by A. E. Murphy
“No,” he steps closer. “I mean… with you.”
“You’re worth a lot to me.”
“Not as much as my brother,” he grits through his teeth.
My hand comes up and grips his wrist, I stare him in the eye. “The same, you’re worth the same to me as he was. It’s just a different kind of worth.”
“Don’t,” he sighs and presses his forehead against mine. “Don’t give me hope.”
Gulp. “Hope for what?”
“Hope that maybe one day you’ll look at me the way you looked at him.”
My heart skips a beat, “How’d you know the way I looked at him?”
His phone rings, disturbing our intimate moment. I want to smash it but instead I step away to give him some privacy. He looks at me apologetically and puts his phone to his ear.
“I’ll wait in the car,” I have words to erase from my mind.
“We’ll talk later.”
Or never. Never is good too.
Nathan doesn’t take me back to the hotel, he takes me for a long walk around Piccadilly Circus. He even takes a few pictures when I request them and a few when I don’t. It’s great, I love the city. I wish I could spend more time here before the baby arrives. I don’t think pushing a pram around here is such a good idea.
I even manage to get a few pictures of him which is great because I don’t have any. Even though he doesn’t smile I still appreciate them.
I don’t want this to end, what we have now. Maybe it’s selfish of me. No maybe about it. It is selfish of me. Nathan’s right, I’ll never look at him the way I looked at Caleb, I’ll never love him the way I loved Caleb. But I’ve come to love him in my own way. He’s my best friend, possibly my only friend right now.
Well, the only friend I have within walking distance.
I care about him a lot, more than I should and I’m not ready to give him up yet.
I am selfish. I can’t argue with this. Of course I’m not using him but I need him and the thought of his attention being on somebody else makes me feel sick. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones.
So I walk through the street with my arm around Nathan’s, a smile on my face and a decision made in my mind. Right now I’m not letting him go. Right now he’s mine and I’m going to enjoy that for as long as it lasts.
We arrive home when the sky gets dark. We go to our own rooms and I toss and turn as I try to sleep, missing his heat against my back and hating myself for it.
There’s only one thought that enters my mind before I drift into the land of slumber. We didn’t finish our talk and for some reason, that makes me sad.
*****
The weeks go by, my due date gets closer and my stomach gets bigger. All is healthy and well in my womb and my body is okay… to the extent that it’s not under any stress. I feel like a whale though.
I knock on Nathan’s bedroom door, it’s eleven and he’s still not down yet. I hope he’s not ill again.
“Come in,” he calls, so I do.
I place his coffee on the trunk at the end of the bed and sit on the bed, as he stands in front of the full length mirror buttoning the sleeves of his white and blue striped shirt.
“You look handsome,” I comment, nursing my cup between my hands, the bottom of it balances on my stomach. Nathan hates it when I balance things on my stomach, especially hot things. He’s a little bit stressed when it comes to my pregnancy at the moment. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was nervous. “It’s snowing by the way.”
“Seriously?” He doesn’t look happy about this and immediately strolls to the window. I can see the large white flakes from where I’m sitting. “Great. It wasn’t forecast until next week.”
“Yep, they reckon twelve inches minimum in this area,” I smile at the thought. I love the snow. “We can build a snowman.”
“No we can’t.”
I glance at my planet and sigh, “Yeah, you’re right. You can build a snowman and I’ll watch and help you decorate it at the end.”
“No.” He raises his chin, his throat stretching as he buttons his collar. I stand and waddle towards him. “You look adorable when you walk.”
I scowl playfully, “I look like a whale balancing on two toothpicks.”
His smile widens, “At least you’re a pretty whale.”
“You’re not funny. Not in the slightest.”
“And an angry whale,” he jests, his eyes glittering with amusement.
“I will sit on you,” I threaten and pull his tie around his neck. “So, the dear old doctor called this morning. He wants to come out on Wednesday to check my lady parts.” I loop the thick end around the thinner end. “He said he’s going to come here, he wants to check our nursery I assume.”
“What do you mean check your lady parts?”
I shrug, hell if I know. “Maybe to see if I’m dilated or something.”
“That sounds uncomfortable,” we both make a face. It does sound uncomfortable. Very much so. “Are you nervous?” I chew on the inside of my cheek and nod. He exhales a long breath after I repeat his question back to him. “Petrified.”
“Why? You said you didn’t want anything to do with the baby,” I’m kidding. I mean, he did say it but I don’t think it’s true anymore.
He confirms my thoughts. “Things change. I don’t want you doing this alone.”
Aww, my heart just melted. “Thanks Nathan.”
“I also don’t want your mum staying here for more than a few nights. I’m not fond of her.” Well this is no secret. They met a month ago when my mum came to visit, she was shocked about the entire situation. Not that I blame her. Although she took it all in his stride, she was rude to Nathan on more than one occasion. Asking him about other girls and his private life. Trying to convince me that he would throw the baby and I out when he gets a new girlfriend. I can see her logic and I understand her way of thinking. These same suspicions have plagued my mind for a while now.
“I’m aware of your opinion of my mum. If your two days of moaning and bitching after she left were anything to go by, I’d say you hate her.”
“Hate is a strong emotion your mother isn’t worthy of,” he responds smugly and feels his now completed tie with one hand. “Thank you.”
“Just making myself useful,” I go back to the bed and lower myself onto it. “I look like I’m carrying twins.”
“You look like you’re glowing. Stop moaning about your appearance.”
Resting back on my elbows I watch him pull his jacket on and smooth down the lapels with his hands, “Stay inside. No wandering around in this weather. I’ll be back by dark.”
“Can’t I come?” I pout, tilting my head back to plead with him, eye to eye.
“No.”
“Why?”
He smiles wickedly, “It’s a surprise.”
“I hate surprises,” I grumble, swinging my legs side to side.
Nathan drops to his knees in front of me, pushing my legs out of the way so the top of his thigh connects with the side of my left hip. “You love surprises, you just hate waiting for them.” His finger flicks at my lower lip. “And stop pouting.”
“No.” I pout even more, it soon turns to a squeal when he lunges forward and I feel his teeth latch onto my lower lip. He releases me after a few torturous seconds and kisses my forehead. “You just bit my lip.”
“Don’t pout.” I want to pout for not being allowed to pout. Instead I flop back onto the bed, cringing as the baby swims around in my stomach. Nathan lifts my shirt and watches with his head slightly tilted. “He’s running out of room.”
“Yep,” I close my eyes and remain relaxed when Nathan prods at the flailing limbs poking under the surface of my skin. He chuckles to himself, his fingers grabbing at feet and knees. “You’re making him do it more.”
“Your belly feels really tight,” he remarks, I hum in response. It does, he’s right and I have no clue why it’s doing that. I’ll ask the good old doctor on Wednesday. Nathan goes ba
ck to playing limb grab with the baby. My eyes close, I’ll just keep them closed for a moment. Only a moment.
My entire body tenses when I feel his soft, stubble free lips along the lower curve of my stomach. He doesn’t stop there, he kisses further up sending tingles along my spine and continues going up. His kisses linger, each one a gentle caress. Leather clad fingers trail up my bare side, his thumb skims over the swell of my breast. A shudder racks through me along with a light moan.
My skin heats, my stomach tingles and I gasp when I feel the bed dip. His hand cups my chin, pulling it to the side. With my eyes closed I try to pretend this isn’t happening, I try to pretend that after over two months of no contact from Nathan, he isn’t doing this now. I can’t push him away, I want to but my body is on fire. I’m surprised I’m not trembling with need.
I feel the bed dip as he climbs up beside me.
A loud gasp rushes from my throat as he kisses the side of my neck. His tongue comes out to taste my skin as his hand holds my chin, stopping me from turning towards him and making the skin less tight and sensitive where he’s kissing.
How can he want to do this with me? My body is hideous right now.
“Nathan,” I manage to say through my panting. Am I telling him to stop? I don’t know.
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” He whispers in my ear and bites down on the lobe. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever felt the need to touch, the need to taste.” His tongue flicks at my neck, the spot below my ear that makes me purr.
“Stop,” I say, my mind a war of emotions. “You… we… stop…”
Why’s he shaking me? Why’s my brain so foggy? I blink open my eyes, noticing the heavy feel of sleep pressing against my lids. “Huh?”
Nathan looks down at me, his lips twitching with a knowing smirk, “I lost you for a moment there.” We weren’t kissing? “Sounded like a fun dream.”
“What?”
“Are you okay?” He’s used to me falling asleep at random moments, but this is strange. It didn’t feel like a dream. “You look a little disoriented.”
“I… we…” I rub my eyes with the heels of my palms and slowly sit up. “When did I fall asleep?”
He shrugs, “I was trying to grab his feet. Two seconds later you were gone.”
“Oh,” so he didn’t kiss me then. My guilt dissipates to a low murmur in my chest and mind. It lingers because I just had a dream about another man, but it’s dull because I can’t help who or what I dream about. Especially right now. The past month or so has been hell. I’ve never been so horny and I can’t reach down there to deal with it myself.
I had to get a bikini wax the other day. It fucking hurt! A lot!
No way in hell am I allowing my baby to pass through a jungle on his way out.
“Go to sleep, I’ll be back in a few hours,” Nathan pulls me up the bed and pulls the blanket over my body. He even shuts the curtains for me and pinches my nose. “I’ll wake you when I get home.”
“Uh-huh,” I mumble and close my eyes. I love this mattress. I want this mattress. “Drive safe.”
“Promise,” he leaves the room after hovering in the doorway for a while. I imagine him looking longingly at the bed, wishing he could climb in and forget the world much like I’m doing. I’m being ridiculous though, I know this. Or maybe I’m wishful thinking. There’s a heavy thought I don’t want to address.
“Hey,” it feels like I’ve only had my eyes shut for an hour when Nathan wakes me up again. I check the clock. It’s been six, Christ. My nap turned into a coma.
Yes bump, I blame you.
“What?” I rub my eyes and sway a little after sitting up. “What is it?”
Nathan takes my elbow and pulls me from the bed. I really don’t want nor do I need to be awake right now. “I did something.”
“Uh-oh,” I feign horror. “Did you cook again?”
“It’s almost six at night, you haven’t fed me.” We step into the dark hallway, why aren’t the lights on? I hate the dark.
“You’re getting me out of bed so I can feed you?” I ask, my tone incredulous and impatient. I’m not the nicest person when I wake up. I try to turn around. “Order pizza.”
His answer is to pull me down the stairs whilst chuckling.
Hey, the archway is glowing. Oh my god.
Christmas lights!
They hang loosely along the top and sides of the archway, twinkling purple and white in no particular pattern. The wood floor holds the reflection of other dancing lights, I notice this as I make it to the last step. Nathan steps behind me and covers my eyes with one hand whilst guiding me by the elbow with the other.
“Okay, so, I’ve never actually done this myself before and it probably looks awful.” He’s nervous, I love it when he gets nervous. It reminds me that he’s human and not a robot.
I know what he’s done, he’s decorated the room for me. But the anticipation and excitement to see it for real is strong.
“Ready?” He asks and I hear him gulp.
“As I’ll ever be,” his hand moves away. I gasp. “There’s a tree!” I squeal and clap my hands before turning to look at the large room properly. My feet carry me to the fireplace where two stockings hang, I laugh and touch the red faux fur between my fingers and thumb.
There’s not a surface without something Christmassy, it’s amazing!
“Nathan,” I sniff, my eyes tearing with emotion. “I can’t believe you did this.” He shrugs, his head lowered, seemingly shy all of a sudden. I step into him and wrap my arms around his waist. “This is amazing. You… are amazing.” His arms come around me and we stand in the centre of the room, multi-coloured lights dancing across our bodies. The scent of pine wood and cinnamon fills the air.
It’s almost Christmas.
******
We spend Christmas day just the two of us, I cook for obvious reasons and Nathan cleans. We didn’t get each other much, mostly because we didn’t know what to get. Nathan made me a bracelet to match my necklace and a new phone which is way too fancy and complicated for me but I love it all the same. I got him ten new pairs of gloves which he laughed his arse off at and a new jacket which cost half of my savings. He claims to love it and wears it proudly but secretly I think he hates it and is just too kind to say anything.
Dinner is divine as I knew it would be and I made far too much. It doesn’t matter though, I’ll be having turkey and stuffing sandwiches for the rest of the week. I don’t know a thing that’s better.
Mostly we watch the Christmas movies on TV and play old board games that have more dust than pieces. We even try to play twister but I can’t bend so that was a bust.
By the time midnight rolls around I’ve drank my weight in alcohol free baileys and I’m stuffed to the brim with food. Exhaustion seeps into me, making me feel heavy and lethargic. Nathan sees my eyes drooping and takes me to bed.
I should feel guilty that on Christmas night I fell asleep with a man other than the one I claim to love so profoundly, but I don’t. If anything I’m just happy that even though Caleb’s gone, there’s a good man looking after me in his stead who wants to hold me tightly throughout the night.
I’m selfish, it’s true, but I can’t bring myself to end this… whatever this is… between Nathan and I.
New year’s eve passes uneventfully, we didn’t bother with fireworks because they scare the crap out of me and I told Nathan to go out and have fun but he insisted that he’d rather be at home reading. He stayed at home with me but he did no reading. There was a lot of eating and baking though. He can now make scones successfully which is actually harder than it looks.
I’m now only eight days from my due date and I’m scared out of my mind.
The snow is thick on the ground, when I go outside I have to wear wellies as it comes to my ankles in some places. I want to build a snowman but Nathan won’t help me. He hates the snow and has avoided leaving the house whilst it lays on the ground in one huge, white blanket of do
om, as he dramatically calls it.
Spoil sport.
Fingers crossed it melts by tomorrow. My stomach has been twinging slightly all day and I’m concerned I’ll go into labour during this stupid weather. Although the weather forecast says it’ll stop snowing by tonight, it’s now one in the afternoon and although it has stopped I don’t trust the forecast. They’ve lied to me too many times before.
As it is, I don’t tell Nathan that I’ve been getting twinges, the last time I did that he took me to the hospital and it turned out to be gas. It was humiliating and he still laughs about it from time to time. Mostly because the woman leaned over me, her fingers grasping at my inner channel in an attempt to see if I’m dilated or not, she must have pushed the wrong button because I farted and it didn’t stop for about seven seconds.
The room went silent and still, save for my loud and squeaky, endless fart. Then Nathan burst out with laughter so hard, tears streamed from his eyes and he turned red from not being able to breathe. What’s worse is, it stank really, really bad. This only made him laugh harder. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.
He laughed all the way home too and all day the next day. Even now sometimes he’ll look at me and his body will start shaking as he tries to contain it.
My twinges seem to stop by the time I’m ready for bed which I’m severely grateful for. I climb under the covers without a care in the world, Nathan climbs in behind me and holds me tight like he does every night.
I don’t feel lonely. I feel good, not great, but good.
My smile remains on my face as I fall asleep, eager to see what this year will bring.
I’m not sure what time it is when I wake up from an awful pain in my stomach that rivals that of a strong period pain. An arm around my waist stops me from sitting up with it. I rub my lower stomach. It’s probably just petrol like last time, which would be embarrassing due to Nathan sleeping next to me. What time is it?
