by Jacob Chance
Getting to know Zoe on a personal level when I was guarding her was my biggest mistake. Seeing so much sadness reflected in her large blue eyes was more than I could ignore. My quest to draw smiles and laughter out of her backfired on me. I fell for her - hard and fucking fast. And all these years later, I’m not ashamed to admit I fell in love with an eighteen-year-old girl. The twenty-four-year-old woman still has the same effect on me.
Any future for us looks doubtful at best. It takes two and she’s clearly only interested in being my coworker. Hoping for friendship at this point might be overly optimistic. While my head is rational enough to realize and support this as a fact, every other part of me wars against the truth. We may not be together now or ever, but my heart still holds hope that someday we can be.
Stupid fucking heart.
If only I could figure out how to stop caring about Zoe and making her wellbeing my top priority, then I might be able to move on. As it stands now, I’m perpetually trapped mourning the demise of a relationship that never had a chance to be.
The rest of my night passes without incident and I find myself driving past her house on my way home from grabbing some fast food. Slowing to a crawl, I turn down the side street right before her house and pull to the opposite side of the road, parking along the curb facing the wrong way. I can clearly see inside the large sliding glass door on the back of her house. She’s seated on the brown leather couch, talking on the phone. I breathe in a sigh of relief when I realize Max is nowhere in sight and then I’m instantly annoyed her blinds are open. Anyone can see inside and observe without her knowing. She works for the fucking FBI. How can she be so careless? I can see her lips moving and I bet if I focused, with my excellent vision I’d be able to tell what she’s saying. The sliding glass door at the back of her living room is like a giant invitation for creepers to look inside. It doesn’t escape my notice that I’m the creeper currently watching her, but at least my intentions are honorable. Well mostly honorable. I don’t know if it’s possible to resist thinking about Zoe Thomas and what she looks like naked.
Could her lips possibly taste as good as I remember?
Will the longing ever go away?
What matters most, is that I’m a part of her life, even if the roles I play are only coworker and her sometimes watchdog.
At least I know she’s safe.
Once I’ve returned home, I move into the kitchen and grab a cold beer from the fridge. Popping off the cap, I take a deep pull and savor the ice-cold liquid sliding down my parched throat. One more sip and half the bottle’s already gone. I can’t drink it down fast enough with the way tonight went. I know Zoe won’t stay single forever. Even though it’s been only a week since we became acquainted once more, I didn’t imagine her dating or having a boyfriend.
As if watching her walk outside with someone else wasn’t bad enough, it had to be with someone she has history with. Seeing his hands on her, shot a pain through my chest like a stake to the heart. If I hadn’t been leaning against my truck, I might’ve fallen to the ground. Her name escaped from my lips before I could contain it. I didn’t want her to know I was there, but if nothing else, it put an end to their moment before they kissed, and I did get to talk to her.
“What’s up, bro?” Martin asks, bumping my fist as I slip onto the open stool next to him at Patriot Blue, our favorite pub.
“Not much, man. I’m glad you called, even if it’s late. It was a long day at work and I might have been in bed by now if you hadn’t suggested getting out.” I’m not about to tell him what I was really doing earlier. At the least, being out for a few drinks will take my mind off what happened with Zoe tonight.
“I haven’t talked to you lately aside from seeing you on the job. And we’ve been so fucking busy with everything going on. I just wanted to see how things were.” He aims a glance in my direction. “You seem out of sorts. What’s up with you?”
My eyes flick to meet his. “You know how Zoe’s back and she’s actually working for the bureau?”
“Yeah, we talked about this before. How do you feel about her being there?”
“I’m glad she is. She deserves to be.”
“Are you sure you’re happy about this?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I play the I don’t care card and hope he goes for it.
“Dude, I’ve always known you had a soft spot for her. You told me six years ago. I wouldn’t forget something like that.” He smirks.
I shrug my shoulders and kick myself for opening up to him. He must’ve caught me at a weak moment when I was hopped up on pain meds in the hospital.
“Six years was a long time ago.”
“Not that long, I guess.” He looks pointedly at me over his beer bottle. “I remember how worried you were about her safety when you were still in I.C.U.”
Yep, definitely the meds.
“Sure, I was concerned. She’s a nice girl. I wanted her to testify without any more problems.”
“Woman, she’s a grown woman now, Nash and she did get to testify. But things are very different now and if you’re into her then go for it. There’s nothing to hold you back.”
“Who said I’m interested in her?”
“Dude, I know you. Nothing rattles you - nothing except Zoe. And when I told you I was thinking of asking her out you had murder in your eyes. I’ve never seen you like that with anyone else.”
“It doesn’t matter. She made it pretty clear she only wants to be friends. I have to respect her wishes as much as it sucks.” Flagging down the bartender I order a beer before turning to Martin. “How’s everything with you?”
“No complaints here. I’ve been renovating my condo and that’s been taking up most of my spare time.”
“Nice. One of these days I’ll have you help me renovate mine.”
“Demo is a great way to work out your frustrations. There’s nothing better than smashing things.”
“You’re making me want to renovate now. Sounds like a fun time.”
“Start with your bathroom. Taking a sledgehammer to tile is a blast.”
“You know what? I think I might do that. As soon as work settles down some, I will.”
“Dude, there’s always another case we’re working on. Just find the time and start or you never will.”
“What’s up with you and this new attitude? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak like this. You sound like a life coach.”
He laughs and orders another beer as I pick up the bottle the bartender slid my way. Gulping it down, I know I’m going to press him for more information. Martin never behaves like this.
“You know I’m not going to let that go. I’m waiting for an answer.” I stare pointedly at him.
He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. In our line of work, there’s no guarantee of what can happen to us day to day. Today could be our last - or maybe next week. We don’t know. I guess my mortality has been weighing on me lately and I’m trying not to put off the things I want to do. I’m focusing on now and making the most of each day.”
“Dude, I gotta be honest. This doesn’t even sound like you. You sound kind of crazy. Are you turning into a new age guru? You gonna grow your hair and wear some mystical medallion?”
He chuckles and shoves my shoulder. “Maybe I am. Let me offer you some advice from my new esteemed position as your personal guru. If you want Zoe, go after her. Show her how you feel. Make her see just how serious you are.”
“Yeah, if only it were that simple.”
“Why shouldn’t it be? If your feelings for her are genuine then put in the extra effort.”
I arch my brow skeptically and take a sip of my beer.
“Don’t give me that look. I know what I’m talking about. Defer to your superior here, Nash.”
I smirk. “Superior?”
“Guru Martin works too.” He flashes a grin. “In all seriousness though, you need to figuratively sweat for this woman. Not l
iterally though, because you smell like ass when you do.” We both laugh. “Zoe’s not the type to fall at your feet. She’ll make you earn it every day.”
“Believe me, I know. She’s the most stubborn person I’ve ever met.”
“People who live in glass houses…” His words trail off.
“I’m not stubborn.”
“Nash, tell me you’re yanking my chain.”
“I’m serious. I’m not stubborn, I’m determined. There’s a difference.”
“If that’s the spin you want to put on it, determined is great. Now go use that to get your girl. I’m sick of seeing your mopey ass face.”
“Fuck you. I don’t mope.”
“You get shot at for a living, surely one small woman is no match for you.”
“Ha. You don’t know Zoe very well.” I grin as I picture the stubborn set to her tempting mouth. “But you’re right. It’s been six years and I still have feelings for her. That’s gotta mean something.”
“Damn, I’d be happy if I could go a month with a woman without becoming bored. But variety is the spice of life. I’ll just give it the old college try until someday I meet the right one and she sticks.”
“So what do you think I should do to win Zoe over?” I’m not sure why I’m asking Martin. He’s never had a serious relationship in his life. But tonight, I’m seeing a different side of him. One that’s surprising me. Maybe we’re just getting older and what we want out of life changes? I don’t know, but another opinion can’t hurt.
“Nice gestures are the way to go. Bring her lunch, or something you know she likes. Chicks dig gifts.”
“Okay. I can do that since I haven’t got a better plan.”
“If this works you’ll have to refer to me as Guru Martin.”
“Fuck that.”
“Dude, I’m serious. You will call me Guru Martin.”
I laugh. “You’re touched, dude. Something’s not all there in that head of yours.”
“You’re just figuring that out?”
“Good morning.” I stop next to Zoe and place a cup of coffee down on her desk.
Her eyes leave the computer screen, angling down to settle on the Dunks cup, before her head swivels in my direction. “Hi. You didn’t have to bring me coffee.”
I sit on the edge of her desk and take a sip from my steaming cup. “Consider this my apology for my shameful behavior last night.”
“God forbid you just apologize.” She smirks. “Afraid you might choke on the words?”
“Words are only as good as the actions that follow. I prefer to show someone how I really feel.” I stare intently into her eyes.
“Apologizing shows you’re willing to humble yourself for the other person’s sake. It’s an admirable quality to have.”
“I am sorry. I also think showing up when you were out with someone else was humbling enough. If that didn’t send a clear message, then I don’t know what does.”
“How did you know where I was, anyway?”
Shit. I didn’t want her to ask this. “I got a text informing me.”
“You got a text...wait a minute. Tash texted you? I’m gonna kill her.”
“Yeah, she did. Go easy on her. She wants the best for you.”
“Oh, and I suppose you think that’s you?”
“I never said that. Don’t put words in my mouth. I can tell you that I’d never hurt you.” She chews on her bottom lip, eyes downcast. Placing my index finger under her chin, I raise her head until our gazes connect once more.
“Can I take you out for dinner tonight?”
Surprise flickers across her face. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
I scowl. “Why not?”
“We work together.” She raises her shoulders in a shrug.
“Zoe, that’s not a legitimate reason to stop us.”
Her lips press tightly together, and I can tell she’s thinking about my words.
“I don’t want you to feel pressured. I just want to take you to dinner and catch up.”
“We already caught up when we went to lunch last week.”
“I don’t know about you, but I think there’s a lot more for us to talk about. Six years is a long time to sum up in one lunch.”
She squirms uncomfortably in her chair and I can tell it’s killing her not to answer right away. She wants to say yes. Why is she fighting what she wants? Sipping my coffee, I wait for her to reply.
“Fine. We can grab a quick dinner.”
I smile. It’s cute how she’s trying to dictate what our night will be like. I don’t plan on dinner or anything else we do being quick.
Slipping off the desk, I straighten up to my full height. Placing a hand on her shoulder, I caress down to the top of her arm and gently squeeze. “I’ll pick you up at seven. Dress casual.”
Chapter Sixteen
Zoe
“What’s up with you texting Nash? Talk about putting me in an awkward position. He showed up at the club when I was with Max.” This is the first time I’ve seen Tash since last night.
“He did?” She giggles. “Wow, sending him that text worked even better than I expected.”
“It was horrible and embarrassing.”
“I can tell. That’s why you’re going on a date with him tonight. Because he’s a horribly embarrassing person.”
“Shut up. He put me on the spot. I could hardly refuse.”
“You can lie to yourself later.” She waves her hand dismissing my words. “We have more important things to discuss like what you’re going to wear. Please tell me that’s not what you chose.” I hear the disapproval in Natasha’s tone.
“What’s wrong with what I have on?”
She curls her lip up. “It’s boring.”
“He said to dress casual. Jeans are casual.”
“Okay.” She rises from the couch. “You cannot wear a Patriots t-shirt on your date. I’m willing to let the jeans slide, but I’ll strip that shit off you if I have to.”
I snort and roll my eyes. “What’s wrong with this shirt? I happen to know Nash is a huge Pats fan.”
“Zoe, give it up. Go find a top to wear and not one that covers you to your chin. Show off your titties.”
“Ugh, you’re so crude and a giant pain in the ass, you know that?”
“Yep, I do.” She smiles. “Come to think of it, wear that blue top I gave you for your birthday last year. It makes your eyes look insane.”
“Insane? Is that supposed to make me feel better about it?”
“Insanely good. You know what I mean. You’re just being pissy because you’re nervous about your date.”
“I’m not, though. Why would I be? We’re just going out to catch up. I told him I’d go for a quick dinner. I’ll barely be gone.”
“Are you trying to convince yourself or me?”
I sigh and think about what she asked. “I’m not sure.” My answer is as honest as I can be. “I really don’t know what to expect from this night.”
“Why do there have to be any expectations? You need to relax and have fun. This is Nash. You used to enjoy his company, right?”
“I did.”
“Why would it be any different now?”
I shrug. “There’s no reason and there’s a hundred reasons.”
“You make no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense to me.”
“Let’s start with the facts. You know he’s taking you out to eat and most likely it’s someplace he’s familiar with. So, at the very least you’re getting a delicious meal out of your date.”
“It’s not a date,” I grumble.
“Go put that blue shirt on like I told you before. You need to look good for Nash - you know for your first date.”
“Grr.” I walk away without looking back and head to my room. Switching out the t-shirt for the fitted top Tash recommended, I check my reflection in the mirror one last time and smile. She was right, electric blue material does make my eyes stand out. I refuse t
o think about why this pleases me so much.
“That’s more like it,” Tash calls out as I return to the living room. “You should put some fuck me heels on. Nothing sends a message like sexy shoes.”
“I don’t want to send a message.”
“Well, those boring shoes are nothing but another version of a chastity belt. You won’t be getting laid tonight.”
“This is just a catch-up dinner. Just to get to know each other again so we can work together.”
“I’m sure Nash would like to get to know you in a different way than you’re thinking.”
“Whatever.” I wave her comment away with a sweep of my hand and the doorbell rings. Oh shit. Is it too late to back out?
Tash must see the utter panic on my face, because she jumps up from the couch and hurries over to where I’m frozen in place. She squeezes my arm. “Stop worrying. Go out and have some fun. You’ve earned it. You’re right, it’s just a catching up dinner between two friends. I shouldn’t have teased you about it.”
The doorbell peals once more. “Shit. I don’t know if I’m up for this,” I whisper. Placing a hand on my stomach, I hope to slow the whirling nerves dancing inside. My limbs feel shaky and I’m hot all over.
Am I getting sick?
Maybe I should cancel. I wouldn’t want to expose him to whatever this is.
Natasha smiles encouragingly. “Go on. Everything will be fine, and you’ll be back before you know it.”
Nodding my head, robotically, I move toward the door, plucking my purse from the end table as I pass by. Slinging the strap across my chest, I focus on slowing my breathing with each step that brings me closer to seeing him. It’s a trick Nash taught me six years ago and I’ve been using it ever since. By the time my hand closes around the knob, I’m feeling better. I can do this.
Tugging the door open brings me face to face with Nash. Or should I say face to chest? My eyes glide across the broad expanse of muscles wrapped in a black button-down shirt, before sweeping up over his smiling lips to meet his golden gaze. Warmth wraps around me like a hug as I lose myself in our silent stare off. Neither of us says anything, we both remain in place like we’re being held there by some invisible force.
