by Sarah White
It was during one of our games of truth or dare that Matt had told us his decision to join the military. Court had cried and begged him to forget about it, but he had told her it was in his blood since their father had served before college and his grandfather had as well. I fought my tears and swallowed down any argument against it. I knew my place and it was to be there or Court and stay out of Matt’s life choices. I was devastated and sure he would leave and never come back because that is what people in my life always did.
Matt promised Court he would always be careful and that in time she would see how much fun it could be if he got to travel the world and play with weapons. I know he was just trying to ease her mind, his real motives being to escape this town and leave all of us behind. I couldn’t blame him, I was only here for Court. That night Matt told us he loved us both as he tried to hide the tears in his eyes by drinking more beer, and I wasn’t brave enough to say it back.
After boot camp Matt had gone straight to his permanent duty station and had only come home once or twice since then. When Elliot and I set up the date and venue for our wedding I had Court relay the information to him so he knew he was invited. I did not plan on him coming because he was halfway across the United States, but she called the day after to tell me he said he wouldn’t miss it.
Two years was a long time to be away from him and I was sure that I would not have any feelings for him when he came home but as the date approached I found that I was just as excited to see him again as I was about planning my wedding. Everyone gets nervous before their big day so I convinced myself that I would be excited to see any friend that had moved away for that long. I dove head first into the wedding details, busying myself with the menu, my dress, and the honeymoon.
I spent all of my time as a teenager with Court and Matt or with Elliot. Given that my mother was dead and I had no other family, my list of guests was limited to the two of them. Court insisted we have a bachelorette party so the night before my wedding she stole two bottles of wine from her parents and we got drunk in the spare room behind the garage. We laughed about how silly it was going to be to have a husband and then how sad we were that getting married meant I had to follow Elliot to school, putting an hour drive between us.
We were just starting the second bottle when Matt came home. He caught up to us quickly and soon we were all drunk, lounging around the room playing truth or dare. I knew better than to pick a dare, having made that bad decision one too many times with Matt and finding myself making an ass of myself somehow. Truth was not scary to me as Court already knew everything about me and Matt was too nice to ask something he knew I didn’t want to answer.
When we had finished the second bottle of wine Court fell asleep on my bed and Matt carried her into her room. He came back out to the spare bedroom to help me clean up the evidence of our little party and we found ourselves talking about his time in the Marines, the places he had been, the things he had learned. As we sat on the edge of the bed the conversation stopped. I tried not to look at him but inside me there was an urge to take in all I could, remembering every detail of his face as if getting married would finally be the end to that magnetic connection that pulled me towards him. He reached over and put his hand on top of mine.
“Truth or Dare?” he asked with a clear sadness in his voice.
“Truth.”
“Do you love him?” I am not sure if it was the wine or his touch but I suddenly felt flushed and dizzy.
“Yes,” I said back knowing that Elliot was the best choice for me if I want to keep my friendship with Court and get out of this town. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had told the whole truth: that I hoped to love Elliot one day thinking he could take care of me like no one else besides Matt and Court ever had. If I was really honest with him I would have told him that I had never loved another boy after he took my heart with him when he left my porch so long ago.
Matt shook his head and smiled. He kissed my cheek and then whispered, “If he ever hurts you I’ll kill him.” I didn’t respond because I knew it was not an idle threat and my heart filled with sadness when I realized he would always just think of me as a little sister.
Matt left my room that night and I laid there in the dark filled with sadness, wishing Elliot made me feel the way Matt did. How stupid it seemed to want to kiss someone else the night before my wedding. When I saw him the next day, as I turned down the aisle, I met his eyes one last time. Describing how my heart felt in that instant is not possible because the sadness and despair that wracked my soul cannot be put into word. It was deeper than the ocean and left me feeling an emptiness that continued to seep through every moment of my life from that point on. I stood in front of everyone and said my vows knowing that I had just promised to love Elliot forever and to do that I needed to quiet my mind of the thoughts of Matt and put any desire for him behind me.
I had looked for Matt at the small reception so I could say goodbye, well at least that is what I tell myself I would have told him. Many times in dreams I had found him and told him how I felt about him and he would take my hand and leave with me while all of the guests danced unknowingly. I never found Matt that night but Court found me wandering around the decorated hall alone and when she pursed her lips into a little frown I knew she had figured out who I was looking for. She told me he was gone, leaving after the ceremony to catch his flight. It was for the best really and from that moment forward the only contact I had with him was through her.
Chapter 13
Cait
It is two a.m. when I hear the door open. I had fallen asleep on the chair watching Court sleep and I freeze at the sound of Matt entering her room. It is so dark I can’t make out his face but I know it is him by the familiar smell that warms my heart now. I can also smell that he has been drinking since we left him. I watch in the darkness as he lifts the covers over her shoulder and then places two fists on the bed next to her. He bows his head and I hear him sniff as he tries to remain quiet but the tears stream down his face and his breathing gives him away. I am not sure what to do because I know he would hate for me to see him broken down like this. I decide to pretend to be asleep and I lay there with my heart aching as he sobs over Court.
In the darkness I grieve for all of us. I feel pain for myself but it holds the promise of an ending; the pain felt for Court is slightly more suffocation than my own. It is tolerable because it will end with her death, but the grief I feel for Matt is devastating. Sitting in the dark I imagine myself meeting Grief at my door, opening my soul to his presence and watching as he strips my walls of their color and takes everything of any importance with him. Ever fiber of my being longs to reach for Matt and embrace him in the small chance that sharing his pain can lesson its weight on his heart. Swallowing down the pain I sit in silence knowing that there is nothing that can be done to help either of us and sharing our grief would only create a dependency I am unwilling to enable. A clean break is for the best; the greater the distance between us the better.
When he pulls it together he stands up and wipes the tears from his face with his shirt. I remain still and wait as he walks around the bed to the foot of the chair where I sit. He leans down and I can feel him reach under my legs and back as he pulls me up close to him. I can’t believe he is carrying me out of the room but I don’t want to give away that I have just watched him lose it. I wait until he lays me on the bed to let him know I am awake.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I am sorry I wasn’t here.” He says as he sits on the edge of my bed.
“There wasn’t anything you could have helped with,” I say knowing it was only half true and hoping the slight quiver in my voice doesn’t give me away.
“When I got the text that you were going home I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Being here is killing me and I have only been here a few hours. I have been around death before but mostly it is when the life has already been claimed. I can’t imagine what it is going to be like t
o watch her fade. I can’t breathe and it’s so fucking painful. I knew I was sending you here to be killed by the sadness but I couldn’t find the courage to come back here. I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to do this alone.” Matt turns his face towards mine and I can see the tears fighting to return. He may be a grown man but tonight he looks like a lost kid and I can’t help but to put my hand on top of his.
“I am not alone. Your sister is still here Matt. If you spend this time avoiding what Court cannot help you are going to miss it all. I didn’t want to get in that cab either but she shouldn’t be alone. It is just two weeks, we can do this.” As I say it I am not sure if it is to convince Matt or myself.
“Just two weeks? I will miss her forever Cait. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of the men I have seen die. I am pissed that they are gone, that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I go through each day thinking that they should be getting to go through their day too. I think of their families and what it must be like for them. How am I going to get through my sister being dead? I can’t stop it from happening. I am as helpless in this as I am when men lay bleeding out before me. Do you think about what it is going to be like after she’s gone? I know that you and I are in the same boat now...we are alone. I have always had her to be my home. I call her from everywhere when I need to be anchored again and now she is going to be gone.”
My throat is so tight I try to swallow twice before I succeed. Taking in a big breath through my nose I will my voice to remain strong and my eyes to hold back the tears. Fraud is what my brain is chanting, knowing that I will allow myself to be here to experience life without Court. There has never been a life without her in my head and I have no idea what it might look like because my soul is just not interested.
“I don’t think about when she is going to be gone. I know I will find peace.” I almost feel guilty saying it now, knowing that his peace and mine are very different. I can’t promise him he will find peace or encourage him to think of the positives like I would with one of my clients. It is all too real now and I know that no matter what way I try to look at it, it is all tainted with sadness and grief.
Matt lies back on my bed next to me and kicks his shoes off. He crosses his arms on his chest and takes a deep breath. “You remember when you lived across the street?”
I nod my head and scoot over to make more room for him. I should be uncomfortable with another man in my bed but he feels safe to me. I am lost in the warmth of another person by me after all these months and I am starting to not feel so alone.
“I used to watch you say goodnight to Elliot at the end of your days together. You would give him a kiss and then jump down from the truck to run up to your front door. I remember how you would look back at him as he pulled out of the driveway and then the happiness would fade from your face as he drove away. I used to get so angry that he never saw that happen. He would just leave and not notice how unhappy you were without him. He didn’t deserve you Cait. I would watch from over here and die knowing that you were going into that house with your drunk mother and your only happiness was a dirt bag that couldn’t stop to make sure you got in safe. If he would have just looked back he would have seen how sad you were.”
I lay there next to him not knowing what to say. I never knew he watched me and I thought the secret of what I was going home to was only known to Court, my mother and I. It was true what he was saying: Elliot and Court were my only happiness, which is why I spent so much time with him. “He couldn’t have saved me from her you know. She was my cross to bare and I don’t blame him for what I had to do. At least he took me away from that place all day so the nights that I cleaned up after her couldn’t consume me.” Risking a look at his face I raise my eyes up to try and meet his. Matt is staring at the ceiling, jaw clenched in anger and I watch as he takes in a deep calming breath.
“I disagree. He could have walked you to the door, or better yet walked you to your room. It would have held your mother accountable for the mess that she was. I remember hearing you sneak into Court’s room at night after cleaning up after your mom. I can remember being able to smell you in the hall the next morning. Your hair was always wet from the shower and I would lie in my room waiting for you to leave so that I could watch you cross the street. I used to be so afraid something would happen to you while you crossed from our house to yours.”
With his words I feel a flush rush through me. Knowing he cared enough to watch and that he had known my secret all along makes my heart beat faster. Not letting myself appreciate that kindness from him has become a habit and now I fight to lighten the seriousness that has settled between us.
“That must have been on the nights that you didn’t have one of your many girls sleeping over?” I ask trying to lighten the mood.
“Girls didn’t sleep over Cait and you know it. Don’t think I didn’t notice you watching from your window to make sure they all left.” I can feel my cheeks flush as he says this and he notices too. He starts to laugh and that smile I have begun to crave stretches across his face.
I know I can’t recover from this and I lift my forearm up to block my eyes as I laugh at myself also. I move the hand away when the laugh calms down and when I rest it on the bed I feel his hand take mine.
“Please let me sleep here tonight Cait. I won’t touch you more than this I promise, I just can’t bare to lay in bed alone with my thoughts. It is much more fun to talk about your stalking tendencies then to plan Court’s funeral as I try to sleep.”
It is in that moment that I know my heart is going to be a problem in my decision to keep the distance between us. My head yells to tell him no, it may hurt him now but it will lessen the pain for him when I take my life, but my heart aches to be near him and the warmth from his hand in mine rises up my arm and straight to my heart. Selling a piece of my soul with the promise that I will create more distance tomorrow, I let my heart win this battle so that in the end my brain can with the war.
“Okay, you can stay but you need to get to your room before Court notices. I don’t want to hear it from her. She has some fantasy that you and I will live happily ever after together and I don’t want to give her false hope.” He looks hurt by this comment but I want to be clear. He can’t possibly think there could be anything between us. As much as I feel at peace with him next to me I know that he will leave me too.
Chapter 14
Matt
I don’t know if I can do this. Hopeful that Cait was a big enough distraction to get me through the night I had jumped at the opportunity to have some fun. The tension between us at the bar lit a fire in me that I have not felt in a long time and I had been so sure I would finally get to touch her again and maybe even hold her close as we danced. When that asshole bartender had stared at Court like she was some sort of freak I snapped.
Drinking has always been my out. Alcohol and drinking buddies are easy to come by in the Marines and old habits die hard. That bartender had me so pissed I couldn’t see straight When I felt Cait look to me to make it stop I knew the night was not going to go the way I planned. I fucked up again, drinking too much to numb the pain he caused us and reaching for another girl to brighten my mood. Cait was pissed and I could tell. I tried to make conversation at the bar but I felt like she was not interested, the tension from earlier lost on the asshole staring at my sister.
The text messages sent me into a panic, not feeling the phone vibrating in my pocket because of the roaming hands of the girl I was dancing with I completely failed to be there when Cait needed me. Seeing Cait curled up in the chair next to the bed where my sister lay dying really slammed it home that I was going to have to watch Court die and lose Cait again before it is all over. Knowing what it is like to lose Cait once already, I am dreading the day we separate this time. I know that our reason to remain in contact will die with my sister.
Cait is too nice to let me suffer alone, a weakness I just used to my advantage. I know that the distance between us is going to grow wider the further Cou
rt slips but tonight I am going to feel Cait’s body against me and finally spend one night next to this beautiful woman. Not thinking about what pain tomorrow will bring, I slide into bed beside her. The warmth of her body eases the tightness in my chest and I pray that somehow tonight won’t end.
Chapter 15
Cait
It is not long until I notice he has fallen asleep and I let go of his hand and roll over to get more comfortable. I lay here thinking about how different life could have been if Matt would have said something when we were younger. Now I am an almost divorced woman and he is a Marine, neither of us have roots anywhere and that is how it needs to stay.
I am almost asleep when I feel him roll over. My stomach turns with apprehension as I wait for him to settle in the bed. Even with the layers of alcohol I can still smell the faint scent of his soap and I close my eyes as I imagine turning to him and taking in a deep breath. Suddenly he has wrapped his arms around me and scooped me closer to him so that I can feel every inch of our bodies connected. His head is buried in my hair and when I try to squirm out it is hopeless. He is asleep and I am now wrapped up in him helpless to move and now realizing I don’t want to. I take a deep breath and settle into his embrace letting his body warm more than just my skin.
It must be about six in the morning when the sun shines through the blinds to wake me. I panic and reach out to see if he is still with me. My bed is empty and I relax as I stare at the ceiling and try to figure out where he could have gone and what he must have thought when he woke up in bed with me this morning. The consequences of sharing my bed ring loud as I already feel a loss waking without him.
I jump out of bed and realize I am still in the same clothes I wore to the bar. I feel disgusting and can’t wait to take a shower. First things first, I need a Coke. At my age I should be drinking coffee like the rest of the grown ups but I just never could get into the habit and prefer the sugar over the strong coffee taste. I run my fingers through my hair.
