by Gideon Defoe
‘Item forty-six,’ said the Pirate Captain, stifling a yawn. ‘It is further proposed that draculas are only popular with teenage girls because they’re regarded as safe, unthreatening boyfriend material.’
‘Oh, for pity’s sake!’ exclaimed Shelley, throwing off his newspaper bandages with a disgusted shrug. ‘This is quite useless. Look!’
He pointed out of the window, where the sun was starting to set over the mountains. ‘We’ve wasted an entire day! If you’ll excuse me, I’ve had quite enough of this. I think my time would be better spent writing an angry poem about capricious girls.’ And with that he stomped off upstairs. Mary sighed, put down her axe, stopped doing mad bulging eyes and went back to doing regular eyes.
‘I’m sorry, Captain,’ she said. ‘I really don’t know what’s got into him.’
‘Probably belly issues,’ said the Captain. ‘Whenever I’m in a mood it tends to be belly issues.’
‘Shelley does rather have a point,’ said Babbage. ‘For some unfathomable reason this Monster Conference does not appear to be working. Therefore, I think I might also retire for the night, unless anybody has any other suggestions?’
Some of the pirates had other suggestions, but they were mostly serving suggestions for boiled hams, and so not particularly helpful at that point in time. Byron announced that he was going to be moody in the kitchen. The crew, after a brief vote, all decided to go and spend some more time laughing at the portrait of the man who looked like a cabbage. So once again the Pirate Captain found himself alone with Mary. He tried to do his nonchalant voice, but it came out slightly strangulated.
‘So, anyway,’ he said, wiping some of the paint off his face. ‘How’s the novel coming along?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Phoebe and the, uh, half-man, half-seaweed creature.’
‘Oh, well,’ said Mary with a little shrug. ‘I haven’t really had a chance to think about it, what with these terrible goings-on.’
‘No, of course, stupid of me.’ The Captain tried to hide his disappointment by only cursing very quietly to himself. ‘Still, it’s important not to abandon your muse. You know, one odd thing I’ve noticed is that when you reread what you’ve written after a brief interlude, it often strikes you entirely differently to how it did before. So you should definitely take another glance at your manuscript as soon as you can.’
Mary nodded. ‘I suppose it might help take my mind off things.’
‘No time like the present,’ said the Captain, hopefully.
‘Yes, Captain, I think I shall return to my room to work on it,’ said Mary, getting to her feet and fixing him with an ambiguous stare. ‘Perhaps you could walk with me? In case of vampires?’
They stopped outside Mary’s room.
‘So, here we are,’ said the Pirate Captain.
‘Yes, Captain, here we are.’
Mary bit her lip. The Captain tugged at his beard ribbons. Wolves howled in the forest outside.
‘Anemones are funny creatures, aren’t they? Like underwater eyebrows.’
‘Anemones?’
‘Sorry, I don’t know why I said that.’
The Captain stared very hard at his boot buckles and tried to think of some conversation that didn’t involve anemones.
‘Perhaps,’ said Mary, ‘you’d like to—’
‘GHOST!’ shouted the albino pirate, as he and the pirate in green came tearing up the stairs, arms flailing wildly. They skidded to a halt, panting and wide-eyed.
‘There’s a ghost in the study!’
‘That’s nice,’ said the Captain. ‘Sorry, Mary – you were saying?’
‘A LADY GHOST!’ exclaimed the pirate in green.
‘Yes, well, good for her,’ said the Captain. ‘But Mary here is trying to finish her sentence.’
‘Why are you mouthing “go away”?’ asked the albino pirate.
Down the hall various doors creaked open as the other adventurers poked their heads out.
‘What’s all the noise?’ asked Babbage.
‘What was that about “ghosts”?’ asked Shelley.
‘Did someone say “lady”?’ asked Byron.
Fifteen
Lobster Boy – 24 Inches Long!
Everybody stood in the study looking at exactly no ghosts.
‘There was!’ insisted the pirate in green, upset. ‘A lady ghost.33 She was ghastly white, but in an attractive way, and she just walked straight through the wall, like – like . . . well, I can’t think what like, because I don’t know anything apart from ghosts that can walk through walls. I suppose a rhino could walk through a wall, but it wasn’t much like a rhino.’
‘Also, she was carrying her head under her arm!’ added the albino pirate breathlessly, running in a circle. ‘And she had three legs!’
The Captain glowered.
‘All right, she might not have been carrying her head under her arm and she might have had the regular number of legs,’ said the albino pirate, faltering. ‘But she really was a ghost. Standing right where you are now. I am sixty-five per cent certain it wasn’t my reflection.’
‘Sorry,’ said the Captain, turning to Babbage and the Romantics. ‘Appears to be a false alarm. When the lads get overexcited they have a tendency to start imagining things. I don’t like to tell them off for it because I think a healthy imagination should be encouraged and cultivated, but they do get rather carried away.’
‘Well I for one don’t think we should dismiss such phenomena quite so readily,’ said Shelley, arching an eyebrow and stalking towards the door. ‘And, seeing as we are all now up, if everybody would care to join me in the dining room, I believe I have a plan that might resolve our predicament.’
Once they had all taken a seat, Shelley unfolded a square wooden board, and laid it carefully down on the table in front of him.
‘That’s your plan? We’re going to play some sort of board game?’ said the Captain, frankly unimpressed. ‘You think the dracula or his ghostly pal will be so jealous of the thrilling time we’re having for ages-four-and-up that he’ll pop his head round the door and ask to join in? I know you lubbers have lower standards than us seafaring types when it comes to excitement, but even so, seems far-fetched. Still, nothing ventured nothing gained, I suppose. Where are the pieces? I want to be the thimble.’
‘There aren’t any pieces, Pirate Captain,’ said Shelley, glowering.
‘No pieces? Oh, hell’s limpets, I’ve got you – it’s one of those role-playing things. In that case, I take my enchanted axe and lop Percy’s head off. I think it’s your turn next, Mary. Keep an eye out for goblins.’
Shelley groaned. ‘This is not any type of game,’ he explained. ‘It is a Ouija board. A way for us to contact the spirit world.’
‘Sorry, I stopped concentrating,’ said Byron. ‘Caught a glimpse of my cheekbones in that suit of armour. What are we doing again?’
‘Desperate times call for desperate actions,’ said Shelley. He took a heart-shaped piece of wood from his pocket and placed it on the board. ‘Though it pains me to say so, I fear the Captain is correct: obviously some occult forces are at work in this awful place. It is my hope that the spirit world can provide us with some answers, and allow us to uncover the dreadful truth behind Jennifer’s disappearance, not to mention the whereabouts of “On Feelings”.’
‘Oh, what rot,’ said Babbage, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. ‘This is exactly the sort of nonsense I was expecting from you wiffly types.34 To think, I could be at home polishing gears and springs.’
‘Please sit down, Mister Babbage,’ said Percy, suddenly sounding a bit more commanding than usual. ‘Now – if you would all link hands, I shall attempt to work this device and see if anybody is out there in the spirit aether.’
Everybody linked hands apart from Shelley, who rested his palm on the piece of wood and then half closed his eyes.
‘Woooooooooo!’ said a ghostly voice.
‘Byron, please stop that,’ said Percy.
>
‘Sorry,’ said Byron.
For a few moments nothing stirred. Then, very slowly, the wooden block under Shelley’s palm started to move.
‘I think it’s working!’ whispered Mary, squeezing the Captain’s hand.
‘Hello?’ said Shelley, addressing the shadows. ‘Is anybody there? Are you trying to tell us something?’
Eventually the wooden block settled on a letter. It was an ‘H’. Then another. E. Then another. L. Then another.
H.E.L.L.
‘Great Scot!’ exclaimed Byron. ‘We’ve contacted the underworld itself! Oh, I hope it’s a succubus. Pretty adventurous girls, those succubi, from what I hear.’
‘No – wait! Look . . . it’s not finished yet,’ said Mary, enthralled. The block moved again.
H.E.L.L.O.
‘Ah, that’s nice,’ said the pirate with a scarf. ‘I’m glad the spirit world has manners.’
‘Who is this?’ asked Percy, his voice trembling.
I.T.S. M.E. J.EN.N.I.F.E.R.
‘Jennifer!’ exclaimed the Captain. ‘Neptune’s knees! So you really are dead? We’re all very sad. Can you tell us what it’s like being a ghost?’
O.K. I. G.U.E.S.S.
‘Have you seen anybody famous?’
I. M.E.T. H.E.N.R.Y. T.H.E. E.I.G.H.T.H.
‘Is he very fat?’
Q.U.I.T.E. F.A.T. Y.E.S.
Percy cut in over the conversation. ‘Jennifer – can you tell us what happened to you?’
M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D!
‘By a dracula?’ asked Byron, holding his breath.
T.H.A.T.S. R.I.G.H.T.
A chill wind seemed to sweep through the room. The Captain was glad he was wearing his hat, because he wasn’t aware that the idea you lose most of your body heat through the top of your head was just a myth.
‘What can we do? Where is he? Do you know where he’s hidden the missing bit of the book?’
T.H.E. F.I.E.N.D. I.S. . . .
‘Yes?’
. . . I.N. . . .
‘Yes?’
. . . I.N. . . .
‘Don’t milk it, Jennifer.’
. . . T.H.I.S. V.E.R.Y. R.O.O.M!
Everybody gasped, and let go of each other’s hands.
E.M.P.T.Y. Y.O.U.R. P.O.C.K.E.T.S.
‘This is getting idiotic,’ said Babbage. ‘I will play no further part in such an unscientific charade.’
‘You seem very jumpy, Charles – if that is your real name,’ said the Captain, eyeing the mathematician suspiciously. ‘Perhaps you’ve got something to hide, hmmm?’
‘I suggest we do as she says,’ said Shelley. ‘On the count of three, we all empty our pockets onto the table. Agreed?’
‘Because of the ridiculous nowadays fashions, I don’t have pockets,’ pointed out Mary. ‘Will a purse do?’
‘I’m sure that’ll be fine,’ said Shelley. ‘Ready?’
One by one they all nodded, even Babbage, though he looked a bit reluctant.
‘Right then, here goes. One. Two. Three!’
Everybody thrust their hands into their pockets and plonked the contents onto the table.
‘Let’s see what we’ve got then,’ said Percy. He indicated the scented handkerchief, squashed lily and well-thumbed thesaurus from his own pockets. ‘Nothing incriminating there. What about you, Babbage?’
Babbage mostly had equations written on scrunched-up envelopes, and a few doodles of mechanical ladies saying things like ‘Oh Mister Babbage you are a one’.
‘Mary?’
Mary just had a notebook and some smelling salts.
‘So,’ said Percy, turning to the Pirate Captain with a glare. ‘How about you, Captain?’
‘Well now,’ said the Captain, sifting through quite a big pile of bits and pieces. ‘Half a ship’s biscuit,35 my lucky toy unicorn, a novelty astrolabe shaped like a lobster, a selection of drinking straws in different sizes, and the I-Spy Book of Waves.’
‘Really? That’s everything?’ Shelley looked a bit disappointed. ‘Well, uh, that just leaves you, Byron.’
Everybody looked at Byron. He pursed his lips.
‘How odd! Here’s a shopping list that I don’t remember writing.’ He held up a shopping list. It read: coffin, mothballs for coffin, billowing black cloak, toothpaste. ‘Then there’s this petticoat, which looks to be about Jennifer’s size, and finally there’s this badge that says “I AM A MASSIVE VAMPIRE”.’
For a moment, nobody said a thing.
‘Well, would you look at that?’ Byron ran a hand through his hair and shook his head in happy disbelief. ‘It appears that I’ve been the evil Count Ruthven all along!’
Sixteen
Ham and Hellfire
‘This is fantastic!’ said Byron, bouncing up and down. ‘Me! The maleficent undead! I’ve taken “dangerous to know” to a whole new level. The fans are going to be beside themselves when they read about this in the next issue of Young, Brooding and Doomed.’
He started to sing a little song to himself about being a vampire. The more easily frightened members of the pirate crew hid behind whatever furniture they could find. The others scratched their heads.
‘The evidence does appear irrefutable,’ said Babbage, looking sadly at the shopping list. ‘And to be honest, I can’t say I’m entirely surprised.’
‘No,’ agreed Byron, eagerly. ‘I mean the signs were always there, weren’t they? Though if I’d had to put money on it I’d have probably guessed I was a protoplasmic nightmare of some description.’ He leaned forward and drummed his fingers on the table. ‘So, what happens next? Something eldritch, I’d wager?’
‘Well, for a start you can tell us what you did to Jennifer, you rogue,’ said the Pirate Captain, looking cross. It’s hard not to be disappointed when friends turn out to be soul-sucking abominations. ‘And then you can tell us where this infernal secret of yours happens to be hidden.’
‘Haven’t a clue! I don’t remember anything about all the stuff I’ve been getting up to. I don’t even know what special powers I’ve got, though I’m sure they’re brilliant. Perhaps I’m only a dracula when I’m asleep? Is that a thing?’
‘Aarrrr,’ said the Captain, getting up from his chair and pacing up and down the length of the study. ‘I think we’re going to have to lock you in the pantry whilst we decide what to do with you.’
‘Of course, can’t be too careful. Don’t want me biting your face off.’ Byron suddenly threw his head back and bared his teeth with a hiss. Then he grinned again. ‘No, see, I’m just messing with you. Right then, in I go.’
Everybody waved as Byron helpfully stepped inside the pantry, and then the Captain and Babbage made sure the door was properly bolted.
‘I didn’t really want to say it in front of the chap,’ said the Captain, turning to the others, ‘but obviously we’re going to have to lop his head off.’
‘But we can’t!’ exclaimed Mary. ‘I know he’s a vampire, but he’s still our friend.’
‘Yes,’ said Percy, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. ‘I’m sure there’s a perfectly innocent explanation for all of this.’
‘Sorry, can’t risk it. I made that mistake before, when I took on that cannibal boatswain. Remember, number two?’
The pirate with a scarf winced and nodded.
‘Kept on assuring me he had it under control, but he’d eaten half the crew before the week was out. It’s a shame, because he really did have a lovely singing voice.’
‘But how?’ asked Babbage. ‘How does one kill the awful undead?’
‘Well, there’re lots of ways,’ the Captain explained. ‘Lopping his head off is just one of many options. We could set fire to his hair, or stuff a garlic clove in his mouth. Those are the usual methods.’
‘No! It’s too horrible!’ said Mary.
‘Fair enough. Well, if none of those grab you, I suppose dousing him in holy water is the most humane/least messy option.’
‘And where do you propose that we fi
nd holy water?’ pointed out Percy. ‘Here, in a haunted castle miles from anywhere?’
‘Actually, Percy, I’ve got that covered,’ said the Captain. ‘A few years back, I got a touch too heavy a dose of tropical sun. I did a lot of things that month, but one of the few that I can remember is insisting I should be allowed to officiate at my own marriage to a turtle. So I took the time to become an ordained member of Black Bellamy’s Oceanic Evangelist Church. It’s amazing, you just send off your cheque, pick which type of deity you want to worship – I chose that elephant one, with all the arms – and then they send you a certificate through the post. So I’m a fully ordained minister, with legal powers to bestow sainthoods, verify miracles, and, more to the point, bless water. Actually, it doesn’t have to be water. I can probably bless a chair. Or a ham. Whatever you fancy, really.’
So, after some surprisingly boring debate about the nature of right and wrong and whether if a vampire bit into a ham it would turn the ham into a hampire or if it would just stay a regular ham, the Captain got the pirate in green to fetch him a big bucket of water from the kitchen. Then he blessed it, which seemed to involve him making a lot of elephant noises whilst doing an odd little dance.
‘Okay, everybody ready?’ said the Captain, holding up his bucket of water. Mary stifled a sob and nodded. Percy stared at his shoes. Babbage did a thumbs-up and slid the bolt across.
‘Count of three. One. Two. Three.’ With that the Captain kicked open the door and threw the bucket of blessed water as hard as he could into the pantry.
There was a splash. Everybody peeked inside. All they could see was a lot of soggy bread and breakfast cereal. Shelley rubbed his eyes, gobsmacked.
‘The fiend has vanished!’ exclaimed Babbage, looking about. ‘But how?’
