’s desires at the end of.”
Lex thought for a bit about what Casey had said and then asked, “Do you have any idea what would happen if I refused the offer and continued looking for another job?”
Frowning a little sadly, Casey looked down at Lex again. “Yes. Unfortunately, I have the feeling that if you turn this job down, you’ll have trouble coming your way for a while.”
“Ah,” Lex replied, now frowning herself.
“I’m sorry about that,” Casey said. “I wish I had something better to tell you.”
Lex smiled up at her again. “It doesn’t matter. Thanks for being honest.”
Casey looked up at the branches overhead again and said quietly, “There’s something else, too. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I have a feeling that if you do accept the offer, you and I are meant to—“
Lex almost levitated off the couch at the noise from the intercom because it seemed unbelievably loud in the quiet house. She jumped up and ran to it, immediately responding with a hurried hello.
“Ms. McKilliam, the courier who was here earlier is back,” the person from the front desk replied.
“Please send him up. Thank you.”
Lex broke the connection and shook her head, still feelin
g jumpy from the jarring noise and the cascade of thoughts running through her mind as she tried to decide what response to give. Some minutes later she heard a knock. After a deep breath to calm her frayed nerves, she went to the front door. Upon opening it, she looked up to see the same wiry frame and chauffeur’s cap and smiled. “Hi, Carl. Will you come in?”
His disappearing grin shone out briefly before he nodded, following Lex inside. When they’d sat in the living room again in the same places as before, he spoke. “Well, did you make a decision?”
“I’ll take the job,” Lex replied, and immediately felt a rush of happy excitement. She couldn’t say if she felt surprised by what had come out of her mouth; it almost seemed like she’d sat watching herself from behind a pane of glass. Since she hadn’t made a final decision until that moment, instead trusting herself to figure out what to say, Lex mentally crossed her fingers and hoped she’d made the right choice.
Carl nodded, looking at her as if trying to figure out the thoughts running through her mind. After a moment he asked, “Did you sign the papers?”
Lex shook her head. “Sorry, I’ve been reading all day so I didn’t sign any yet. I’ve made lots of notes about questions I want to ask tomorrow, and if all of that goes well it shouldn’t take me too long to finish reading everything and sign.”
He nodded again, as if mentally confirming something, and the momentary smile appeared and vanished before he continued. “That should be fine. I’ll take your response back to the agency, and the papers as well. You’ll get the same packet back to finish reading and signing tomorrow. Just so you know, you’re expected to report at nine tomorrow morning to the facility you interviewed at. Don’t pack everything you own; just figure out what you’ll need for the next two weeks. Once you’ve gotten used to how the scheduling goes, you should be able to decide what else you’ll want to move over. Don’t worry if you forget anything; just put it on the shopping list and it’ll be brought to you. Will you need to have a car sent around?”
Lex thought about it as Carl packed all of the stacks of papers back into the envelope. She figured she could probably pack everything she needed into her travel bag, a backpack, and the purse she normally carried with her, but she did have another question for him. “I think I should be OK, but I was wondering what type of clothes to pack. From what I read, it sounds like I should definitely pack workout gear, but I was wondering if I would need some business clothes or anything else.”
Carl looked at her for a moment and then shook his head. “For your first few weeks, I doubt you’ll need anything like that. You can pack one outfit if it makes you feel more comfortable to have it, but I doubt you’ll need anything more formal than business casual, if that. The ladies who live there dress informally, as you could probably see from visiting. I’d say to pack whatever you feel most comfortable in.”
Lex nodded. “Thanks. I should be fine taking the metro there tomorrow, then.”
“All right,” Carl responded, now done inspecting the papers and ensuring that they all seemed to be there. “In that case, I’ll leave now. Congratulations on your new position.”
The almost intangible smile seemed a bit wry this time, and Lex smiled uncertainly in return. Even though she felt happy about her decision, she still worried that she didn’t have the full picture of what lay ahead.
She sighed with concern as she closed the door behind Carl, but quickly shook the feeling off. Looking at the clock, she realized she had almost an hour until Kurt got home and decided to do some packing before he arrived.
Lex pulled her travel bag and backpack out of the closet, wrinkling her nose slightly at their dusty smell, and began to fill them with her favorite workout gear, a couple business casual outfits, a few pairs of jeans, and some sleeping clothes. Lex went back into the living room after that to pack some things for any leisure time she might have. She added a few books detailing martial arts forms and a couple of her favorite novels to the bags. She also packed a blank notebook, some pens, and a small case for DVDs. Kurt would always laugh at her when he caught her watching them, but she loved a number of Japanese animated series and so she packed some of her favorites that she thought might help in case she had a bad day.
She left the bags open near the closet in case she thought of anything else to pack before she left the next day. Lex felt excited again, as if packing for camp or some other great adventure. She grinned at herself in the mirror as she heard the front door opening, ran to greet Kurt, and grabbed him to give him a kiss and hug.
“Whoa, what’s all this?” he asked, smiling.
“I’m just glad to see you…and I told them I’d take the job,” Lex replied, consciously trying not to bite her lip. Despite Kurt’s support earlier, she suddenly felt worried that he might be upset anyway.
“That’s great!” he said, returning her hug. “I actually made reservations at our favorite restaurant in case you did, so that we could celebrate.”
Lex smiled cautiously. “Thanks, Kurt, for being such a good sport about this.”
She felt relieved that he seemed happy about her new job, but she didn’t look forward to going to that place. Lex had been there with Kurt once before, and she’d felt like a strange animal on display the entire time. Since Kurt had chosen it to celebrate her new position, however, Lex resolved to go and try to enjoy it. The whole thing seemed odd to her, though, as if she’d stepped into someone else’s life.
“Hey, we should celebrate! Soon, you’re going to be making a lot more bank than I am. I’ll have to brag to everyone about my rich fiancée,” Kurt replied, grinning at her.
She tried to smile again, but worried that it probably came out small and sad looking, since she wasn’t crazy about his celebration pick. “I should get ready if we’re going over there. I remember the last time we went that everyone was pretty dressed up.”
“That sounds good. Why don’t you wear the dress I got you last Christmas?”
“Sure,” Lex replied, with a smile that probably looked more like a grimace and turned back to the bedroom to change clothes.
The dress he’d mentioned was an expensive, short pink one with a big bow on the back. Lex would never have picked out an item of clothing like that for herself, and wearing it made her feel like a complete ass. It also made her feel uncomfortable, since she worried that due to the length people could see some of the scars on her upper thighs. But since Kurt was being so good about her new job, Lex figured she could put up with it. She also applied makeup, something she only ever did for Kurt, and brushed her hair out until it was shiny. When she came back to the living room, she modeled it all for him. “How do I look?” she asked.
“Like a million bucks. Give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”
Lex sighed quietly as she perched on the couch without sitting back so that the bow would remain unwrinkled, at least for a little while. She found herself wishing she’d had some warning about what he’d planned so that she could have mentally prepared.
The evening passed by in a blur, Lex thought later. She remembered working hard to smile and mostly just listening to Kurt’s stories about work. The people at the restaurant had looked at her like they had last time, the same way Kurt’s parents did. Somehow they had known she didn’t belong, and they had stared at her like an oddity. Some had looked pitying and some looked curious, but none of them had really seemed to see her at all. She’d felt so uncomfortable she’d hardly eaten anything, and what she had eaten seemed to taste both flavorless and disgusting. The restaurant was in a drafty old house with the air conditioning on too high, so the short dress had left Lex shivering at several points during the evening. She hadn’t been able to help her feeling of utter relief once she sat in Kurt’s sports car again, speeding for home.
Oddly, she’d felt even worse after they’d had sex that night. Although she could come on her own, she’d never been able to reach orgasm when the two of them were together. That normally didn’t bother her, but tonigh
t, when Kurt had fallen asleep not long after he’d finished, it had made her feel even more disconnected. It had been a while before Lex’s nerves had allowed her to rest.
Lex remembered one thing clearly during that night of fractured sleep—waking in the darkness after a dream of being back in middle school again, walking through the halls. No one there had seemed to be able to see her at all, however, not even people she’d considered her friends. She had wandered aimlessly, feeling like a ghost, until she’d finally woken up. Lex shivered for a while, lying sleepless in bed and wondering disjointedly if she’d ever find somewhere she belonged, until sleep claimed her again.
Chapter 5: Beginnings
When the alarm rang the next morning Lex looked at it for a moment and then closed her eyes to go back to sleep, but as she started drifting off, Kurt kissed her. “Hey, sleepyhead, you have to get up this morning, too! Don’t forget this is the first day of your new job.”
She groaned and rolled over, trying to adjust to the idea of being awake since she’d never functioned that well in the morning. Lex finally dragged herself out of bed as Kurt went to take his shower. Picking out some jeans, her workout sneakers, and one of her favorite t-shirts, she laid them out for later. Heading to the kitchen, she started water for tea, turned on the coffeemaker for Kurt, and put bagels in the toaster. As she finished that, Kurt came out of the bathroom, showered and cheerful. She sighed, feeling a bit forlorn in comparison.
“It’s all yours,” he said with a grin. Lex felt tired enough that she couldn’t even get up the enthusiasm to appreciate his towel-clad ass disappearing into the bedroom. Sighing again, she went to take a shower as well.
Lex felt a little more energetic afterwards but not perky by any measure. She ran a hand across the mirror to clear away some of the fog and looked at herself while she re-wrapped her hand in a clean gauze bandage and blew her hair dry enough to look presentable, then she went to dress. After putting on her outfit, Lex quickly finished her packing and then set her backpack, travel bag, and purse on the end of the couch nearest the door. The sight of her bags ready to go caused an odd lurch in her chest, but she tried to ignore it as she went back into the kitchen, where Kurt greeted her with a smile.
