by Clare Lydon
“I’m fine, I’m not even positive. Apparently some people are immune to the virus, and I’m one of the lucky ones. Unfortunately, Rod wasn’t, and he was born just too early to benefit from the drugs that could have kept him alive.” Alan let out a long breath. “It’s just one of those things. I watched many of my friends die.”
Tanya wished she was having this conversation with him in person so she could reach out and hug him. Sadness washed over her for the loss of Rod and all of Alan’s friends. “I’m so sorry,” she said.
Alan blew his nose again before continuing. “We had 12 great years together, that’s the main thing. He was the love of my life, and some people never find that. It’s what I focus on when I feel sad.”
“And mum’s never asked you about him?”
“Your mother is a strange creature, as I’m sure you know. She clings on to her beliefs, but she’s not religious, she’s just proud. She can’t get over herself, and your dad does nothing to balance her out, so she gets away with it.” He sighed. “But I’ve seen a softer side to her when we chat.”
“But you think she knows about you?”
“Being gay? Absolutely. But the thing is, I never told her, and neither did anyone else. And if she doesn’t know, she’s happy to live in her ignorance.” He paused. “With you, you told her. It’s a different time, and people are more out now — and your mum doesn’t know how to deal with that, so she buries her emotions and shuts down. I’m not saying it’s right, it’s just what she does.”
“So because I was honest, she can’t cope?”
She heard him snort softly. “That’s about the size of it. I’m not saying it makes sense, but it does in your mum’s head.” He paused. “Your gran used to worry terribly about her — she wanted her to be happy. She wasn’t worried about you because you’d found your path.” Pause. “Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.”
Tanya rubbed her cheek: it wasn’t as if she hadn’t known already. “It’s not as if it’s a surprise,” she said softly. “And by the way, I’m thrilled you’re gay,” she said, changing the subject swiftly. And she was, more than she could have possibly anticipated.
“The feeling’s mutual,” he said. “When you came out, I almost cried with joy. But then your mum did what she did and I hardly ever saw you. You’ve no idea how sad that made me.”
“I’m so sorry, but I promise to make it up to you,” she said. “I want to come and see Gran’s grave soon, and I want to bring Delilah, too.”
“She’d love that,” he said. “And you’re welcome to stay over, too. Assuming you won’t be staying with your parents.”
Tanya spluttered at that. “I don’t think that’s going to happen. Mum was quite nasty to me on Wednesday, said some things I haven’t been able to get off my mind.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“She told me I was just like her, that I didn’t suffer fools gladly and didn’t let people in.” Tanya paused, letting the familiar sinking feeling settle in her stomach. “The trouble is, I know there’s a bit of truth in that. I can be prickly and I don’t let people in.” She paused. “You’ve known me since I was born. What do you think? Do you think I’m like her? Do you think I’m unlovable?”
“Of course I don’t,” he said, after what seemed like an eternity. “Your mum’s got issues and they’re her own. She sees you’ve made a different life for yourself and she lashes out at that. You’ve done something she might have liked to do: you’ve got out in the world, made something of yourself. But she won’t admit that, so instead she just criticises you.” Alan paused before continuing.
“But here’s the trick — don’t take it to heart. I’m not saying you’re perfect, nobody is, but you’ve blossomed into a beautiful young woman with a big heart, and Sophie would be lucky to have you, don’t you forget it.”
Tanya’s breathing stalled. Was Sophie even still interested in her? She hoped so. But if Alan knew everything, he wouldn’t be saying she was lucky. Tanya was damn sure Sophie wasn’t saying that right now.
“And I know you’ll probably still question it, still think your mum’s right, but she’s not. Of course you’ve got some of her traits — it’s inevitable, she’s your mother. My mum was always critical of stuff, and I’ve worked hard to ensure I’m not that way — but naturally, I am.”
“I’d never say that about you,” Tanya said — it was the last thing she expected to come out of Alan’s mouth. He was always Mr Positive, despite everything.
“That’s because I’m aware of it, and I work hard to make sure it doesn’t come true.” He paused. “If you’re worried you don’t let people in like your mum, that you’re too judgemental, do something about it. Make a change, turn it around. But one thing I will say is you’re not her — you’re very much you, and that’s the key thing. And Tanya Grant is someone I know and love. And I’m sure Sophie will, too.”
Warmth flooded Tanya for the first time that week. “You’ve no idea how much I needed to hear that,” Tanya said. She cleared her throat, swallowing down the emotion that was bubbling to the surface. “And how did you know about me and Sophie?”
Alan chuckled. “I’ve got eyes.”
“But nothing had happened when we stayed,” Tanya replied.
“But it has now?”
Tanya nodded. “Yes, it has now. But I’m not sure if I might have messed it up already.”
“Tanya, I saw the way you both interacted, the way you looked at each other. And believe me when I say, it’d take a nuclear bomb to get Sophie unstuck from you.” He paused. “You reminded me of how I used to look at Rod, for all those years.” He sighed, before rallying. “What would your gran say?”
Tanya pictured her wily gran in her mind, remembering the tears she’d shed on the balcony for her that very morning. Deep down, she knew her dream was telling her lies: her gran hadn’t agreed with Mum when she was alive, so why would she start in death?
“Gran would tell me to stop being such a clot and go after what I wanted.” Saying it out loud, it sounded easy.
“Well, then,” Alan said. “Whatever’s happened with Sophie, go over there and fix it. Do something big, something that’ll let her know what she means to you. Don’t let pride stand in your way.” He paused. “Do it, and prove how unlike your mum you really are.”
Chapter Forty-Three
“Hello?”
Tanya’s stomach dropped: her palms were sweaty and nothing had even been said yet.
“Hey Sophie, it’s Tanya.”
“I know, I have your number in my phone.”
“Right,” Tanya replied. Of course she did.
The hairs on the back of her neck stood up. Jeez, she was nervous. Because this meant more today than any other day before. They’d kissed, they’d had sex, but this was a request for the next step. She was about to ask Sophie out.
“Look, I… I’m sorry for Monday — and for what I said when I ran into you. I was stupid, and even more stupid to make you doubt me.” She paused, wondering what face Sophie was making on the other end of the line. Was she rolling her eyes? She hoped not.
“You’re the person who’s got me through the most this past few weeks, and I’ve been too involved with myself to realise that. But I do now, I really do. So again, I’m sorry.” She paused. “Can you forgive me enough to come over for dinner on Friday, so I can explain?”
There was silence on the other end of the line and Tanya swallowed down a hard lump of fear. If Sophie said no, so be it.
She’d crumble, she’d cry, and it might take her a lifetime to get over it.
But so be it.
The ball was in her court.
“Okay, dinner on Friday and I’ll hear you out,” Sophie said.
She was cool, calm — the opposite of Tanya.
“Great,” Tanya replied. She would have liked a little more enthusiasm, but she guessed she was getting what she deserved.
“Text me what time you want me — and do you need
me for Delilah this week? I saw her out with that other dog walker this week, you know. That’s called cheating.”
Tanya grimaced: she’d told the dog walker not to go near the river, but she guessed the options were limited around here. “I was desperate and I knew I’d pissed you off. But if you’re offering, yes please. Can you do mornings and afternoons, tomorrow and Friday?”
“Sure,” she said.
“Great,” Tanya replied. “And Sophie?”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t wait for Friday.”
Chapter Forty-Four
As Sophie walked into Tanya’s flat to collect Delilah on Friday morning, memories of the night they’d shared flooded her vision. Her body swirled with endorphins, and she wriggled as her clit stood to attention. Her body knew what it wanted, even if Sophie’s mind was still in limbo.
Were they going to work things out later? Or were Tanya’s hang-ups going to put paid to anything else? She knew what she hoped, but she had no idea of what the outcome might be.
Unaffected by Sophie’s turmoil, Delilah was sitting, an aloof look on her face, with a chewed blue shoe at her feet. While she seemed to have taken the move well, the dog was having a few issues being left home alone during the day.
However, with Sophie looking in on her more often than she was charging for, she was acclimatising, and this was the first chewing incident Sophie had encountered. She walked across the lounge as Delilah jumped up at her, and she got down to her level.
“What you doing? Are you hungry? Eating Tanya’s shoes as an afternoon snack?” She glanced at the chewed heels and smiled: she didn’t have heels in her wardrobe, but Tanya did. If you put them together on paper, they should never work. Sophie knew they could, but whether they’d get the chance was another thing.
“Shall we take you out, before you eat any more of Tanya’s shoes? Take you to the café where Jess might have a treat for you?” Sophie didn’t wait for an answer — she just clipped Delilah’s lead to her collar and closed the door behind her.
Outside, the weather gods were playing blackjack again: sunshine or rain? Stick or twist? Sophie hoped for the sun that was clawing its way out from behind a cloud.
She quickened her step, heading towards the river: Jess wasn’t there and the café was closed, but luckily, she had treats in her pocket. The café was opening tomorrow, and Sophie had been on-board for a few days already, helping out with last-minute preparations.
As they got to the waterfront, she clocked two dogs walking towards her: the grouchy Barney who liked to snarl, and a boxer she hadn’t seen before. Sophie already knew she had to take care with Delilah: she was a sociable dog, but she was still getting used to her new surroundings.
She tugged Delilah’s lead towards the river, to steer her away from the two dogs, but then realised that Barney was walking his owner, Susan, rather than vice versa. It wasn’t the first time she’d seen it happen, either, and now Barney was barrelling towards them at quite a clip. Sophie’s heart began to race as the excitable dog drew near, Susan red in the face behind him, alarm painted across her features.
Barney began to bark menacingly, circling Delilah and Sophie, his lead wrapping around them, Susan helpless to stop it.
“Barney!” cried Sophie. “Stop, Barney!” Sophie tried to grab hold of Delilah, but she was too tangled and now wasn’t quite sure which lead was Delilah and which was Barney. “Susan, can you do something? Get a grip of Barney?”
At her feet, Delilah was snarling, bewildered just like everyone else. She was jumping up at Sophie, then at Barney, while Susan eventually managed to calm Barney down, and began unwinding his lead from Sophie.
“So sorry, but he’s just being playful. You know what he’s like,” she said, ruffling Barney’s soft grey and white fur. “He just forgets how big he is sometimes, don’t you, boy?”
“You need to walk him more. He’s got too much energy.”
“I have tried, but there aren’t many dog walkers who’ll take him,” she said, out of breath as she finally got all of her lead back, with Barney still straining on it. “I don’t suppose you’d be interested?”
Sophie glanced down at Barney, now bearing his teeth. She shook her head. “Not right now, I’m fully booked,” she lied.
Delilah began barking again, squaring up to Barney — it was time to go before this got ugly. Sophie pulled Delilah’s lead. “See you soon, Susan.”
But just as the words were out of her mouth, Delilah leapt up at Barney, putting a paw in his face, and Barney reacted by lunging forward and sinking his teeth into Delilah.
Delilah let out a piercing howl, trying to wriggle away from Barney; she managed it, but he went back and got her ear the second time. It was all over in a second, yet it seemed to last forever, leaving Delilah wailing on the pavement.
Then Susan was shouting, as was Sophie, and the boxer ran over to see what all the fuss was.
Delilah was still barking like crazy, and when she shook her head, blood sprayed like machine-gun fire across the pavement, all over Sophie, hitting Barney and Susan, too.
“Fucking hell!” Sophie said, bending down and picking up Delilah, who was quivering. Blood was pooling on her fur, and Sophie could see where Barney’s teeth had connected. “Get your crazy dog away from us!” she shouted at Susan.
Susan said something, but Sophie didn’t hear it. Instead, she began to run with Delilah in her arms, getting as far away from the scene as possible. The world jogged up and down violently as she did, and when she passed the café, Jess was there, just opening the door. Sophie veered right and came to a screeching halt in front of her.
When Jess saw the state of her, her face fell. “What the fuck?” she began, giving Sophie a once over. “What’s happened? Why do you look like you’ve just been shot? You haven’t been shot, have you?”
Delilah’s blood was seeping into her top at an alarming rate.
Sophie shook her head. “No, it’s Delilah’s blood, she was attacked by another dog. Have you got your van with you?”
Jess nodded.
“Can you take us to the vet? I don’t think it’s as bad as it looks, but I want to be safe rather than sorry.” Sophie paused, picturing Tanya’s beautiful face in her mind. Delilah was whimpering in her arms, and she juggled her, kissing the top of her head.
“Of course I can,” Jess said, locking the café door again and already walking towards the car park under the building, with Sophie following. “Does Tanya know?”
Sophie shook her head. “It only just happened. I’ll let her know when we get to the vet. I just want to make sure Delilah’s okay, because Tanya’s had enough death and bad news in her life recently, hasn’t she?”
Chapter Forty-Five
“I’m sure she’ll be fine,” Alice said, as the black cab crawled through the Friday afternoon traffic. “She said just a few stitches, so try not to worry.”
But Tanya wasn’t listening. If anything had happened to Delilah, she’d never forgive herself. And if anything had happened to Sophie — well, it didn’t bear thinking about. Sophie and Delilah were rapidly becoming Tanya’s world, which was why her heart was beating so fast in her chest. Please let them both be okay.
She’d been having a coffee with Alice near her office when she’d got the call. Alice had spent the afternoon shopping, but when she saw the terror on Tanya’s face, she’d insisted on jumping into the cab with her, and now her four shopping bags were sitting on the floor of the cab in front of them.
When they pulled up outside the vet’s surgery 25 minutes later, Tanya stuffed two £20 notes through the tiny window that linked them to the driver, not even waiting for the change.
She ran up the path to the surgery, reaching out her hand to pull open the door. What was she going to find on the other side? She braced herself mentally and physically. If the worst had happened, she was going to have to tell the whole world she’d failed in the one task her gran had left to her.
If the worst d
id happen, she didn’t know how she was going to cope.
She tugged on the door handle, but it wouldn’t move. What the hell? She tried again, but the door wasn’t budging. Tanya bent over, hands on thighs, tears threatening. “For fuck’s sake!” she said, unravelling on the spot.
“Hey,” Alice said from behind her, dropping her shopping bags and pushing the door open.
Push not pull: it got Tanya every time. “Thank you,” she said, shooting Alice a grateful look, before running in and scanning the waiting room.
Her eyes landed on Sophie, her top covered in blood, and the blood drained from Tanya’s face. Why was Sophie’s top covered in blood? What the hell had happened today?
“Oh my god, are you okay?” Tanya said, rushing over to Sophie, who stood up. Tanya took her in her arms and held her tight. “Is Delilah okay?” she asked, holding Sophie at arm’s length. “Why do you look like you’ve been shot?”
Sophie shook her head, a tiny smile on her lips, her blue eyes streaked with red. “I haven’t been shot, it’s Delilah’s blood,” Sophie said, looking behind her. “And hi again, Alice.”
Alice gave Sophie a smile. “Hi,” she said. “I was in the area.”
But Tanya wasn’t listening — why was there so much of Delilah’s blood all over Sophie? Her heart sped up to 100mph as she imagined the state of her dog. Her gran’s dog, one she couldn’t even keep her safe for a few weeks. Shit, what was her mum going to say? What about Alan? Fucking hell, please let Delilah be okay.
But Sophie shook her head, imploring Tanya with her eyes. “Delilah’s okay, don’t worry — I think Barney nicked a vein in her ear when he bit her, and the blood just didn’t seem to stop. Jess said the same when she saw me, but I haven’t been shot, honest.”
“So Delilah’s not critical? She’s going to pull through?” Tanya held her breath, putting a hold on all the emails and letters she’d been writing in her head.
