by Leighton, M.
The Nash who’s standing here right this minute has a few possibilities in front of him. The Nash who puts a knife in the man who murdered his mother won’t. I’ll have one option. To run.
“Nikolai?”
It’s Dmitry, wondering what I’m waiting for. He’s handed me all I’ve ever wanted on a silver platter. And I’m hesitating.
With a pounding pulse, I realize it’s not all I want anymore. I want a life. A real one. With some of the normalcy I haven’t had the luxury of enjoying for the last near-decade. Maybe even a life I can share with someone. Maybe . . .
I don’t want to get ahead of myself. And I don’t want to make any rash decisions. In need of some clarity, I turn away from Duffy and walk back into the other room.
“What’s the matter with you? Isn’t this what you want? Since I’ve known you, it’s all I’ve ever heard you talk about.”
I look at Dmitry, at his troubled blue eyes. Is this what’s bothering him? Was he afraid I’d chicken out? Or was he afraid I wouldn’t?
For the last many years, he’s been like a father to me. He’s protected me as much as he could in the life I was forced to lead and, in some ways, I think I was the family he never got to have. He’s me in another twenty years if I go down this road. But do I want that? Do I want that life? Is the satisfaction of taking the life of the murderer in the next room worth it? Worth becoming a murderer myself?
Adrenaline focuses my mind. It’s sharp and quick, and the idea swoops in like an eagle, its deadly talons sinking into my brain and holding on tight.
“I’ll spare his life on one condition,” I tell Dmitry.
“What’s that?”
“That he testify against the man who put him up to it. I have to get justice for my mother, even if it’s not the kind that I would like most.”
“That will only fix one problem. And that’s if he even agrees to it.”
“Yes, his testimony alone will only fix one problem. But what if I could get more? My father would testify if I could assure him it would work out and make us all safe.”
The idea grows in my mind. Its roots go deeper, its foundation becomes more solid. I feel an optimism I haven’t felt in a long, long time.
“You would need to have enough to get Slava and his councilor, Anatoli, at the very least. But I don’t think any of us would really be safe unless you could get Ivan. They are the only two truly loyal to Slava. In fact, I believe that Konstantin, an old acquaintance and the fourth in command, might look favorably on the opportunity to move up. He was always an ambitious bastard. He might be a friend in the organization, if there is such a thing. Maybe we could reach a truce of sorts.”
Like a veil, I see the exhaustion and hopelessness lift from Dmitry’s features. He sees a better way, better than murder.
He would never have tried to take my revenge from me, but it’s obvious now that he wished he could. He loves me too much. The son he never had.
“With Duffy, we could get Anatoli. He actually ordered the hit, right?”
“As far as I know. He’s the one who usually takes care of those types of situations.”
“And with my father, we could get Slava. I know he helped launder the money and cook the books for Slava. Then we’d just have to figure out a way to get Ivan. And if we could have enough to make a racketeering case, like my brother has been planning all this time . . .”
Dmitry walks to the window and pushes the curtain back enough to look out at the parking lot and the surrounding area. The small gesture might have seemed innocuous to anyone else, but I know him well enough to know he’s troubled. “What is it, Dmitry?”
“You know, I always wanted more from this life. I never thought I’d be this old and still smuggling, living the life of a criminal. I should’ve gotten out sooner. I should’ve taken the risk, like your father.”
“Dmitry, after this is over, I’ll help you get out if that’s what you want to do. I have money. Quite a bit, actually. I’ve saved almost everything I’ve made over the last seven years. It’s in an offshore bank, earning money. Once I get this behind me, I can give you a fresh start.”
Even in profile, I can see that his smile is sad. “I could never ask you to do that. You are young. There is much life for you to enjoy. You have a future. A man like me? I have little left. What’s most important now is how I live the rest of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“The reason I know Ivan is because we worked together many years ago. Before even your father and I met. That’s how I got into this part of the business. He’s the one who runs the smuggling operation.”
Oh shit! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
All the pieces click together. I know what this means. What it could mean, that is.
I don’t want to get too excited. If Dmitry won’t testify or if I’m overlooking something, this could all be for nothing. But there’s a chance that it could be big. Like free-us-all-from-this-hellhole-of-a-life kind of big. Contract killing, money laundering, providing guns to terrorists—it’s enough for a RICO case. If I understand it accurately, anyway. And, if prosecuted right, it’s enough to put them away for life.
And the unexpected twist of it all? The kicker that makes it that much sweeter? Duffy’s testimony would free my father. All this could finally be over. For good. We could finally get back to being a family, to having lives and a future. We could be nearly whole again.
“Dmitry, I know it’s a huge risk for you to take, and—”
“It’s time, Nikolai. After all these years, I’m tired. And you were the only good thing in my life. With you gone, it’s just . . . empty. No, it’s time to see this through, once and for all.”
“I meant it about the money, though. I could—”
Dmitry interrupts me again, coming to put a hand on my shoulder. “What have I spent my money on? Who have I ever had to buy presents for? What kind of a life have I ever had that requires much money? I have savings, too.”
True. All true. I’ve had a glimpse of his life. For several years now. And it’s no kind of life. Not for a decent person. And, for all his faults and flaws and mistakes, Dmitry’s a decent person.
“Does that mean you’ll do it?”
I hold my breath as I wait for his response. But it’s not long in coming. And it changes everything.
“Yes, I’ll do it.”
“Then let’s go talk to Duffy.”
TWENTY-SIX
Marissa
I’m just getting out of the shower when my cell phone rings. The twist of my stomach and the twinge in my heart tells me I hope it’s Nash. But, conversely, every rational part of me hopes that it’s not. I’ve got to start being realistic about him. About us.
When I woke up, he was gone. I shouldn’t have been surprised. But after last night, my expectations rose too high, leaving me feeling shattered this morning when I found he’d left without a trace.
How many times do I have to remind myself that we’re too damaged to work? We would only scatter the pieces of what’s left, scatter them so far that we’d likely never be whole again. And, as much as what lies ahead scares me, what scares me worse is that I might in some way hinder Nash from ever finding peace, from making his way to a place in life that he can live with—live with his past, with his future, with himself.
The best thing we could do is stay away from each other. I know this. But can I manage to resist the pull of him? Can my heart shut up long enough for my head to take control? I don’t know the answer to that, so the best I can hope for is for him to stay away from me. Take the decision out of my hands.
Foolishly, I’m more than a little deflated when I don’t recognize the number. It’s local. And Nash isn’t local.
“Hello?”
“Marissa?”
“Yes.”
“It’s Jensen. Jensen Strong.”
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“Oh. Hi, Jensen.” I try to inject some pleasure and enthusiasm into my voice so he doesn’t hear how much I wish he were someone else.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I got your number from what’s on record with the courts. Just between us, I totally bribed one of the clerks into giving it to me. I figured my firstborn wasn’t too much to offer.”
I chuckle. “Well, at least it wasn’t your soul. And I’m duly flattered.” Which I am. It’s nice to have someone so interested in me that he’ll go to that much trouble just to get my private number. Hopefully it’s me he’s interested in and not who I am or who I’m related to.
“I hope ‘duly flattered’ means you’d be willing to go to dinner with me as a show of appreciation.”
“It might mean that. What did you have in mind?”
“How about tonight? Seven thirty. Someplace swanky with candlelight that will make you look even more ethereal than you already do.”
I’m really not interested. Not at all. But I should be. Jensen is a great-looking, smart, successful, well-respected guy who is charming and interested in me. I’d be a fool not to at least explore the possibility.
And I feel like a fool.
Because I don’t want to.
Even though he has all those things going for him, he lacks one crucial element—he’s not Nash.
It has nothing to do with his looks or his job or his personality. It’s just that I’m in love with someone else. And he’s not him.
But I can’t have Nash. Nash is unattainable. A loner. A wild card with no interest in me other than for some temporary distraction and a good time. He might care for me in his own way, but it’s not a way that’s healthy for me, a way that I can live with. And I can’t pine away for him forever, which is exactly what would happen if I started waiting around for a guy like him.
He’d always be leaving.
And I’d always be waiting.
But that’s just Nash. It’s who he is. I knew it all along. He’s hard and thoughtless and broken. Not on purpose. Just because. And I can’t fix that. I can’t fix him.
“How about lunch instead?” I say impulsively. Lunch is less intimate, which is good, and it also gets me out of the house so I’m not forced to sit around and think about Nash all day, which is also good.
Because that’s exactly what would happen. I’d mull over every word and every subtle nuance of last night while waiting for him to show up or call or text or . . . something.
Always waiting.
But this will be good for me. Plus, it’s work-related. I can pick his brain and try to figure out how to go forward with this case. And with my life.
I can’t be on “vacation” from work forever. And if I’m not going to go backward, back to everything I knew before, then I have to move forward. Today feels like as good a day as any to take the first step. And it doesn’t hurt that my lunch companion is a prosecutor. Spending some time with him might be helpful to me in several ways. And an innocuous lunch won’t give him the wrong impression.
I hope.
“Well, it’s not the venue I’d choose to charm you with my jazz flute, but I’ll take it,” he says teasingly. I don’t have an overabundance of movie knowledge, but Anchorman is one that I’ve seen. Several times. And I loved it. It goes a long way toward warming me up for my lunch date. Maybe I might have enough fun to take my mind off Nash.
Maybe.
“Ohmigod, I love that movie!”
Jensen laughs. “I knew there was something special about you.”
I wish I could say the same, but what it feels like is that I’m embarking on a great friendship. Nothing more.
I refuse to let loose the sigh of hopeless disappointment that’s lingering in my chest. This is still a step in the right direction. All I can do is take things a day at a time. Maybe even a meal at a time.
“Where are you?”
I bite my lip, a little embarrassed to admit it. “Um, I’m still at home.”
“I’ll pick you up in an hour. Is that all right?”
“How ’bout I meet you there? I’ve got some things to do afterward.”
I can tell it’s not what he really had in mind, but he agrees and tells me when and where.
“Okay. See you then.”
I’m still holding the phone, deep in thought, long after Jensen has hung up. The ring of my phone startles me, causing me to jump. Reflexively, I answer it.
“Why did you leave? I cooked a huge breakfast this morning and you missed it.”
It’s Olivia. I smile.
“Good morning, old woman. How does it feel to be a whole twenty-two years old?”
“It feels like cotton mouth and a headache.” She laughs.
“That means you sent twenty-one off in just the right way.”
“Well, if that’s the case, I sent it off in an epic way. Ack!”
“Sorry I cut out on you last night. I, uh, I wasn’t feeling all that well, so I just came on home. I didn’t want to be the resident wet blanket.”
Olivia is quiet, thoughtful. “Are you feeling . . . better now?”
“Ummm, some.”
“Would this have anything to do with a certain asshole that looks a disturbing amount like my boyfriend?”
“Ummm, it might.”
“Uh-huh. As I suspected. I hate that he’s not more like Cash. I think all that time at sea warped his brain.”
I know she’s trying to excuse his behavior, and she might be right. But I don’t think so. I think some people are just incapable of very much emotional depth. And Nash is probably one of them. All he feels is anger. It might be all he’ll ever feel.
“Maybe,” I say simply.
“So what do you have planned today? Wanna do some shopping?”
“I’m sure whatever plans you’d had that caused you to skip class were better than shopping with your cousin.”
“Skipping class wasn’t the plan. This hellacious hangover sort of made that decision for me.”
“Then I’m sure you don’t feel like spending hours going from store to store and trying on clothes.”
“For you? Anything.”
“Why are you so good to me?”
“Uh, because you’re family and I love you. Duh,” she says playfully.
“Family or not, I don’t deserve it.”
“Marissa, stop saying that. When are you going to realize that you’re not the monster you think you are. You might have been at one time. Sometimes things happen that change us. Completely. Sometimes it’s something good, like finding your soul mate. Sometimes it’s something bad, like being kidnapped and being afraid for your life. Stop beating yourself up for the past. Look ahead. And know that you deserve to be happy. And to be treated well. Everyone deserves a second chance. You’re no different.”
“But what if I blow it? What if I can’t be this person?”
“You already are. The fact that you’re worried about it is proof. Marissa, a month ago you wouldn’t have given a shit about this kind of thing. You didn’t think there was anything wrong with you, and you certainly never considered for a second that you might actually fail at something. Like it or not, that girl is gone. Forever. You just need to find the strength to let her go and be who you are now.”
“What if I can’t?”
“I don’t know the answer to that because it’s not going to happen. You can. And you will.”
“I wish I had your faith in me.”
“Surround yourself with people who do. Kick those plastic people you called ‘friends’ to the curb and find yourself some real friends. Good ones.”
I think of Jensen. He’s definitely not the kind of person I would normally have spent my time with. His type of law is frowned on in my circles. Maybe that’s a good thing. “You’re right. And I’m taking the first s
tep today. I’m having lunch at Petite Auberge with someone who isn’t my normal kind of friend.”
“Good for you!”
I’m glad she doesn’t ask any more questions. Although I’m sure she’d wish me luck, for some reason I don’t want her to know I’ll be meeting Jensen.
We chat a little more, but I have to get off the phone to freshen up for lunch. Even though my heart’s not really in it, I try to strike a good balance between friendly lunch and professionalism. I don’t want to give Jensen the wrong impression about where I see “us.” I figure a pencil-slim skirt that nearly touches the floor, a thin peasant shirt with cap sleeves, and some strappy sandals will keep things in perspective.
I arrive at the restaurant a few minutes early. Jensen is already at the table, wearing his work clothes, of course. Surreptitiously, he looks me over and his pale eyes sparkle with appreciation. That feels nice. Nice in a complimentary way, not nice in an exciting way. Not like when Nash would look at me.
Damn you! Stay out of my head.
Even as I think it, I smile pleasantly at Jensen as he pulls out my chair.
“You look amazing, as always.”
“Thank you.”
Jensen immediately launches into an effort to entertain me. Surprisingly, he does a good job. He’s witty and smart, and he has a great sense of humor. I find myself laughing quite often, enjoying a lighthearted, casual lunch.
Until I look up and see Nash standing just inside the door of the restaurant, watching me.
My heart skips a beat and then picks up to a much faster pace. I feel warm and flustered. And I’m certain I’ve never seen a more handsome, more welcome sight than him.
He doesn’t move. He doesn’t smile or nod or wave me to the door. He doesn’t approach the table. He just stares at me with his black, fathomless eyes.
“Nash’s brother, right? The one you’re helping?” Jensen says, drawing my eye and my mind back to him.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry. Would you excuse me for a minute, please?”
“Of course,” he says, standing when I do. Like a gentleman. Like someone I should be with. Like someone I don’t want.
