by Sarah White
For a while she was happy, throwing herself into her schooling and then her career. As long as she was his and only his Elliot was happy. When they started talking about a baby and a family he began to change and I would listen to her cry to me. I would think about the salt in her tears and how they would turn her water toxic soon, and I would worry that Matt was still under water, not even looking for her yet.
Losing her baby was the hardest thing she had to overcome. I don’t think that anyone has ever truly recovered from that kind of loss. Elliot was selfish and narcissistic, unable to see Cait’s pain through his own elation at having a few more years to party and a wife whose figure could still turn heads. Today I am grateful that she can make a clean break from him, but months ago when it had just happened I wanted to take Cait in my arms and tell her the world is fucked up. Karma is a powerful force but it has been hunting the wrong victim since Cait’s birth.
My only regret is that I didn’t tell them earlier about their need to be connected. With my death the truth will come out and I can be at peace knowing that none of it will die with me. I worry about Cait the most. She has spent her whole life taking care of other people, first her mom, then her clients, and now me. She has never had anyone to truly take care of her. When I die she will be completely alone and I pray that she learns how to let someone love her and take care of her. If I could just open my eyes right now I would tell her not to be worried, that of all the things I have learned in my life the one I am most sure about is that Matt is never happier than when he is in the ocean finding Cait.
Death is not hard, it is the process of dying that is miserable. As the pain radiates from every muscle in my body and my lungs struggle to find air, I am at ease knowing it will be over soon. My choice to stop fighting the cancer was an easy one. I was going to die, no doctor would argue that, so I decided my death would be on my terms.
Oxygen is a precious thing that many people take for granted. If ever you feel that it is not something to be appreciated you should try dying. My lungs have no room left for air but my brain still demands I keep breathing. Apparently my organs are as horrible at communicating as I am.
It is less painful now then I thought it would be. The lack of oxygen causing my body to stop sending message of pain to a brain that is working overtime. A brain that is under attack by an inoperable tumor, fighting against shutting down until the last minute.
No longer able to move my legs, the only sensation I feel in my limbs is a tingling. It started at my fingers and toes and is working its way to my heart. I start to feel very sleepy, my brain imploring me to just relax. I refuse to give up so easily and fight until the tingling has reached my chest. My moment has come and I surrender to death, choosing to sleep over taking a breath.
Chapter 42
Cait
As the morning light shines through the blinds we stay staring at her, having not slept three hours between the two of us. There is nothing to say, a part of each of us has clearly died long before she has. I am holding her hand in mine when I feel it relax in my grip. The pain in my chest radiates throughout my body and I search Matt’s eyes for some recognition of what just happened. He stares at me holding his breath as the tears spring from his eyes and his throat fights to swallow.
“She is gone,” I say and I tighten my grip on her hand as if holding on to her will help stop the pain I am feeling.
Matt lets out a deep breath and lunges up to the bed, grabbing the hand that sits at the edge of the bed. We are consumed by sadness and give into the need to grieve as we try and remember what she looked like one more time. I kiss her hand while it is warm and run my palm across her head. Matt kisses her cheek and then leaves the room, fulfilling our duty to notify Candy. When he returns he tells me she will be calling the doctor and that they will take care of it from there.
Being rational right now is impossible and I struggle to stay sane as I wait for the doctor. I want to tell everyone to leave us alone, that I need to hold her and make sure she is safe. The thought of her in a bag is unbearable and I want to demand that she be handled differently. Deep inside I know I am no different than anyone who has watched their best friend die, but right now it feels like I am the only one who could possibly hurt this way. If others had felt this pain to the depths that I am experiencing it they would have surely died.
Closing my eyes I put her hand to my face, feeling the warmth of her skin against mine. She looks so peaceful now and I am envious, wanting nothing more that to die with her right now. Our bodies would leave this house together and our ashes could be scattered into the sea for a chance to play our childhood game for eternity. Instead I am here suffering, waiting for the next step in the process that will put me a little closer to my turn to exit this earth.
I can’t let go of her hand so I sit in the chair by her bed while Matt sits on the floor next to me. The faint sound of a knock echoes down the hall and this time I release her hand and make my way to the door granting Matt some quiet minutes alone with her one last time. When the doctor and I enter the room again Matt is distraught, and excuses himself to his room for a minute as the doctor performs his tasks.
Chapter 43
Matt
Court is gone and I am alone. I don’t even remember calling Candy but I guess going through the motions is something I have been programmed to do. She never made it to two weeks and I am so angry that they promised her time she could never have. My stomach turns and I run to the bathroom and vomit until there is nothing left but even then my body still wretches and I want to die with her.
My little sister is dead and I could do nothing to stop it. Fate is fickle and I feel as though it has let me escape my own death many times but now it has settled the score. I have spent my life avoiding attachment at all cost knowing that death cares not about who a person is when he takes them. My parents were taken from me at a very young age and I learned that not loving others is the only way to survive when Death swoops in and takes what he wants.
Now I sit on the bathroom floor listening through the wall to Cait say goodbye to my sister and I would give anything to be young again, eves dropping on them from my room, waiting for Cait to leave so I can watch her go. Cait has learned to be strong, she is the only other person who has lost more than me and this might be the death she can’t get past. I don’t know how I will ever help her to recover when I will never be whole again myself.
The world is standing still at this moment as I sit here on the floor. I can here Cait talking and the doctor digging in his bag but every minute feels painfully slow. Watching them take Court is going to kill me, I am not sure I can handle a stranger taking her out of her house. The thought of her body lying somewhere tonight makes me sick again and I throw myself towards the toilet as the vomiting takes over.
Chapter 44
Cait
I am sitting on the chair again when the doctor informs me that the coroner is on his way and I might not want to be in here when he does his job. The doctor gathers up all of Court’s medication and takes it out of the room. This is going to be the last time that I can be with her physically and I don’t want to let them take her yet.
“I love you, Court,” I say one last time, pressing my lips to her temple. “Thank you for all of the years of your wonderful friendship. I will see you on the other side.” I leave the room when I hear the coroner coming down the hall. Matt is standing in the hall and he wraps me in his arms as we both cry not caring who is here with us. When we can compose ourselves, Matt motions towards the kitchen where the doctor awaits. Formalities make our grieving feel interrupted.
We take a seat in the kitchen while the doctor drains her morphine into a special pad and mixes it with a substance so that someone else cannot use it. He looks up long enough to offer his condolences and then lets us know he will be ordering a few death certificates for us so that we can have extras to close out her affairs. We say thank you and shake his hand knowing that Court has already taken care of her af
fairs and one certificate would be enough.
Matt holds me up as they wheel her body out of her room and down the front steps for the last time. When they leave the house is silent and Matt and I sit quietly on the couch not knowing what to say to one another. I suddenly feel sick and run to my bathroom to vomit before throwing myself on the bed to sob. I hear Matt walk down the hall and once again stand outside the door weighing the decision to turn the knob or leave me alone. This time I hear the knob turn and he slides into bed beside me, pulling me close to him and we both cry until sleep overtakes us.
As I drift off to sleep I fall into a dream. We are running down the sand to the waves and I see Court out in front of me. She is laughing at first, turning her head back to see if we are catching up. I smile as I see her full healthy body free from the bruises of her current illness. Turning back to see how close Matt is, I feel like my heart feels has stopped, the fear in his face is evident and I try to process why he is afraid. He is reaching out to us but we are too far ahead. The feeling that it is too late is falling upon me.
Court is still running in front of me and I watch her trying to figure out why Matt is so fearful. The night is dark around us and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore is loud. I look to the ocean to see if it holds the answer and I feel a sudden tightness in my chest as I see what lays before us. We will never make it out of there.
Court is so busy looking back at us she doesn’t see what is ahead of her. Waves as high as buildings are crashing down in front of us, annihilating the shoreline and ripping its life forms back out into the ocean. I can’t get her attention and she laughs as she keeps running, think she is gaining on us. I try to scream but nothing comes out, and when I turn my head around to see Matt, he is so far behind, crying now and screaming to her but she can’t hear him. Court is too focused on us and where we are on the beach to worry about herself. There is nothing we can do; shut out by the darkness and sinking in sand, we watch as she crashes into the water and disappears under the wave.
I fall to my knees in the sand screaming for her, praying her head comes up from the water that is white with the force of the crashing waves. My voice is small and fragile and I continue until the my voice is too horse to escape my mouth. Matt is gone now and I kneel alone in the sand. The night is no shelter from the worry and I cry as I reach out to her. When the tide rolls out again I see her there in the water. Her lifeless body floating on the surface waiting for the brother that will never come find her.
In the morning I wake to an empty bed and for a second there is no pain. Once the haze of sleep has left me the thunderous cloud of loss hits me and I remember whom I lost yesterday. When I have cried all the tears I can cry, I find myself wandering to the living room in search of Matt. He is on the couch, clearly having spent his morning the same way that I have and he raises an arm to me, opening his chest so that I can lay my head down. We sit for a long time in the silence and I start to wonder what it would have been like to do this alone.
I had imagined that I would be there for her when she passed and then I could leave too, knowing that Matt could take care of her remains when he came home to put her to rest. I did not expect that she would want me to be a part of caring for her remains. I feel grateful that Matt is here with me to help serve out this sentence before her ashes are returned to us and we can scatter them at the beach.
I can’t eat and neither can Matt but he insists we at least try to get some water down. Candy calls to say she is sorry and before she hangs up I hear her voice crack and know that Court’s loss is shared between the three of us. We spend the day sleeping and crying, together in our misery. When night falls again we return to my room and crawl back into bed the same way we had the night before. I did not think it was possible but the crying seems less and we both fall asleep quickly. Matt has a nightmare despite being with me and it breaks my heart to witness him experience that moment when you are still in the haze of sleep before the reality hits you. I know he remembers when he buries his head in my hair and I wrap my arm around him, all too familiar with what that feels like.
There is no alarm set, no reason for waking, no medicine to give. We sleep for hours, finally resting for the first time in weeks. When we wake up I take a shower, trying to wash away the grief so I can get through the next few days. When I get out I find that Matt has done the same and we nod to each other as if to say we did it.
“Are you hungry?” he asks me and I have to really focus to give him an answer. I feel like I have been detached from my own body for days.
“Yes.”
“Let’s walk to that café again, I think they have breakfast.”
We leave the house and again Matt puts the key under a plant outside. He takes my hand in his as we walk in silence to the café. I order some toast and a coke which makes Matt smile for the first time in days and he seconds my order which makes me smile too. We sit there watching the world go on around us, the hardest reality to accept when someone you love passes away. When our food is brought to our table we eat in silence and then pay the bill and begin our walk back home.
As we reach Court’s doorstep I hear the phone inside ringing. We rush to open the door and answer it, knowing that Candy is the only person who calls the line now. “It should be soon,” she says, “her doctors were expecting her death so no autopsy needs to be performed. They are cremating her body and you should have her ashes back in a few days.” Before she hangs up she thanks me again for the time she shared with Court and then wishes Matt and I luck.
We spend the day watching movies on the couch and eating the ice cream that is in the freezer. I wonder if my stomach will ever recover as I feel sick most of the day and struggle to get food down. Matt does much better than me and by dinner time he is ready to eat again.
“Let’s get out of here for a little while Cait. I can’t stay in here anymore or I will go crazy.”
“I know. What did you have in mind?” I begin to warm up to the idea of going out again, returning to the land of the living instead of sitting in a house that is full of death.
“Let’s grab a burger and some drinks at Pete’s Place.”
“All right.” I know we need to get out but I am not sure how it is going to feel going back there without her. I remember the idea of exposure therapy, facing what you fear so that you no longer fear it. I take a shower and pull on my jeans and a tank top. I twist my hair up and feeling brave I put on a little mascara.
Walking down the hall I feel a mix of so many emotions. When I pass Court’s room my heart aches for her, the void she has left is immeasurable. As I near the living room I start to feel anxious, knowing that tonight will be our first night back out in the real world without her. As I see Matt standing in the living room texting on his phone I feel panicked, knowing that this will be over soon and I will be left with my decision, one that I no longer knew the answer to.
“Everything okay?” I ask as he looks up from his phone.
“Yea, I let my unit know that Court has passed and now we are just waiting to carry out her final wishes. They are leaving again soon and want to know if I will be back at work in time to travel with them.” He looks into my eyes and I can tell he is hoping I tell him to stay.
“What did you tell them?”
“I wasn’t sure yet. I guess it all depends.” He opens the front door and we head out to his truck, both of us knowing what it depends on. If I tell him I love him he will stay as long as possible, if I deny it he is leaving soon.
When we pull into the parking lot of Pete’s, it is loud outside. There is a live band again and as we make our way to the door I see the same group of girls we had seen before with Court. They look at us and I can see the wonder in their eyes as they register that she is not with us. I know I should let them know but I just can’t bring myself to say it so I let Matt’s hand on the small of my back guide me into the bar.
It is hot and crowded as we push our way through and take a seat at a small tabl
e in the back. The waitress is clearly having a bad night and we try to order quickly so she can leave. When she is gone we both look at each other and laugh about it. Matt ordered a beer but my stomach just couldn’t handle one so I order a coke instead and we sit listening to the music because it is way too loud to try and talk. I watch as the girls dance on the dance floor and every so often I look Matt’s way to see if he notices them. When I don’t catch him looking at me I catch him looking at his beer. This break is going to be harder than I imagined.
Nothing has gone how I planned and I am not surprised. Falling in love with Matt will make ending my life hard, only because I know he will feel more pain. After watching him these past few days I am not sure he can handle my death and I start to feel guilty for involving him more than I should have. I will never regret our night together, but I regret that he will have that experience to make it harder when I go.
When our food gets to the table, we both try to choke it down. I don’t want to over do it and see it again so I stop when I feel my stomach clench up knowing that nothing else is going down. Matt does a little better than me but both of us are defeated by our meals. He finishes his beer and orders another as the waitress rushes past us. When I put my hands up on the table to play with the condensation on my glass, he reaches out and puts his hand over mine and motions to the dance floor with his head. I wonder if the cliché will work for me also and the band will start playing a slow song as we begin to dance.
Clichés never work in my favor and before I know it Matt is spinning me around the floor as the music blares so loud I can feel it vibrate through my body. For a second she is there with us, I can feel it. The weight of her death is lifted and my feet are light as I am spun around the floor and back into his arms. Just when I start to feel like I might get sick the music slows, and Matt pulls me close to him and begins to rock me.
