by Clare Lydon
Sophie was still staring when the lift doors slammed shut.
***
Tanya made herself a cup of coffee and sat on the balcony with Delilah on her lap. Weirdly, Delilah was having no trouble settling into her new surroundings — it was Tanya who was the stumbling block.
She stared out across the river, watching a barge rumble up the grey waters. That’s what she’d always done with her life: moved on, made progress. And she’d been doing that just fine until this morning.
No, she was still doing that just fine, dammit. Her mother was not going to throw her off course again, even if Tanya had recognised a flicker of truth in what she’d said. That she was like her, that she didn’t suffer fools gladly. Could it be that no matter how many miles Tanya put in between herself and her mother, she still managed to leave her mark, to sneak into Tanya’s life and have an effect?
“What do you think, Delilah?” Tanya asked, ruffling Delilah under her neck. “Did the wicked witch have any effect on you while you were there? Or are you actually a lesbian and glad to escape her clutches, too?”
In response, Delilah let out a little sneeze.
Tanya grinned. “I’ll take that as a yes, then.”
And what about Sophie? Gorgeous, warm Sophie.
She’d been distant with her on the drive home, she knew that. Sophie had helped her out, come all the way home with her, and she wouldn’t wish that on her worst enemy. She’d been brilliant today, too, not pressing her, making sure Delilah was fine in the car.
And then they’d kissed in the lift, and Tanya could still feel the impression on her lips. They were still hot, alive. She touched her lips with her fingertips and allowed herself a smile.
Make no mistake, that was a dynamite kiss and one she’d be more than happy to repeat, again and again. She was still shaky from it, from the whole day. This was a Wednesday she wasn’t going to forget in a hurry.
Should she have invited Sophie in for a coffee? Or to just kiss some more? Because that would have been okay, too.
No, there was too much going on in her head to have Sophie here as well. And she didn’t want to scar anything that happened with Sophie with the mess of her mother.
Plus, Delilah had to come first today.
Tanya’s mind wandered backwards to this morning, to the scene in her parents’ lounge. She’d always known something like that would happen again, there was an inevitability about it. Her mum was always spoiling for a fight, and she knew just where to hurt Tanya: go for the jugular and tell her she was just like her. That wound was still fresh, open to the elements.
Was there any truth in it? Was that why she hadn’t been able to hold down a relationship? Meg had been her closest attempt, but that had disintegrated, and now Meg had found true love with Kate. But Tanya was still alone.
Was it because she was like her mum? Steely, aloof, impenetrable? Maybe that was why she was feared and respected at work in equal measure. Why she only had a couple of close friends, because most people fell at the first hurdle of friendship.
She sighed and glanced down at Delilah.
“Am I like her, girl? You’d tell me if I was, wouldn’t you?”
Delilah cocked her head in answer.
Chapter Thirty-Three
“I thought you were giving up smoking?” her dad said as Sophie stood on his back doorstep, blowing smoke out onto his garden. He’d done a nice job of it and the flowers were blooming.
“Your camellia are looking nice,” she told him, not turning her head.
“Don’t try to change the subject,” he replied.
Sophie turned, giving him a sigh. “I was, till this woman I was interested in didn’t call me. Then I took it up again.”
Her dad shook his head, shifting in his dining chair, tapping the screen of his iPad as he did. “You can’t fall back on smoking every time something goes wrong for you. That’s not how it works.”
“It’s how it works right now,” Sophie said, sighing. Yes, Tanya was going through a lot of stuff, but she’d at least expected a call to help with Delilah. She’d offered to help, but Tanya seemed to have a hard time accepting it.
She heard her dad chuckle at the table. “It’s at times like this you remind me of your mother,” he said.
Sophie almost choked on her cigarette, before blowing the smoke away. “That’s a low blow. I came round here for solace — you’re normally good at that.”
Her dad smiled at her as she stubbed her cigarette out under foot. “Your mum used to stand on that very step moaning at me, blowing her smoke out the door. Sometimes, it’s uncanny.”
Sophie finished her cigarette and sat opposite him, slumping on the table. “Great — now not only am I unable to keep a woman, I’m like my mother. Any other gems you want to add while we’re here?”
“Your mother had her good points, too. They’re just harder to remember.” He reached across and squeezed Sophie’s shoulder as she sat up. “It was her dramatic side that drew me to her, so it’s not a bad thing.” He paused. “Whereas the smoking is a bad thing.”
Sophie held up her hands. “I’m giving up from this moment on. I can’t take you and Rachel moaning at me.”
“Good — I’ve still got that Allen Carr book here somewhere. Worked for me, you can take it with you.”
“I will,” Sophie said. She took a sip from the mug of tea sitting in front of her.
“So what’s gone on with this woman then?” her dad asked, shutting the paper, giving her his full attention. He was freshly showered and smelt like men’s toiletry products: musky and soapy.
“It’s nothing. Just that woman I told you about. I thought there was something there, but maybe I misread it.”
“The one you mentioned the other week?”
Sophie nodded.
“So what’s the problem?”
Sophie sighed, getting up to get a drink of water — it was hot today, and her cigarette had left her with a furry mouth. “She’s just… dealing with a lot of stuff.” She shrugged. “Maybe she just needs a little more time.”
“You can’t push these things — if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be,” her dad replied. “But you like her?”
Sophie leaned against his kitchen counter, nodding. “I really do.” She paused, looking down at his slate grey tiles, cool under her feet. “She feels… different. When I’m with her, I feel different.”
She wasn’t explaining it very well, she knew that. Then again, that’s because she wasn’t sure what there was to explain — their whole relationship so far had been short and studded with emotion. And now, it had just stopped.
However, Sophie kept replaying their kiss over and over again in her head. The heat. The intensity. How good it had felt. If Sophie closed her eyes and really concentrated, she could still taste Tanya on her tongue. But she had no idea if Tanya had been replaying their kiss, too, because she hadn’t heard from her.
That kiss in the lift, and then, nothing. It was hard to take, especially when Tanya felt like she could be the gateway to something Sophie had never had: a proper, full-on relationship. Sophie had never been in love, never given herself fully. But she craved it; sweet Jesus, she craved it now.
Tanya had unlocked something deep inside her, and it wasn’t just physical: it was intense, smouldering emotion, something Sophie had always shied away from. She’d been preparing to fall and for Tanya to catch her.
However, Tanya was now nowhere to be seen.
“Different is good,” her dad said, holding her gaze. “And this woman, you think she’ll get over her stuff and realise what she’s found?”
Sophie smiled: trust her dad to see her as the prize catch. He hadn’t met Tanya yet.
She shrugged. “I hope so. I mean, I think she will, but who knows?” She bit her lip, sitting back down at the table. “But I really hope the answer’s yes.”
More than anything in the world, she hoped Tanya would come around. Because if she didn’t, Sophie might retreat even
further into her shell, and she didn’t want to do that. She’d let some light in where it had never been, and she’d been warmed by it. Retreating now simply wasn’t an option.
“Well, keep me posted on your potential love match, because I want my baby girl smiling, not pouting,” he said, putting a hand to her chin. “And if you do that, I promise to keep you posted on mine.” Her dad gave her a grin when he said that.
“Sorry?” Sophie said, furrowing her brow. “You’ve got a potential love match?”
Her dad nodded, a broad grin populating his face. “I do,” he said.
Sophie slapped the table, temporarily distracted from her love woes. “Who, what, why, when, how?”
Her dad laughed at that. “Remember Dawn, the woman I was telling you about from the golf club?”
Sophie nodded. “I remember,” she said, sitting up straighter in her chair.
“Well,” her dad replied, spreading his palms on the table as he spoke. “She’s having a dinner party next week and she’s setting me up with one of her straight friends.” He paused, for maximum effect. “So it’s going to be me, this woman and four lesbians.” His smile got even bigger if that was possible. “You officially have a dyke hag for a father.”
Sophie blinked rapidly at that news, before snorting with laughter. “You’re going on a date? With four lesbians?” She paused, taking his news in. “Anything else I should know? Will you be coming to Pride this year, too? Will you be on a golfing float with a rainbow flag?”
“No plans as yet, but don’t rule it out,” her dad said. He was enjoying this, she could tell. “So wish me luck — this woman is a teacher who needs some new wardrobes in her bedroom. So if nothing else, I might get a job out of it.”
“I’m speechless,” Sophie said, grinning. “But I’m happy. A dinner date! You haven’t been on one of those in years.”
“I know,” he said, blushing. “But I really like Dawn, so I trust her judgment. And who knows? It might come to nothing or it might be the start of something.”
Sophie nodded. She hadn’t had to think of her dad with anybody new, because it hadn’t come up before. But he deserved this after everything he’d been through. “I’m happy for you,” she said, squeezing his hand.
“So if your old man can score a date, then I’m sure you can, too — the power of positive thinking.” He motioned between them with his index finger. “Us Londons are hot right now. How can women resist?”
Sophie gave him a smile. She had to hope her dad was right, but it didn’t change the fact that Tanya hadn’t called.
Chapter Thirty-Four
It was Saturday, four days since Tanya had returned from Sturby, and her mum’s words had left her battered and bruised. She’d taken the rest of the week off work in a bid to settle Delilah and it had worked, the pooch acclimatising to her new situation well. She still followed Tanya around, keeping her close, but she’d stopped barking when Tanya left a room, and had only weed inside once.
If only Tanya could settle down and stop having nightmares, life would be sweet.
Meg was on her balcony, admiring the view. After a few moments, she strolled back into the flat, where Tanya was making coffee.
“So this is lovely, you’ve done well,” she said, taking a seat at Tanya’s dining table. “This new?” Meg ran a hand over the table’s solid wooden top.
Tanya nodded. “Came with the flat. You think it looks good there?”
“It’s the perfect spot, looking over the river.” She smiled up at Tanya. “This new start is going to be great for you.”
“I hope so,” Tanya replied, bringing over the coffee, Delilah at her feet. In the corner of the room stood a number of boxes Meg had been storing, rescued from her loft. Tanya was interested to see what was in them, as she seriously couldn’t remember.
“So you said you took some time off this week? This is so not like you,” Meg said, interrupting her thoughts.
“I had no choice — I couldn’t leave her this week,” Tanya said, rubbing Delilah’s neck just the way she liked it. “Plus, it’s been such a whirlwind what with moving and Gran dying, it’s nice just to have some time at home to get used to the place myself.”
“I can understand that. When I moved into Kate’s place, it took a while for it to feel like home.” Meg paused. “It’s still not exactly ‘our place’, but Kate’s done her best to make it so. But you don’t have that issue — this is a blank canvas, you can make it your own.” Meg paused.
“And if you need help with Delilah, you should get in touch with Jess’s dog walker — I think she lives round here. Her name’s Sophie — I can get her number if you like.”
Tanya felt her face turn crimson as she studiously avoided Meg’s gaze. “We’ve already met,” she mumbled, burying her face in her coffee.
“So don’t be a martyr, call her. What did we say about you accepting help? Jess says she’s great, and I believe her.”
“She came to get Delilah with me,” Tanya blurted out.
“What?” Meg asked, furrowing her brow.
“Sophie — she came to get Delilah with me. Alice was going to come, but she couldn’t make it, and I’ve met Sophie a couple of times and she kindly stepped in.”
“So let me get this straight — Sophie, who you’ve just met, travelled up to Sturby with you and met your mother. I was going out with you for four years and that never happened.”
“She didn’t meet my mother — I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. We stayed at Alan’s and she kept me company on the drive there and back.”
Meg raised one eyebrow. “You slept at Alan’s? In the spare room?”
Tanya nodded, blushing despite herself. Memories of that lift kiss assaulted her mind, as they had been doing intermittently over the past four days. And every time they did, she felt the heat like it had just happened, like Sophie was standing over her, her lips about to close in on hers.
She wanted to go back for more, but she wasn’t sure she was fit for purpose.
Not if any part of what her mum had said was true.
“Yes, but nothing happened,” she replied, her skin prickling as she spoke. “We shared a bed, that’s all.”
Meg leaned back in her chair, regarding Tanya. “That’s all?! You don’t share beds with people you’re not interested in. Especially not Alan’s spare bed.”
“Nothing happened!”
“Yet.” Meg studied Tanya’s face. “You’re blushing, and you seem flustered. Nothing happened at all? Not even a brush of your hand over her thigh? A meeting of your lips? I went out with you remember, I know what you’re like when you meet someone.” Meg smiled. “Subtlety isn’t your style.”
Tanya smiled at that. “I like to let people know where they stand,” she said. “And nothing happened, like I said.” She paused. “But we did kiss in the lift when we got home.”
“What! You’ve waited this long to tell me! And what happened then? When you kissed? Have you seen her since?”
Tanya shook her head. “Er, no.”
“Why not? You’re not normally shy in coming forward.”
“You make me sound like a nightmare.”
“Nonsense — you know what you want and go for it. It’s a quality I’ve always admired in you, even though it annoyed the hell out of me at times.” Meg gave her a smile Tanya recognised from their time together.
“It’s just — she’s seen me — all of me. There’s no show with her. She’s kinda different.” Tanya paused. “I mean, nothing’s happened, and yet she was there when Gran died, and she’s visited my home. Nobody else has done that. It’s like she knows all my secrets before we’ve even started.”
“And that’s a bad thing? If she knows it all and she’s still here, that’s a plus point, isn’t it?”
Tanya nodded her head slowly. “And then there’s my mum.”
“How is Ann?” Meg’s voice was laden with sarcasm.
Tanya responded in kind. “She sends her love,” she replied, rolli
ng her eyes. “Ann told me I’m just like her — and it got me thinking. Am I? Is that why no other relationship has worked for me?” She bit her lip, addressing Meg directly. “Be honest, am I a nightmare to be in a relationship with?”
Meg shook her head. “No, I’ve told you before. I loved you — I still love you a little. You were a great girlfriend; we just weren’t meant to be.” Meg laid a hand on her arm and it soothed her.
“Really? It wasn’t because I was closed off? Because I wasn’t open to what you wanted and I didn’t want to compromise?” Tanya almost didn’t want to hear the answer, but she knew she had to.
Meg hesitated before she spoke, and Tanya felt sick. But then Meg shook her head. “You know, you could say those things about anybody in any relationship — otherwise, we’d still be together, wouldn’t we? Everyone’s a little selfish when it comes down to it, and you were no more closed or stubborn than me or anyone else I’ve gone out with. Like I said, we just weren’t meant to be.
“Everyone deals with those issues; it’s how you work them out that counts. Don’t listen to what your mum says — that woman’s never made any sense. Why would she start now?” Meg smiled at that. “Honestly, you were a great girlfriend. You were just a nightmare ex-girlfriend at first.” She let out a chuckle at that. “But you’re the perfect ex now — two years later and living apart.”
Tanya blushed at the recollection of that particular time in their lives when they lived together as exes. She hadn’t been the kindest. “Sorry,” she said.
Meg shook her head, smiling. “This isn’t about us — it’s about you. And you told me you’re ready to get back into the game again, and Sophie sounds like she’s already got under your skin. And she could help you with Delilah, too. I don’t see a problem. You’ve got your flaws, but we all have. I say go for it — you’ve got nothing to lose.”
Tanya nodded. “When you put it like that, it sounds easy.”
“So you’ll call her? At least for help with Delilah, because it sounds like you could use it.”
